First date guy being unreasonable?

ElizaBennett

Hi, I could do with an outsider perspective on current situation please. I've been using dating apps for a few months and the usual story, trying to get used to it and decide who it's worthwhile to meet in person or not and all the pitfalls associated with the whole thing. I met a guy recently for a first date. It went brilliantly, got on so well and really clicked. We spent close to 24 hours together and he really didn't want it to end. Eventually I dragged myself away and back to my life. Chatted by text for the next few days and talked about when we might meet next but obviously with busy lives that was going to be somewhat tricky but possible. So, in the meantime, I fully admit to being a bit addicted to the apps and I was chatting to others too. Keeping my options open I guess, as I thought was how it was done these days . I still had no concrete plan to meet the first guy again, though I was very interested in pursuing things. I arranged a date with someone else for the following weekend. That didn't go well and i headed home, though I did spend a few hours chatting to him as we got on fine and I was making sure I'd given it a good chance. On the way home I noticed missed calls from the first guy. I called him back and he asked straight out if I'd been on a date. I admitted I had. He then got very very upset. That was saturday night and he's still bombarding me with very long texts explaining how hurt he is and trying to understand why I went on the date with the other guy. And I'm confused as to how guilty I'm supposed to feel in this scenario because he's laying on a huge amount of guilt. He hasn't slept properly since, is messed up and devastated and any number of other dramatic words. He's in his 40s and I'm 51 - so I really can't fathom the level of drama. BUT I did really like him, have an amazing time with him, and up until this fallout had definitely planned to keep seeing him. But is this dead in the water now? Would I be crazy to try 'fix' this? Is he being unreasonable or am I in the wrong? I'm massively confused about it. I thought it was okay to go on multiple dates and that there was an unwritten rule of 'don't ask, don't tell' until after a few weeks you have 'the talk' and decide re exclusivity. He thinks I was dishonest and underhanded and deliberately scuppering our chances of a great relationship. I'm quite stressed about it - but obviously not to the extent that he is. A bit of perspective on this would be very helpful, thanks. I'd be sorry to draw a line under this as he's really interesting, clever, creative, kind, great company etc. But this reaction feels massively disproportionate to me and I'm wondering if there's anything to salvage here?

el Fenomeno

I would count yourself lucky that you saw this behaviour at such an early stage, and not further down the line before you got any more attached to him.

If he is being this possessive and jealous after you've only had one solitary date with him, it does not bode well at all and I dare say one of the prominent reasons why he finds himself single. Please note how he's blaming you for how he feels - you're the reason he cannot sleep, you're the reason he's devastated, you're the one trying to sabotage your relationship etc.

TL;DR Someone else will put this more eloquently than I can, but I would run a mile.

Pistachio19

Do not have any more to do with this guy. I'm 50 and wouldn't expect anyone my age to be exclusive after one date. His reaction is way over the top and I would see that as a massive red flag. Block him and move on!

Gary_dunne

You went on one date, by no means should he presume that you are in anyway exclusive with one another, unless you both had this conversation and agreed to it.

You've done nothing at all wrong and if he's making you feel this guilty already for no reason it should be seen as a massive red flag and move on away from him.

toothy

People have feelings don't screw with them.

Or taking account of your age the phrase "Don't lead someone on" may hit home harder.

Intense behaviour needs to be taken in context but also you need to look at the reaction as it's important too

CalamariFritti

Its a bit intense what with devastation and guilt trip to say the least and I would agree with red flag here, too.

However, having a great 24h date and then going on a different date may be a bit too 'easy going' for some people. I can understand that too. Some people are just more emotionally invested in everything they do never mind dating. Which I think is fair.

But overall it's all a bit much I think - especially at such an experienced age - and you were probably not going to be compatible anyway. Dont feel guilty. Just wasnt going to work.

ElizaBennett

I do agree that everyone feels things differently and while I thought it was a great date and there was potential, I think for him it was more significant. If I could go back I'd have been clearer re my approach. I'm sad about walking away but I suppose I have to. After the first night of upset, including a call at 2am and messages, I kind of hoped he'd wake up in the morning feeling embarrassed and with some perspective. But that hasn't happened still. He's still insisting on apologies and explanations. I don't want to block him as he knows where I work and I'd rather know what he's thinking so I'm aware etc. And he hasn't really crossed the line yet to deserve blocking. Thanks for the input.

CalamariFritti

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122050209#Comment_122050209

The way you describe the situation you may have to walk away gracefully yes. You could explain like you did here and say you're sorry it turned out you were on such different pages. If things remain reasonable from there who knows… I definitely wouldnt say sorry sorry. a) You shouldn't be and b) it would give your 'relationsip' a weird slant that wouldnt be the footing for a good start at all

knucklehead6

run. Run a mile and do not look back. Block his number. Don’t have anything more to do with him

count yourself lucky you saw this behaviour after one date. And stay well clear.

In his head you two are moving into your house, if you have kids and he has kids they’ll end up married cos you’ll all play such happy families.

Steer clear

ElizaBennett

Thanks, that's an excellent point. If I apologise and he 'forgives' me for my dating approach and we become a couple then I'll definitely be in a weakened position from the getgo and he'll be watching my every move. The reason he first suspected I was on a date on Saturday was because I hadn't replied to a text in hours. None of this is good.

I do have sympathy though as I feel he might be on the ASD spectrum and he really needs things explained and sees things in black and white. He was far too invested too soon. He's so upset over this. I feel like I'm being treated like a cheating wife tbh..

CramCycle

Wouldn't have told the person myself if they rang and asked, could have missed that call for any reason. The calling at 2am and demanding an apology means it is time to go. You are not in a relationship, and this not on. What he should have said was sorry, I misunderstood, I typically only date one person at a time, which is true for a lot of people, and leave it at that. Either way, it will never work out now that he crossed that line and in a way you dodged a bullet. Give a non apology along the lines of "sorry there was a misunderstanding, lets leave it there though".

Pauliedragon

Before I read yours and his ages I assumed ye were early 20s. He's the type of person who if ye were together he'd expect you to cut every single guy in your life out. Even smiling at a male neighbour would set off his jealousy radar. Get rid OP he'd be a nightmare.

YellowLead

It doesn’t sound like this guy is emotionally mature or has healthy boundaries at all.

But I also recommend thinking about what you want and maybe talking about that before you meet somebody or on the date.
I wouldn’t t expect anyone to be exclusive until the conversation was had - but I’d be hopeful that they were, and if I found out they weren’t I’d be done seeing them as one at a time is all I will do myself and all I will like from others (this has not always been the case but after years of dating this is what works for me. I think a lot of people expect one at a time tbh).

I would also recommend maybe not spending 24 hours with somebody on a first date - that’s very intense and not the healthiest thing tbh so I’m not surprised he turned out to be a bit of a loon.

Deffo cut this guy off as he is dramatic and disrespectful - but also maybe tweak your own approach slightly, depending on what you are looking for.

volchitsa

My dating days are (I hope!) long over but even in my time, a single date shouldn't give rise to this level of exclusivity and even rage. In the light of that, I suspect the "wonderful 24 hours" would also turn out to be part of a pattern of rollercoasting so that you very quickly found yourself never knowing what to expect - one minute he'd be sweetness and light, the next you'd be the worst in the world. And it would always be your fault.

So yes - like the others have said, I think you may have dodged a bullet there. I would just say to be careful when you end contact with him. He sounds like the kind of guy who could possibly become a stalker. Hopefully I'm being overcautious here, but I think you need to play the "relationship" down and make it clear nothing is ever going to happen with him.

Sephiroth_dude

Run for the hills and don't look back, you've had a lucky escape, you've nothing to feel guilty about.

the14thwarrior

bow out gracefully. if you think it will get weird you can say sorry (once) a misunderstanding and wish him well

his long texts and dramatic words etc are the real red flags here. over the top

if he continues block him

NiceFella

How did he know you were on a date would be my first question. Lol

OP you are an experienced person, while I can understand if you got on like a house on fire that he may be a little put out. But his reaction is rotten to the core of someone who hasn't any emotional maturity. When I read that he was in his 40s lol sorry can't believe people act that way at that age.

I wouldn't be bothering with him. Politely tell him you're not interested.

CoBo55

Dodged a bullet there, block him and do it immediately. If he calls anywhere near where you live or work call the Guards straight away. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Edit: keep all the texts etc in case you need them to show to the cops.

Tork

OP, I remember some of your old threads about your previous relationship. Your ex was needy, made you feel crowded and you always felt that he moved into your home too quickly. Is this guy all that different? This reads like the next verse of the same song and I think you're very lucky you saw what he's like so soon.

Thelonious Monk

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122050576#Comment_122050576

Jasus relax. I can see why he's disappointed OP and yes he acted overboard but maybe he hasn't been with anyone or had a connection for years and was very disappointed. With my current and my last partners we knew it was something very good on the first date and I'd have been pretty disappointed if they went on other dates afterwards, wouldn't be something I'd do. He was overdramatic but I doubt you'll need the police involved ffs.

volchitsa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122050649#Comment_122050649

And hopefully that’s all there is to it. But women (and sometimes men) do sometimes have their lives ruined by someone who develops an obsession about them, and this guy’s reaction is so OTT (not just the 2am phone call and all the texts, but also insisting on apologies and more explanations) that it’s something that she might need to keep in the back of her mind. Just in case.

Thelonious Monk

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122050674#Comment_122050674

Oh right I only read the first post. Yeah that's a bit much. Cease comms and hopefully he'll move on.

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StevenToast

Run a mile.

bucketybuck

The guy is so obviously red flag material that I have wonder why the OP is even asking a question here. No, this drama after one date is not normal and the vast majority would block immediately, yet you are asking if you are in the wrong. Calling him creative and funny and all that other guff that you hear from people convincing themselves to stay with the wrong people.

Are you 100% sure that it isn't the drama that has you still interested in him?

Alexus25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058348311/first-date-guy-being-unreasonable

You said you're really stressed and you've only had one date with this guy, what would this look like after 1 year? Get out and be thankful for the early warning sign. If you didn't lie about anything then you didn't do anything wrong

AyeGer

He sounds like the sort of person who wouldn’t go on a date with someone else after meeting someone and having a great time. I think he definitely thought you two were going places and was devastated to discover you didn’t feel the same.

Having said that though his reaction was way OTT and a worrying red flag. Imagine you in a relationship with him a year down the line and arrive home late from a girls night out, he would be losing his mind.

Better off letting this one go imo.

Oscar_Madison

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122050074#Comment_122050074

In fairness I think you said it very well and given the amount of thanks your post got, don’t think there’s much more to he said.

Best of luck OP- as they say, you dodged a bullet and very early on too - even if he does present as a great guy, this behaviour after one date is very worrying

- given I’m in a similar age bracket as yourselves but not in the dating game, I’d certainly PRESUME that the person I’m meeting from a dating site would have potentially other dates lined up - whilst yes after a number of dates of going well, I’d like to think that if the feeling was mutual that we’d agree to give a relationship a try and stop seeing other people -

but after the first date? And without first discussing it?

Even if it went well for me, I absolutely don’t know you well enough to know how you ultimately feel after the first date- so to be so presumptuous is just a big red flag.

Best of luck in the future but please, block him and if he persists report him.

Kingslayer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122050674#Comment_122050674

Just to be sure you could tell him you have hit it off with the other date who is a guard.

volchitsa

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122050873#Comment_122050873

That’s an option 😆

marilynrr

I can see why he'd feel very upset if you really connected and he got excited about you. I think that's normal enough. It's certainly not unusual for people to feel upset in those circumstances, I think people can find it very confusing and think well if even that's not enough then how will I ever find someone. But I think normally people keep those emotions to themselves, maybe have a cry (but really it's because they saw potential there, it's not really over the other person) and then that's it.

The red flag is really everything he said to you and the way he keeps going on and on, it shows a serious lack of self control and emotional dysregulation. If he has ASD as you said then maybe he has rejection sensitivity disorder.

Would I be crazy to try 'fix' this?

I'm not really sure if you can 'fix' it, I would imagine it's either RSD or else it's a side of him that is likely to come out again and again if he feels insecure or like you're going off him or something like that. I would imagine a relationship with him would feature a lot of that kind of stuff, maybe not as intense, but definitely stronger than normal reactions to stuff like you not replying for a few hours or anything at all that made him think you were going off him.

reclose

Block!!!!!

HamSarris

If your long-term goal is a meaningful relationship then dating multiple guys at once is unlikely to be effective. Guys pick up on a casual approach to dating and the only guys happy to be one of your options will be men with no self-respect who you won’t be attracted to anyways.

The guy in question sounded emotionally immature. But an emotionally mature man looking for a relationship will also walk away. Men don’t take things seriously when dating a woman who is keeping an eye out for something better.

CoBo55

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122050649#Comment_122050649

I didn't say to get the Guards involved immediately, but I'd definitely keep all communications involving this dude as it could escalate very quickly. I still feel the op should cut all ties and put it behind her.

Oscar_Madison

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122051418#Comment_122051418

indeed- why “court” what looks like trouble - we’d be equally criticised if we said “nah I’m sure he’s grand”- the fact is none of us knows but we’ve enough cop on to know there’s a few “issues” there that indicate this may not turn out to be the healthiest of relationships - and after just one date, albeit quite a long date (nearly 24 hours??? What were they doing?🤪) - it’s probably best to heed one’s instinct and move on

Oscar_Madison

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122051104#Comment_122051104

there’s a significant difference between lining up a few dates to see how things go and “dating” multiple partners at the same time.

I think it’s generally accepted that people on dating sites will probably keep looking until they have found someone that they’re interested in getting to know - if you’ve lined up a few dates then fine- relax and take stock of your experiences in a few weeks and decide whom you might like to meet again - it’s hardly “dating multiple guys at once”

HildaOgdenx

Mod 
Please bear in mind that PI is an advice forum, not a discussion forum, and posts should contain advice for the OP.

Thanks
Hilda

mykrodot

I'd say its the length of the first date that has muddied the water here, I mean 24 hours is not just having a coffee and a chat! It's not even a quick shag. Plenty of talking must have also taken place. As a woman I guess I could only do that if I was really into someone, otherwise I'd be out the door fairly pronto. So some emotions were involved here and that is why OP is questioning this, and probably also why her date also reacted! I am very careful who I take things further with and its never quickly, its usually after meeting at least 3/4 times. That's because emotional attachment builds very quickly and can cloud perception of what someone is really like, if you wait until after a few meetings you have a better idea.

There could have been expectations on his part depending on what was discussed during this 24 hour date and subsequent texts/calls. And maybe in hindsight OP is considering seeing him again and giving him a 2nd chance. Don't.

This whole story reminds me of the most emotionally abusive relationship I was ever in, starting quickly with red flags which I ignored. I was constantly blamed for everything, which made me question myself. I always felt I could fix him, that I had done something wrong to upset him. He would declare his love then within an hour start telling me I was looking at other men. It was horrendous. Thankfully after 3 years I had the strength to leave him, God knows how as my confidence was on the floor. All the signs were in the OP's post. How quickly the mood changes, phone calls at 2am, messages all night long. Run and don't look back and also block his number. Like someone else said this guy sounds like he has stalker potential.

Hooked

First off… I'd be asking if the timing of his call and the instant question was coincidence… Seriously. Think about that.

Second. The fact you are on here asking for advice and didn't have that initial gut reaction to run for the hills is a sign that he must have been really REALLY 'good' on THAT date! I'm male, but in your shoes, I'd be thinking… chalk it up to a great sh@g, and on to the next date. No one needs someone that insecure (or possibly dangerous) in their life!

BobMc

Red Flag, Run dont walk away

yourdeadwright

Firstly he seen you on a date or someone he knows seen you no way the call came at that time by accident,

Secondly you meet him once ,so a normal person would still be there "best self " , Yes they would be themselves on a date but they would also be very aware of trying to hide there flaws,we are all human we have them ,Way too early for that carry on ,

I hate the saying but massive red flag to act like that after one date, You'd be trying to play it cool after one date, imagine how bad that oculd get down the line ,

LimeFruitGum

That is way too much emotional overhead after 1 date, to the point that you're worried about him knowing where you work and coming on Boards for an independent opinion.

I can feel sorry for him: meeting someone he liked, spent a nice day with, and then see them dating someone else soon afterwards. It hurts, of course it would.

But if he has a condition, then it is on him to manage it. It shouldn't be your problem already to work around it.

If you want, send one final message in whatever medium & wording you're comfortable with, to say you had enjoyed meeting him, it was a lovely date but the pair of you hadn't agreed on exclusivity at the time, and that the follow-up messages were too much after one date, and for those reasons you wish him all the best and you're sorry, but you don't wish to move forward with any kind of relationship or friendship with him (because he'll probably ask to be friends in the hope you'll change your mind, need to close this right down).

Oscar_Madison

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122052262#Comment_122052262

sorry didn’t realise not allowed- cheers.

spaceHopper

I think you need to reduce contact with him and don't entertain any future dates. He's been love bombing you with texts and now that you've dated somebody else he's flow into a rage. This isn't healthy at all. For your own safety let him down as gently as possible and move on.

Iseedeadpixels

Wow absolutely do not get involved with this guy, I'm similar age to him and it's giving me the "ick"

ElizaBennett

Thank you so much, everyone. I did feel very uncomfortable obviously or I wouldn't have come on here but the date was absolutely brilliant and he was so easy to be around and no red flags in person - the complete opposite. He was fun and easy going and no hints of wanting to know about my past etc etc. I do agree that he was very disappointed I went on the other date and I'm not entirely sure why I even did it - boredom and it was saturday night I guess, no other reason.

i don't think he was stalking me to find out I was on a date - it was literally only that I hadn't replied to his texts for hours and hours on a saturday night and that was uncharacteristic of our communication so far (we'd been in touch maybe a week before actually meeting for the first date too.) When I answered his call at 2am he asked straight out if I'd been on a date and it was beneath my dignity to lie - why would I, at my age etc. Would seem so silly. I absolutely did not expect him to react as he did.

I came on here because I'm very very disappointed that this isn't going to go further - and it absolutely can't for all the reasons outlined here by every single contributor. As has been said, it's good this happened actually as now I know. There were tiny red flags before we met as he was very very keen and did seem to require reassurance etc and I felt he might be a little insecure but now I know it's off the scale. I guess part of the reason the date was at least 20 hours long was that he didn't want it to end - I think I'd be living with him by now if I'd hadn't needed to leave when I did (And wanted to as, although we had an amazing time, I wanted to get back to my life and regroup.) He's not the kind of guy who would ever need to regroup I don't think - all just way too intense.

Appreciate it. I can see now reading through it that I was completely deluded and mad to even consider this might work out. Shame in many ways and I feel bad for him.

LilacNails

U done the right thing OP. It all sounded too intense, for whatever reasons. Best to have cut ties now than 6months down the line.

Kurooi

Dude is a psycho, count your blessings, run and don't look back.

You've done nothing wrong. No loyalty is owed until you both agree that you're in a relationship.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/122053226#Comment_122053226

He sounds like a textbook lovebomber, EB - I guarantee you that if you hadn't been "caught" going on the other date, this all would have run its course within about 6 weeks anyway. He'd have been super intense - showering you with affection, buying you gifts, perhaps even actually asking you to move in - and then it would have been over as fast as it started. I've seen it happen and it can be absolutely devastating for the love bomb-ee because they generally know better, want to trust their common sense and then get sucked in against their better judgement anyway, only to be left reeling when the inevitable happens, and the whole thing is actually made even harder to deal with because they feel like such a wally for not trusting their gut in the first place.

Believe me, this guy did you a favour by showing his hand early doors. Block, regroup and move on.

alan partridge aha

Get out of Dodge, and BLOCK BLOCK BLOCK as Simon Harris would do.

Oscar_Madison

you were never mad nor never deluded - you just had your radar on for potentially not nice people and it kicked in - I hope it always works for you - but maybe just check back with the crowd here ….just in case 😀