Cake and eat it?

payawe3229

I cheated on my girlfriend of 4 years while on a work trip 2 weeks ago.

We have a great relationship, we'd do anything for each other, by and large great communication, shared hobbies and have a very active sex life.

Went for a late pint alone after a long day working abroad. Approached a woman who was giving me the eye across the bar and one thing led to another, she was in my bed in less than an hour(wore protection in case anyone was thinking).

I feel surprisingly unguilty about it all. I'm almost existentially guilty that I don't feel guilty. Obviously there's never 100% chance my girlfriend doesnt find out but it's probably 99.9% she won't, it was as clean a occurrence as possible when it comes to a trail. It would absolutely destroy her if she did so there isn't a chance I'd tell her anyway.

And you know what I'd probably do it again if a random non risky chance presented itself. Yes it was meaningless but it was fun. That chase is fun. I think all guys have this urge ingrained in us and its liberating for the dog inside me.

I'm defintely happier in a relationship than single(especially a good one), but now I think I'd be even happier in a relationship and having the odd casual encounter on the side. My girlfriend would definitely not be cool with this(nor would most women) so I'm not going to table the conversation, but I travel alone a lot for work and think i could easily live this life. I don't think I'm a narcissist or sociopath or whatever reductive diagnosis people throw about with ease these days to make themselves feel better about their ex leaving them. I've tonnes of empathy for lots of things, possibly don't take life seriously enough and a bit of an absurdist. Is it so bad to have all the cake?

Oink

It certainly sounds fun on paper. However personally I find that if I have to start lying to people about stuff, I lose my self-respect. Neither of us is a 5yo lying about eating candy. If you go through life lying about who you are as a person, lying about your values, not caring about destroying other people emotionally, then… I don’t know. It sounds exhausting. I decided long ago that I’m past all that nonsense. Also, it’s not the person I want to be. If you’re comfortable with who you are and what you do, then that’s one less worry for you.

EDIT: I didn’t directly answer your question. Yes, you can have all the cake. Is it so bad? Not if you don’t care.

Peregrinus

If we accept for the moment that there is functionally no risk of detection and therefore of retribution, the question you have to ask yourself really comes down to this; do I want to be the guy who cheats on his girlfriend when the opportunity presents, or do I want to to not be that guy?

Framing the question not in terms of what you do but in terms of who you are has a way of sharpening and highlighting the issues involved.

Hannibal_Smith

OP, as its a discussion you're looking for rather than advice, I've moved your thread to the Gentleman's Club which seems a better fit for it.

Thanks

HS

Shoog

It seems that your behaviour is common enough in either sex if the risk free opportunity arises. So guilt is not the main issue here as it's fairly normal human behaviour.

My main concern would be that this sort of behaviour is addictive and you will start to crave it at every opportunity. Then it's only a matter of time before you make a mistake, fall in love or just lose interest in your primary partner. Its the existential risks of setting yourself up for a pattern of behaviour which at some time will destroy your settled life.

taxAHcruel

• I suppose the first thing that strikes me is the line "we'd do anything for each other, by and large great communication"

Clearly you would not do anything for her and have great communication. As you are for example unwilling to be open and honest with her - give her the level of commitment she wants and expects in her relationship with you - or seek to act in a way that minimizes any potential for harm or hurt on her part. So it sounds more like "I'd do anything for her so long as it pleases and pleasures me".

• The second thing that strikes me is the line "I think all guys have this urge ingrained in us and its liberating for the dog inside me".

I think it is common for people to justify things to themselves by pretending everyone else wants it / does it too. I can certainly say your sentence does not describe me at all. As much as I love sex in my relationship I have found absolutely zero urge or temptation or interest (even in my imagination) to seek more sex elsewhere. I do not see the point, the appeal or the motivation. I am not saying I would not do it because it is wrong. I am saying I find in myself zero interest whatsoever in it and can not get into the head space of even wanting to want it. What is ingrained in you certainly is not in me - as much as imagining it is might alleviate your self image.

• The final thing that strikes me is the line "I'm defintely happier in a relationship than single(especially a good one)"

I guess it depends how you define a "good relationship". A relationship for me is a two way thing with a foundation. And the difference in your foundation compared to the one she is likely assuming exists means what you have is built on a lie. I am not sure what is "good" about that and am even unsure the word "relationship" applies. Whatever it is is not entirely real, built as it is on a lie you are keeping and a facade you are maintaining. The person she thinks she loves is very different to the person you actually are and are hiding. And if you think you love her then it begs the question why you do not feel her to be a person who deserves honesty, and a relationship that is real - rather than thinking she is someone who deserves nothing more than to be in a relationship on your terms which pleases and suits you.

victor8600

You don't need to feel guilty. Having sex with multiple partners is fine. It's the implicit lie that is the problem.

"so I'm not going to table the conversation"

Ok, so you allow yourself the freedom to f*ck around, but you deny it for your girlfriend. You understand that this makes you a bad person?

Alexus25

I'm wondering what happens when you travel..do you get lonely and want fun/intimacy?

Are you genuinely happy in your current relationship or bored/complacent?

What are your values about relationships? From what you said it sounds like your viewpoint is men/people have the urge to cheat and it feeds our ego

Question - if you found out your gf is sleeping around with random men and has 0 remorse/guilt how does that make you feel? and she will never tell you about it, what do you think of that about communication?

Idle Passerby

As a woman I'm not sure you want my opinion, but here goes. If this is the kind of relationship you want, that's fine. Good relationships are based on two people agreeing they want the same thing and working towards that together. Once you make a unilateral decision to change some fundamental part of that, it becomes something else without the knowledge of one party. Both partners are effectively in different relationships. That's where the betrayal lies, that you changed the nature of the relationship and don't care enough about the partner to let them know they are now no longer in the relationship they agreed to.

Another thing to consider is this: Whether or not you think your girlfriend would ever do the same, you have to assume she would and is. If having the odd secret one night stand is going to be your norm from now on, she has a right to do the same, she just isn't aware it's OK yet.

n.d.os

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058347410/cake-and-eat-it

It appears that you might be feeling discontent when you’re alone, and perhaps you seek the companionship of your girlfriend as a comforting presence when others are around. However, when you embark on your work-related travels, your true self emerges, and perhaps it’s different from the persona you present at home. If you find yourself cheating on your girlfriend, it’s essential to reflect on whether she’s truly the right match for you. Continuing in this manner could lead to an unhappy marriage down the road. Consider taking some time for yourself, exploring life beyond your comfort zone. If this recent incident boosted your confidence, it might be a sign that you desire attention and connection. In that case, it’s crucial to be honest with your girlfriend and allow her to find someone who won’t betray her trust. I apologize if my words seem harsh, but sometimes honesty is the best path forward. 

irelandrover

If its the chase then eventually the thrill of cheating when you are abroad will wear off. As there will be no excitement.

And you'll start taking bigger risks to get that thrill. Eventually you'll take a stupid risk and get caught.

RiderOnTheStorm

….what if your GF was doing this too? How would you feel?

Modulok

For me this situation comes down to honour. A man should be honourable towards his mate. If you feel no sense of dishonour, what does it say about you?

spaceHopper

No not for me, wouldn't do that to my OH. And I think you'll get caught if not by your GF, one of her friends. You only need to slip up and tell one of your friends and they get a bit tipsy and blabs to their GF who knows yours… or somebody from work. Or some bird you hook up with get caught by her fella and she makes an allegation to cover her tracks and next thing the police are at your door/work here asking questions.

Or you get a taste for it and use an app and forget to delete it….

So if you do it. Tell nobody take it to your grave. And be **** careful stay away from pissed women

Hermy

"We have a great relationship..."

No you don't!