N/A Deleted Thread

dannijuno

N/A - Deleted Thread

Thank you all for your contributions to this

Big Bag of Chips

What do you mean by your needs weren't being met? Maybe breaking up was the only option. If there are issues that can't/won't be resolved then why prolong it. 4 years is a long time to be together and surely the next obvious step in your relationship would have been moving in together.

If she would talk to you there might be a chance of moving on. But if she doesn't then there's not much you can do. I'd back off from a while now. Respect her decision and give her space. She can't have thinking time if you're constantly contacting her. She can't miss you and you relationship if you're still around. Both of you should give each other space now to realise what it is you actually want. You might both decide you can try again or you might both decide the relationship has ran it's course. It happens.

For now the only thing you can do is give her space and time. Whatever way it goes you'll be ok.

Alexus25

Hugs🤗 this is **** news,im sorry

"needs not been met. I sat down and spoke to her about the issues in the relationship that were affecting me" - Can you elaborate please, context is everything

pale rider

Sorry you are going through this, a break up is hard and it seems this might be your first big one.

You say you want the relationship to work, she called it a day, the relationship is not in a pause it’s over, respect her and leave her be for at least a couple of months, you could message her to say you respect and love her and you won’t hassle her but are available if or when she is ready to chat….one messsge only.

dannijuno

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soap1978

Time to move now and stop feeling sorry for yourself,your still young get back out there

Sonic the Shaghog

Sounds like you are better off. I'm sure she's not a bad person but sounds like you'd always feel like **** with your needs and her not being of the same mindset. The type of thing where you'll move in now and then after a couple kids things will still be the same and it's breakup

ToweringPerformance

Don't feel bad about being heartbroken. Take your time and maybe even take a little break away by yourself and do some sightseeing or relaxing. Iv'e been through this situation a couple of times and doing what's best for yourself is all that matters.

Big Bag of Chips

You two had different needs and expectations of each other. Neither of you necessarily wrong. Just different.

You will find someone more suited to you. No relationship is without struggles. But if you and your partner are more intune with each other then you are more likely to work through your issues rather than allow them to break you up.

Don't compromise on what you need in favour of what someone else is looking for. Compromise involves two people coming together not just 1 making all the changes to suit the other.

It hurts now, but ultimately it'll work out for the best.

Tork

Reading what you've written here, I wonder how compatible you both actually were? From the information you've given us here, choosing not to move in together sounds like it was the right decision. There's an obvious problem with communication here. How could you continue in a relationship with somebody whose way of dealing with things they don't like is to shut down? The impression I get here is that you did a lot of chasing and trying to do the right thing, but weren't always met with kindness in return. I could be completely wrong, naturally.

Princess Calla

You were together 4 years and she recently bought a house on her own?

I find that odd tbh. I suspect you dragging your feet there and her powering on with the purchase was what started the relationship to breakdown in her eyes. She probably thought once the house was there you'd move in fairly quickly. Then when you didn't she started to emotionally and physically pull back from the relationship.

This leads on to your needs not being met and dragging your feet even more.

The relationship has probably run its course. You can't really have one person steaming ahead expecting the other to jump on board, also after 4 years in your 30's moving in together should be an easy decision.

The fact that the physical side has dried up when there's no kids or other big life events happening isn't a good sign at all.

I'd say leave her be, if you really wanted to live with her you would have bought the house with her. I'd say that's what everyone in her circle is saying to her too.

YellowLead

It sounds like you weren’t compatible and probably should have broken up sooner. FAR too many people stay in relationships that don’t really work for fear of being alone. If you both couldn’t communicate with each other and had different wants and needs I’d say this is for the best. She has made a decision - I doubt she did it willy nilly. Sometimes break ups are for the best - it sounds like this one is in the best interests of the both of you.

dannijuno

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YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121989149#Comment_121989149

Communication issues are pretty detrimental. You can get through quite a bit with excellent communication. But if you’ve only been together, 4 years was it, and you’ve had on going problems it sounds like it’s ran its course.

Did you have much relationship experience prior to her? What makes you want to stay in a relationship where you are having continuos problems?

dannijuno

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YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121989608#Comment_121989608

I don’t really thing it can be resolved though - you can’t force somebody to be open and communicative. Does she admit she isn’t communicative? Maybe therapy would help her? You can’t change people. And at the end of the day she is done with the relationship. Maybe she needs some time to work on herself and grow.
Relationships take effort, but it shouldn’t be one sided. Why do you want to make it work so badly - what is it about her that you think suits you more than other women out there?

combat14

move on wish her well and let her go, you will meet a better match shortly - dont be messaging her either she is the one who fkd off into the sunset its up to her to do a u-turn or not all

XsApollo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121989149#Comment_121989149

one bit of advice from me, if ye do get back together and you somehow do move into her house, do not sell your apartment. Keep it always as a back up , if things do go south many years down the road you at least have somewhere to live.

phormium

Leave it go!

Did you actually ask the lender about the penalty paying off a fixed mortgage, not always true that there is much of a one at all, depends on timing.

Tork

Why do you think her family and friends were encouraging her to split from you?

marilynrr

The idea was for both of us to sell our properties and buy together once we had kids in the next 5 years.

That's fairly vague and non-committal. Was it your idea to wait so long before having kids or were you both in agreement?

Tbh I doubt this can be fixed, first of all communication issues are notoriously difficult to sort out, and can take a long time if they do.

Secondly when you're at the point where you're in the negative cycle of both of you having unmet needs then it can be difficult or impossible to get back on track.

I can see why her friends and family might have encouraged her to end the relationship if she didn't seem happy and it looked like it wasn't going anywhere, particularly now as she's got a new house. They could be encouraging her to use it as a fresh start.

dannijuno

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Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121989149#Comment_121989149

On one hand you're talking about penalties for breaking a fixed term mortgage. In the next breath you're talking about her selling her house in next 5 years to buy a place together.

You don't buy a house with the view to sell it in 5 years especially in today's climate.

You're already in your 30's, together 4 years but still talking about waiting another 5 years before trying for kids, right when fertility drops off a cliff.

I guarantee someone said to her "he needs to sh1t or get off the pot" ,he's wasting your time.

So to answer your question, yes couples do break up and get back together, but the reasons/issues that caused the break up need to be addressed.

To be perfectly honest if after 4 years together my boyfriend said yeah we'll move in together in 5 years I'd be moving on.... you're not teenagers. Glaciers are moving faster than you are!

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121989149#Comment_121989149

Duplicate post.

reclose

I only read the first few posts but it sounds like you are better off without her.
You will see this in time.
Look after yourself now and show self compassion.

lawred2

4 years, in your thirties and still hadn't moved in! Complaining of your needs not being met.

Wasting her time mate.

Maybe not intentionally and maybe even with a good heart. But still. How long were you expecting her to wait while you focused on your needs not being met!?

Tefral

OP, go to /r/DeadBedrooms on reddit and you'll see loads of posts about relationships that started out like yours. In time, this would have manifested itself.

I know your hurting now, but you may have dodged a bullet.

marilynrr

I guess when I commit , I commit, we've had some great times, great memories and experiences, the potential to do well was there and I'd rather fix something than to start all over again, dating can be tiring. To be honest, I'm also afraid of potentially not meeting someone like her?

Actions speak louder than words though.

In the context of relationships saying "when I commit, I commit", would mean taking concrete steps to actually commit, but really it sounds like what you're saying is once you're attached you don't want to give it up, but there hasn't actually been any commitment either, you even said in your OP that she wanted you to move in and so for you it had to be gradual and you were getting to it, but then you've also said that there's a lot of work involved in renting out your apartment or selling it and sounds like you've taken zero steps in that direction.

You only told her you'd move in when the relationship seemed to be on its last legs.

If you ever make comments to her like that where you've shown that your actions don't match your words then I'm not surprised that communication is ineffective.

SunnySundays

Early 30s, 4 years together, dragging your heels on moving in....she's at the stage where she's really considering her fertility and you weren't on the same timeline at all.

Also, breaking a fixed rate mortgage has been little or not cost due to recent rare increases.

That fact your communication is poor, probably means it's the right decision anyway. If you can't communicate before kids, you'll really struggle when they cone along.

bucketybuck

Can almost guarantee that her friends and family were telling her to get out of there, and I'd probably be doing the same to be honest.

4 years, 2 properties and still not moved in together? How can she trust a vague promise of doing something in the next 5 years when that first step hasn't even been taken after such a long time?

The problem is, if you didn't want to move in a month ago then there is no point pretending that you would be happy to do it today. She'll know you're just "lying to live" as the old saying goes. So what are you going to tell her that will convince her that she won't be hitting 40 still waiting for everything to fall into place?

Give her some space to decide if she actually misses you or not, because just telling her what you think she wants to hear isn't going to end well for anybody.

evolvingtipperary101

On a scale of 1 to 10 how much do you want her back?

I hate to sound skeptical but saying 'To be honest, I'm also afraid of potentially not meeting someone like her?' doesn't really cut the cheese…
It's a negative outlook for needing or wanting someone because within that statement is the prospect of comparison (meeting other people).
I think a lot of people when they know someone have a gut feeling about whether they can get them back or not and really go for it. Are you really going for it?
Why do you want to get back together? Is it because you genuinely believe you're both right for each other and can work through the issues that arose? Or is it more about the fear of being alone or the discomfort of change? Being honest with yourself about this can help guide your next steps more clearly.

If you don't mind me saying, it reads like there was a lot of planning - separate planning - and not really going for it.

JoChervil

OP, I think you need some soul searching. You need to figure out what you really want. Some people don't like living together. Maybe you are one of them, so you should look for a person with similar needs. Such couples are called LAT (living apart together). And it is perfectly OK nowadays.

Don't give in. It would be a disaster. Would you really want to be in a relationship, in which another person dumps you to get what they want?

At the moment you can't do anything. The ball is in her court. Maybe she will figure out that she also prefers to be on her own with her pets, so you might get back together, but I doubt it. Also from my experience, when a woman puts her energy into pets first, she rarely wants kids later. Have you even discussed this matter? I feel your relationship was very vague in many areas.

Tork

OP, I know you've deleted your original post and this will be locked. If you and your ex decide to give things another go, I think you both should go for some couples counselling. Understandably there's a lot more to this relationship than what you told us here, but there are also problems that will continue to trip you up in the future.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - As the OP has been deleted, thread is now closed.

Thanks, as always, to all who took time to give advice.

Hilda