Bullies

Musicrules

Why do some people become bullies? Is it something lacking in themselves? They say it mostly happens in schools but it's widespread really. Would you intervene if you saw someone being bullied? Deep down do bullies know how horrible they are or do they care?

YellowLead

It’s generally said that they are insecure people. They feel more powerful by taking others down and sometimes part of it is to gain recognition / bond with like minded arses so they feel they fit in.

One would feel sorry for some of them. I doubt they realise the impact they have - some would be too stupid and some would be too wrapped up in themselves.

Musicrules

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121977293#Comment_121977293

Yeah, I agree with you. They're mostly sad individuals. It could be because they were bullied before or their life is just sh1t. It's the phycology of it that I'm curious about. Do some actively get themselves into positions of power so they can bully people? They get a kick out of picking on others?

Alexus25

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058345066/bullies

Youre making me wonder are you being bullied OP.

To answer your question, I was bullied a lot in school, It was ****. I had a moment where I verbally teased/ bullied my peer (however with this particular peer theres complex history there which i will not be sharing here) to look 'cool' in front of my friends, thankfully another peer confronted me over it and consoled my peer, its like I didn't fully realise what I was doing until my peer called me out on it. I think many people bully for different reasons, my reason was to look cool though it may be more multifaceted than that, guess I was just being immature and non compassionate at that moment in time, something I think a lot of teens engage in with that enormous pressure to fit in, and from a biological level, our primitive side of our brain depends on this for survival, which was super important for our ancient ancestors to survive in numbers as opposed to being more vulnerable by oneself when real dangers were around you.

Vestiapx

My bully had a micro penis. I didn't think anything of it at the time as we were kids and I assumed he hadn't grown (hit puberty etc) yet. But yeah that was his issue with the world and ultimately me. He had a tiny penis.

Packrat

Bullying amongst animals establishes a hierarchy which leads to better food shelter and mating opportunities for the stronger winners.

In humans it's no different except that we've decided that it's not civilized. So we try to equalize everyone. Unfortunately but predictably we'll always fail.

Its horrible on the receiving end. Its empowering on the giving end.

It's part of being a human animal.

taxAHcruel

I think it is one of those things with too many answers to settle on just one. Some do it as a response to being bullied themselves. Some do it in response to a lack they perceive in themselves they are trying to compensate for. Some are simply terrified and are operating under the fearful idea of "If I bully X or get other people to - then I am not the one being bullied". Others are simply angry at the world.

I have had a long term hatred of bullies seeing them essentially as cowards and nothing more. Always seeking out the easiest target. I think I have softned up a little in recent times.

A part of that is a recent addition of a bully in my daughters life. She (13) has acquired a bully. Which is promising to be quite hilarious if it escalates. My initial parent response though of course was to want to intervene. Go to the kid, the parents, the teachers, somebody. But my daugther has asked I not do anything.

What we are doing in response to a book we once read is building this guy a bike. Actually we went all over ireland collecting old bikes and bike parts to dissassemble and combine into full working newly painted bikes to donate to children who need them. But the coolest one of all is for the bully. That project is moving along nicely and my daugther and her friends are getting a lot of fun and proficiency at the work. Nice to see a group of girls but their phones down for hours at a time to get involved in something constructive.

PP Lee

I’m actively seeking other positions because there’s a manager in my department who’s a vile bully and a nitpicking micromanager. I’ve actually had to go counselling because of her. She’s out on sick leave at present. When she comes back, if she so much as farts in my direction I’m submitting a complaint to HR against her.

BrianD3

Bullying seems to be an animalistic instinct to dominate those deemed to be weak. Many women are attracted to male thugs, arseholes and bullies, these men have lots of children and pass on their genes, producing a new generation of thugs, arseholes and bullies. Also IME bullies who are reasonably intelligent tend to be very successful in their careers and success breeds more success. Hoping that bullies will fail in life and get their comeuppance some day is wishful thinking.

Vote4Squirrels

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121978779#Comment_121978779

Good luck with that, I had a similar situation - a thoroughly petty small minded little ****. Made my life hell for three years - tbh HR didn't really do much but listen, they had to "listen to his side".

Hope it goes well. I was bullied at school and to think I was getting it in my 50s was rough.

Ray Palmer

I think a lot of what people say about bullies being insecure, bullied themselves, hiding something etc is only one type of bully. There are genuinely just aggressive people or people that are aggressive at points in their lives. It is way more complicated than people say because it seen as a childhood issue mostly when in reality it is throughout life. Peer pressure is the same as bullying when you think about it.

I have certainly been harassed in work which is what would be determined to be bullying. It started out small but noticeable slights and developed it to active obstruction in work. Refusing to talk to me, ignoring emails and hilariously pretending not to be able to hear me in a meetings. Managers did nothing because he was vital to the work we were doing where as I could be replaced. I was just his latest target but it was his shi**y issue with people and always looking for revenge for his many perceived slights. This guy did many things to many people and generally people would let it go but I stood up for myself one too many times and took revenge myself by setting him up to make a stupid statement. Then the game was truly on he was just out to get me. I would like to say it was cat and mouse for a while and I wasn't bothered but he was winning. Eventually the company paid me off 3 times my salary and he stayed. After a while some unfortunate things happened to his car and I assume it was at least one of his victims if not 2.

JupiterKid

Bullies are vile and can and do destroy the lives of others, often to the point of suicide.

I was on the receiving end of bad bullying for a couple of years in early secondary school, and many years later in my work by a new boss who made my life hell, ended up leaving that well-paid job over it not being properly resolved and developed serious mental health problems that led to alcoholism that nearly killed me.

Those who say things such as “its a part of life, deal with it” or “you’ve got to step over others and push them aside to get ahead” are most likely to be bullies themselves.

BrianD3

Does that Rockshore ad that is constantly on TV remind anyone of bullies, I'm particularly referring to the part where 4 normie twats slag a girl (who is far better looking than they are) off about her clothes. "They asked you where you finished in the Da- arr-bee". I have experienced this sort of thing before, disguised as slagging by fake friends. It's always a group doing this and it's never a one off occurrence.

castletownman

I'd say a lot of the bullies in school back in my day (00s) would be diagnosed with ADHD or some learning difficulties if they were at it today. They were thick fookers then are thick fookers now, although some of them unfortunately fell into addiction afterwards.

Workplace bullies are just assholes plain and simple.

pgj2015

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121978779#Comment_121978779

Id be looking to do more than that. 😉

her car would be getting the tyres slashed for starters.

you need to really make the likes of her pay.

Hande hoche!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121982857#Comment_121982857

They messed up thing is often the malice in it is limited, the participants are just glad they aren't the one being targeted. Fairly toxic group dynamics.

jackboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121983099#Comment_121983099

99% of workplace bullies are incompetent at their job and are shown up and humiliated on a regular basis by employees who know what they are doing. They will try to sabotage someone down to a level of performance below theirs.

Musicrules

Sorry to hear of some of the stories here. Bullies really are horrible people. But as some have said here, it's not always because they are insecure about themselves. Sometimes it's just because they can. They see something in another person or they're in a position of power over a person and they take advantage of it. It's clear that some enjoy it!

How do you counteract bullies? In the schoolyard, they say give the bully a smack in the mouth. That probably is affective sometimes but it can also backfire. As an adult, would giving a metaphorical smack in the mouth work? Bullies don't react too well to being bullied back. Taking away their perceived power would be ideal but difficult to do.

Is the best way to report them? To get back up? Or that can backfire also?

gym_imposter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058345066/bullies

They have an inherent nastiness in them , often inherited , no great mystery, they enjoy dishing out cruelty

gym_imposter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121978779#Comment_121978779

HR is there to protect the company, they often view complaints of bullying as a problem caused by the person making the complaint and act accordingly

I was bullied twenty five year's ago while working on a dairy farm in New Zealand when I was twenty years old, I complained about her after three months of abuse , the owner of the farm was afronted at the idea that his judge of character was lacking when it came to selecting management staff

I eventually left but complaining absolutely made things worse

gym_imposter

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121979015#Comment_121979015

Very true, violent men almost always have children and never struggle to attract female attention

For most of history being good at violence was what brought success and more importantly increased ones chances of passing on genes

z80CPU

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121982369#Comment_121982369

Another good indicator of a bully is when he tells you to completely forgive some serious $hi£ another Third party carried out on you.

taxAHcruel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121983335#Comment_121983335

Probably a case by cases basic I reckon. As you say there are many types out there. Some as you say are just insecure. Some as you say are just horrible people and enjoy it. And some just have nothing better to do and do it "because they can".

So to answer the question of how to counteract the bully - I guess you would need to work out what is motivating the bully in the first place.

Since having kids I have encountered three situations myself - one of which is current.

The first was a kid who was held back a year from graduating to secondary and was put into the school my son is in. So he was already significantly bigger and older than most kids and a few years older than my son. Definite insecurity there among other things and targetted a few of what he though of as smaller weaker children - my son included. We sorted that one pretty well though and stopped him bullying not just my son but pretty much anybody.

The second was a group of teen boys in my general area who were hanging out at a particular "short cut" in the town - and would accost little old women or smaller kids - verbally or right up to physically jostling them. They were definitely in the "nothing better to do and were just doing it because they could" category. I actively sorted that one myself because most people around where I live just complained and called them things like "irredemable" and never did anything about it.

The third is ongoing as my daugther (13) has acquired a male bully in school. Our plan to sort that one is ongoing but is coming up on being ready to execute. He seems to be in a different "angry at the world" category.

I would have been in the camp like GymImposter above of thinking them all horrible people who actively enjoy visiting pain and suffering on others. While I still believe such people exist I have softened my response to bullies over the year to acknowledge a range of types and I genuinely do not know how many people doing it actually feel good about it. My deep suspcion these days is that most of them don't. Not really. And not even the ones who give off the outward impression of enjoying it. I have no actual data on this though of course. Just a growing feeling coupled with experience and anecdote.

Viscount Aggro

I was subjected to years of bullying from a younger man. He is physically bigger than me.

I didnt even know him. It was verbal abuse in the street, ongoing for years. Its very hard to stop this.

I can tell you, it gets in on you.

He was looking for a reaction.

Anyway, I saw his obituary today … looks like suicide.

gym_imposter

I don't go in for this " figure out what is motivating the bully" lark

If one my kids has a bully at school, I've told them to give them a good slap,the wonderful thing about humans is that everyone understands the language of pain

whisky_galore

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121984213#Comment_121984213

How does that work out when the bully is physically bigger and stronger than the kid being bullied? Not well.

whisky_galore

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121979015#Comment_121979015

Very much so. There's no such thing as karma.

Chances are they'll be successful at business (a high proportion of businessmen are calculating, bullying dickheads) or whatever they do, have no trouble getting partners, make heaps of money and live full lives but will leave a trail of broken human debris after them.

mariaalice

This comes up a lot on boards for some reason.

Children and teenagers, it's either a power trip or a self-esteem issue making themselves feel better by putting others down, the self-esteem issue usually has something to do with their family, their home life is chaotic, or their family is stigmatised in the community in some way or they have academic so social difficulties, also sadism which is taking pleasure in power over others.

The work situation is that they are either not good at their job or the other person has better qualifications and they fear for their position, at an unconscious level they dont like the other person, they are jealous of the person in some way it could be perceived advantage they think the other person has, be it background or privilege or wealth, plain old power tripping and sadism as well.

There is loads of research on this.

JupiterKid

One other aspect of bullying is that it is also very prevalent online on both social media and online discussion forums such as boards.ie as well.

In my time on message boards (20 years) I've seen plenty of online bullies. They especially get angry and offended when called out as such by others.

Wanderer2010

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121984503#Comment_121984503

I don't know. I used to be like you where I thought karma was just a comfort blanket for bullying victims to put their trauma in a neat little compact box where justice would eventually be served against the bully on some unknown future date. Easier than facing the fact that they sail through life with no problems or sadness.

But, and it's only anecdotal of course, I have known childhood bullies who grew up to have miserable lives, in and out of jail, broken relationships behind them and ended up overdosing or ruining every opportunity they ever had. Then I have known workplace bullies who have had tyres blow out coming to work, gaining loads of weight, having cancer etc and a small part of me is pondering....is this the world levelling up?

Then of course I also know plenty of bullies who have successful lives and are pillars of the communities with their loud personality and they strut around like everyone loves them. But I'm reluctant to say they are happy simply because I can't know the emotional state of another human being so I can't make that conclusion. It's a tough one as we aren't with someone 24 7 so we don't know their whole life.

JupiterKid

I do know that the boss who bullied me years back was an incompetent and angry, jealous man and I have since learned on the grapevine after rebuilding my life and career that he did get his eventual comeuppance as no-one will work with him anymore and he has gained a reputation for incompetence, so a bit of karma there.