Dealing with a covert narcissist in separation process

chloe2009

Does anyone have experience in separating from a covert narcissist?
Does mediation work? Or did you have to take legal action?
Struggling with this - anyone with advise to offer, it’s greatly appreciated.

Thank you 🙏🏼

YellowLead

This is an extremely broad question with little detail provided.

But it’s often best to go through a legal process regardless of the kind of people involved. If they agree to mediation - that’s a good first step and take it from there. If they don’t, then you’ll have to go the legal route from the get go.

chloe2009

thanks

I think if someone has dealt with or separated from a covert narcissist they will understand the question.

Was the mediation successful to conclusion?
Or did they continue to lie and manipulate in the mediation process? Leading you to eventually have to go legal anyway.

The reality is that mediation costs money, legal route costs even more money and in many cases to do with a narcissist - both are required, so the spouse ends up completely broke - which is what the narcissist wants.

I’m just looking for peoples past experience in this precise situation, if they willing to share, if that wasn’t clear from my post.

HazeDoll

Almost everybody who has broken up with somebody since about 2010 has diagnosed their ex as a narcissist of one sort or another.

OP, nobody here knows your ex, and even if we did we wouldn't be able to predict their behaviour better than you can. My advice is to keep things amicable but distant and all above board.

chloe2009

I’m not diagnosing anyone, this is the actual situation and diagnosis. Please do not belittle the situation. Not everyone is throwing the NPD diagnosis about.

Ive received numerous replies via DM, from people who have actually walked through the process, which has been very helpful indeed.

HazeDoll

I was really referring to the number of people who might try to give their tuppenceworth on the basis that they have meaningful experience of dealing with narcissists, when in fact they just broke up with somebody they don't like.

If your ex has an actual diagnosis of NPD then you would be much better off consulting a psychologist.

Hannibal_Smith

@Chloe2009 PMs are strictly against the Charter in Personal Issues. This is in the best interests of both parties. If anyone is sending you a PM on the back of your thread we ask that you report it to one of the Moderators of the forum.

HS

chloe2009

Madness. I’ll remove my post.

Big Bag of Chips

@chloe2009 as per the note from the moderator above we have a very strict rule in this forum regarding PM contact. As @HazeDoll rightly points out you have no way of verifying the identity or the legitimacy of any poster who contacts you off thread. You don't know if they're being honest or not.

Most people are genuine. Some people might see you as being in a vulnerable position and easy to manipulate for their own gain. This is why we ask people not to engage in communication off thread and to keep it on thread so we can monitor and moderate the replies if needed. Everyone here is anonymous. So there's no need to reply privately.

Please do not engage in PM exchange with anyone.

marilynrr

A difficult person is likely to remain difficult the whole way through.

Do you have kids? Do you have many assets to split? or should the legalities be pretty straightforward?

Tombo2001

Short answer is No, I have no experience of it.

The only advice I'd give is what Haze Doll said, to consult a psychotherapist.

FishOnABike

If you are married then it will have to go through a legal process anyway.

No point in going through a judicial separation and then a divorce, that only increases overall legal costs.

If mediation doesn't reduce the number of contended legal issues or the other party is not willing to engage in mediation, then it's not worth pursuing although in applying for a judicial separation or divorce one has to be advised of the option of mediation.

The point of mediation is to make the situation easier, identify the things you can agree on and try to resolve things you disagree on thereby reducing the overall emotional and legal costs. If it is not achieving any of that then the alternatives need to be looked at.

Only you know your circumstances and how the other person is responding or will respond to any mediation effort. Mediation requires a degree of cooperation and honesty.

It is worth trying but go in with your eyes open and if it isn't working, know when to call it a day.

stokesdiva

I didn't go for mediation as I knew once I was in the room I would go quite and agree to everything that he would say. As I just can't do confrontation with him. So my solicitor agreed that a judge would sort out assets and child. A good solicitor will tell you this.