My partner of 4 years is never interested when I initiate sex

nighthawkswoohoo

It’s become an issue for awhile now, my partner of 4 years isn’t interested in sex anymore and when I do she goes into a big lecture blaming me for things I did day before, it’s not the same anymore. She has zero interest in my since new years had sex 4 times, it’s getting annoying now.

am I overreacting or could this be an issue meaning she has zero interest in me.

SVI40

Lack of intimacy is a big issue. 4 years and she's lost interest? If there are no strings attached, kids, house together etc. I'd be revaluating the relationship.

marilynrr

Are there are other factors at play here? Kids? Mental health issues etc.

How long has it been going on and did she give a reason initially that might explain her lack of interest in sex?

You say she blames you for things you did the day before.....what are those things?

Are you getting on apart from that and is there still affection in the relationship?

T-Maxx

It's only going to get worse.

jj880

Very hard to judge this on so little detail. Im going to assume theres no health conditions / medication involved.

From my experience (as a man married to a woman) how you are together in general has a big effect. If you are getting on with each other and you're treating her well (compliments, affectionate, attentive, do things with the children, help her out) in the days and weeks previous then the sex will follow naturally.

Is there some other issue in the relationship that might be causing this? You say she's blaming you... In what way exactly and what for?

Mehaffey1

Any big changes career/work wise for either of you? Is there a new major stress in your life from car trouble to childcare etc?

taxAHcruel

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058341212/my-partner-of-4-years-is-never-interested-when-i-initiate-sex

There is a cliche saying that I have ancedotally seen being true more often than not. Which is something like "Most arguments about the washing up are not about the washing up". Basically meaning when small petty things like what you did the day before are the focus of arguments and comments then there is just as likely something deeper going on that is bothering her that is not being said.

So you ask does it mean she has lost sexual interest in you? Sure that is possible. Unfortunately there is so little information in your post about your relationship, your day to day, your history, your sex life, how you "initiate" sex and so on that for all of us reading here any answer we offer is sheer guess work.

But there are other possibilities. She could have medical mental physical or emotional issues that are torpedoing her libido. There could be something in her own life that is causing her emotional stress or distress or worry or drop in self esteem. There could be something in your relationship that is an issue and is causing distress or resentment. There could be something about how when or why you "initiate" sex that is an issue. The list is loooooooooong and I have only thrown out a few possibilities. There could be recent changes or events in your life of relationship that has changed something for her. There could be things your relationship is based on (like a decision to have or not have kids) that her mind is now changed on and she does not feel she can talk to you about. I could throw out 100 more.

The point is the list is soooo long that all we can do is guess. And the guess that she is just not sexually interested in you is just one guess in many. As guys our ego means it's often the first guess we might make. We make it all about us. But it's very very often the wrong guess.

In my personal experience - which is all I can speak to/about - the single most important thing in successful relationships even more important than sexual attractiveness and so forth - is communication. One good way to try to get to the bottom of this, is simply to ask and talk about it. Good communication can also lead to good sex too. So not only will working on your communication maybe get your sex life back - it might come back even better than it was before.

If you feel uncomfortable at this time to sit down facing her and initiate this kind of communication - I would urge you to try anyway. But - a few relationship counsellors and experts I have heard over the years suggest trying to initiate the communication while out on a long walk together. There is something about facing the same direction rather than facing each other - as well as working together towards a goal (the destination of the walk) that can make communication easier and stimulate progress in the conversation.

Failing all that a relationship counsellor could be a decent choice.

XsApollo

Whatever the reason is , do not advance this relationship any further, for example Marriage or kids , until the issue is resolved/ discussed / or whether anything can be done to improve the situation.

don't be fooled by upticks in sexual activity.

if it never improves the longer you are there the worse it will get for you.

the more difficult you make it to leave the relationship the worse it will get for you, kids and marriage make it harder.

I've been in that situation, when I think back to that time , it’s was brutal.

blaming you for stuff you did the day before as a reason for not having sex is a good tactic. Maybe she could say what you did there and then instead of brining it up when you want to have sex.

if she doesn’t like what you did the day before , why is it only sex that’s off the table and nothing else? Still talking I presume? Yes , go for dinner ? Yes , watch tv together? Yes, accept a bunch of flowers? Yes , have sex? Nope .

fix it or get out quick, because it will only get worse for you.

Field east

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058341212/my-partner-of-4-years-is-never-interested-when-i-initiate-sex

Just for clarification- is it because you are turned off having sex when she comes up with what you did yesterday that she did not like. Or are you assuming that she does not want to have sex with you by she coming up with this list

YellowLead

How do you get on in general? It doesn’t sound like a happy relationship, lack of sex is a symptom of that. It sounds like the relationship has ran its course unless this can be addressed, this being whatever the real issue is.

Vote4Squirrels

Could it be how you are initiating? Maybe she wants to be “woo’d” for wish of a better word? It might be the romantic in me but if you’ve kids could you get a sitter and go away ? If not, make a meal; romance her. Show her she’s the most important person to you.

And don’t forget the basics - never ever underestimate the romantic power of throwing a duster round and putting a wash on!

Best of luck! There should be more love in the world!

jj880

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121900833#Comment_121900833

never ever underestimate the romantic power of throwing a duster round and putting a wash on!

🤣

This is very true.

OP hopefully you get another chance at romance soon. Maybe this is a bit off topic (and not the problem at all) but since there aren't many details I'll throw it out anyway just in case. If you do get another chance 1 thing Id add (if you dont know already) is take your time. No rushing and plenty of foreplay. Be sure she is "happy" before the romance ends.

HildaOgdenx

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Thanks

Hilda

marilynrr

Sorry missed the part where you said it was only 4 times since new year....did she reluctantly go along with that sex? How often was it before that and was she enthusiastic about it then or does it seem like she was losing interest long before new year?

It's hard to know if you're overreacting without knowing how you are actually reacting, you say it turns into a big lecture about what you did wrong the day before but are you missing a few parts of the conversation there? Are you getting annoyed at her for saying no and demanding to know why she doesn't want to have sex which is what leads to her lecturing you? or what way is it actually happening?

ineedacompass

I’ll never understand why couples like this stay together. In Ireland, people in their 20s and 30s seem to just settle down for 10 odd years and then wake up one day and decide it’s expected they marry or have kids because that seems to be the “thing to do”. And they just go through the motions. I’ve seen countless classmates, friends and coworkers stay with people they clearly aren’t attracted to anymore or I see various women Im friends with linger around lazy fellas until they propose 12 years later when their prime has passed them by. All this happens because it’s better than being alone. Unless there’s something medical going on with your GF, a gynae or hormone or psych issue or recent post partum etc or some obvious reason that would lower her libido like stress at work or bereavement etc there’s no excuse really only that it sounds like sexual attraction is gone. Sounds like the issues going on are so big they are getting in the way of your sex life. She has communicated this to you and by the sounds of it, it is unresolved. Sort this out first, be attentive and listen to her needs. If you do all this and pull your weight around the house and relationship, she may forget she got the “ick” and be interested in the bedroom again. However, if you are a good partner, attentive and pulling your weight, something else is up. In that case, you should consider ending the relationship and finding someone who actually wants to have sex with you and will enjoy it. Don’t self doubt here. You know it’s true. But people let their misplaced loyalties and possible low confidence overrride their better judgement. Be logical.

Put it this way. I had an ex who did things that annoyed the sh*t out of me the day and week before every week lol. We would still have sex regardless because I was attracted to him. This isn’t complicated. So seems like an excuse to me and manipulative tbh. If people were more honest, they would be happier in their lives.