Adult Teen advice

Emilee

My adult child 19 I’m really going to lose my sanity, truly my child is out to get me. This past 12 months have been like a roundabout.

leaving cert time and it’s getting worse, I’ve raised a 19 year old dictator. I feel awful even writing that.

mum a single parent of 4 all adults now this is the worst ever. I understand not all children are the same.

A little back story

im 48 mum of 4, my children lost there dad a number of years ago been through the counseling for a number of years. They have other brothers and sisters different mother, but no contact they are very big into the drug scene, My children might not get the best of things but got what they needed and more.

I worked for a few years now on disability. My youngest really I don’t know if I’m doing something wrong, nothing I do is every good enough constantly complains dictates no matter what I do more is always wanted.

criticism is a daily thing I’m told I don’t do enough, this thing you don’t do this or that for me. They only thing I ask do your own laundry wash your own dishes after dinner. I cook 5 days out of the week, after that it’s help yourself. God forbid I ask my youngest to feed the animals.

we should be finished education already but my teen demanded to change schools so now we are a year behind.

I will admit I have been very soft since their dad passed, I need a big kick up the backside.

on the other hand I don’t want to be too hard, it will be thrown in my face if the exams are failed or not good enough. I will be blamed.

Daily I’m told don’t ask me to do ANYTHING I have study I have this and that to do don’t be bothering me, but yet we have time for gaming until 4/5 am most nights. I don’t react where in fact I’d like to strangle someone.

the job my child had all over summer break Christmas break I didn’t ask for anything from the money earned.

just even writing this I’m thinking why?

advice please

to add my 19yo is my youngest

Wanderer78

very little advice as such, im not a parent, but give yourself a pat on the back, you re effectively experiencing abusive behavior, and this is not acceptable. i would consider counselling again, not only for your child, but for yourself, just to create that space for yourself, even to just vent, which is what you re actually doing here now. im aware counselling is bloody expensive, but if you can manage it, particularly for yourself....

prioritise yourself, you cannot give to others, when you re just simply exhausted, make sure you re regularly meeting with supportive friends and family, enjoying the things you do, your kids are effectively adults now, or getting there at least, you ve done a hell of a job getting to this point, and largely on your own, thats impressive, i certainly wouldnt have been able to, and many others are probably the same.

exercise, exercise, exercise, within your limits of course, even light exercise such as beginner yoga etc

kicking yourself in anyway is absolutely what you dont need, be kind to yourself....

best of luck

spaceHopper

My mother told my sister after she caught her pretending to study for an exam when she was in college, that it was all down to her, she's the one who would have to live with the exam result so she wasn't going to get to hot and bothered about it. - That kind of woke her up. Tell you child (son) that they are 19 and no longer an child. So it's entirely up to them what they do but they will have to live with it. They are getting one shot at the leaving after that they have to figure it out, if they blow it by gaming instead of school or study they will have to live with it and deal with it. Likewise you already do a lot for them so they can't expect more. Their other siblings got the same and are doing fine - it's on you it's on them. 

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121596484#Comment_121596484

our educational system is beyond diabolical at this stage, it simply isnt appropriate for the preparation of adulthood in the modern world, yes there will be consequences for not performing 'appropriately' for this, but there are alternatives post second level, we have to stop pressurising kids through this antiquate system, its simply not working now for many....

...theres not a one shot at life here, or you re done, but a decent leaving cert can help, school isnt for everyone either, so that could also be playing a part here....

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Please bear in mind that PI is not a discussion forum.

All posts should contain advice for the OP.

Thanks

Hilda

Emilee

I appreciate your advice, I’ve given all my children the same advice in relation to school. It’s not for everyone, do your best theres no pressure. At 18 the option was discussed if they wanted to continue in school system education it was their decision. Obviously you want what’s best for them, but there’s a line you have

I really think it’s being selfish, there’s zero s**ts given, their view it’s all about them. I really don’t want to argue, I know I would say something I shouldn’t. I just want a quiet life. Brother says get them to leave, the behavior is so disrespectful

Emilee

I appreciate that, thank you 😊

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121597378#Comment_121597378

well its great that you provided a space for them to make their own decision on the matter, that in my mind is great parenting, and they made the decision, which is a good one, so good on them, but now the work is up to them....

unfortunately a lot of teenage behavior is exactly that, extremely selfish, apparently some believe its actually natural to do so, as its a method of the mind preparing to leave, preparing for adulthood....

...but that doesnt mean you should put up with it either, set clear boundaries, and stick with them, everyone needs them now, possible more than ever, no bullsh1t, no abuse behavior in anyway to be tolerated....

we all want a quiet life....

dont mind your brothers advice, thats just bullsh1t, and would be highly damaging to all involved, and particularly towards your long term relationship with your child....

Wanderer78

by any chance are they simply overwhelmed by the task at hand, and require additional supports including grinds?

id be concerned about the gaming, this could be classed as an addiction now, requiring professional supports....

Confused11811

They're 19 they are an adult. They are old enough to cook and do their own laundry. It doesn't take a huge amount of time to do so let them do it. Especially if they don't respect you and give you the "you don't do enough line"

Let them take responsibility for those things and see exactly what you do for them. If they go to school in dirty school uniform because they didn't wash it so be it. If they go to school hungry because they don't make their lunch so be it. Any allowance you pay them stop until all household duties they are meant to do are completed.

You pay the internet bill and are free to unplug the modem each night at a time you choose. If they don't like that they can find alternative accommodation, they're 19 and adult.

I'd make it clear they'll only be living in your house as long as they are in education or else in employment and paying you a weekly allowance. Not taking an allowance from them when they worked was a mistake IMHO. Even if it was just a token payment you should have received something.

As I see it , you are enabling the behaviour and using the death of the father as some sort of excuses for bad and disrespectful actions directed at you. I see it as a you problem and not a them problem.

For the record I'm a widower and single dad going on 10 years now with 2 teenage kids, the eldest went through a hard time a few years back but has come through it. You don't support kids grief or whatever it is by allowing yourself to be a doormat. Set boundaries, stick with them and put yourself first. It's not easy, life as a single parent is never easy and unfortunately being a softy often works against you.

fuzzy dunlop

It is going to be difficult for you I think. There is something you need keep in mind. And this is not an excuse for his behavior. He is 19 and while he is legally a man, the fact is he is still maturing. I get the impression that you do not have much in the way of family support. My own experience in life and it didn't happen until I was 24 was that I matured when I realized that the only reason I wasn't hungry and homeless was down to my parents. He is extremely lucky to have someone that cooks for him almost every day. That was my situation at home and I didn't appreciate it at the time. There was a meal waiting for me at home every day at 5pm and if I didn't come home in time (which I seldom did) it was in the microwave for me so that I could reheat it. I didn't deserve it but I nonetheless got it. I think that is the job for you i.e. to get him to understand you are not his maid but his lifeline. You are legally entitled to kick him out of the house if you see fit. And he needs to realize that the reality of life is that no-one and absolutely no-one is going to do it for you. You have to stand on your own two feet.

Emilee

I want to thank everyone for their words of advice, and kindness. It means a lot.

I'm going to stop being codependent which is a hard thing to stop doing.

my new favorite word "NO!"

wish me luck 😊

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121606176#Comment_121606176

As they saying goes, " 'No' is a full sentence". I think a lot of parents tend to forget that.

Best of luck.

Oscar_Madison

Aggressive - standing up for your rights at the expense of others

Assertive- standing up for your rights and respecting others rights

Sounds like you’re respecting others right to say and do things, at the expense of your own- that’s being in unassertive.

Great to see you learning to say “no”- remember you can exercise your right to say no or to state to others how you feel and a load of other great things, but still respecting the rights of others.

you have misplaced your voice to assert yourself and your rights and needs but sounds like you’ve found it again - best of luck

the14thwarrior

go for it.

change your response. let them do what they want, gaming etc. evidently he is doing it anyway.

set boundaries. so he's still not doing it at age 24 which is what he will do the way he is carrying on. by the time he is 30 he won't be moving anywhere and you'll be too old to argue.:)

Mr.Wemmick

I had a difficult teenager a couple of years ago. Very similar to you in that I was blamed for a lot of stuff and I too felt guilty, was too soft.

What worked: I changed. I stopped doing everything. Stopping taking the blame and told him in a very calm don’t-give-a-feck neutral voice that he can forget his exams just move out, get a job and make his own way.. he clearly can do so much better. I said this on repeat, did not engage in his drama and walked away. I stopped cooking for him, stopped fixing his stuff. He kicked up a stink at first, a very loud one.. but then he settled and accepted it.

Now he’s a seriously mean cook, very independent, doing really well and we get on brilliantly. I’m very proud of him.

In order for him to change, you have to change first. I hope my experience helps you.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058330578/adult-teen-advice

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