Birthday Parties

misterreginald96

Hey, just wondering what people's feelings are on attending every single neice and nephew birthday. I currently have 12, and if I don't go to one (or my partner doesn't go ) we get a bit of a guilt trip...it also causes arguments between me and my partner cos I'd be almost forcing them to go.

I find it so much, 12 bdays + all the other family get togethers throughout the year, it gets exhausting. Everytime one comes around I get the ..ugh ..do I really have to go (I have no children) and then this is followed by guilt.

Does everyone go to all these birthdays? Am I being unreasonable? I rarely miss any, but this year I'm tempted to kinda say..I'm going to just be attending my three god children's birthdays, but I'm not sure how that would go down!

Any advice?

listermint

Have you considered just saying can't make this date have already plans but will catch up soon. Then send a card prior to the date.

misterreginald96

I've done that for a few, but usually its followed by " oh Jimmy missed you at the party, can you call some day next week instead" ..

So that just pushes it down the road, and I'd still have to arrange to give them the present... also I can't really say it for all of them? Or is that just what people usually do?

backofthepack

short answer no you don't have to go.

Would you do a big day out or party in your house for them all?

Like Jay's night in modern family? Go OTT, plenty of food, junk, board games, computer games, karaoke machine etc.

Then you can be the fun eccentric uncle and get the whole thing done in one weekend.

Kill 12 bids with one stone

Princess Calla

So it's a summons you get not an invitation 😂😂😅

I have alot of nieces and nephews ranging from 30-15 or there abouts.

When I was younger I would make the effort to go to the parties, especially the young ones who appreciated the gift etc....my family doesn't live in the same county so I'd usually make a weekend out of it.

Then a combination of things happened the younger kids got older , the older kids had their own kids an me settling down and starting my own family.

My kids get a card and money sent to them and with the exception of my brother and my teenage niece coming to my eldests first birthday they are now 9, no one comes to visit for my kids birthdays as it's "too far" .

Now I don't have house parties, from the time they were 4 it's been booking "events" and their classmates invited.

So yeah, my advice is suit yourself as guaranteed they'll suit themselves. In my experience people have short memories for stuff others do for them. It's likely that by time you have your kids, their kids will be at a different "stage" and the idea of a 1 yo party won't be appealing and they'll make excuses.

Again just my experience, my family are fairly selfish, it really took me having my own kids (and therefore being unavailable to be the pleaser) to see it.

Ezeoul

Is this just your side of the family, or both?

TBH it sounds excessive, and I can understand your exhaustion. It just sounds like way too much "togetherness" for me.

I'd break the cycle this year, and as suggested, send a card and/or gift in advance.

I bet some of your other family members will be glad you broke the ice!

(Not to mention the expectation on a birthday party to be thrown for every child?!?!)

beertons

Make plans, say you're going away, not feeling great, have a match, overtime in work. Sending a card is the guts of a fiver, that's without putting anything in it. Send a text to the parents saying happy birthday nephew. That's enough.

Deeec

What age are the kids?

I used to invite family for my kids birthdays when they were smaller - being honest in my family I felt it was kind of expected rather than me wanting to do it.

Still do it for the 6 year old but not for 9 year old and 12 year old. As the years go by your invites will get less.

I wouldn't be offended at all if someone didn't go so I think you should just say you can't go. Your family is only being polite asking you to call around another time or that x missed you- they probably don't actually mean that at all. Don't take it literally. Your over thinking it - just say you and partner can't go.

TheadoreT

12 is ridiculous. If they're all your family and you all get on could you not group them into small batches ( eg 3 kids within a few months) to make it easier for everyone? Bit precious to have individual ones for all kids, they can celebrate actual birthday with immediate family.

Or just say no, parties/forced fun are generally overrated.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121574527#Comment_121574527

Without knowing the family dynamic you can't really say that.

Saying "X really missed you call down during the week" sounds more like a shakedown for a present than being polite.

Sending a video of the candles being blown out saying "X really missed you, we must do a catch up soon", to me would be a more neutral message.

Maybe the OP is overthinking it, however, without knowing the family dynamics it's a hard one to call.

We all know people who think the world centres around them and by proxy their kids....they are all someone's siblings.

witchgirl26

I can relate as there's 8 nieces & nephews on my side & 2 on my other halfs. Thankfully spread out during the year.

Honestly it depends on the ages involved. My older niblings (brilliant word!) don't have parties anymore as their in their teens so I'll just drop by sometime near their birthday with a card & a present. The younger ones I do still try to go. I'm not always able to and don't always stay the full time but try to make an appearance. It's nice for them & also gives me a chance to see them. I always went even before having my son. Now I will say my partner doesn't always come with me to my niblings ones & that's ok too. He might have something on or might not be bothered. And I haven't always gone to his.

If you genuinely have something on that means you'll miss them that's one thing (we missed a few with holidays that were booked - hard to know when the party will be if the birthday is a mid-week one) but just not going & staying at home instead I do think is a little bad. Like I said, we've gone from going to 10 a year to only having 4 (1 was a joint as there's only 2 weeks between) in 2023.

Also as a mam, I don't think your siblings are intentionally trying to guilt you when they say that "little Johnny missed you" or "would you pop in next week" but more letting you know that your nibling does want to see you & likes having you there. I'd take it as a compliment rather than a guilt trip.

Hannibal_Smith

Might depend on the age ranges. When all the nieces and nephews were younger we all made an effort, but now they're older the fewer I have to clean up after the better 😄

It depends how you make the choice and how the god kids are broken up. Are they 3 kids all in the one family or are they split in different branches of the family? I'd be worried the kid who's birthday you didn't go to would be thinking they're not as important to you.

Dial Hard

You don't have to go and your partner most certainly isn't obliged to attend either. There's no way in hell I'd be dragging my partner to all of my niblings' parties, which thankfully are mostly done with, but even when they were all still young and in full birthday party mode, I only went if I wanted to. As someone else has already said, it's an invitation, not a summons.

Akrasia

Smaller kids have family parties, as they get older, they want their friends there and don't care about much about uncles and aunts unless they have formed a bond with them earlier on.

If your nephews and nieces are all under 6 then it will be full on for a while, but in a few years they'll be over and you might never see them again...

It just depends on what kind of relationship you want to have with your nephews and nieces going forward. If you fob them off now, they're not going to have any relationship with you when they get older. You could be the cool uncle that they love to see visit, or the guy they barely think about.

(obviously birthday parties are not the only way to bond with kids, if you see them at other times, then that counts too)

Tork

Being obliged to go to all these parties is nuts. I have a good relationship with my nieces and nephews and I'm happy to send them a birthday present each year. I don't have 12 of them though! I haven't been to any of their birthday parties since they were small and even then, it was a timing thing. Nowadays if any of them happen to be around when their birthday is imminent, we might get a cake or go out somewhere but it's a loose arrangement. Most of the time, they have a party with their own friends or go somewhere with their parents.

I doubt Little Johnny or Little Mary is missing you at all when it comes to their birthday parties. This sounds like projection from their parents to be honest. The kids might notice if you don't send a present but they're not going to be fussed about the adults at their party. If you think back to your own childhood birthday parties, did you ever think about aunts or uncles showing up? I bet you were far more interested in the novelty of having a load of your friends in your house all at the same time. If I was in your shoes, I'd just start sending a card and a present to the kids and say "Sorry I can't make it". I wouldn't even bother differentiating between the godchildren and the rest of them. Be consistent in not showing up. You also don't have to justify yourself to anybody.

amdublin

I know it is easier said than done but I just don't go! After the first few times everyone got the message and no more fusses.

I just find them boring so I don't go. I suit myself on a lot of stuff tbh

Tork

Just to add: you didn't say what ages the kids are. If they're still reasonably young, your relationship with them won't be particularly deep yet. You're an adult who they hopefully like but you're still nowhere near as important as their parents or other kids. I bet that when you show up to the parties, the only thing they particularly want from you is their present. Then they exit stage left and spend the rest of the time playing with their new toy or with the other kids. You're nothing but a bystander. All of this guilt is coming from the parents. I bet they're the type who splash out big time for their kids' 1st birthdays and 1st Christmases even though they're meaningless at that age.

I don't get the godchildren thing myself but some people take it seriously. I think it's more important to be fair to all one's nieces and nephews. So be equally horrible to the lot of 'em and attend nothing anymore 😉

Rubberchikken

There's no actual obligation to go to any of them regardless of others guilting you out.

People say a lot of crap in a particular moment that you will learn to ignore as life moves on.

If you don't want to go, just say you can't. Very simple. No excuses real or otherwise.

Send a card and gift if you wish but it's a kids party. Not worth getting bothered about.

The child will be busy with their friends and won't hold it against any adult who doesn't or can't attend.

Any adult who attempa to guilt you is just sad imo.

lbunnae

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058329731/birthday-parties

i reckon I’d go every 2nd haha 6 sounds more reasonable. Would tell the partner no bother if they don’t want to join.

BabysCoffee

It's an invitation so you are free to choose to go or not. I certainly wouldn't go if it causes grief with your partner.

Just wish the kid happy birthday and let the parents know that you won't be able to go to the party. If the parents make a fuss or try guilt you about this, it is on them.....and fairly unreasonable to be honest. They need to understand their child's birthday is what's going on in their life and it doesn't relate to yours.

Big Bag of Chips

Do you see your nieces and nephews outside of birthdays? If so then you don't need to see them at their party. I doubt they "miss you" at all. Usually children's birthday parties are aimed at children, and they don't even necessarily miss one of their friends if they can't make it. They are too busy with everyone else.

Are you generous at gift giving? Is that why the parents are so keen to have you over? I'd just stop now. Unless it suits you to go. You don't have to go to 12 parties every year. My daughter has only 5 girls in her class. 4 parties other than hers. She might not even make every party for those girls in her class if she has something else on.

Stop the madness now. If they ask are you going to call over another day tell them you will if you have the time.

misterreginald96

Thanks everyone for giving advice really appreciate it, like I cannot believe how much grief these birthdays cause me! ..oh and it just myside, my partners side has two but they are older.

I was forcing my partner to go, this is because all the other partners go (every single time..which annoys me in itself) so there is always some comment it they don't " oh where is etc." I feel like I'm constantly having to make up lies ..small lies I know but Jesus it's exhausting. And then if I don't go more lies.

What I gather from what everyone says though I should just say I can't and leave it at that.

Others said I should feel bad that I don't want to go and just sit at home and do nothing. This is the kinda guilt i feel and why an excuse has to be made. Like for example there are two bdays this January and in the middle of that there is a family meal as well. That's all my weekends in January hijacked. I work hard, why should I not say "Saturday is me and my partners day to relax, yes we have no kids, but we get tired too"

There are other get togethers throughout the year, so I see them at all these anyway.

I have close relationship with the older nibblings ( learned a new word!) But all the rest are 1 to 4 and I know they don't care if I'm around !

Usually at these myself and my partner are the only child free people as well, so like we are always waiting for that one person to say " you're next!"

So, what ye said made me chill about it, I'm going to go to the ones that suit me, maybe every second one maybe less. I'm going to stop telling my partner they have to go as well. I'm going to try this out for January..I.e. just go to the non bday get together and see what ( if any )guilt trips I get.

TheadoreT

A 1 year olds party is nothing about that infant and everything about the self entitled parents. Cut those out anyway and take back your life.

Don't know if you're planning on having kids but if you are it's all the more reason to enjoy the freedom before your life becomes more structured.

Ezeoul

 "That's all my weekends in January hijacked. I work hard, why should I not say "Saturday is me and my partners day to relax, yes we have no kids, but we get tired too"

You absolutely should say it. And don't feel one bit bad about it.

Princess Calla

If you plan on having kids in the future, savour every single weekend and lazy mornings between now and then.

Go on as many holidays, weekends away as you can afford.

Go to the parties if it suits you, if not don't!

Deep Thought

For the main birthdays I would go. Like 1st , etc. but to then get a guilt trip about dropping in next week.. nope.

miamee

That's a lot for January alright! I'd tell them all you can't make the kids parties but will see everyone at the family dinner and bring birthday pressies to that. The kids will be delighted to get them on a day when they are not being bombarded with loads of other presents and you'll be the favourite aunt/uncle for the day 😊

I only have 3 nephews, if they have a gathering in the house for a birthday I go but now they are slightly older they are more likely to be having some playhouse type party. I steer well clear of those and my siblings have zero issue with that, no excuses needed.

Ilongga

My Siblings are living abroad and I don’t see my own nieces and nephews often. My husband however have 12 nephews and nieces ranging from 14 to 3 yrs old. We get invitations to every birthday party but we politely say no to most of them but send a card with money/voucher. We do make an effort for the godchild. My husbands brother does not go to every single party but at Christmas he rounds up the kids for ice skating at Blanchardstown followed by Burger King/McDonalds Lunch. He is easily the coolest Uncle.

misterreginald96

Hi, I just wanted to post an update on this. So, after this I said to myself, I will go. I won't make my partner go because its just too full on and it just causes resentment. It has turned into not just having jimmys birthday on the Saturday to now 5pm to 8pm during the week on his actual birthday. Which means I have to go straight from work to a massive kids party.

Anyway, omg the guilt trips I have received "where is your partner" "oh you are here alone again?" ..I can't cope.

Last week there was one and I had to get a cab from work and I was an hour late and maybe I was reading into it all I got was "oh we thought you weren't coming...everyone was asking....thanks for making the effort"

I couldn't help but take all this as digs..probably reading into it. Of course then I needed a lift home and my mother made the biggest deal out of it...

Ugh. I know alot of you will say ah cop on, it's your family. But Jesus christ it's exhausting, am I really the only one who thinks kids birthdays have gone mental!

I know its nice etc .

I genuinely feel like people with kids don't get that I have a job and have my own commitments. And I'm the only one there with no kids of my own.

Also, never any thanks for the presents? What's that about.

89897

You might be reading into it a little bit on what they are saying HOWEVER I totally see where its coming from, you've got enough hassle from them already.

Its insane that they are expecting what they are from you and not just that its totally unreasonable too.

I think its time to start pushing back and saying that the expectations are way too rediculous and if you started planning family events would you get the same courtesy.

TerrieBootson

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058329731/birthday-parties

My advice, which I follow, is don't go to ANY. Pretty quickly people learn not to expect you and are no longer upset and disappointed. However, always send a gift.

Hannibal_Smith

Tbh, I'd say no to the evening ones. If it's going to involve buses etc and cause you too much difficulty, skip out on those ones. Is it possible they're doing it so as not to commandeer weekends? Or maybe they have matches etc on a Sat?

But you're going to be asked where the other half is. I would think it rude not to ask?

witchgirl26

OP I know I said earlier in this thread that if you don't have something on, try to go but I think if it's a week day & you're trying to race there after work, it is perfectly ok to say, I can't make it. I wouldn't take the comments made, especially the thanks for making the effort one, as digs. I've never been expected to go to ones that were in the evening during the week as a lot of the time they don't suit people at all. Also from the other side of the fence as a mam, I've never gotten the huff with a sibling for not making a birthday party either during the week or at the weekend.

HazeDoll

Do these nieces and nephews, and their parents, send birthday greetings when it's your birthday? You're an adult so you're not going to drag them to a party for every single birthday you have, but do they do the absolute bare minimum of sending a text?

That might sound like a petty and transactional view of relationships - 'I'm not going to your party because you didn't send me a text,' - but there is sense behind it. How much do these people value you when you're not a supporting player in THEIR lives? Lots of busy people who aren't necessarily narcissistic monsters, just caught up with their own stuff, tend to forget that other people have entire lives that they continue to live when not in the 'busy peoples'* direct line of vision.

People with kids sometimes suffer a catastrophic amnesia and lose all memory of having a life before kids where they valued their time. It's not up to you to remind them, just don't get sucked into living your life by their schedule.

Perhaps you'll need to be properly occupied for a few weekends and evenings. Get tickets for something, go somewhere nice. When the summonses arrive you'll have an ironclad excuse and you'll subtly tell the summoner that your time is your own and you don't sit around, dressed up and waiting to be told where to go.

*I know it should be 'busy people's' but it looked so awful I took out the extra apostrophe.

Sunny Disposition

Realistically posters on boards.ie are very, very likely to tell you not to bother with social engagements.

I think you should make the effort as much as possible, particularly when you don't have your own children. Don't force your partner though, that is excessive.

You mightn't see it now, but isolating yourself from your family is not a good idea. Doing it because of sheer laziness is madness. If you can't go for a genuine reason that's obviously different.

If you were being asked to save turf for the whole family or spend 12 days painting their houses it might be a lot, but going to 12 kids parties in a year is really not hard work.

It might sound harsh, but you need to get over yourself. Or you are going to isolate yourself.

You might want to think about why you find it so taxing, why is there so little enjoyment in being with your family? It sounds like you feel your weekends in January would be ruined by the get togethers, even though it doesn't sound like you have anything else important to do. So why would you want to not be at the parties?

I really think that's an important thing to look at, why you don't want to spend time with other people when you don't have other plans. It's not that it's not legitimate, but you are going to be isolated. Is that really what you want and why?