Mid 30s and feel lost -empty at the moment.

heartbreak

Hi Everyone,

i posted here a year ago about a relationship break up and i got some great advice at the time.

i don't know exactly what i'm looking for now but i'll try give some context.

as the title says i'm mid 30's (male), i run a business that brings in a decent income and this year i started up another small business on the side that employs 1 other person (that has been quite stressful).

Back in February just after i posted on this i had to move back home as i couldn't afford renting on my own any more, i'll be honest i felt like a failure and still do at times, all my friends have houses i grew up with, long term partners, kids etc.I know comparison is the thief of joy but i'd be lying if i said i don't compare. I feel like i've made bad decisions and now i've got myself to this point,i carry a lot of shame and regret constantly.i think a lot of that stems from childhood too,not to put the blame on anyone else but i think the lack of confidence,shame etc stems from then

I have drifted away from the lads i grew up with,i met them 2 weeks before christmas for a night,i drove out and didn't drink,after the first hour, half of them were doing coke, talking nonsense, there were people sitting close by in the bar who moved away because how they were going on.i left after an hour,what i'm getting at is this compounds the loneliness, I'm no saint or perfect by any stretch but i just felt even more alone after that night out.

i would love nothing more than to settle down and meet someone that i really get on with, i deleted dating apps about 4 months ago, i said to myself i want to be able to talk to a girl without needing apps etc (i met my ex on tinder),i will sound vain with this i don't mean too but a lot of people over the years (male friends included) would say i'm a good looking bloke,i would be in good shape as i train a lot and get told quite a bit i'm good craic/company,i get attention when i'm out but a voice in my head always holds me back saying "she wouldn't be into the you" etc. and i never really go for the girls i'm actually into and as times going on i feel like them opportunities are getting less and less,i've been trying to put myself out there more lately.

My family is quite small,my Dad died 15 years ago from and at this time of year i do really feel so low and alone at times.

I have been going to counselling for the last year, the last 8 weeks have been more sporadic as i've just moved back out of the family home and into my own place again, this time i have the space to sublet a room to take the pressure off.

Sorry for the long winded post and if you read that to end you've more patience than me :)

Thanks again.

Happy new year

TheadoreT

Is therepy working for you? Maybe you need to change therapists. That's one hell of an inferiority complex after a year there.

You said in your last thread you pushed your ex away due to your insecurites and I can see how. If you go into dating thinking someone's too good for you that will manifest itself in all sort of needy ways as the relationship progresses.

You sound like you've lots going for you apart from that bit of self assuredness, so I'd be doing everything I could to improve that if I was you.

Tio07

hi heartbreak,

While I hear you feel lonely and a bit lost , I also feel you mentioned a lot of positives in your post too.

firstly congrats on getting your own place again and making it financially viable, that’s not easy in todays rental market.

You sound like you train and look after yourself and again that can be hard to do if you’re not feeling the best at times.

re not having a lot in common with the friends you grew up with, that’s just a part of life we grow and change and while some people maintain close friendships from childhood many more don't and go on to make new friends. I have made close friendships from different interests I have now and therefore have a lot in common with them but 5 years ago I didn’t know them. As I get older it’s quality over quantity with friendships.

I know it’s easier said then done but try focus on the positives, get involved more in something that interests you or that you always wanted to try and just allow your self to enjoy life a little. try not be so hard on yourself.

it’s probably one of the cliches but sometimes we attract a partner when we least expect, just being ourselves and living life and taking all the chances and embracing what comes our way!

keep the head up and it will fall into place!

santana75

I dont think youre doing as badly as you might be perceiving and I think your perception is the problem. It sounds like its not coming from you but from what society expects of people. But the thing is if you live according to what society expects of you then you'll end up in a mental hospital. Society will have you jump through all manner of hoops but it will never be enough, you'll always be trying to prove yourself. The only way to win the game is to not play it at all, dont take part. So what if your friends are buying houses? Take a look at that in the cold light of day, really examine this. What they've done is put themselves into debt with a bank for perhaps 40 years. The bank owns them, they're not free and they have to remain in a job that maybe toxic and harmful to their health because, the bank owns them. Like I said, really examine the expectations of society because most of it is not beneficial, it doesnt end well if you live by the dictates of society. Comparison is the thief of joy, you know that, and you get a choice: Compare or dont compare. Its in your control, its not something that just happens and you cant help it. You can. You always have the power to choose, so please exercise this power because comparison will lead you to your own ruin. Let it all go, no matter what anyone else is doing, leave them to it. I recall reading about Eckart tolle, who at one stage lived for 2 years with no home and slept on a park bench. But he was blissfully happy. To society he was a failure, but he didnt complare himself to anyone and now he's very rich and successful. A lot of times in life you will drift apart from some people, they'll go one way, you'll go another so dont fret about what your friends are doing or how alienated you might feel from them, this is an organic process, dont fight with it, let it happen and see where it takes you. You might feel alone at times but thats part of the process, not everyone will walk the road you're on, there could be very few people moving in the same direction, thats ok. Just because you encounter feelings of loneliness doesnt mean something is wrong. People are so afraid of feeling alone that they'll remain in toxic relationships, they'll sell out on what they know to be true just to be part of a group, but thats death. Let yourself feel alone, let that play itself out. And it will. Blase Pascall said that "All of mans problems stem from the fact that people cannot sit in a room quietly by themselves". He was right.

lbunnae

Just to note , you say all your pals have Gafs but they are also cokeheads, so yes comparison is the thief of joy but especially when you cherry pick comparisons.

Idbatterim

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058328909/mid-30s-and-feel-lost-empty-at-the-moment

Man your situation is so similar to so many. Many people would give a lot to be in your situation, believe me. Watch a few psychacks videos on YouTube, the guy gives amazing insight and perspective. What is your business ?

Men come into their prime in their mid thirties plus. No man should be making massive life changing decisions before that age. You can change your situation so easily. Its a mindset issue...

Jesus my male mates your age are making decisions to actively avoid relationships and they have tons of options...

heartbreak

Thanks for the Replies so far.

Theadore T the counselling did help and i know i have to put in the work when i'm away from the therapy room on my own, which i have tried but i think you hit the nail on the head with it been an inferior complex,i'm cringing a bit writing this but last week i was filling up the car,as i was a girl across the way was glancing over and i said to myself if she looks again i'll go talk to her,(i say these things and never do)i ended up going over and chatting for 2 mins and i got her number,i was delighted after it, more so for overcoming all the self doubt anxiety etc.Even before i was doing it a voice in my head was absolutely slating myself (you're weird,you're in your mids 30s approaching girls outside,other people will be looking).

The Therapy thought me to get a bit uncomfortable, little steps and i can do that but it's the one like above that really helps but i find it so so tough to do and it will usually avoid it then feel horrible for avoiding,like a vicious circle if all that makes any sense. (Thanks Theadore)

Santana funny you say about Eckhart tolle on the park bench.i was only listening to that in the car last week,i've listened to a lot of these over the years and they do help at the time but then i can quickly slip back into that comparing, heavy self critic but everything you have said in the last post is so true,thanks for replying.

Tio it's good to hear about people seeing the positives and as i said it takes a lot for me to see them most of the time but nothing will change until i'll change that,appreciate it.

idbatterim it is a mindset thing and it is good hear from others saying similar to what i deep down know but find it so difficult to do it if that makes sense,as Theadore said above it's about working on that self-assuredness,is paycheck a film,i've heard of it ?

Hannibal_Smith

@heartbreak if you receive a PM from a poster in the back of this thread, please report it to one of the PI mods.

Thanks

HS

heartbreak

Idbatterim Could you send that again without the recommendations,there was some good advice in it,cheers

Idbatterim

Sorry, resend what exactly?

heartbreak

It was something along the lines of being able to approach someone sober,my phone went dead as I was reading it

Thanks for response

LilacNails

OP, from what I have read, u actually sound as if ur doing quite well.... u have 2 businesses on the go, a relationship ended and u worked in urself...ur challenging urself by facing things that make u scared ie chatting up that girl, at the petrol pump! I would be too scared to even make eye contact with the opposite sex during daylight hours ! Ur friends are on coke ( peer pressure in their 30s?) And u haven't fallen into that trap.... cause ur clearly not stupid.

It sounds like what really set this off is the fact uv moved back home. Financially, for now it's the better option. It makes sense, soo many people are doing this. I only wish I could move back home, but my parents suffocate me and watch every move I make.... There's no way in hell I can or will move back, for my own mental health and sanity. Literally. I can't even save as all my money goes towards rent and bills. 1st time since I opened a bank account.... I cannot save 1 euro. The guilt and panic when I realised this is the way things are gonna be for the next 3 yrs (in college full time aka starting all over ) Iv been **** myself, but I've had to accept that's the way it's just going to be.

This time next year, or maybe after that.... you might have moved out, found a partner and be happier. Some of your friends marriages could be over. We really don't know what's around the corner.

Iv no childhood friends. Its so hard making new friends in your 30s I know, I'm still struggling too with that. I find those engaged getting married having kids all gravitate to eachother and forget about anyone that's not in that bubble. It's happened to me. It's lonesome and ****.

Maybe it's the time of year that has u down. Its normal, just not said out loud. Ur doing alright, better than u think. Stay focused on your own lane. Pick up a few books and read ...I'm not a great reader, started about 2 years ago and find it great escapism, there's learning in it too.

Best of luck, ur doing OK !

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121553981#Comment_121553981

I'm just going to pick up on one point as you've gotten sound advice so far.

Fair play to you for approaching that woman at the petrol pump. That's what life is about., grabbing chances.

Once a person is respectful and not creepy and can read the signals right, I think this is an inventive and cool way to potentially meet people. The other person can only say no!

Did you message or call her since?

heartbreak

Yeah so when she gave me her number(she gave her Instagram too),she said she was home from Dubai and was going back Stephen's day,we were texting for a bit,she wanted to meet up on a day I couldn't (I was down the country for the day) so it fizzled out with her going back.

To be honest I was buzzing from the fact I done it,even with drink on me over the years I would very rarely approach and I'd be out with people who would seem to do it effortlessly,so to do it sober and during the day,I really felt great after it.

I was always social anxious but if you met me you'd never really think it,I can put on an act or fake it I suppose but 90 percent of the Time I'd play it safe.

.........

Lilac fair playing on going back to college full time,when you take a leap of faith like that,good things usually happen.

You're spot on with the Advice,going to read a book here now.

Purple Mountain

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121556169#Comment_121556169

Well why don't you wish her a happy new year by text tomorrow and ask her to let you know when she is back in Ireland so you can bring her out for lunch?

iniscealtra

Fair play. Positive action. Well done for asking for her number. Also you made the right decision moving back home. You could save. It’s not an option everyone has as @LilacNails said. Respect on recognised not being influenced by your friends. Life is complicated enough without that *****. Join some activity based clubs (whatever you fancy) and meet new people. Get yourself out there and enjoy your life. Good luck OP.

heartbreak

Yeah meeting new people is a big aim for this year and purple mountain,yeah she was keen to meet but she won't be back to the summer.

I'd like to do more (not just petrol stations haha) but more of overcoming that fear,it's the number one thing I wish I could overcome.

Idbatterim

Spin plates, you need to be talking to and dating several girls. Forget this oneitis... most guys meet this girl who appears decent, drop all other options, if they have any options. They have a scarcity mentality. Let me tell you the next problem when you have this issue, your relationship with that girl you like, highly unlikely to work out the way you want it to...

You want the good news op ? You have all the fundamentals, you now need to make a few changes, back yourself, put some serious time into self improvement , effectively understanding men, women, dating dynamics, modern life in 2024 and back yourself. Don't be a back seat passenger in your own life.

A bit of relationship trauma and several months of actually educating myself a bit more on some subjects, where I already had a good awareness, has done me wonders...

I was already coming from level of a high belief in myself , my competence and my worth...

You aren't the exception op, you are the rule... you think everyone is out there with their **** sorted because they have a million euro debt around their necks minimum, slave to " the man "? ... roles now reversed where these "men " are submissive servats as is often the case, to their wife etc running the show ? Can't focus on yourself, your career, your wants, what about your desires?

"Why can't I see ? Because you haven't opened your eyes. "

Most of those in ltr relationships, particularly with kids, men for sure, would kill to be in your position...

Fresh slate ? A proper perspective on **** and life , that you've never even considered? Being able to do this while still young but with far more information and life experience than massive life changers made at 30 ish ?

You my friend, don't know how rich you are...

Friendship group split ? Of course it has, they all do. Go with the ones you respect and like, ditch the rest. Thats what one of my group of mates did with the others. Chase excellence in your life, for you... in health, finances, developing you, an added bonus will he, serious optionality with women as a result, but thats just a happy by product... IF you want it to be.

GreeBo

When I was your age I had just come out of a long term relationship and was living at home.

10 years after that I was married with 2 kids.

If you had of told mid 30's me that when I was mid 40's I would be married with kids I would have laughed at you. I had to move back home after the relationship failed and had no real friends that I would meet up with etc, as I had lost touch with them during the previous relationship.

Basically its never too late, but you gotta get out there. Nothing is going to land in your lap. I met my wife (and several other scaries :)) using online dating app. It felt a bit desperate but basically there are an awful lot of people in similar positions to yourself so dont worry about that and just get out there.

AndrewJRenko

You might be missing the opportunities to meet a partner at work or through work. Are there any local or national networking groups or professional development groups that you could get involved in, just to meet more people, whether friends or potential partners.

Is there any hobby or sport groups or voluntary organisations or political parties that you could get involved in, just to widen your circle?

heartbreak

Yeah I need to get involved in more things and put myself out there more,I need to just start something and not put it off..

I started playing football again (astro) with a bunch of lads but that's not really getting me out of my comfort zone or I'm not going to meet a potential partner from that.

Idbatterim

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121565638#Comment_121565638

tag rugby could be a good way to meet the laydeez... id stick with the astro, you need a balance, you need lad time too... there are also load of meet up groups for various interests...

chacha11

Have you only ever lived in Ireland?

I'm mid thirties female. I lived in Ireland until aged 28, then I moved abroad. I've just now moved back to Ireland.

Moving abroad and coming back, has helped me a lot in seeing the things about ireland that are a bit strange.

Ireland is very traditional. And very rigid.

Ireland puts a huge amount of pressure on people to own a house . If you don't you're a failure.

Ireland also puts a huge amount of pressure on people to get married. If it don't - you're a failure.

It's not true. If you never own a house , you're not a failure. If you never get married you're not a failure.

It's not like that in other countries. In other countries, lots of people rent for their whole lives. They never buy a house. No one cares. Lots of people stay single . No one cares.

Think outside the Irish pressure box.

You can be single. You don't have to get married! Go to groups. Are there any groups on meetup.com in your area