Wondering if this is something we can work through

anonforRI

Long time poster going anon for this one. I know I won't come off great and already feel terrible about how confused I am but please be kind if you can.

I've been with my partner six years. When we started dating, everything felt so easy and natural that I was certain this was the man I'd be with forever. But we've had our problems.

An example of this is he once physically hurt me during sex. It seems like it was a 'heat of the moment' accident where he got carried away with himself but I still got quite the shock and was very upset. When it happened he just got off me and didn't comfort me or say anything. Over the following weeks, I was scared to have sex again as I didn't feel like he cared about me and he got angry that he didn't know when he would be next having sex. After upsetting incidents like this happening a couple of times a year (not all to this magnitude) I told him I was considering leaving him last January. He was ashamed and said he would try therapy (he hasn't). He promised this mistreatment would never happen again and to be fair it hasn't but that hasn't stopped me from feeling on some level that it may happen again.

During this year, I started developing feelings for someone I work with. I tried to ignore the crush but it kept growing and so I decided to just accept it, because fancying someone is a normal thing and if I accepted the crush, I thought maybe it would pass. It didn't and still hasn't. Changing jobs to get away from him isn't an option in the short-term.

I'm not intent on pursuing the crush but up until that point, I never thought I would be able to find someone else to love if I ever found myself single again. Since developing these feelings, I've realised maybe I could.

The problem is that I don't know what to do now. My partner and I both occasionally go on work trips. When we're apart (up to a week), I don't miss him. I just get on with things. I know I'm not helping myself but when he's away I find myself fantasising about my crush and considering if this relationship should continue. But as soon as I see him, I can't imagine not being with him.

Are these doubts normal in a relationship? Does this sound like something we could work through? We're on a waiting list for a couples therapist and they anticipate we'll get to see them in mid-February. This is my longest relationship so I'm not sure to what level this is par with the course.

YellowLead

You’re not happy with your current partner. Couples therapy is admirable but it’s likely to do nothing only cement your decision. It’s not good for either of you if you remain in the relationship just for the sake of it, that never ends well.

Dave0301

You haven't listed anything positive about your current relationship.

Don't make the mistake of settling.

Six years is a long time, but another 6 might end up feeling even longer.

jj880

If you cant get past the incident where he hurt you (Im not saying you should) and he is not showing genuine remorse for it then Im not sure theres any future in it. If you're not happy end it before starting anything with your crush. Dont be 1 of these low individuals who wont let go of 1 branch until they're holding another.

Mongfinder General

If you fear for your own physical safety with this man then it’s hard to see how you can feel secure in a future home with kids and commitments, if you choose to do so.

A natural inclination could be to ask yourself the simple question - can I do better than this man? But it is not so straight forward. More and more people are single nowadays. Some by choice and some not.

The guy at work could be just a case of thibking the grass is greener. It usually isn’t.

Caranica

In every sexual relationship, attraction is important but trust is even moreso. He broke your trust and hasn't tried to repair that. Time to call it a day. I was in a similar situation and while ending things was painful, it was what I had to do to allow myself to heal. OP it sounds like your relationship broke down that night. You need to protect yourself.

anoner

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058328808/wondering-if-this-is-something-we-can-work-through

It's natural to be remain attracted to the opposite sex when in a relationship but you need to know how to resolve problems to have a successful lasting one. Your partner is not a mind reader the responsibility lies with you to explain how you were hurt, if you don't you're setting it up to fail either through sub-conscious or conscious selection

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121549123#Comment_121549123

I mean that's the oldest male complaint of all time that we're not mind readers, but you need to push past the "I'm fine" "I'm grand" initial layer of defence mechanisms to show her you really care. The OP's whole point is that she doesn't really feel he cares enough. Whether he does or not is immaterial, he should know how to make his partner feel safe or hes probably not the right guy for her.

anoner

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121549233#Comment_121549233

It's an old complaint because it's true, she needs to tackle the problem and has started by posting but she needs to talk to him. She needs to tell him, she needs to explain, she needs to give detail, she needs to say why, she needs to come up with options, alternatives and or solutions

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121549254#Comment_121549254

Haha have you ever had a successful relationship? If people are run on emotions, logic and rationale won't suffice, us men try to solve issues that way, it'll rarely work in reality.

anonforRI

Thanks for all the replies. Just to explain, I did initially have some positive things to say about him in the original post (he can be funny, kind, attentive and when I look at our pictures together, I'm still struck by how he's gorgeous) but I removed them because the post was very long.

I've tried talking about this with him for the past year. Every two to three months, we would have a conversation where he will promise change. Some of the standard issues are his only interest is watching the tv and if I suggest going on a date, he's not keen to do it. He has some health issues that he's not working to get under control and I worry he's moving towards an early grave. Our home can quickly become a mess and he'll clean pots and pans but that's about it. The dishes being done are the only important thing to him so once they're done, it doesn't matter how the rest of the home is.

I've been honest with him in saying that I don't know how exactly we can help me feel safe with him again and he's said he doesn't know either which is why counselling came into the equation.

Since the week before Christmas, he's genuinely been making an effort with a lot of the issues I've brought to him but I've been fighting this battle for so long that I feel like it may be over. I just need to work out a way back because he's finally working on things and recognising the problems that have exhausted me for the past year.

A partner who always turns down dates to play FIFA for hours is exhausting. Being the main one to maintain the home is exhausting. He could leave things on the counter for months and it will take asking him continuously to put it away to eventually have it sorted. If I move it to his wardrobe, he's angry that he doesn't know where it has gone. He'll start putting the shopping away but never finish. Only the things that go in the fridge get put away and everything else is left. It's a mess. All of this on top of not feeling safe is exhausting. I was exhausted and my crush revitalised me and made me see how much value I have.

But I love my partner. I just don't know that I still love being with him. I don't know what the way forward is here.

Dial Hard

You can't stay with someone you don't feel safe with, it really is as simple as that. Even if he was the perfect partner otherwise - and he very clearly isn't - I would still be strongly advocating for you to leave. As is stands for you, I have absolutely no idea why you are still with this man.

If the first instance of hurting you was an accident, and tbh I'm not entirely convinced it was, a genuine partner would have been absolutely horrified and done everything in their power to make you feel safe again. Your boyfriend has done no such thing. Think about that long and hard for a minute. All he has learned from that incident (and subsequent ones, if I'm reading your post correctly) is that he can hurt you without repercussions. That's an absolutely terrifying thought, to me.

Seriously, OP, what would you be telling a friend or family member who was in this scenario???

Big Bag of Chips

If he's being nice now, and making an effort and not being a dick, then how does that make you feel to know that he is capable of that, but for all these years has chosen not to. Has chosen instead to make your feel bad, to treat you badly, to ignore you when you tried to discuss issues with him?

You've spent 6 years trying to let him know how you feel. He hasn't cared. You shouldn't have to teach someone to care about you. They either do or they don't. He doesn't. Not really. He's doing and saying stuff now to appease you and keep you just happy enough to make you go back to normal and then he can go back to normal.

How many more years do you want to give trying to teach an adult man what's appropriate and what's not?

HildaOgdenx

OP, I agree with what @Dial Hard and @Big Bag of Chips have said.

Given what you have outlined, I do not think joint therapy is the best course of action, whatsoever. I would be seeking out individual therapy, if I were you.

This link is a good start point in finding the therapist best suited to your situation.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2057956018/how-to-find-help-a-counsellor-therapist-psychologist#latest

YellowLead

He’s only making an effort now because he’s scared you might actually leave. Don’t mistake that for love.

What’s the story with the crush? You said you didn’t take it further but then ‘my crush revitalised me and made me see how much value I have’ - if you just fancied him why would you feel valued, or has he told you how he feels?

You have lost your trust in your boyfriend - that’s a very basic thing that needs to be there, without it there is nothing. Don’t try and flog a dead horse just because it’s been your longest relationship and you’re too scared or being alone.

TheadoreT

I think after 6 years you'll have gauged his general motivation level for the relationship and life, these can change short term when people feel under threat but most people generally revert to their default or get worse with time. If you want to accept that for the rest of your life then thats fine, but if you want something a bit more for yourself, it's better to end it sooner rather than later.

You haven't mentioned if you want to have kids but he doesn't exactly sound like ideal father material if you do. I think by starting this thread alone your gut is telling you it's over.

anonforRI

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121550885#Comment_121550885

Thank you again for all of your replies.

To answer your question about the crush, I suppose we hit it off so well and he had a bit of an interest in me, so as my crush started growing, the thought of 'could he or another man ever be interested in me?' came into my head. I took a long hard look in the mirror and realised I have a lot still going for me. My partner would be pretty bland with his compliments ("you look nice" is the best I'll get) and I've asked him to try harder, hoping one day he might call me gorgeous or stunning, but he never has. I guess I always thought if that was the best I could get from my partner then there was no chance at this stage in my life I would ever attract another man, but the last few months I've realised I don't need him to tell me I'm gorgeous. I can believe it without hearing it.

I know it's a lot to get from a crush but it really set the wheel in motion for me to question a lot of my beliefs about myself and my relationship.

For the people asking why I'm still with him, I've spent six years with him so I've grown up in this relationship and its what I've known. I've listed a lot of bad things but it wasn't/isn't always bad. I naively never thought we would end. Sometimes I feel such genuine joy that I think 'how did I ever consider leaving him?' Add to that we've lived in the same home together for five years. It's hard to imagine how much my life is about to change.

The idea of finding a place to live has been a big factor in this as I've seen so many friends emigrate the past two years and housing wasn't a small part in that. I used to be out most days/nights but I have one friend left in Ireland. Add to that I run my own business and even though my income has been stable for months, I worry that it could change at any time. I'm going to draw up a new budget for 2024 and work out what I can reasonably afford but its tough.

Thank you again for the replies.

YellowLead

Your last post have clarified even more that you are only staying in this relationship for all the wrong reasons - worry no other man will want you, worry you won’t be able to afford housing solo, etc. the longer you leave it the harder it will get. Be brave and end things - you will both get over it and be the better for it.

Bricriu

It is obvious to anyone reading your story that this relationship is over.

The only thing keeping you from flying the nest is fear of the future.

Idbatterim

whatever about this new guy, i think the far bigger question is, do you want to be in this relationship? also, as others have expressed , there are issues with couples therapy... its seriously concerning that he hasnt apologised etc, WTF?! other than that, are you happy with the relationship?

he could well suffer from adhd by the sounds of it, or maybe just lazy. We have very little context, does he work a lot of hours or hard job? could he be depressed? The lack of date nights is a problem. Is he happy in the relationship ?

Look, you cant go on as you are. So where does that leave you?

1. sort this out with him, open conversation, tell him where you are at and have a proper discussion, everything out on the table. OBVIOUSLY not that new crush, that is irrelevant, you wont be cheating on your husband and you are allowed to find someone attractive. Why wait until february to start, start now, a councillor cant change him or you, you need to do that yourself. I would lay it out and then give it a month or so and re evaluate. I would also be saying that this cant be temporary, the relationship has to work for both of you.
2. If you go down this route and it doesnt work, are you prepared to walk?