When does it get easier?

PI_R_Anon_12345

Hey all, I've posted before, in short I discovered my wife of 8.5 years was cheating, we've separated and are doing our best to co-parent or child who has additional needs. It all came out back in April, I had to stay in the house until end of August because of work situation, since then I've been living with my parents and spending weekends in ex's house with my kid (ex goes away).

It still sucks balls and while we're doing our best to move on with things (we're doing the mediation thing), I am struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel.

For people who've give through similar, when did this start feeling more normal and better for you?

Shoog

Years.

No easy way through any relationship ending. It will take years just for you to accept it's truly over.

No help but reality ain't easy.

Str8outtaWuhan

Plan for the future. Can the child hope to live independently after 18/college? Are you 100% sure your wife's infidelities post date the child's conception, my advice would be to get a paternity test if you are not sure. Any mediation or settlement must not involve her beau moving into a house you are paying for so my advice is lawyer up.

TheadoreT

Eat well. Exercise plenty, preferably something you enjoy and with others as you'll maintain it longer. And take personal accountability and responsibility for everything that has happened and will happen in your life. Then things get easier.

PI_R_Anon_12345

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121545245#Comment_121545245

What is it about this forum that attracts people to question the parental status so freely and easily?

Str8outtaWuhan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121545559#Comment_121545559

When a wife is unfaithful and you are expected to trust what she says about the paternity of a child, surely it's good honest advice to be 100% sure you are sacrificing your future for your own offspring and not potentially supporting someone else's mistake?

marilynrr

It still sucks balls and while we're doing our best to move on with things (we're doing the mediation thing), I am struggling to see light at the end of the tunnel.

For people who've give through similar, when did this start feeling more normal and better for you?

My ex took our break up extremely hard, couldn't have been any worse tbh, he even ended up hospitalised but I'd say after around 7 or 8 months that was a turning point for him! That Christmas was hell, but by around February things were all good!

You're kind of stuck half living your old life at the moment, why are you still in mediation? If you're still 'negotiating' the break up then it's hard to start accepting it's over I think. I remember your last thread, you seem to be civil when it comes to co-parenting and you said you were renting so there's no house to sort out so I don't get why you need to be at mediation?

Do you have even a rough plan about when you'll move out of your parents house? I know it's hard to plan with the housing crisis.

Do you think you could start doing anything new to sort of separate your old life and your new life a bit? If all you're doing is working and then going back to your old house at the weekends to look after your child then your life will feel 'less than' instead of different. Do you think you would benefit from a few counselling sessions? or planning some fun things for yourself? a trip away or something?

Rubberchikken

I don't think there's a set time on coming to terms with what you've been through.

You seem to be trying to do your best for your child and trying to get a handle on what must have been a truly horrible experience. You will come out the other side of it wiser but give it time.

SoapMcTavish

It will take time, and maybe a change in lifestyle and environment. Hard to hear, but it will get easier. Sorry for your woes.

thatshowthelightgetsin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121545559#Comment_121545559

It's called paternity fraud. It is not uncommon. Indeed, it's quite common in cases where there is proven evidence of extramarital relationships, such as is the case with the op's ex. The op has nothing to lose, and everything to gain, by getting such tests. The alternative could be to live a lie about your birth parent status, or to live in doubt about it. The truth is instantly preferable.

https://www.irishtimes.com/news/crime-and-law/courts/high-court/man-denied-records-relating-to-girl-he-thought-was-daughter-1.2975617

TheadoreT

Yeah it must be incredibly difficult to even let yourself consider it a likelihood after a few years spent bonding with the child, but the reality is most cheaters will offend repeatedly and will never admit anything until they're caught red handed.

Goodigal

To answer your question OP, it took about 10 months for me to start eating properly and sleeping through the night again. Took about a year to stop overthinking everything I had learned and questioned about my ex husband, because I was never going to get the answers I needed. And another year before I considered even going on a date with anyone else and got back out chatting to new people.

Almost 6 years later and it's like looking back at someone else's life. Been to counselling intermittently in that time, heavily rely on yoga for day to day grounding, had some good relationships that helped me realise what I want, but my ASD sons are always my priority. And they're getting older and not relying on me as much which makes life a bit easier.

It really does just take time, I cant stress that enough. But you'll get there, and the new normal will feel ok. As difficult as times are now, there's a whole other half of your life ahead with good stuff to come.

Dial Hard

I agree with everyone else, the only way out of it is through it. Sadly there's no magic wand any of us can wave to make you stop questioning what happened and wondering what - if anything - you could have done differently. When my marriage ended the words "If" and "Why" were on CONSTANT rotation in my head and nearly drove me crazy.

Healing is a process and there really isn't any way to fast-forward it, unfortunately. The main thing you can do is be kind to yourself.

raclle

There's always going to be an adjustment period after being together so long but don't get too hung up and forget to live. Remember that she stopped loving you and checked out of your marriage a long time ago to be with someone else. I've heard that thought alone is enough to make people realise their ex didn't give a **** about them and they moved on faster than expected.

spaceHopper

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121546111#Comment_121546111

Yea we've all heard of it. Guy I know had a child with is ex, she broke contact for years. He'd a new partner then his ex got in touch she needed help. His new partner kicked off DNA tests... at the end of it they broke up after the tests showed it was his child. As he put it, he always knew, sure they were the image of him.

What I'm saying is we need to let it go the OP has enough on to be dealing with.

OP I remember your post, to be honest I looks like you are doing everything right. Winter and Christmas is sh1t time of year hopefully it will improve soon.

My only advice it to make it clear to your ex that this is on her and you are going to stand up for yourself. You'll do your part but she's going to have to step up alot - don't expect an easy time of it. You need to make sure you take time out for yourself - don't get pressured into every weekend. Try to see your child mid week so that you have weekends free too. Otherwise she will be out making a new life for herself and you'll be trapped as weekday worked / burger king dad

wonga77

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121545559#Comment_121545559

If you spend any time on reddit then you'll see it appears every second story from the US involves paternity fraud

PI_R_Anon_12345

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121561956#Comment_121561956

1: I've asked people to stop questioning this, so please do.

2: even if there was a question of DNA (there isn't), I've raised my son for 8 years. Do you really think that if you found out that there was an issue with paternity that you'd just walk and abandon the relationship with your child then?

PI_R_Anon_12345

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121561679#Comment_121561679

Thank you. The weekend bit is the hardest alright, but then it's really difficult for me and work to get to him mid-week. It's a struggle.

One thing I need to catch myself on, and I said it to my sister last night too, is this feeling of guilt when I'm not with him. I had him for 4 nights over weekend, and last night was my own. But the weather was crappy and I was feeling guilty that my ex had to figure out what to do with the youngfella in the crappy weather. And that's not for me to be guilty about, but it's hard for those feelings to just stop.

Christmas/new years is just a bit bleh. Half thinking of bailing out somewhere for next year to just not deal with it, you know?

spaceHopper

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121563731#Comment_121563731

Having a plan for something to look forward to sounds good, even it its going somewhere in April May or September.

I get what you are saying about your son and crappy weather. But when he's with her that's her problems not yours, all of this is her own doing and up to her to sort out. She also has the support of her family nearby so she'll be fine - it's not your problem it's her's. You need to be a lot more selfish and think about yourself. When he's with you and the weather is bad, what's he into could you bring him swimming, cinema, build a fort or den in the house...

Idbatterim

she cheats and you have to move out? what the hell is that about?!

marilynrr

@Idbatterim

From his last thread, the house is rented and is next to her parents house, and their son couldn't sleep without his mother.

Sunny Disposition

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121563731#Comment_121563731

This Christmas was bound to be a particularly tough one. And the weather was very miserable too.

I think it varies from person to person as to how long it takes to recover from a relationship breakdown. If you keep busy and have something to work towards I think it helps. I think once a full year has gone by and you have done everything once, it does get easier.

foxsake

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058328663/when-does-it-get-easier

it'll be better when you start living your life without your ex. do your have your own life with hobbies , social life that extend beyond work and your child.

Id say mentally staying in your ex's isn't good for your mental health but if you are spending all weekend with your kid - where is YOUR time to grow and develop as an independent person ?

Your ex gets the weekends to do her things. what about you? Its all great and noble to say "for the kid" etc... but that won't help anybody long term when youre not able to develop beyond JOB and Kid.

If I had some advice, reclaim some of your weekends and do stuff that interests you.