Unreasonable?

throwawayanon12

Hi All,

Looking for some opinions on the below.

My OH and I had our 1st child earlier this year.

Two particular friends of mine have sent no card or gift to acknowledge the arrival to date.

Both of these friends have gotten married in the last 18 months and both would be very financially comfortable. My OH and I missed one wedding due to C-19 in 2022, but we sent card and standard monetary gift. The same couple bought a house shortly after our first was born. (We still had the wherewithal to send them a Congratulations card for this too!)

The other couple got married shortly after our child was born in May, so we did not attend the wedding but again sent a Card and the standard monetary gift.

I know it's not technically a 'one for one' arrangement, but sending wedding gifts to both parties even though we did not attend, and not even getting a card in return has me feeling like a bit of an idiot.

There are others that I would know for longer that didn't acknowledge the birth either, but I am not as disappointed with them for some reason.

Am I being unreasonable/petty?

Buddy Bubs

A bit yeah, I certainly wouldn't bring it up it's their choice to do it or not, they've chosen not to and I'd leave it at that

MrMusician18

If you give a gift with the expectation of one in return you are likely to end up disappointed - as you have been. The other thing I can say (from my own experience) is that couples that do not have children themselves are less likely to give a gift on the birth of a child.

I always think it's unreasonable to expect a gift but at the same time it's disappointing if a major life event goes unacknowledged by friends. Maybe you are not as close as you thought?

Jim_Hodge

It would be nice to have heard from them but I'd stop obsessing about any 'standard monetary gift'. Some people are more into the sending congratulations cards than others. Some people genuinely just don't get round to it due to other pressures in life.

I wouldn't be too put out by the lack of a gift, a card is a very simple thing to do though, that they didn't even bother doing that is perhaps rude.

As the previous poster said, maybe they don't see the relationship as you do? I wouldn't bother raising it with them, let it go, but in future be aware of the value they place on your relationship.

TheadoreT

Have you seen them since? Don't think I'd send a friend a gift/card for a new arrival but would give it to them in person the next time I'd see them(even if months later).

I think context is important, if its further proof of selfishness or one sided relationships then I'd evaluate those friendships. If it's just a 1 off then you're probably being a little over precious about the lack of present/ not seeing that everyone won't be as obsessed (as you rightly should be) about your new arrival.

Dial Hard

Have you actually met up with either of them since your baby was born? Plenty of people wait to give baby gifts in person. My mother has had baby gifts in the house for the guts of a year in the past because she just hasn't seen the person to give it to them.

whatnext

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058327612/unreasonable

Bloke perspective - I didn’t even know these cards existed until we received a couple of them. Not something to get wound up about. I doubt we got more than a half dozen cards when our first was born. Many years later I’ve no idea who did or didn’t send , and I care even less. Certainly wouldn’t want to have lost any of our friends from that time over it either. I think we still have them all.

HildaOgdenx

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Hilda

Rubberchikken

I'm sorry they didn't acknowledge the birth with even a simple card but some people are maybe forgetful or busy but I think it has hurt to have it happen.

Try to let it go. Enjoy Christmas time with your little one and accept that everyone does things differently.

Congrats btw😁

the14thwarrior

i think its unreasonable, people do send cards but these are people that generally send cards for everything.

the birth of a child is one of those things, most people eventually give you a gift (but lots don't). somehow its not as done a thing as a wedding.

if you meet them, they do generally give a gift for the baby.

don't overthink it because lots of people don't do it.

it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt

SEPT 23 1989

Did they ring to congratulate you?

iniscealtra

I wouldn’t worry about that at all. Just get on with your life and enjoy the baba.

lmk123

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058327612/unreasonable

They could be going through hell trying to have children for all you know, 2 of my best friends and their wives won’t call to the house since we had children, I still get on the best with them it just becomes obvious after a while, I don’t blame them at all it must be brutal to see everyone else having children and it yourself, be happy with what you have and forget about a stupid card ffs

iniscealtra

@lmk123 Totally agree. A friend of mine lost a child quite far on in the pregnancy and missed out on a family baptism the following year. She just didn’t feel up to going as it was just too soon for her. Might have been grand the following year. No-one wants to be upset around people who are celebrating something positive and put a downer on it.

kowloonkev

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121515679#Comment_121515679

Also blokes perspective, it's a pain getting these cards because it just puts pressure on to reciprocate. Granted it's almost always women who buy and send cards for most things. Guys aren't bothered.

In this case they're obviously all couples but they might have a hundred family and friends who would be 'close enough' to send cards to. It's a neverending cycle of remembering dates, buying cards and sending them if you decide to participate in the practice. And you'll always forget something and upset someone.

OP did those friends acknowledge the birth at all? I think a text, phone call or visit to the house depending on proximity is definitely enough. I wouldn't expect anyone to be out of pocket because I had a kid.

chimpdoctor

Men or women friends? If its men friends, dont expect to get anything but a text or phone call. Women friends would be different mostly. But i wouldn't get hung up on it either way.

crusd

Id be delighted they did not send a birth card or gift. It means you dont have to do the same when they have children.

Also, unlike with a wedding I would say it would be unusual to receive cards and gifts for a birth from people who aren't close friends or family, especially when they dont have kids of their own

SharkMX

Some people dont actually care about other people having children.

Some people cant have their own children and they dont want to be fawning over someone elses as it might bring up sad feelings.

The reality is that the most important person in most peoples lives is their children. But you need to realize noone else cares about your children. Witness women talking about their own children to each other and not letting up and the woman in the group with no children looking to get away from the conversation.

What I do, and many other men and some women who ive spoken too about this is get with the program and fake fawning over their new baby, when it makes no different to my life any more than them getting new windows blinds.

Thats the reality. People dont care as much as you think they do.

rob316

My friend probably bought a house about 2 years ago, I gave them a €200 voucher as a present to buy some stuff, just been nice, its a big milestone.

I bought recently and they were over to visit to see the house, not so much as a candle he gave us.

I don't give a gift to get one back but something token back would be atleast thoughtful, annoyed me a bit.

Then I gave another friend who bought a house, a novelty mug and a candle set, fairly inexpensive. He then sent me a €250 gift card for screwfix as a house present.

Its swings and roundabout, gift giving.

manonboard

OP my 2 closest friends had babies.

I didnt even know there was a card giving situation until i read this post. I dont know of any of my friends who have sent them either.

I bought my friends some baby clothes when we met for a coffee with the new baby. People have all sorts of ways of appreciating such arrivals.

To me, clothes and cards would mean jack. I'd much prefer a couple of text message check ins, asking for pictures, asking how mommy is etc. Friendship showing up is what's important. Not the silly societal gestures. They wont keep you going on the harder days, but the supportive friendships will

amdublin

I think you should not think about gifts. Every year on baba's birthday are you going resent if they don't do something?

Ficheall

When did this become a thing?

I've never sent any of my friends cards because they'd had kids. Don't think any of them took umbrage at it either, as far as I know...

xyz13

You didn't get married, no need to throw a tantrum over a silly card.

GROW UP and be *grateful* you have a healthy child to cl your own.

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CramCycle

It's not something to get worked up about, I never done it but maybe I'd buy something the first time I meet the kid maybe I'd forget. Sometimes they don't have as much as you think but typically, they just don't notice or remember, it's not actually a thing for a lot of people.

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121517486#Comment_121517486

People need to stop buying others extravagant gifts and then getting miffed when they don't get the same in return. It's all a bit ridiculous and presumptive to be honest. I'm sure your friend didn't ask or expect a 200 euro gift voucher when they moved into their house. I'd be incredibly awkward if any of my friends had done that for us, it's over the top and creates expectations.

Hannibal_Smith

Congratulations on the baby OP. I think weddings and births are slightly different. The weddings had a definite date and time for celebrating. A birth is a bit different...while there's a definite date alright, the celebrating and marking of it goes on for a while. Also the process is a little different, you bring something when you go to see the baby, you don't send a card in the post or at least I never have, and generally people are a lot more considerate these days in waiting until the parents have found their feet before descending on them! It's lovely for people to remember and send something, mind you not every one does.

I can imagine your head is all over the place but in a few years you won't remember who gave you what when. What you will remember is who to call when you need a drink or a coffee or a break from the bedlam! So don't fall out with your mates, you'll need them.

Just as a side...you mention about the two weddings and you didn't go - albeit for understandable reasons. Do you think there's some animosity now? Are you worried that's why you've heard nothing?

Cyrus

Congratulations on the new arrival

as others have said there may be a myriad of reasons why, but i wouldnt let it bother you, this whole card and gift giving thing is an industry mostly driven by the fairer sex. If you feel like giving someone a gift to mark an occasion do, if you dont then dont but dont read into whether they reciprocate or not, people are different!

rob316

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121521230#Comment_121521230

He didnt and I didn't want or expect the same in return but even a 5 euro candle for my wife would of been grand.

YellowLead

I think it’s pointed that you felt the need to mention the fact that these couples are ‘financially comfortable’ - why would that make any difference?!

I would only give gifts to mark a child’s birth for very close friends - and I’d give it when I’d see them which would be soon after. If I’m not close enough to be visiting and meeting the new baby, then I’m not close enough to be sending gifts.

Weddings and having children are not the same thing. Maybe when you get married they will give a present, or maybe you already are and they did. I don’t think you can be really close to these couples, or they would have texted to say congrats and therefore you are expecting gifts from people you’re not that close too. You shouldn’t be counting who is giving gifts and giving gifts yourself in expectation they will be returned.

throwawayanon12

Thank you all for your responses, very much appreciated! Merry Christmas!