Has anyone been able to have a positive impact on a parent?

BalboBiggins

My mother has become very sheltered since Covid. She was a SAHM for the past 35 years so was a bit sheltered anyway but it has become more intense in the last 5 years. I'm wondering if anyone here has had any luck with a situation like this. Basically I'm trying to be as involved in her life as possible but find her tedious to be around for more than ten minutes, as she is telling me the same stories several times a week. She has no hobbies so I have considered pushing her here but don't even know where to start.

Loveinapril

Are there any local retirement groups? Have you got a family resource centre in your area? They often run social groups and activities. Ultimately, she may not want any hobbies so you may have to just accept that. I am going through something similar with my own mother at present so I empathise. I feel like she is happy wasting away, pottering around at home when she could be doing so much more. I have had to take a little step back and stop trying to parent her. It's tough.

Big Bag of Chips

How old is your mam? Has she any local friends? Would she be interested in starting a class or a group? Contact your local library. There are all sorts of free classes and groups running through the libraries.

Would there be something you could both do together at first just to get her out, then once she's involved you could leave her to it herself. Library staff are very good at recruiting members for other classes if they show interest at all!

Shoog

I have found trying to influence my mother on anything a complete waste of time. No one changes by outside influence/pressure, change always comes from internal motivation. Most people have no will to change themselves so your pressure on them will just end up as a source of conflict.

My advice is don't bother, they will never thank you for your efforts.

Ezeoul

Is she unhappy as she is?

spakman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121421236#Comment_121421236

That's a terrible outlook tbh.

You may not be able to change your parent's ways at this stage of their life, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try in case they don't thank you enough!

Subtle and gentle suggestions would be my advice. People tend to be fairly set in their ways the older they get, so wouldn't react well to being "told" to do this or that

Big Bag of Chips

Subtle and gentle suggestions would be my advice.

Exactly, something like "Hey mam, I saw a 6 week art/knitting/Irish/line dancing class starting. I'm thinking of signing up, would you come along too?"

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058324525/has-anyone-been-able-to-have-a-positive-impact-on-a-parent

If you haven't done it, I'd start by talking to your mother but would try very hard to not say anything like you finding her tedious to be around. Talking to her to give her the opportunity to say that she's lonely or sad or whatever may help her disclose something to you or to feel that you are genuinely listening and depending on how this goes, she may be more receptive to suggestions from you.

Suggestions should be framed around improving her life, not giving you relief because if she feels that shes annoying you or bothering you, then she may feel lower, and go in to a shell around you, which would be the opposite of what you are looking for.

I feel I've had success in being a positive impact on my father. He was always someone who had a tough exterior but had very low self confidence. I never discussed this with him, but found a way to do things with him or discuss things with him that gave him the opportunity to speak on something and feeling safe that he wouldn't be corrected, told he was unable to understand something or had it completely wrong. This happened over several years and started with me doing things with him (watching GAA) that he enjoyed. And me asking what did he think, rather than just answering in syllables if he said something or whatever.

At times, when there was a need to talk to him more seriously about something, how he was approaching/dealing with retirement/illness etc, we had that foundation that he would listen to me saying something because he felt we were discussing it, rather than me dictating something to him.

Could you do something with your mam outside of home to allow her to build a habit or interest in something, or even a routine in a safe manner, with someone she trusts? If so, discuss it equally before and afterwards asking her what she likes about it, would like to do around it etc etc. If successful, whether it be a book club, a seniors club, a coffee club, hiking club, etc etc etc, take the opportunity to show her how she can start building relationships with others (even just by sitting near them) without it actually seeming like something that she must do. If you guide her, you can coax her in some ways, and step back hopefully if she starts showing interest etc.

See if you can recruit siblings of hers, or friends etc to participate in this, even if you don't disclose the full details of your concerns about your mam. Most people would like to have more friends, more outlets etc etc, but also most people are nervous about seeking this out. You might be surprised how open others are to join your mam once the idea is suggested.

Shoog

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121421289#Comment_121421289

I tried all my life to positively influence my parents, and not for my own benefit. It never really works.

It's a very bad attitude to think you can change people - it's not possible to change anyone else all you can do is offer advise if asked for it.

Many relationships fail because one partner thinks they can change the other.

NIMAN

If she is telling you the same stories over and over, could she be suffering from early dementia?

Covid had a terrible effect on older people. Especially those who live alone. I noticed my own mother slowly go downhill over those years, through lack of social interaction. And that was even with us visiting on a near daily basis.

Sitting alone in a house for days and days on end must be soul destroying, let alone what physical damage it does.

I think you tend to find a lot of people when they get to a certain age don't want to take part in anything any more, just sit at home. It'll probably come to a lot of us with age. My mother used to enjoy visiting my house to see her grandkids etc, then just got to the point that she refused every time she was asked. Just lost interest.

manniot2

If others parents are anything like my own, they still think of you as a child (and im mid 30s, married with 3 kids and a decent job), and therefore have little regard for your opinion on their lives. its a waste of time trying to influence them, they have come through a harder life that we have (typically) and their mind is set.

Tell me how

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121421568#Comment_121421568

The thread title refers to 'having a positive impact', I don't think the OP is trying to fundamentally change who their mother is, but rather to find ways to improve their quality of life.

This is absolutely something that can happen when people meet or when someone within an existing relationship starts something new. Lots of people take up jogging for example because a friend wanted to start and wanted someone to go with them.

JDD

My mother is recently widowed and exactly the same - has lost contact with friends over Covid and my Dad's illness.

I was laughing with a friend the other day, saying that we should build an app where adult children of lonely parents can find other adult children of lonely parents and organise social activities and "playdates" :)

My mum loves art - painting, calligraphy, crafting etc. I have thought about signing up to a local class with her, even though I don't have an artistic bone in my body. There must be other people doing the same thing, and it least it gets her out of the house.

HildaOgdenx

It can be very hard for someone to regain confidence - that's at least partly what this is about, imo.

A loss of confidence in being out and about. It affected lots of people of all ages, after the pandemic, the lockdowns and so on.

If you can, maybe get her to the GP to rule out any health conditions.

As others have suggested, look into active retirement groups and suchlike.

You might also find some ideas in the attached.

https://www.gov.ie/en/publication/39599-social-connections-resources/

manonboard

Yeah ive had some good success through 3 different means.

Short story is that my parent is uneducated, lacking in courage to do new things, and quite victimy.

I helped her in 3 ways:

1: I left and suggested, asked, for her to read certain books i found super helpful in life. It took about 5-10 years before i seen a major difference. It happens super slowly for people. My job was not to change her, but to provide support and resources to help her change herself.

2: I engaged her as a friend rather than off spring. I talked about my life as i would to any close friend. From troubles, to successes, to sex and dating. I realised a long time ago ill never have a good friendship with my parent unless i become a good friend to her myself. That means dropping the parent/child dynamic and talking to her as an adult/woman.

3: I behind the scenes would investigate things like Womens sheds, talk to neighbours about events, brought her to some dance classes so she could explore that hobby etc. It really helped increase her joy in life, and build her confidence. It also provided places so she could interact with others.

Adults, like everyone.. are essentially the same inner child that we all were when we were younger. We have the same needs for friendship and love. We have the same fears and insecurities as we had in our teens. We also have the same ignorance as always and quite often lacked a guide/teacher for the hard parts of life. I think as a society we have lost a lot of that village/hierarchy stuff. Some good. Some bad.

My mother is a changed woman. Shes happier and more fulfilled. I didnt do it. She did the hard work and inner struggles. She found her regrets, her overly giving nature, her self sacrificing habits. She worked through them between the ages of 55 to 65. The last few years have been immensely easier for us all. She much more self serving, and she allows everyone else to be self serving too. Its great.