Between a rock & a hard place..

FitzyLee

Hi All,

I'm hoping to get some advice or perhaps opinions from people who have been in a similar situation.

Myself and my partner have been together for over 4 years. I'm 35 and live in Dublin. He is 40 and lives in a rural enough area 2.30 hours away across the border. I have an 8 year old daughter, he has an 16 year old son, both from previous relationships. Our relationship together is fantastic in almost every way. We travel to see each other every second weekend at least and more often if possible, he mostly comes to Dublin to be fair. We both own our own homes.

His son has no relationship with his mother and so is happily minded by Granny when Dad is at work, away from home etc.

The time has now come in our relationship where I can hear that biological clock ticking oh so loudly and I would absolutely love another baby. I would love for my partner and his son to come and live with me. My partner has the same desires but does not want to uproot his son from school (he has two years left) and I fully understand that. He also won't leave him there with Granny and doesn't want his son to feel he has abandoned him (like his mother). I fully understand this also.

I can't move to where he lives. I am the breadwinner currently and there would be no opportunities for employment in his local area, even with a pay cut. As mentioned his area is across the border, rural and a farming community with most employed in manual work. I feel his son would have so much more choice and opportunity available to him in Dublin in terms of college or work.

My partner has his head in the sand to an extent and isn't coming up with any suggestions or talking plainly to his son about the possibility of moving. I feel that there has to be a compromise in there somewhere. He could spend weekdays in Dublin with me and go home on the weekend or every second weekend etc. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work. The 16 year old will hopefully be off to college in two years and will probably have to leave home in any event. My fear is that the clock is ticking and by the time my partner is 'ready' to move in with me it may too late.

Whilst I am very grateful for my daughter, I can't help but feel totally devastated at the thought of not having another child. I'm at the stage now where I don't know whether to freeze my eggs but also don't want to be in my mid 40s by the time I get to use them, if ever. I don't know whether to sacrifice the relationship in order to go it alone with a sperm donor. Do I have to decide between my partner and a sibling for my daughter? I also don't know whether I should just be thankful for my daughter and be happy with my lot, knowing that we will have still have a great relationship when the kids are grown up. I don't want to end up resenting him for this either.

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place and would really appreciate any insight. Thanks.

Big Bag of Chips

He could spend weekdays in Dublin with me and go home on the weekend or every second weekend etc. I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

Are you talking about your partner, or his son here? I can't imagine that your partner will move without his son, and moving school in leaving cert cycle is probably not the best decision, especially if his son doesn't go to an Irish school with the Irish curriculum.

Do you need your partner to be living with you in order to have a baby with him? If it's looking likely that he will be able to move in 2 years (does he want to?) then you could start trying to conceive now, by the time you get pregnant and actually have the baby you're down to at the most 1 year before he can move. You'll be on maternity leave too so will have time at home for upto 6 months, or more if you use unpaid leave. You can carry on as you are, seeing each other at the weekends, until such a time that you can move in together.

If you (both?) really want a child you can make it work and fit around his son's current situation.

It doesn't have to be him a choice between him moving in with you now or no baby. A little bit of lateral thinking will make this possible if it's what you both really want.

ElizaBennett

The target of two years' time seems to be the sensible approach here. The son will be going to college, finished school in any case and his friends spreading out to different places anyway. Do you feel you can wait two years, biologically speaking? Or do as BBoC suggests and start trying before the two year timeframe, but with a view to all living together at that point.

Only you can decide if the relationship is worth more than the chance to have another baby (probably on your own.) Being realistic, you'll also be making it far harder for yourself to meet someone else in the future, as you'll be busy being the mother of a young child for a few years at least and will possibly end up single for a considerable time. Will you be okay with this?

If your partner is amenable to discussing a medium term definite plan, I'd go with that approach. It would give both him and his son plenty of time to get used to the idea of the new arrangement and smooth out any issues or questions in good time. On the plus side you have your own home and I agree with you that coming to Dublin might give the son loads more options than he'd have in a rural place (unless he actually wants to be a farmer or work in that sector.)

HazeDoll

Has your partner clearly said that he wants you to have a baby together? Do you have more concrete evidence of his desire for a baby than vaguely positive "Maybe some day," or your own optimistic reading-between-the-lines interpretations?

I think a lot of the time people hear what they want to hear then they're surprised when the actions of others aren't in line with that.

I might be alone in thinking this but after four years of living 2hrs 30mins away and seeing each other every second weekend I would be wondering if I was in a relationship at all. I would definitely want to live with someone and spend proper time together before even considering having a baby together.

Sonic the Shaghog

Couple of quicks questions.

Does your partner want a child?

What's his work story, does he have a farm? Whats his plan for it if he moves?

HazeDoll

I just re-read your post and noticed that you said you're the breadwinner. Do you mean you're supporting him financially? If so, this is even stranger than it appears. If a friend of mine was sharing a paycheque with somebody who lives across an international border, who they don't even see every weekend and who has shown no inclination to move closer to them, I would sit them down and have a very difficult conversation.

FitzyLee

Thanks all for the comments so far. To address some of the questions:

When I said "He could spend weekdays in Dublin with me and go home on the weekend or every second weekend etc." I meant my partner, if his son were to stay living with Granny. (Whether Granny would approve of that or not I don't know!)

Partner works in construction/HGV driving - he can easily get a similar job anywhere and probably earn more in ROI from what I've researched. I earn more but my job is corporate, a bit more niche and can really only be done in Dublin. Certainly not supporting him financially!

Other than the fact that my partner's son in still in school there isn't much to keep them there, just Granny really. Partner has said if it weren't for the young lad he would have moved down years ago.

HazeDoll, you're right, the long distance can be incredible lonely at times and I'm still pretty much a single parent. The chance to miss each other is oddly kinda nice and I'm kept busy, but it's still hard. We do holiday together both here, there and abroad for a week or two at a time but still, it's not ideal.

I think you have fair points BBoC & ElizaBennett. I think if we really wanted to make it happen we could - even if in a year or two's time. I think I need to get some level of commitment though and clear discussions need to be had with the 16 year old about the future. I certainly don't expect him to up and leave school but if there was an agreement for the young lad to go to college here then at least that would be something concrete and a bit of light at the end of the tunnel.. here's hoping..

Big Bag of Chips

You can't ask the young lad to agree to go to college in Dublin! He might want to go to Cork, Galway, Scotland. You also cannot ask your partner to move down full-time and leave his 16 year old son in the full-time care of his grandmother. That's not fair, and I would hope your partner wouldn't even entertain the idea.

Think of it from the 16 year olds point of view. His mother is nowhere to be seen and his father ups and leaves to go start a new family leaving him behind with his grandmother. I'm afraid you should not even suggest it as an option.

Your partner is a single father to his son. Same as you are a single mother to your daughter. Would you move away leaving her with your parents and be happy with going back every weekend, or every second weekend?

89897

You say your partner staying where he is is just the sons school like its not important. The most important thing for the kids momentum and future right now is to not be moved away from school and have his life completely up rooted.

As other posters have said, if you really wanted to make it happen you can. I the grand scheme of things 2 years is nothing. A really important conversation needs to be had but you have to see his sons importance in this.

ThreeGreens

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121350849#Comment_121350849

Exactly what they said.

To me you come across as having no one's interest at heart other than your own. I appreciate that written text misses a lot of nuisance and that might be unfair. But you do talk about wanting another baby rather than about wanting to be with your partner. You are looking for compromises from another person's child and asking them to change from a NI school to a ROI school just as they are studying their final examinations. You're asking him to up root and leave all his friends and start a new circulicum so that you can have a baby.

That doesn't seem like a fair request to me. Especially when you're not willing to move yourself. (His arguments for not moving are just as valid if not more valid that your own).

From the father perspective, you should be very clear about what he wants. Personally I would never consider having a baby with someone that I hadn't lived with for a least a couple of years. Again, I don't think that would be very considerate of the future child, who would run the very big risk of coming from a broken home where the parents split up when they were just an infant or toddler.

Ezeoul

Has your partner even said he would like another child?

I think you're hoping his son will be independant of his father at 18, but parenting doesn't stop at 18.

I also wouldn't underestimate that there isn't much keeping them there.

There is his child's grandmother, who has obviously had a big part in helping raise his son.

HazeDoll

"The chance to miss each other is oddly kinda nice and I'm kept busy, but it's still hard. We do holiday together both here, there and abroad for a week or two at a time but still, it's not ideal."

Live with him first. Don't even consider having a baby with this man until you have lived with him. You're caught in an extended honeymoon period, where you always know that you will only be together for a weekend, a long weekend or the duration of the holiday. What makes relationships difficult is the daily, boring, niggling, trivial annoyances and the dawning realisation that you will be putting up with them forever. You don't want to be raising a toddler together when you discover that having him in the house full time is too hard to endure.

YellowLead

It’s hard to believe anyone would ask a single parent to abandon their child so they could have another. That sounds harsh but that’s effectively what you are doing if you ask that and the alternative of uprooting the teenager is just as bad.

How long have you had these longings for another child? What did you think was going to happen when you started dating somebody who lived far away and was tied down by family? Did you assume he’d uproot everything for you?

Does he want another child? If he does you could work something out where he visits you some of the time but you’d have to be okay with doing the lions share of the work. Or would you go ahead and do it alone, continuing the relationship as is but you become a mother independent of him.

As somebody else mentioned, living with somebody is a whole different ball game and things might change if you did that. Now you only get to see the good parts of each other and the best behaviour, it’s more exciting and the time is quality time. The daily grind is the real test.

amdublin

Have a baby and continue as you are doing long distance?

Augme

I am willing to do whatever it takes to make it work.

Couldn't help but chuckle at this line. From your OP it sounds like you actually aren't really willing to do anything and expect your partner/son to do everything to accommodate what you want. Have you considered remote working? Given the availability of remote roles seems strange you haven't considered this if you really were willing to do whatever it takes.

Big Bag of Chips

If you're thinking of going the sperm donor route then it might be the best option. It does sound like you want a baby, and you'd like him to be the father, but if he's not you're happy to go it alone. I think you need to have an honest chat with him. He has a 16 year old. His child is almost ready to fly the nest. Does he really want to start all over again?

He doesn't seem all that enthusiastic about the prospect of moving and doesn't seem to want to bring it up with his son. You talk about doing anything and there must be a compromise, but you are steadfast in your decision that they are the ones who need to uproot themselves and move. Where's your compromise?

Is life cheaper where he is? Could you move there and take time off from your work? You'd be on maternity leave anyway. Rent out your house. Your child is at a much easier age to change school than the 16 year old. If you didn't need Dublin living wages you might find living in his area much nicer. Also there are remote working options. Surely there's a large town/city within an hour commute where you would find better paying work.

You need to realistically accept that he is not in a position, at the moment, to move to Dublin. He may not even want to move to Dublin. So you need to look at what you are actually willing to do, when you say you'll do anything.

marilynrr

My partner has his head in the sand to an extent and isn't coming up with any suggestions or talking plainly to his son about the possibility of moving. I feel that there has to be a compromise in there somewhere. He could spend weekdays in Dublin with me and go home on the weekend or every second weekend etc.

I'm stunned that you think that that is a reasonable request or fair compromise and that you would want to have a baby with a man who would leave his child with granny so that he could live with you.

Is his son a good student? This was in the news recently https://www.irishnews.com/news/northernirelandnews/2023/09/17/news/republic_s_university_entry_requirements_disadvantage_northern_students_-_study-3619120/

You should absolutely sit down to talk about the future and he should talk to his son about what he wants to do after school, but the son could easily change his mind next year too.

The 16 year old will hopefully be off to college in two years and will probably have to leave home in any event.

Why do you think he will probably have to leave home?

lmk123

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058321825/between-a-rock-a-hard-place

Why should he move to Dublin. You seem to take it for granted that he should have to accommodate you. If you seriously want another child and want to make it work why not both of you move half way, you could still keep your job and he possibly could also. You say that you can’t move because you’re the breadwinner, Ah so is he. You’re expecting him to move and uproot his son even though you acknowledge the difficulties the lad already had with his mother etc. and ye haven’t even lived together. Maybe, just maybe his sons life is more important to him than your job.

Mellor

Uprooting the kids at 16, with a year or two left to go in school is pretty selfish.

If you both want to have a baby now, theres nothing stopping you. If you aren't willing to do it apart, then you have to wait.

The will be off to work or college in two year, not sure where you have gotten the idea this means he'll be out on his ear. Again kinda selfish.

Purple Mountain

How about you move to NI to your partner and his son and leave your daughter with your own mother and come back to Dublin every weekend to visit her?

See, how you recoiled to that statement, OP?

That's exactly how it sounds when you suggest the reversal for your partner and his boy.

Your partner might think and say that if he had no son, he'd have moved to Dublin by now.

But he has a son. The son was already abandoned by his mother. You're not your partner's priority. His son is same as your daughter is your priority.

Sonic the Shaghog

You want the man to move down and leave a 16 year old child with his gran and only pop back the weekend or every 2nd weekend, are you actually serious?

You sound totally self absorbed, all talk about compromise but it's basically him and especially his son that's going to be making all the compromise to fit yourself.

I mean honestly, I'd run at the thought of shacking up with, let alone having a child with any woman that would leave her child with a family member so she could move to me and only see them every 2nd weekend!

Not only that this "there isn't much to keep them there only granny" you do realize this young lad is most likely massively attached to his gran and might not want to leave her either?

Another thing too, yes once he's 18 and in college he'll be an "adult" but the world has changed and looks like staying this way for a while yet. He'll have plenty more raising and probably at the very least living with his son to do so the young lad hitting 18 isn't gonna be the light at the end of the tunnel you think it is.

I'll be honest, you need to have serious words with yourself, all sense of reason seems to be gone from this situation.

Sunny Disposition

You can’t seriously think him moving in with you and leaving his son in the North is a possibility?