What do you do when you've lost your soul mate?

reallyupset2023

I've lost my  soul mate, partner and best friend and the person I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with. We had so many good things going  together but it ended badly. It's  heartbreaking and such a waste as I feel like it could be resolved if we met half way and talked instead of me just getting blamed for everything.  Despite all that  I still love them and miss them. I dont want to go into more detail but just needed to vent a bit and wonder where I go now I no longer have my soul mate.

FishOnABike

You will need time to grieve and move on.

There's over eight billion people in the world, there's someone else out there you can be happy with.

reallyupset2023

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121327937#Comment_121327937

Am male. Thanks for the advice, not sure about dating apps but maybe movies is the way to go

Goodigal

Sorry to hear that. Only thing you can do is take one day at a time, keep yourself busy and try not to reach out to them. It takes a long time to get over real heartbreak. Be kind to yourself.

StevenToast

Enjoy being by yourself.

Its a beautiful thing if you just let yourself appreciate it.

Facthunt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121328012#Comment_121328012

Have you got any hobbies that could distract you and allow you meet people? Hiking club maybe? Parkrun? Bingo? Even classes like Yoga, Dancing etc ….. I’m just throwing it out there as I don’t know age bracket you fit into!

Try focus away from pubs maybe at this stage if you are still feeling down as unfortunately alcohol can act as an antidepressant!

Tell me how

Not sure if this is a first heartbreak, or the end of what was a significant relationship. The difference does matter. To some degree. It matters in that the first heartbreak can feel like we will never be happy again after it, and yet, the vast majority of people do recover and find new partners and happiness again. The end of a more long term or significant relationship can indeed indicate the loss of something which we will have to hold with us going forward.

But the responses to either situation contain some of the same recommendations. Don't allow yourself to dwell on it any more than is appropriate. Tell yourself that you can be happy again. When the time comes, assess the relationship truthfully and identify traits in your former partner you would like to find in a new one and also (this can be difficult) consider if your behavior led to the breakup and if so, if changing this behavior is something which you want to do or could do without undermining who you are as an individual.

Aside from that, try to stay away from potential harmful behaviours such as finding solace in drink etc or jumping straight in to a new relationship which isn't right for you right now.

99% of the people who read your post have felt similar at some point, 99% of those have found happiness again.

@reallyupset2023

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058321179/what-do-you-do-when-youve-lost-your-soul-mate

@reallyupset2023

IMHO - Life’s short.

You call this person your soulmate. Sounds like you love them very deeply and care for them.

Reach out and talk to them.

No nonsense. No mind games. No ego. Just be honest and direct. Don’t pussy foot around it because not everyone can read between the lines.

Talk. See if there’s anything still there. See if you can work it out. You say you feel you were blamed for everything? Why is that? Is that accurate? Did you cheat or behave badly? Why would you feel that way unless there was something to feel bad about?

How do you know the other person doesnt feel the same? After a break up, both people can have their defences up and emotions can run high. People can walk around in love with their ex for years. Even if they have “moved on”. It boggles my mind if both are in love with eachother, why can’t they just work it out? Of course, you have to have two willing adults come to the table with good intentions and without wanting to get one up on the other or do a tit for tat to get revenge post break up. You and they have to genuinely want to talk.

Dont play games or walk away without trying.

Ring or call to them. Make this a priority. Look to meet in a neutral space. Talk it out.

If you don’t try or say how you feel in plain English, you will never know and you could lose the love of your life.

Is talking to them an option? Sorry I know you don’t want to get into too much detail.

Sometimes you have to be brave. At least you would know you gave it 100% and tried. Then at least you will know there’s no more you could have done.

Seems like a shame. Can you really imagine the rest of your life without them ?

sniperman

something similar happened to me about 2 years ago after 35 years,im on my own since and love it,my only regret is it didn't happen sooner,im really enjoying life now

And OP - edit ** like above posters have said, enjoy being you and give yourself time, try not to get involved with anyone else while you are still in love and torn up. Pending on how long your last relationship was, give yourself time.

Involving someone else too quickly can complicate things and would probably confirm to the other party that you were never “into them” or cared for them and rather than getting that jealously effect you’re hoping for, you may end up in a situation where the other person will completely withdraw from you and decline any engagement in conversation so be careful but not only that - a short term plaster or dopamine hit of validation and that “newness” of a new relationship can often be short lived and leave you feeling worse. Plus, It may leave your ex with a more distorted view of you and turn them off completely so be careful. Also, it’s just cruel to the new partner who doesn’t deserve to be used to get over someone else. No one wants to be in a new relationship with someone who is in love with someone else.

1. Try and talk to your soulmate and work it out. Be brave and give it a try.
2. if you don’t work it out or are met with resistance or the other won’t come to the table - accept it and mind yourself.
3. Spend time on your own. Don’t avoid the heartbreak, go through it. You will come out the other side eventually.

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note - Some posts deleted.

As per the charter: Personal Issues is an advice forum. 

Posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies. 

If unfamiliar with the charter, please read it before posting. 

Thanks

Hilda

FishOnABike

Was the relationship the one of soul mates you think or are you still looking at it through rose tinted glasses. If you are being blamed for everything was it really the relationship you think it was? If you think the relationship is worth trying to save, try, but if it is over don't get stuck in the past.

If it is over it will take time to accept, grieve and move on but you will. We are the sum of our experiences, learn and live better.

YellowLead

You might have been more in love with the idea of the relationship than the relationship itself.

As others have pointed out - if you were getting blamed for everything and the other person wouldn’t communicate properly - why do you put them on such a pedestal???

Also, it’s not really healthy to think of somebody as your soul mate / best friend. One person should never be your whole world. You need to learn to stand on your own two feet and have somebody as an enhancement to your life, not your whole raison d’etre.

I know this is a hard time. Feel sad. But don’t allow yourself to wallow in only the good times. Anger is a stage of grief - don’t push that away lean into it and focus on how they treated you. Too many people say ‘oh this person was so amazing, except when they were behaving like and asshole/bitch’. Wake up and smell the coffee - somebody’s behaviour IS who they are. You’ll be okay in time, but you’ll have to help yourself get there.

thefa

In reality, there’s a lot more soulmates out there than stories or some couples would have us believe. Take your time and start doing more things with your time for you. Some people are mad to get back on the horse but the opposite can be just as, if not more, beneficial.

I would advise against going backwards. Things ended for valid reasons by the sounds of it including the blame being placed on you consistently and she would be very unlikely to change if things were rekindled.

Resist messaging her and delete/block from social media. It might be tougher but is for the better.

Apiarist

It depends. Some people remember their soulmates forever and think about them every day.

Interviewed for The Times shortly before his death, Richard Feynman was asked what he was most proud of in his life, and he replied: “That I was able to love my first wife with as deep a love as I was able to.” His wife Arlene died 3 years after their marriage while Feynman was still a student of physics. He later went to have a very successful career, received a Nobel prize in Physics, and had three children in a new family. And yet he never forgot his first love.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121329712#Comment_121329712

Tbh, (unless your both teenagers) I’d find it very hard to believe someone was blaming the other consistently without valid reason? Hence why I asked did he cheat, did he treat her badly or disrespectfully, what were the weeks like leading up to the break up…. It’s so easy to say “oh my soulmate/love of my life” but did you realise how much they meant to you during the relationship or afterwards when it was too late and they ended it? Again, you don’t have to answer back but these are valid questions to ask yourself so you are more self aware. One thing I do know is a person doesn't break up with the other unless there is a valid reason to. And it’s never out of the blue. It can be trucking down the tracks months or weeks before the decision is made. You need to reflect on your part in it. And so does your ex.

Obviously the OP doesn’t have to answer the specifics if he doesn’t want to but I find it is an extremely odd thing to say. Did she actually blame him or is that his perception of the situation because he in fact feels guilty or is it he views the no contact as a reflection of himself? I don’t know.

I just think reaching out, meeting up and having a civilised mature conversation in person about what happened and why would help the OP. And if she refuses, he can confidently walk away knowing he did everything he could and have closure he needs then.

You will spend the rest of your life wondering “what if “ if you don’t try.

Hannibal_Smith

It will pass. A break up is a loss, but sometimes it's a necessary loss. You have an idea she was your soul mate, but you say it ended badly and you were being blamed for everything. Life is too short and that's not what a soul mate is. It'll be difficult in the short term but worth it in the long term. Distraction and getting back to yourself by doing things you enjoy is key. You'll get there.

ElizaBennett

You have my sympathy, OP, from someone going through similar. It's extremely painful to miss someone who was such a part of your life and there's no way around the suffering, it just has to be gone through. A lot of people have made useful suggestions here and they're all important. Take time to grieve, busy yourself with things you like that take up headspace, wallow some of the time but not all the time, talk to people who are kind and will listen. I also do some journaling as it saves boring people I know all the time and it's very therapeutic.

By all means use the anger too as that can help at times but I've found there are two very separate aspects to this. Yes you have to accept it's over if the other person wants that or you know for certain that it's for the best. You can focus all you want on the negatives of the relationship and even write lists about them. But that's all completely separate to the pain of the loss you're feeling. Even if you know she wasn't really right for you in the end, you can still go through hell missing her. I have to say that cutting off contact is essential. And changing sm settings so you don't see her online etc. I only started to heal when I did that as I was obsessively thinking about what he might be doing all day when I saw him online, eg knowing when he might be in work or at home or busy or bored etc. It does absolutely no good to go there. It was a huge relief not to have to think about that stuff anymore and to just have no awareness of where he might be or what he might be doing. Do yourself a favour and block out as much as you possibly can. Go old school. In the past when people broke up then just didn't know what the other was doing and it was definitely better for the healing process.

You haven't given much information and some people have suggested you go back and talk to her to make sure there's no chance of rekindling etc. You may not have any choice in that anyway if she ended it. I do think there's a huge difference between a break up after a relatively short relationship between young people and the end of a significant relationship over 40. You just think more about your life and mortality and your possible future when you're a bit older and it adds another layer of pain to the whole thing unfortunately. But you just need time. Try to plan something lovely for yourself to look forward to.

Loughc

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058321179/what-do-you-do-when-youve-lost-your-soul-mate

Firstly OP sorry this happened to you, breakups are rough especially if it felt unexpected at your end.

While it seems rough now you will get through this and over time you will learn this wasn't the one for you. Sometimes it's not the person you miss but the comfortably of the relationship, it's a safe cocoon.

Work on yourself, spend time on yourself, do things for you, that you want to do. Watch what you like to watch, go for a walk, the gym, out with friends, etc etc. Find the old you again, once you are truly happy in yourself you'll be ready to move on.

If I was you, I'd go cold turkey and avoid your ex, no contact, it will hurt at first almost like withdrawal symptoms but it'd be for the best, more often than not the other person has long checked out before they get to a breakup stage.

WildWestVikingWoman

I lost my soul mate in May. It was among the hardest times in my life. Its still very difficult and now especially at this time of year and I miss him every day. I'm not saying these things will work for you but it will be dealing with things on a day by day basis- walks, being outside, nature & animals keeping busy with jobs around the house that you might have been putting off. No contact is good is you can do it, you will see things as they clearly are/ were... maybe not so great and after a while it will hurt a little less x

LilacNails

So sorry to hear this op.

Great advice above, I would also like to add, expect tough hard days, even weeks to come. I dont mean to scare you, but they are ahead.....allow and accept these times. Its not easy but important to. Over time they will lessen, and things will feel ok again.

Look after yourself, u will be ok. X

reallyupset2023

Just an update. Thanks everyone for the advice. I'm afraid it didn't work out. I tried to talk to her but it went nowhere as she had no interest in resolving it and I just got another rundown of how everything was my fault with no acceptance that she may have contributed to our problems. I haven't replied here for a while as I wanted to try to forget about it but Christmas was really tough as I still miss her and her kids. I'm in my 40s and had planned to spend the rest of my life with her and yes we had some issues but as far as I was concerned they could have been resolved. Thanks again all for advice and some messages. Happy Christmas all

daveluzbo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121538347#Comment_121538347

Happy Christmas.

It sucks mate, but life goes on.

Focus on yourself, start the gym and/or get fit. Perfect time to do so.

Get off social media for a while, if not forever. Have no way to contact her, so look at deleting any way of contacting her.

Focus on your hobbies and career. Look at saving money and look into breaks away to Eastern Europe, SE Asia, Central and South America.

reallyupset2023

Thanks for the advice and suggestions. I've been using the last few days to reflect and think about things I could have done better and listening to and watching podcasts and videos on relationships and also on a few things I need to work on myself that caused issues in the relationship. While this has been tough  I'm going to use it to make myself a better person and also learn how to not to make the same relationship mistakes again. I've also started reconnecting with friends, doing a bit of diy and exercising more, things I always struggled to get time to do for the last few years. Thanks everyone else again for the support and advice and happy new year to everyone .

TheadoreT

OP don't give up your friends and passions for any relationship. The reality is the person probably liked you for those things to begin with, as having a busy life is attractive. By the sounds of that last message you put them all aside for her. If you become a different person to appease another person, they'll eventually lose respect for you.

Muinteoir2018

Just wanted to say. Going through the same scenario at the minute and it's so tough. I can totally empathise. I hope the road ahead becomes easier.

freedom2024

It sounds like she might have wanted you to self-reflect and work on yourself all along while you were in the relationship to make things work with her. Sometimes people don't realise what they had until it's too late and it is very sad but it sounds like she felt that the problems that you had were insurmountable and felt she had to end things with you because of that.

reallyupset2023

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121554734#Comment_121554734

Yeah I put a lot aside. I haven't really had any time to myself since lockdown. For the last few years I was juggling my relstionship, work, my own family and friends and generally going non stop. It's good to have time to reflect and the videos and podcasts I listened to were eye opening. I identified a lot of things that caused issues and not on all my side. There are still things I miss, cuddling in bed, cooking together, family dinners, travel adventures and discovering new foods but there were a lot of things that happened regularly I don't miss. I've gone back getting fit, doing major house repairs that I hadn't time to do for years, making delicious healthy meals and travelling again. Life must go on

Idbatterim

definitely look and learn from your behaviours but equally learn and realise, what you do not like in a partner, these may be warning signs early on in future relationships, that you can then avoid...

Hannibal_Smith

I'm going to lock this one OP as you seem to have resolved it by making efforts to move on.

Thanks to all who offered advice

HS