Exposing a cheater

So I know I'm going to get a lot of abuse and that I deserve what I've gotten from this but if anyone has been in a similar situation I'd love to hear if anyone has advice on the next steps for me.

So I met this woman last year. We were both in relationships at the time and we kissed the first night that we met. I ended my relationship quite soon after this. Not for this woman but I knew at that point that the relationship was dead and was better to let her go.

From this point the relationship with the woman that I met intensified were we were seeing each other quite regularly then we seen each other every day. Feelings quickly developed and it turned into a full blown affair. Nights out, weekends away etc.

There was constant promises that we were going to be together properly but something would always come up when the time got close. I loved her and she said that she loved me. Talking about the future and making plans. But nothing ever materialized. I know I've been extremely naive with this.

She became very cold towards me and has ended whatever it was that we had. She's cast me to the side and acting like the year long relationship has never happened.

I know I deserve it but I'm extremely hurt and bitter about how this has ended and I am the only one that got hurt from this.

Is there a benefit of telling her partner what has been going on? I feel like she's getting away scot free after all the false promises made over the year. I feel like she may come back to me when she has thawed out a bit but I don't want that anymore and I feel like telling her partner is the only way to close this for good.

I understand that people are going to be disgusted with me on here with this but I'd appreciate your thoughts on this.

bassy

Just forget it and HER ........ ..

ghostfacekilla

One of the things humans often do when feeling pain, is to try and inflict a similar pain onto whoever they feel caused it. However, the person you were in a relationship with didn't cause this pain. Your expectations did. Most likely the woman you cheated on felt the pain you are feeling now, and had the good character not to attempt to try and childishly crucify you, like you are tempted to do with your most recent ex. Admit that it's over, let the people in your past get on with their lives, and procure the services of a therapist. Posting on boards.ie won't give you the answers that therapy will. It will help you recognise patterns of poor choices in relationships and help you avoid the same pitfalls in future if you are open to changing and being less selfish and less intent on hurting others for your own gain. Apologies if this is a bit brutal, but sometimes people need to be told the truth.

TheadoreT

All women would turn cold on you the way you're behaving here, assume its a regular enough occurance for you and why you cheated in the first place. You need a complete mentality shift if you want to be more successful. Talking about your future all time is the best way of not being in a woman's future.

And don't expose her to her husband, you won't get the closure you think you will. And she hasn't got away scot free, she's clearly as miserable and unhappy as you are in life, that's no win on any level.

bucketybuck

Its best to move on, there are plenty more married women out there you could get involved with.

But if your concern is not to be the only one hurt, why not just tell your own ex that you were cheating on her? It would achieve the same thing, you get to talk about what you did and make somebody else feel pain too. It would fulfil your objective of exposing a cheater quite well.

It would be a petty and nasty thing to do to your ex, but no different to what you want to do to your mistresss.

iniscealtra

You’re hurt and you want to lash out. This is not good. Let the woman get on with her own life and move on yourself. Think about your own choices. As other posters have said look inwards and learn from this.

Caranica

It takes two to tango! You're not an innocent party here. Move on, block her number and socials and stay out of her marriage.

Tell me how

For the love of God forget her and get on with your life.

You're literally asking people on the internet to justify you inflicting pain on two people because of your pain.

Hannibal_Smith

Is there a benefit of telling her partner what has been going on? 

What benefit do you think there might be?

How do you know her partner didn't already find out, which is the reason why she ended it with you?

You knew it was an affair, there was no secret from her about that. If you got too invested in a relationship that was on the side that's something for you to deal with. I don't see how being spiteful will cure that feeling.

Big Bag of Chips

There's every chance her partner discovered her cheating. People who have affairs are rarely as discrete as they think they are.

Just move on. Keep your dignity. If you go after him, or her, it will not turn out how you imagine it. You will be made to feel even worse than you do now. Walk away and don't look back.

Maybe counselling for why you invested so much in a 'relationship' that wasn't going anywhere might be beneficial to you in avoiding similar in the future.

YellowLead

She didn’t do this to you, you did this to yourself. So if you want to inflict pain on somebody - do it to yourself! Time for some introspection and thoughts about what kind of person you want to be. People make mistakes. Learn from them and move on with a bit of dignity rather than stirring drama

jj880

You both started off on an equal footing. She has decided to carry on with her previous relationship. Could have easily been the other way round. I vote for dont get involved. Her partner will catch her eventually. You may think you know this woman but you don't know how she will react if you blow her life up. Move on.

thefa

Sometimes I’m a bit wary of users with very low post counts practically seeking criticism as being wind ups so looked at your other posts. Sound like you’ve been in the wars in the last 4/5 years on the relationship front but exposing this woman is not the answer. Agree with the poster above that a few sessions with a professional could be beneficial.

nachouser

You could also be putting the woman in harms way. So yeah, don't do that.

gmisk

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058317927/exposing-a-cheater

Karma

nonyabidness23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058317927/exposing-a-cheater

We'll for one your actions from the start were under handed and cowardly and by all accounts you got what you deserved, nothing.

Be man now own your actions tell her partner the truth, and own your own actions and apologies and take what you get.

The only victim in all this is the poor lad that's left with that "woman".

I disagree with most other on here covering for lies with lies i more favor the route of upfront honesty and total accountability.

As the only one that gains from those lies are those did wrong and its completely at the expense of the person that did nothing wrong.

spaceHopper

You were f*cking his partner and now you want to twist the knife. No don't tell him. No good can come of it and you are doing it for purely selfish reasons.

You need to find away to move on by yourself.

Calahonda52

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121232071#Comment_121232071

Not just her but the OP could find himself in the deep stuff as the assumption being made is that he will say:

"Thank you for sharing"

Colin /Hazel or a variation spring to mind.

Move on

Post title should be a cheater exposing a cheater

Donald Trump

What about the alternative perspective that the man being cheated on might actually be better off knowing his missus is a cheater?

nonyabidness23

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121232393#Comment_121232393

You would think that would be the best outcome, i mean if it was me i d be damn glad to know anyway a far worse faith would be staying faithful to a cheater.

Apparently maintaining the status quo and letting the victim suffer for the cheaters safety and comfort is the priority on here in alot of these threads i find it alarming!

Big Bag of Chips

@nonyabidness23 and @Donald Trump Personal Issues is an advice forum. It is not a forum for general discussion. Posters are expected to offer advice to the OP when posting. If you want a general discussion on the topic please feel free to start a thread in a more suitable forum.

Thanks.

POBox19

So you created pain for the woman you dumped so that you could get off with this one. Now she's dumped you and you feel sore, well too bad, as you sow so shall you reap. Going to her current partner as a little tell tale is only going to cause more pain and no gain for you at all, she won't come back to you if you did that. Leave them alone, move on and forget about her just like you did a year ago.

AyeGer

You got involved with a married woman and got hurt, she has been cheating on her husband. I would have no sympathy for her if you let her husband know. If they have no children I’d say tell him.

The only one out of this situation I feel for is the husband.

Tork

I get the impression that you're hoping to provoke some sort of dramatic finale to this story. I bet you've got visions of epic rows, slamming doors, tears, suitcases, shouting and all sorts of drama doing laps in your brain. But what if you tell her partner and you don't get the response you want? I get the sense you'd be left disappointed if your big bombshell was treated with indifference or silence. There's every chance he already knows or suspects the affair. This may not be the big reveal you think it is. If they block you and you hear no more about what happened next, that's going to eat at you in a different way.

darragh o meara

Honestly the best thing you can do is just put it behind you and move on. I know.... It will end up consuming you and the outcome you have in your mind will not be what happens in reality.

Karma has a great way of dealing with people like this, might take a while but it will come I assure you..

Hannibal_Smith

Given the OP has closed their account I'll close the thread.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to offer advice.

HS