My Family Fell Apart

ARandomGuy

So, a bit of a long winded one, but I wanted to get this off my chest and see what other people thought of the situation...

So, my mother passed away (I won't state dates etc) at that time my sister was living with her in our family home with her 3 kids and husband.

Se was living there for 2 reasons, 1 was convenience for her, 2 was to "look after mum" Id like to point out she has never lived anywhere else, never paid rent, all bills paid by mum. My mother while she had her health issues was reasonably self sufficient, only in the last year of her life did she need care which my brother myself and sister shared.

When my mother passed, and we were consoling each other I remember my sister say "we really have to stick together" which considering the circumstances I found a strange comment. I mean of course we will, especially now.

The funeral came and went, we all did what we needed to, and once the dust settled, the reality of my sister came to light with a bang.

Within 3 weeks of the funeral, she kicked her husband out of the house claiming he was an abusive bastard, never once showed any signs of issues between them, just one day snapped and threw him out. No counselling or therapy. No working on it... We of course took her side and tried to help, but things never added up. My brother in law is (in my opinion) a good man, having lived with my mum for 14 years he has never been anything other than kind and caring to both my mum and sister as well as his kids.

She changed the locks and turned her back, and then set her sights at the rest of us, cutting us out of her life one by one, no reasons no excuses, just cut ties.

Within 6 months of the breakup her husband had a serious stroke and ended up in rehab for 11 weeks.

Now this is where it gets interesting!

My brother was executor of the will, and went about organising my mums last wishes. Rang the solicitor only to be told he was no longer the executor. That my sister was the new executor. He asked when did this change occur, and was told 2018. That the will had been amended and the executor changed. Funny and sad thing is that in 2018 my mother was in hospital for dementia and Alzheimers protocols. And was not at her full mental capacity.

Stunned and saddened by this he told me. We tried to contact my sister only to be stonewalled and told she was sorting it.

8 months pass, no communication with the sister only to ask for updates on the will (only to be told I have more important things to be doing)

So with no will being sorted we contacted the solicitor in writing asking for a copy of the will to be sent out to us. Which he duly did.

My sister was not happy with this, but yet again we did not get into a confrontation about it, and like every other issue, we stayed silent swallowed hard and dealt with it.

When my mothers will came to my home I read it, alone In the kitchen. And to be honest it upset me a lot. We knew there was nothing to gain from the will. A decision was made years ago that my sister would get the house (mortgagee free) Valued at approx €450k and that a nominal sum would be paid by my sister to us in the region of 20k each. We never discussed or argued this inheritance (we are both married with our own homes so we have made our own lives)

But when we read the will it very simply said, I leave the balance of the bank account to my 2 sons, and the rest of my estate to my sister. End of.

No mention of grandkids just those 2 simple lines. It turns out that the day my mother was brought back to the house to be waked, my sister went with my mothers bank card to the atm and withdrew the balance, and proceeded to withdraw till the account was fully overdrawn to the tune of €3,000

To make it very clear, we have never discussed this with my sister, never shouted, roared or fell out with her. She ran and hide from us.

We are now 3 years down the line, she has since gotten engaged to her ex husbands first cousin and recently welcomed a new baby into the world (we only know this from Facebook!)

Her ex husband is now fighting for access to the kids as my sister is refusing to let him see them and making him go through the courts.

Im bothered and upset, as my sister has told anyone that will listen how bad we have treated her and how money hungry we were, she has told family members and friends that we were sueing her and dragging her through the courts. Which is entirely false and we have not even contested the will, not to mention get a solicitor involved.

Im sad, and frustrated and just needed to vocalise the situation and maybe get some feedback from strangers on the internet. Am I missing something... Have we done something wrong in all this or has this been a well executed plan by my sister to take it all and act the victim!

Cheers for reading if you got this far!

Dial Hard

Quite simply, your sister is a scheming bitch and should have been taken to task years ago. She has successfully disinherited you and your brother and you're wondering if you're the ones at fault?

I'd be contesting that will, 100%.

ARandomGuy

Ohhh we are well aware of this and appreciate you confirming it! To be honest, I wouldn't drag my mums memory through the courts contesting the will for a lousy €20k... Ill keep my head held high and my mums memory in tact and respected.

But yes, she is everything you said and more! To be honest I don't feel we did anything wrong, so Im not walking around thinking like that, but sometimes your too close to the woods to see the trees, and maybe an outsiders point of view my shed new light on situations!

Cheers!

bullpost

Sorry to hear this. Not unusual - We had similar with my brother. This is many years ago and though the will was eventually honoured ,the family fallout never was.

ARandomGuy

Yeah I can imagine it happens a lot more than we think!

And yeah, tbh, if she told me it was daytime id have to check, so I don't think we can ever come back from this, and im ok with that!

Mellor

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121193256#Comment_121193256

The $20k was an agreement between you, you had agree to give her the lion's share, and she tried to screen you. You'd have a strong case of contesting the will to your full entitlement of $150+k. She broke the law by the sounds of things. She stole from your dead mother. disgusting.

The fact she did this despite getting everything handed to her highlights the kind of person she is. You well rid of her tbh. I wouldn't be letting her sound like the victim. Screw letting her spin her story.

she has told family members and friends that we were sueing her and dragging her through the courts.

If you have proof of that, I'd ask her why she is lying, but if that what she wants, guess you'll see her in court

TheOriginalMattman

I've seen similar behaviour in my ex-wife's family.

Disowning each other and then re-emerging from the woodwork when money comes around.

They'll bring themselves a life time of misery and victim complexes until there's no money left to scrounge and they have to actually wallow in what they've created.

Distance yourself.

ARandomGuy

Oh we are well aware we can contest and win far more than the agreed money. However I don't want to drag my mums memory through the courts.

Yes your right Mattman, she will eventually realise what they lost, I have an amazing relationship with my father, and brother, nieces and nephews, and she has bricks and mortar, and whatever cash she managed to steal!

The chickens will come home to roost eventually!

ThreeGreens

Agree with what everyone else said.

Clearly she's the money grabber, and calling you what what she is herself.

I think you're right not to contest thing for the small amount involved (but do be aware that if you contest it, then payment of legal fees usually comes from the estate as far as I know).

But I would make sur you contact anyone that she has bad mouthed you to, to set the record straight.

I'd also contact your brother in law to ask if there is anything you can do to help him get access to his kids (for example perhaps he need a character witness to counter act what she is saying about him, and you might be in a good position to give that). Perhaps that's the best sort of revenge in this circumstance! Doing the right thing.

Kaybaykwah

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058316724/my-family-fell-apart

So, she just didn’t get to lock the doors, she actually get a divorce from her husband?

ARandomGuy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121193457#Comment_121193457

Ohh im helping the brother in law all the way. Vouching for moneys paid to my mum, to a character witness, In court later this month.

The only reason she stopped him seeing the kids was because he brought them to see me. Which I feel terrible about. sad

ARandomGuy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121193477#Comment_121193477

No She has done nothing but hook up with his first cousin. And that happened within 6 months of my mums passing. Funnily enough, my mum, my wife, me and her husband all asked her 2 years prior to mums passing was there something going on with the cousin.... She denied it always! lol

Dial Hard

Oh and I wouldn't be worrying about her going around badmouthing you- I'd say everyone who knows her knows what she's like.

Oscar_Madison

My main observation is that its f’in incredible that you are taking this so well.

I’d be livid - but you certainly have the right attitude to get through this- otherwise the whole situation would just eat you up and spit you out.

Look after your own family, your friends and forget this person is related to you - no good will come of this- I’d argue that even her own kids won’t benefit from that house- she sounds like the sort of person who’d remortgage it on her death bed and blow the proceeds on the horses or something just to spite those she leaves behind.

You're well rid of her - also I wouldn’t get overly involved with the brother in law- polite yes, supportive yes, but not overly helpful - that’s something he needs to deal with - it will wear you out taking on any responsibility there

AndyBoBandy

You say your sister overdrew your mothers bank account to €3,000 and as the contents of the bank account were left to you and your brother, did you then inherit that debt?

Either way what she did with the bank card was fraud.

gormdubhgorm

I would say it should be your brother in law going the legal action route against your sister. IMO. If he is able to or someone does so on his behalf. Given his stroke his care should be paramount.

You seem to get on well with him, so that is the avenue I would encourage if I was in your position.

ARandomGuy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121193573#Comment_121193573

Yes, I totally agree about not getting too involved, I was at the start, but have distanced myself for my own sanity. Unfortunately the stroke took a lot from him, so leading him by the hand through all of this is not my idea of fun, he has to stand up n be counted by himself! But appreciate the comments!

ARandomGuy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121193577#Comment_121193577

No! Unfortunately while my mother and father were divorced, he never took his name off the bank account they used to share. So he inherited it! He cleared it, and wrote an email to my sister asking for it back, but she ignored all contact! Run and hide!

ARandomGuy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121193514#Comment_121193514

Unfortunately she's very convincing and even more unfortunate is the fact I've learned that my family and or friends are gullible to a point, have made judgements about me based on her badmouthing. I don't think id waste my time trying to put it right, if they believe im capable of anything she has said, they weren't friends or family worth having! And that's the reality!

Oscar_Madison

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121193665#Comment_121193665

I see you’ve learned that yourself. Hopefully he has family who can support him

ARandomGuy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121193744#Comment_121193744

Unfortunately not. Sad

mrslancaster

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121193673#Comment_121193673

Did your father's half of the family home pass in full to your mother when they divorced?

spaceHopper

What about her kids, how old are they, how will they react to this as they get older. She's stopping them having a relationship with you and your kids.

Your father was crazy to pay back the money he should have let the banks fraud department handle it. He's effectively allowed her to steal what should have been your money.

If something was going on between your sister and her husbands cousin should he get a DNA test to make sure the kids are his. Don't want to be cruel but there is a chance.

The house isn't hers, it's the family home for her and her ex husband could he claim a share of it. At least it could cause her no end of stress at the same time you could invest 500 each between you and your brother to contest the will especially if you can show she was in hospital with Alzheimer's. The solicitor has a lot to answer for there too! She's told everybody you've done it so you might as well do it.

cbreeze

It appears to be despicable behaviour on the part of the sister. Has the estate gone to probate? Perhaps it is worth consulting a solicitor with your concerns, particularly in relation to your mother's mental health at the time that the executors were changed. If nothing can be done, at least you will know for certain and move on.

This won't end well for the sister in the broad scheme of things. She defrauded her brothers out of their inheiritance, ended one relationship and begun another, and is currently slandering the family. She does not sound like someone to invite into your home other than to clean the floors.

brokenbad

Family fallouts post parental funerals are more common than you think - it's just that the dirty laundry is never aired in public.

My wife's elderly mother died 2 months ago - prior to her death there was tension between some of the family members over her palliative care and other family members who were "interfering" with the nil by mouth process. The nurses on call expressed concerns over soiled underwear - not the kind of thing that correlates with nil by mouth.

The individuals in question were called out on it - a huge bust up occurred 4 days before she died.

Fast forward the removal - 2 family members (one of them - my wife) at odds with the other 5 bastards all standing in the same room while greeting people paying their respects.

You could cut the atmosphere in the room with a knife....

Funeral followed next day - once the burial was done, my wife, her sister and i went off ourselves for some food. The other bastards went off themselves with their own families.

No contact since.....the next drama now will be the reading of the will - more disputes will follow.

The saying is true "you can choose your friends, but you cant choose your family"

tayto lover

She obviously read you and your brother like a book and knew that you both wouldn't rock the boat. She's a very cunning and conniving woman.

If it were me i'd fight back and take what was mine. People like her deserve to be stood up to.

runningbuddy

Sorry to read this OP. I am not sure about contesting the will. If it clearly states your late Mother's wishes then, from what I know, it can be very hard to contest.

Fuck what she is saying to everyone else. You cannot control that. People that know you, won't pay her any attention. You are well rid. She sounds like a toxic piece of work. Out of interest, why is your brother in law leaning on you so much?

ARandomGuy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121195498#Comment_121195498

TBH he is not, its more me trying to help him (which I have since withdrawn from) He suffered a stroke is isn't capable of doing all of this by himself, but I was only getting worked up too much trying to help so I stepped back!

xyz13

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121195498#Comment_121195498

This case took place outside the EU but the outcome is interesting, so I'll share the story.

4 siblings (from 2 mother's) contest will.

1. TV personality dies suddenly (brain aneurysm) in late 2020.

2. He had been married to his 3rd wife (aka the widow) for 8 months, living apart for almost 3 months up to the point of his death.

3. Will was written shortly before the wedding, in which he left 50% of the estate to the wife and 50% to be shared between 4 siblings (all over 16, the eldes isn't his biologically, nor through adoption).

4. He had arranged with a solicitor to call over to the office on Wednesday to amend the will and remove the 3rd wife from it. He died on Sunday, three days prior to the meeting.

5. The "children" found out about his desire to amend the will and fought in court to have his desire affirmed. Originally the widow was appointed as executor of the will and later removed.

6. Fast forward to September 2023 after an appeal in the high court a final verdict was reached and surprise, surprise, the deceased wish was granted.

The will was annulled and 100% of the estate will go to his offspring.

The fact your mother was under hospital care for a possible dementia diagnostic is enough reason to have this will contested, never mind the other issues.

I don't think your mother's name will be dragged through mud, as it's very possible she wasn't sane enough to make such amendment, but for your sister interference.

Whatever happens I do hope the children manage to restore their relationship with the family. As for your sister, Karma will find her eventually.