Struggling with driving as an older person - feeling like a failure

Stuck_In_Past

Hi All - I know there's bigger issues on these forums but any outside feedback is really appreciated.

I'm learning to drive as an older than average first time driver (in my 30s) and I'm really struggling with it.

I've been at it well over a year but still feel so much fear behind the wheel of what can happen etc. Also I'd be a fairly sensitive person so when the instructor loses the head if I do something daft I take it really personally and it's feeding into a cycle (I've had a couple of instructors at this stage). I dread having to get in the car before each lesson and sometimes I'm overcome with anxiety when I know it's coming up in the week but I genuinely try hard to learn.

The thing is in normal life I'd be a fairly confident and self assured person but I shut down when it comes to this. I can get by without but I want to stop being a burden on family and friends when they want to go somewhere less accessible by bus or train. I live alone outside of Dublin in a well served commuter town, so using someones car or having my own hasn't really been an option up to this point.

I'm happy with what I accomplished in life but I feel like this is something I should have done by now so I've been trying to make a go but the stress and anxiety is starting to become a drain on my day to day contentment. I'm feeling like a bit of a failure to be honest and that this might hold me back in life.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? I'd love to hear your own experiences.

SteM

No instructor should loose the head with you to be honest.

Imo,if you cam get by without it then take a break from lessons for a year or two to clear your head and then go back with a clean slate and use an instructor that is recommended by a friend or colleague.

radiotrickster

Learning in your 30s is more common than you may think, OP. I would know as many people who can’t drive in their 30s and even 40s than those who can.

I’d say take a break from it. You said it yourself that you’re in a worry-cycle. Give yourself a rest for a while, relax, allow the confidence and self-belief that you can do it to rebuild and if you want to give it another go, do. But another instructor may be the way to go – they’re like therapists, you might need to try a few but when you click with one, you’ll just know it and you won’t look back.

I’ve known a couple of women who were widowed in their 50s and 60s and had to learn to drive so regardless of your age, it can be done. Best of luck.

Dial Hard

As said, no instructor should be "losing the head" but the fact that you've been through several does probably say something.

As far as I know there are instructors out there who specialise in very nervous/older learners so perhaps have a Google and see if you can find one of those?

Imo driving, like swimming, is a life skill and one everyone should have even if they never actually need to own a car.

JDD

OP, I passed my test first time four months ago. I’m 47. If I can do it, anyone can.

Your story seems so familiar to mine. I got my first provisional at 30, but with various bit of bad luck and bad timing I didn’t see my first round of lessons through. And the second. That became a pattern over the years. I built the whole thing up in my head and started dreading lessons. I ended up starting lessons with six different instructors over 15 years.

Two things made the difference for me. One, I have a child with additional needs who needs therapy, and I needed to drive to get him there. Two, I had a fab instructor. He specialised in nervous drivers and was completely calm. It gave me so much confidence.

I’m still a bit nervous driving but nothing like I was. I would change instructor if I were you and then stick with it. And practice. I booked a babysitter four times just to get out to practice, and made my husband take annual leave so we could spend the whole day driving.

If you pushed on through and kept going you could pass your test before Christmas. The brain CAN learn new things.

sprucemoose

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121115030#Comment_121115030

in general they shouldnt, but in fairness if the learner does something genuinely dangerous as opposed to just 'wrong' then its fair enough once its still constructive - cars etc, are inherently dangerous things and in certain cases this fact needs to be re-iterated.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058313942/struggling-with-driving-as-an-older-person-feeling-like-a-failure

as others have said it might take finding an instructor that suits you. are there any driving schools etc, near you that have private closed roads that you can practice on? something like that might help

it might not be the answer that you are looking for, but you might need to just keep going and 'get over' (for want of a better phrase) your nervousness around driving, which will come with experience but that may take different amounts of time for different people. when i started out i was fairly terrified but after lots of practice (and tbh, driving without a licenced driver for about a year, although thats obviously not to be recommended) i gained confidence through experience.

SteM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121115142#Comment_121115142

The OP specifically said 'do something daft', they never mentioned dangerous. An instructor should not loose the head if the pupil does something daft. Loosing the head is rarely seen as constructive in any for of teaching.

glen123

OP, are you learning to drive a manual car or automatic? If manual, maybe you should try automatic as it's so much easier to drive not having to deal with gears and clutch and you will have more energy and attention to spend on concentrating on the quality of your driving. Yes, it will limit your car options a bit once you pass your test but we are heading into EV era and they are automatic. Also try a different instructor as you are obviously too stressed to learn properly with the current one so it's time to try someone different and, if necessary, change again. My husband was learning to drive at 33 and it took him 6 attempts to pass his driving test but he got there in the end. Don't give up, find a comfortable environment to learn in (you should be comfortable with the car and instructor) and try again.

Stuck_In_Past

Thanks all for the really helpful replies, it's really insightful to see I'm not alone in this and it sounds like the best thing to do is find a better instructor. This stuff isn't something that comes natural but it'd be amazing to be able to do it.

Regarding dangerous driving posts, I've never done anything dangerous but just silly - at least not in my opinion. I think the worst thing I did was coming on to a roundabout when a cyclist was in front of me, I was so afraid of not hitting the cyclist I didn't listen to the instructor when they said turn left so I turned straight and had to put up with a bit of a bollocking then!

Although @radiotrickster you mentioned something that makes a lot of sense, being in a worry cycle. I may try and break this before moving on to a new instructor. As I think right now I've been a bit ground down from the repeated stress from recent lessons. I really appreciate the input.

_Kaiser_

I would echo the idea of trying an automatic. When you're not worried about gears, clutching, stalling the car etc it'll take a lot of pressure off so you can focus on the important things - learning the road, observing, developing the ability to anticipate etc etc.

However, if you pass your test in an automatic, your license will be restricted to only driving those (ie: you won't be qualified on a manual - you'd have to retest in one). As said above though, this isn't as big a deal as it was years ago as a lot more cars are automatic now and electric cars are automatic anyway. I myself haven't driven a manual car since the 90s and I'd never go back, but one to bear in mind if it might be an issue.

From what you describe, taking the wrong exit off a roundabout is no reason for an instructor to lose the head. A new one would definitely be a good idea there.

sprucemoose

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121115201#Comment_121115201

i said the learner rather than OP, it was a general thing rather than about this person specifically

3DataModem

I learnt at 30. It is harder. Don't feel bad.

Montage of Feck

Definitely don't go auto for the love of all that is holy! It's a bit like riding a bike and once you get it, it just clicks and you'll do it instinctively. The hardest part is observation the driving takes care of its itself.

Senature

Hi OP. When I saw your thread title I thought you would be in your 60s or 70s. You are very much not old to be learning to drive. All that kind of social 'noise' does is add to people's anxieties.

It sounds like you have had a few bad instructors - there are many of them. Anyone can become an instructor fairly easily so lots of them are not good at it. A couple of lessons in my instructor yelled at me for 5 minutes straight while I drove the car home. Utterly irresponsible by him. He should have told me to pull in and then explained the problem. How he expected me to concentrate properly on driving while he was yelling away still bothers me, he was actually endangering us at that point. I was shaking for about an hour after getting out of the car. Everyone I told that story to assumed I was in the wrong and told me to get over it. Honestly it took me years to get my confidence back to take lessons and get my licence. More than 15 years later I still have never been in any accident at all while driving.

The point is, find a good, calm instructor. If there are mistakes you are making, they should be able to show you how to sort them out. Put the 'noise' about age or passing tests first time etc to the back of your mind. Don't go automatic, I was given this advice too but it did not address the actual problem.

You will get there.

rock22

Virtually all cars will be automatic soon so , if it eases things, i would go that route.

SteM

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121117143#Comment_121117143

I agree. I don't know why anybody finding it difficult to learn to drive would bother with a manual anymore. Just go automatic, it's one less thing to worry about.

Tork

OP, is there anywhere off-road you can go to practice without having to worry about other cars? I grew up in the countryside and learned the basics of driving in a field and then on a private road. That's a luxury not available to everyone of course, but feeling a bit more carefree in the car might help you become more comfortable behind the wheel. I also agree with the advice to change instructors. Like with every other profession out there, there are people who are really good at what they do and there are others who aren't...

Getting an automatic car solved this problem for me, combined with a calm and competent instructor.

You don't believe you can do it, but getting both of these things in place will show you that you can.

HildaOgdenx

Definitely look at getting an instructor who works with nervous drivers. Ask around among friends and colleagues, there's bound to be someone they can recommend.

Also work on your mindset. You're not old to be learning. I know people who simply had to learn in much much later life, due to circumstances and they did just fine. It's an important life skill, for sure, imo.

Tell yourself that you CAN do it, and you most definitely are not a failure. It's like many things, It just comes easier to some than others.

If you need to take a break while you research instructors, then do that.

Best of luck.

wildwillow

A more sympathetic instructor will be patient and encouraging. But it is great to have a car free space off road to get the feel of the car and gears.

The Leinster driving campus near Maynooth would be ideal for you as it’s traffic free and would build your confidence in controlling the car.

I have an ordinary licence but my cars have been automatic for the last two decades or more. I can still drive with gears when necessary of course but wouldn’t buy a gear shift car again.

radiotrickster

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121115631#Comment_121115631

The thing that stands out from your first post is that you said it's something you feel like you should have done by now. There are no timelines in life. You don't need to do anything by any age. Some people have their first child at 16, others at 40.

That's a lot of pressure to put on yourself. Is there any other reason for why you want to learn, other than feeling like you should know how, OP?

I'm in the middle of learning myself but it's out of necessity because the public transport near my home is appalling and I can't keep doing it any longer. I did try to learn once, many years ago, but it wasn't for me at the time (where as now I no longer really have a choice).

Have a thing and see what the motivation is because the fear that you're behind compared to your peers could be causing some anxiety in that worry-circle.

notAMember

You’re not an older driver at 30, and I can only reiterate what others have said, don’t blame yourself for crappy instructors. Being shouted at for 5 mins straight? Ridiculous. reflects far more on them than you. Change instructor ten times if you have to find a good one.

Remember there are no standards for driving instructors, and I have heard many stories of angry shouty highly-emotional and over reactive instructors who put people off driving for life.

A long time ago, before the current obligatory lessons rules, a lot of people learned with a friend or family members. Just by going to an empty industrial estate carpark early on a Sunday morning , I “taught” my younger brother to drive, a friend who had been told she couldn’t, and two of our au pairs. There wasn’t anything hectic to it, just show them how the basic controls work and then they drive around in that safe environment , pretending there were other cars. Bit by bit until ready to go onto rules of traffic and confident to try a real road. Again picking a quiet time and building up to traffic.

The more mistakes when learning in that carpark the better, we all learn best from mistakes.

have you a calm buddy or cousin etc who could do that with you?

spaceHopper

The secret to driving is that eventually much of it becomes automatic. Till then you have to over read the road, sport the cyclist, people walking on paths, the car 100 M ahead slowing down.... eventually this becomes subconscious and it clicks. Till then you have to over read the road. Did you know that if you take your foot of the accelerator the car won't just suddenly stop, it will curse along getting a little bit slower, but this is enough to allow that car 100 M ahead to pull out and match your speed so that you don't have to hit the breaks. My father knew that but he could never thing to explain it. He spend 20 minutes showing me how to do a hill start. My driving instructor showed me in 20 seconds. You need a better instructor.

Every driver was learner once we were all were you are.

ballyargus

+1 for automatics. Similar to you, I struggled with driving. Gear changing, hill starts and all that stuff were just too much (I'm a bad multitasker).

Since getting an automatic I actually enjoy driving - something I never thought I would! Give it a go - automatic cars are ten a penny these days.

My wife had reservations about getting an automatic, but now even she would agree that she wouldn't go back to a manual.

JDD

I'm the same on the automatic front. That made a big difference in helping me learn and I have no issue with only driving an automatic for the rest of my life. I can't see any reason why I'd need to drive a manual car, except in an absolute emergency. When I have a couple of years automatic driving under my belt I might consider getting a couple of lessons in a manual car, just so that I know how to drive one. Obviously if I had to drive one in an emergency, my licence wouldn't cover it, but I think I'd take that risk if I had no other choice. Or maybe I just won't bother. As others have said, in ten years the vast majority of the cars on the road will be automatic.

Jafin

Hi OP, I'm 34 and just learning to drive also. I've done 14 lessons so far and it is very nerve-wracking. I really wish I had just done it when I was in my late teens like most other people. I tend to go through cycles of worrying as well, and other times I'm very confident. For example last week I went for a quick drive with my mother (quick as in literally just 10 minutes) and I was incredibly nervous the whole time, even though I've done the exact same route with her numerous times before. Are you practicing outside of your lessons, or are your lessons the only time you get to actually drive?

As many others have said, your instructor should not be giving a bollicking to you, especially if they know that makes you more nervous. Maybe do some research and get in touch with some other instructors/driving schools and explain to them the situation and that you're a very nervous driver and have had not so great experiences with instructors so far. There is a difference between constructive criticism and flat out just giving out to you about doing something wrong.

PoisonIvyBelle

Change instructors. I failed two tests and had two instructors that weren't the right fit for me, one was just a bully (made me cry) and the other one just wasn't my style of learning. When I got my last one, she got me doing the reverse corner within 30 mins that I hadn't managed to get properly for over a year. Passed my test a few months later. The tester I got was a different feel that time too, much more relaxed, made me feel at ease, and I only had two minor faults compared to bombing it the previous two times. It seriously does all just click out of the blue one day, that's how I felt.

I'm 37. I was 35 when I started learning for the first time ever and 36 when I passed earlier this year. I must have done about 40 lessons in total, because aside from a mate's Dad coming out a bit I didn't have anyone to sit in with me to practice. You can do it for sure.

Nigel Fairservice

I'm learning at the moment and I'm nearly 40. I had a bit of a mental block about driving for years. This is my third attempt and it's the longest I've stuck at it. My first two attempts were in manual cars. I bought an automatic car a few months ago. I bought the car to give me that extra push not to give up on it so easily this time. I like driving the automatics a lot more than the manuals as you have a few less things to concentrate on and you can focus more on driving and what's going on around you. The right instructor that suits your personalty and learning style is important too. My current instructor is a very nice fella. He's a retired gent and always very calm. He chats away to me while I'm driving and throws in the instruction on the way. I couldn't deal with an excitable driving instructor and I couldn't even have a conversation with someone if I was driving a manual.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - As the OP has not returned to the thread for some time, I'm closing it at this point.

Thanks all who took time to offer advice.

OP if you want the thread reopened drop a PM to me or any of the PI mods.

Best of luck with the driving.

Hilda