Should I let my friendship go?

Galwaysgal

My friend and I have been close friends for twenty years, always been their for each other down throughout the years when we had difficulties and issues in our lives. At the beginning of this year, she met a guy online and our friendship is practically non existent. I've only met up with her three times this year (we used to meet up a few times a month) everytime I message her to check in on how she is getting on, she doesn't reply for nearly two weeks, and when she does she shows no interest in my life or meeting up. Everytime this year I've wanted to catch up with her, she makes an excuse not to see me but spends all her time with her new boyfriend. The latest being the final straw, I wanted to meet up with her, and she said she was low on money and couldn't but then I found out she was at a two day festival, so why feel the need to lie and not just be honest? Am I overreacting? Or should she still make time for friends she had known for years? I don't know what to do, I'm fed up with trying to work at a friendship that she obviously doesn't want anymore. Should I walk away?

Tork

Yeah, it's time to stop bothering. We all know/know of people who get so wrapped up in their relationship that they drop their friends. Even if you accept that your friend wants to spend all her time with this guy, it doesn't excuse the 2-week delays in replying to your texts, the lack of interest or the lies. Let her go. If this big romance ends and she comes crawling back, you can make a new decision on what to do next.

Jim_Hodge

I've said it here before...it's called growing up and growing apart. Things changes as we hit different stages in life and many friendship grow more distant. We can't know all that takes up the time and attention of others and their priorities may not be our priorities any longer. Move on,

Galwaysgal

I spoke with another friend over lunch, and she thinks I should confront her, and ask her have I done something wrong or why I never see or hear from her much anymore. I don't like this idea because I think she would get defensive with me. Would it be a bad idea?

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121096663#Comment_121096663

Not worth the hassle. Let it go.

Hannibal_Smith

Maybe she was low on money because of the festival? Tickets for these kinds of things are usually bought well in advance. Though I wouldn't confront her I would just make plans with other people. You've tried your best to keep the friendship going, but you can't do it on your own.

AlanG

People grow apart as they get older and friendships change. Sometimes they become companions that you see on occasion and can have a good time with. If you like the person then keep in touch and take them for waht they are. You may have some good nights out or even become very close again in another few years. There is no point taking it too hard, lots of people in their 30's and 40s only meet friends a couple of times a year unless they live close together or their kids have activities together. You cant expect it to be like when you were teenagers or in early 20s.

Galwaysgal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121097332#Comment_121097332

The festival was on the same day I wanted to meet her, why could she have not been honest and said she was going to a festival rather than lying? It's the lying that is really annoyed me. Honesty is always the best policy which I thought she was an honest person, guess I was wrong.

Hannibal_Smith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121097550#Comment_121097550

Only she knows the answer to that. Maybe she didn't want to hurt your feelings that she was going to the gig without you so thought it easier to lie. You've known her 20 years which is long time and believed her to be honest. It's been a tough year for your friendship but its possible her intentions weren't designed to hurt your feelings.

pinkfloyd34

I would stop initating any meeting up with her and stop texting and then see if she contacts you. It seems all one sided at the moment you are doing all the work arranging things. Just give it a test to see how long it goes before she contacts you. No point in throwing away 20 years of friendship but if she doesn't contact you then she's the one who is throwing the friendship away.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121096663#Comment_121096663

There doesn't have to be a specific reason for why this has happened. Even if you were to ask her (don't, by the way) and she was willing to be honest, she might not be able to give you an answer. Sometimes people just go right off their friends and nobody is at fault. While there is some merit to the argument that people drift apart and don't have time for their friends any more, I believe there is more going on here. Taking 2 weeks to reply to texts and not showing any interest in you at all are not good signs. Those are non-verbal signals that she's not interested in staying friends with you any more but is hoping you'll take the hint. Don't waste your breath trying to get answers because none will come. Let her go and concentrate on the people in your life who are interested in you.

Count Dracula

You should take as long as you like to make friends , but you should always take a longer time to dump them.

She has been a poor friend for a year, but as a friend you should also be happy that she is enjoying a fine romance and that she may well be just devoting her life to a new partner while she can?

I massively understand that you may be feeling left out, particularly as her life appears to be taking a new trajectory, you may feel left behind, I get it. But she will be back once the honeymoon is over. Your friends always pop up again, that is why you are their friend, to be friends with them.

Stop being as needy as you are, let her roll on a bit. She will come back, although it is likely that you will have moved on a little. Not texting your friend for a while is not dismissing them, it is simply giving her space. She may well not want your influence at this point, let her go for a while, but be a friend when you can.

Good friendships never die.

Galwaysgal

Friend messaged me this morning, to say she would have had a catchup only she got food poisoning and wants to meet a day this week. First thought was how convenient just another excuse not to catchup considering she is able to do things with other people and secondly I think she only wants to arrange to meet because she feels guilty and not because she wants to.

I asked her a few weeks ago would she be free for a catchup before I went back to work after holidays, and she made up an excuse then too.

It feels like I'm being taken for a fool at this stage, I just wouldn't be bothered with this behaviour.

Beta Ray Bill

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121100095#Comment_121100095

I'm going to assume you called her out on it then?

Personally I'd have just walked away and never contacted her again. If her and her BF ever break up you can bet that she'll probably contact you.

Just walk away, it's easier, less toxic to both of you.

You cannot put a price on hassle.

She’s on a honeymoon period with her new guy, doesn’t last forever. Drop the active input into the friendship, but don’t make an enemy in doing so. When her relationship loses its full-on “energy” as inevitably it will, or especially if it goes pear-shaped, she nay want your support and validation. She’s just obsessed with her guy atm, it’s human nature. There’s all sorts of hormones and dopamine flooding her brain atm, it’s what keeps the human race reproducing. Don’t take it in any way personally, but distract yourself, eg make new friends or cultivate the friendship of others you may know.

XsApollo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121098600#Comment_121098600

Agree with this

Galwaysgal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121100139#Comment_121100139

That's the thing I haven't been in touch with her since, I agree I wouldn't be bothered with this hassle.

Galwaysgal

Hi, further update on friend issue. My friend still never mentions wanting to meet up for a coffee or catch up or anything anymore. Her interests revolve around what her new boyfriend likes and his life. The last time I saw her was over a month ago, I realised that day how much she has changed, I don't recognise her anymore. We went for lunch and she talked the whole time about her new boyfriend, his work his family his friends, I tried to revert the conversation back to my friend and her life but he was brought into the conversation the whole time. When I talked about how my life is going she didn't seem interested and the conversation was reverted back to Him. My friend is in between jobs at the moment and is qualified in IT which she always loved and is good at. Her boyfriend has recently started a carers course, she messaged me a few days ago to tell me she has been offered a place and is started the course also. The thing that puzzled me is my friend has never had an interest in a carers position before, it has never interested her, it feels like I don't know who she is anymore. I don't know what to do is this normal?

mojesius

As hard as it is, don't try to force the friendship. I have been in your shoes and it's really hard. You go through all the stages of grief when a such long, close friendship runs its course.

"Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on."

-Baz Luhrmann

Jim_Hodge

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121295981#Comment_121295981

Let her live her life. She has moved on. People move on and people change their paths in life. To be honest there seems to be a bit of 'poor me' in your posts. Your friend has new priorities. Leave her to her own life and her priorities.

babyducklings1

I was in a similar situation, a good friend just drifted apart from me, I hadn’t done anything wrong. I tried to make contact a few times then gave up. I have a pretty busy life so didn’t have too much time to dwell on it but was still hurt. Out of the blue friend got in contact recently and I was delighted. I always think true friends will make their way back.

jj880

You remind me of me in my late teens / early 20s. Eventually you realise there is zero point forcing anything with friends. If you are meant to be in each others company it will happen naturally. If I didn't see 1 of my friends for a year I'd think nothing of it. Everyone judges who to spend their time with. You included. I think anyone who has a problem with that is in for a bad time. There is nothing worse than a beggy sue trying to insert themselves into another person's life. Keep it moving. Look elsewhere. Don't take it personally.

LimeFruitGum

Adjust your expectations. For whatever reason, she is prioritising the fella and the course now. Yes, it looks a bit strange that she is now aping everything he's doing, but that isn't your problem to solve. Maybe she was secretly sick of IT anyway, for all we know. I know plenty of people who jacked in tech careers to do things like librarian postgrads or psychology courses. She can always go back to IT if caring isn't for her.

I'd be doing extremely well to see my old college mates two or three times a year. I'm not a big texter at all, I much prefer to meet up instead of texting all night, but I can understand if that doesn't work for some. A lot of the time I do my own thing or I meet up with people from other circles. You have to find a way to be less invested in what's she is doing, not doing, or what she is thinking about doing.

Deregos.

Coincidently, I've recently reconnected with several friends who I'd lost all contact with. All of us had drifted due to getting married and raising children. It wasn't awkward at all to re-engage, we just fell seamlessly back into friendships as if we hadn't lost contact and are accepting of the choices we each made without judgement and its great.

If you're good friends with this girl, don’t confront her about her behaviour. Instead, just be patient and if the friendship is strong and meant to be, then it's meant to be. Don’t try and force a square peg into a round hole. You'll just be driving another wedge further between you.

Galwaysgal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058313132/should-i-let-my-friendship-go

Things are now getting worse and worse. I meet my friend over the weekend for a coffee and I noticed now that her personality has changed dramatically, not only is she doing a course because her boyfriend is doing it she now is just like him, she was very forward and cheeky and cursing constantly (she has never been a cheeky person or cursed much). Her boyfriend is like this, is this normal for a person to form into their partner? I don't recognise her anymore! She had no interest in my life either, I think I've had enough.

SteM

Unfortunately it's perfectly normal, especially if a person has low self esteem in my experience.

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HildaOgdenx

Mod - Discussions merged, OP, as you already have a recent and active thread on the same topic.

Hilda

Tork

So what exactly do you like about your friend? You're doing a lot of giving out about her.

Jim_Hodge

Months ago the advice was to move on, just as she has. Why in earth meet up again, only to find fault with how she chooses to live her life. People change, people mature and people go their separate ways.

Tork

OP, you want to change your friend back to the way she was before she met her boyfriend. That's the one thing you can't have no matter how much you want it. So you're left with two choices. Either you accept her as she is now, or you stop bothering to keep in contact with her.

If you decide to stay friends with her, you've got to accept that she's on her own journey. Her boyfriend doesn't appear to be a good influence on her, but we only have your word to go by here. Even if he isn't a good partner, she's not going to ditch him just because you disapprove of him. Has anybody ever ditched a boyfriend or girlfriend because their friends disapproved? Maybe the relationship won't last the distance but even so, she won't be the same person she was. Everybody is shaped by their life experiences. I think you're too invested in this and you'd benefit from taking a step back.

fatherted1969

OP, you're getting great advice here, unfortunately you are ignoring it all. Allow her to settle into this relationship. If she is a real friend she'll be back once the honeymoon period is over