My partner has finally had enough and I don't know how to convince him I can change

Peter Flynt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121012330#Comment_121012330

That's a matter of opinion and your opinion is not fact.

JupiterKid

I really think this parting of the ways is absolutely the right thing to do, OP. Lots of very good advice already given here, but are you willing to heed it?

I remember your earlier threads OP, and I'm sorry to say it, but it seems to me that you essentially wanted to have a "friends with benefits" setup as opposed to a new relationship and were dishonest with him about your real feelings over the years, keeping this arrangement going to suit your own needs. He wanted more and was extremely patient and accommodating, but you strung him along for 9 years with pretty much everything on your own terms.

Now he has seen how selfish you have been and has called it a day - he is putting his daughter's needs and his own needs above yours, and you are panicking. You need time to reflect on the consequences of treating him badly, your poor communication and if you want a proper and healthy relationship with anyone in the future.

Maybe you will find upon mature reflection that you actually don't and that's fine - but please don't get into another similar situation with another man because you feel needy and lonely.

I wish you well OP and letting him go is the best thing for all involved.

YellowLead

OP I applaud you for making the right decision now at least. Sometimes we just have to put other people first and see the bigger picture.

At the end of the day he was an adult man (albeit a younger one) and he should have saw what was happening, it wasn’t all your fault. Best of luck with everything - you know it’s for the best and it sounds like he has already seen this too. I hope you both learn from this experience.

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121012509#Comment_121012509

I am a moderator of this forum and that was a moderator instruction. Please read The Forum Charter before posting in Personal Issues again.

Do not question moderator instruction on thread.

bucketybuck

To be perfectly honest, I did judge him too. Not out loud but i thought it. I judged him for forcing his child to come into this scenario when he should never have entered into the living arrangement when I was so dubious. I also judged him for not standing up to the situation more and demanding more, issuing ultimatums to get what he needed. I guess it's a shock that he's finally decided enough is enough.

You judged him, and then took what you needed from him anyway. For 9 years. His entire thirties.

Convincing yourself you are well rid of the lad is one way to move on, but I don't think you will learn much from that approach.

Purple Mountain

I applaud you, OP for being very honest in your posts. I think you gave a very balanced view of the situation.

I concur with everyone else. It's time to cut the strings with this man. You are both on very different pages.

As per your thread title about changing, why should you?

You know what you want: a relationship without the full commitment and there's nothing wrong with that.

Society is set up to believe that there are milestones in relationships.

Dating. Cohabiting. Married. Children.

There's nothing wrong with not wanting to conform with that.

The only element that is essential, is that both parties are willing to participate and both are happy with the situation.

Let him go. Focus on yourself and your child for a bit. Then some day, you might find a man who is on the same page as you and with who, you will both be very happy with.

ElizaBennett

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121014779#Comment_121014779

Thank you so much, I really appreciate this response. I'm honest on here as there's no point being otherwise, I genuinely want to know what people think and it's been enormously helpful to hear it. Maybe all of this should have been obvious to me all along (and maybe it was but i was burying the doubts all the time) but people here are spelling it out and I have to listen. But my partner was never a prisoner at the same time, he was always free to go. And we never came close to breaking up before, so this change in him is all the more shocking. When I look back, especially at a very early thread here about our relationship, I remember the immense pressure from him right from the start. He wanted us to have a baby 7 months after meeting and it was a bit fraught because of my age. I thought I wanted it too but had big enough doubts not to go through with it. It was like he always wanted to lock this down and make sure it was going to last. So it's not like I was always the driving force. It's more like I was the one always pushing back, trying to slow things. Who knows, if we'd taken it at the right pace from the start, we might have had a very different life together. We were compaible in so many ways. I can see now that he was always trying to keep me happy, to make sure I stayed, and that stopped him being true to himself, and it only served to push me away anyway. I miss him like hell today but I won't contact him. We were in regular daily contact constantly from when we met up until a few weeks ago so both our lives have changed a lot now and it's hard. We've both lost the person closest to us, even if it was very far from perfect. Thanks everyone.

Big Bag of Chips

A number of off topic posts have been deleted. If anyone has an issue with a moderator instruction on thread the proper procedure is to PM the moderator. Commenting on thread is off-topic and derailing the OP's thread. This is the rule across all of Boards.ie and not just in this forum.

Personal Issues/Relationship Issues is a very heavily moderated forum due to the often sensitive nature of the posts here. We especially ask that posters on this forum stick to offering advice to the poster who has asked for it. Off topic discussion can be carried on away from the thread.

Thanks.

Tork

If you learn anything from this, I hope it's that you need to listen to your own instincts. And also, you should be honest with yourself and any future partners you might have. My take on this is that you had misgivings from the start but because you never spoke up, things took on a life of their own. You might not have recognised your gut screaming at you at the time but I think that's exactly what was going on. You met this guy who was openly very invested in being in a relationship with you but you weren't so sure. You keep going back to how things moved so quickly and that he was moved in after 2 years. 2 years doesn't sound like an unreasonable moving-in timescale to me but it obviously was for you. I'm inclined to wonder would there ever have been a good time for him to move in? Would a less intense partner be welcome into your home and your family? I wonder was part of you pushing back against him all the time, but muddied by lust and the realities of everyday life?

I think it's for the best if the two of you stay split. I think it'd be best if you don't stay in touch because as the pair of you start to re-evaluate your relationship, things could change greatly. I can see your ex moving from being very invested in what you had, to becoming embittered over the experience.

KrustyUCC

Good that you are moving on and won't contact him OP

Think you need to be honest with yourself though

Nothing in your thread suggests you've lost the person closest to you

From the day that he moved in you were unhappy and pushing him away, hated watching him move all his stuff in and felt sick about it

You're saying 2 years was too soon

It shouldn't have been at your age

The only redeeming feature I can find in your posts was that the sex was good

It was never his home even after living with you for a few years and him contributing to the household

You never visited him even after him moving out so never even made an effort after him having to move out

Everything was on your terms

Moving forward try to stick to friends with benefits arrangements as you definitely aren't comfortable sharing your life with someone

newmember2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121012802#Comment_121012802

I'll be hated for this but, I wonder was the age difference a factor in the dynamic at play here.

ElizaBennett

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121017048#Comment_121017048

I don't hate you for saying it - it's a fact that I'm 9 years older than him and of course everything about us has informed the people we are and where we are in life. The fact there was this pretty sizeable age gap caused stress at the start as we both thought we wanted a baby together but we'd have had to start the process pretty much immediately and that felt wrong. We didn't have time to ponder it. But it was an unequal relationship in many ways. I was very confident and independent and (I'll be hated for saying this!) he was totally in awe of me and used words like 'worship' and 'adore' about his feelings. We were both swept up in some pretty intense feelings that we hadn't experienced before. I defy anyone to resist for long when someone you find very attractive is treating you like a queen.

A few people have picked up on me mentioning that moving in was too fast, though it was about 2 years after we met, and that not seeming fast. But there were complicating factors in the mix. I knew him a full year before introducing him to my kids, out of respect to them and their Dad. Then they needed time to get to know him and I had to break the news he was moving in (they were worried about it and not very happy but accepted it). I knew I was forcing something on them that was unfair and that they would never choose themselves, so this was all part of my hesitation and the feeling that two years wasn't long. I think two years in that context is very different from two years for two single people deciding to move in.

The other issue that influenced me agreeing to him moving in was that he'd ended a relationship with someone else when he met me (not the mother of his child, from whom he was already separated) and she'd moved out of their rental home and he had to take on the full rent and it was absolutely killing him financially. So I felt somewhat responsible for him being in that situation and felt i should offer to help by letting him move in as soon as I thought it was workable at all as regards the kids.

I agree wtih Tork that he might end up feeling very bitter, once he's had some distance, and could just regret these years. I really hope he doesn't. He deserves to be happy.

tara73

I think you made up your mind, which is good, just wanted to add one thing which fmpov seems important regarding the situation and maybe you can't see it because there's so much different feelings and decisions going on atm. but wouldn't it be good for both of you to have one, maybe call it 'final talk' in person about the situation? I get it you both just slipped kind of silently away from each other, this thread helped you to make your decision for yourself to end it and you said you havn't for the last time and now won't contact him again...I think this is pretty sad and you might regret it in a few weeks or month. It was a 9 year relationship, maybe it's just me and I get people are different but I can't imagine breaking up after that long, just let it unspokenly fizzling out.

Sunny Disposition

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121017132#Comment_121017132

He's definitely going to regret those years unfortunately, even if it wasn't all your fault it was an awful waste of his time. But fair play to you in a way, at least you finally decided not to make the end of it any harder or confusing.

Big Bag of Chips

I don't think the relationship was a waste of anyone's time. Many people spend many years in relationships that eventually break down for whatever reason. The advice here is usually not to regret the time spent in the relationship (what's the point?) But instead use what you've learned to not end up in a similar situation again.

As you rightfully said, Eliza, he wasn't held hostage. He is an adult man, with a child of his own. Perfectly grown up enough to make his own choices. Yes there was an age gap, but you weren't his mother. It wasn't up to you to tell him where he was going wrong and advise him to leave you!

There more than likely was a power imbalance. And as you say I think he was very much more into this than you were. But you can not be held responsible for someone else's actions. And you can not be responsible for "wasting" anyone's time. From your threads in the past you often made your discomfort with certain situations very clear. He chose to not hear that at the time. Now he has heard it and he's called it a day. You'll both be ok after this. You're both young with many years of life ahead. I would hate to look at it as time wasted, and instead look at it as a life lesson.

Sunny Disposition

It’s nearly a decade lost when he could have found someone who loved him back. Regardless of fault it’s very unfortunate to have spent years in the position he did. I’d be amazed if he didn’t have huge regrets.

A life lesson for sure, but an extremely costly one. Ten per cent of his life gone on a woman who wouldn’t commit and didn’t reciprocate his love or even his effort in the relationship. He has been made a fool of and it is very sad for that man and those who do care about him.

ElizaBennett

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121017305#Comment_121017305

This is a very kind hearted response and this has been a huge source of pain the last few weeks. I'm really struggling with the idea of such a long relationship ending like this, without even a conversation in person.It goes against every instinct about the right way to end something respectfully and with dignity. He told me he didn't have a plan and didn't know the last time he got out of bed and left the house that it would be the last time. He said that in a text a few weeks ago when I tried to find out what was going on or what he intended. Although it's incredibly sad and a horrible way to end it, there's probably no point in trying to arrange a meeting for closure. It'd probably hurt too much. But I do think this is awful and compounds the sadness. No fight, no drama, no big event or reason. Not even a statement explicitly saying it's over. Just drifting apart and becoming strangers.

daithi7

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121019138#Comment_121019138

Ah sorry you say there's no reason ye broke up, but there's major reasons. As @Sunnydisposition writes above

".. Ten per cent of his life gone on a woman who wouldn’t commit, and didn’t reciprocate his love, or even his effort in the relationship. He has been made a fool of, and it is very sad for that man, and those who do care about him."

That's a whole lot of reasons right there.

Sunny Disposition

I find this thread almost haunting, it's very disturbing how an ostensibly decent person has been treated by someone who themselves somehow felt wronged when they started the thread.

Only a few days ago OP you were still telling this man you loved him, it's no wonder he tried hard to salvage the relationship over the years, he probably believed you when you said you loved him. He has nine years invested into someone who has manipulated him, who only ever wanted a friends with benefits situation without commitment, who only a few days ago was trying to convince him she would change only to acknowledge days later that she hadn't a notion of doing so.

The self-centredness is appalling. I really hope this man is okay now.

There is a big lesson for young people in this. If someone won't meet you halfway get rid of them. There are selfish people who will abuse your good nature if you try to accommodate them.

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121019983#Comment_121019983

While I agree with a lot of what you've said, I think kicking the OP while she is down is not going to do anyone any good.

I think her eyes have been opened here to a lot of the mistakes she made in this relationship, and hopefully she can begin to move forward now (with counselling) and rebuild her life and hopefully this man will be able to do the same.

I do believe her when she says she loved him - I just don't think she could love him in the way he wanted her too and they both took far too long to realise that.

It's sad, but people staying in the wrong relationships for far too long, and for the wrong reasons, happens all too often. We see it here all the time. Clarity often only comes in hindsight.

Sunny Disposition

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121020145#Comment_121020145

I'm not about gratuitously criticising anyone at any time, but I'm also not about normalising anyone being treated as this man has been and pretending that it's okay, maybe even understandable.

Ezeoul

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121020195#Comment_121020195

Nobody was normalising it or pretending it was okay, and most importantly, the OP now realises it was not okay.

She has acknowledged this and has said she will no longer try to contact him.

So, what's next? How do they (all) move on from this?

Sunny Disposition

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121020240#Comment_121020240

A number of people did though, and so did the OP, comments to the effect that she wasn't his mother so it's not her fault, he wasn't a prisoner etc.

In terms of moving on it's clear the best thing she can do is to never contact him again. It's the only positive thing she can do.

CrookedJack

Hi OP, I just wanted to say - I think people are being a bit overly harsh with you. It was a nine-year relationship and it was obviously working for him for large parts of it. He is also responsible for setting his own boundaries, so a portion of the blame is his for the dynamic. Some are reading a huge amount into things that happened at the end of the relationship and extrapolating it into the whole experience. I'm sure you were a good, loving and fun partner that was what he wanted. You haven't stolen any of his time, you didn't force him to be with you. He is responsible for his own choices.

However now you are responsible for how you end it, or if you allow it to end.

I just wanted to make sure you're not taking all this negativity to heart and that it's not clouding what I see as the real point - your behaviour now is the issue, rather than the whole relationship (which we don't have enough detail to judge, in my opinion.

StupidLikeAFox

These bits really stood out to me:

I told him our only hope would be for him to get his own place again, so we could both parent how we wanted and I could reclaim my sanity.......I said ‘this isn’t how relationships are supposed to go. Maybe we can’t work if we go backwards like this’ but he said ‘it doesn’t matter what people think. This is our relationship. We’ll make it work because we want to.’.....

.....He’s really angry that after I asked him to move out I made no effort to visit his place (which is true), that he’s had to do all the travelling and visiting and arranging and that everything is on my terms (which is also true.) Now I feel he’s 100% punishing me

He's not punishing you, that's is really hurtful behaviour on your part. It doesn't sound like he is asking g for much tbh

I don't know if the ship has sailed or not but if you do want to make another stab at it then forget big romantic gestures or "throwing the kitchen sink at it" - you need to promise to get the basics right and put in the small amount of effort to keep the relationship going, he might give you another chance if you can convince him it won't be a one way street anymore

ElizaBennett

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121020399#Comment_121020399

Thanks, this is very insightful and wise. Yes we did have amazing times: trips, hiking, holidays, laughing together at things we both enjoyed, endless romance, comfort, support. It was very complicated because all of the good things made me believe it could work - and obviously he very much believed it had to work. But behind all that there was my unwillingness to give it my all and really love him like he wanted. You can try to make that happen but if it's not genuinely there then the stress of trying to force it will eventually come to the fore. I'm not even sure what it is that could have been done differently, if I was back at the start. The moving in was the wrong thing for us, but there really seemed no choice at the time as he couldn't afford a place on his own that would be big enough for him and his daughter. 2000 euro a month on one salary is just not sustainable. I felt responsible for that and that the relationship actually couldn't continue if I didn't allow him to move in with me. I'd have been sitting in a four bed house while he suffered financially and that would have destroyed the relationship anyway. My friends and family who knew I had doubts told me at the time 'it's not your problem that he's struggling to afford his rent, you can't be responsible for him managing his affairs etc' but it's very easy to say that when it's not your boyfriend who's upset and stressed about money and his future. I wanted him in my life then so I just hoped the positives of living together would outweigh the negatives.

I know I'm not evil and I have plenty of people who love me and know i was doing my best. I got it wrong, that's definitely true. But it wasn't with evil intentions towards him. I'll always love him in my own way.

daithi7

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/121020548#Comment_121020548

Ah yeah, fair enough I suppose, but I think you need to acknowledge to yourself that you did treat the man you purported to love, very badly.

Further, as other posters have already written here, I think it's most important that you leave him alone now, to grieve the loss of this relationship & move on with his life.

And you need to do similar OP. Plus take whatever learnings and self improvements you can from this relationship & experience. Good luck!!

...Ghost...

It might also be best to choose a partner who matches you. Your sense of power and entitlement is what poisoned things over time. It's why you made no effort to meet him any of the way after you told him to move out. You never saw him as an equal. A man with his affairs in order and who is single would be a good start.