Separating from a functioning alcoholic

Eire90

Hi

Im after some advice from anyone who may have been through something similar. I have been with my husband over a decade we have three children under 12. We’ve been married under a year. Since I’ve met him he has been a heavy drinker. Not particularly aggressive after alcohol but would make dangerous decisions like drink driving. Alcohol has always been a big arguing point in our relationship and I tried to leave many times but he always promised to change and I took him back. I thought once we married he would surely cut back and be the man I wished he would be. Without alcohol he is a great person. Over the years he has become more nasty and verbally abusive after alcohol. The next day he is full of i’m sorrys and promises to cut back but nothing changes. He drinks at least 5 days a week very heavily over the weekend. He never misses work even after the heaviest of nights.

I just can’t take living with an alcoholic anymore. Everything revolves around alcohol. The minute he gets in I hear the crack of the beer can opening and my heart drops. I just feel I need peace in my life for me and my children. He says some of the nastiest things after too much drink in front of the kids and the older they are getting the more aware of his behaviour they are. They have witnessed him coming in after drink driving home and urinating himself after passing out on numerous occasions. I should say I grew up with a very abusive alcoholic father and I know the effect this has had on me. Now I have gone and created a similar environment for my children to grow up in. I am so disappointed with myself. I regret not leaving for good long ago. Now we are married I just feel embarrassed. I voiced my concerns to my mother in the run up to the wedding but she urged me to stay with him as “raising 3 kids alone is difficult” and “he’s a not like your father was he’s not violent”. I feel so alone but so stuck in the groundhog of him heavy drinking every single week. I am miserable. When I met him I was very immature and thought he was “good craic”, I wasn’t mature enough to choose a life partner. It’s only over the years I have grown as a person and unfortunately he has chosen not to grow with me. I have so many regrets as I look around and see my friends who chose decent dependable men and I feel so bad that I’ve let my kids down. Their so lovely and they deserve so much better. I genuinely thought as I matured that he would too but if anything he’s getting worse.

Sorry i’m rambling. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Ezeoul

Your situation is extremely difficult. In your particular circumstances, given the toxic nature of a relationship with an alcoholic, I would advise you to contact Women's Aid.

There are also alcohol support services for family members that will be able to offer you support.

I would also encourage you to post this on the Personal Issues/Relationship Issues board (or ask the mods if it could be moved there) as some posters there will be able to give real life experience, practical advice and support, having lived through similar circumstances.

Big Bag of Chips

Hi Eire90,

I have moved your thread to the Relationship Issues Forum. I think you might get broader and more suitable advice in this forum.

We will keep an eye on the thread for you and if it later needs to be moved to Separation and Divorce, we will do that for you.

BBoC

TheadoreT

Well done for finally making the leap. These generational cycles are incredibly common. People tend to mirror what they see in their parents relationship in their adult life. It's why staying with an alcoholic is never the right choice. Your kids need to see you in a loving relationship to give them the best chance in their future, hopefully once you heal you can find that.

Big Bag of Chips

Eire90, I couldn't read and not reply, because I was in a very similar situation. The one thing I will advise is Al-Anon. It is a group for people living with a problem drinker in their lives, and I can honestly say it changed my life. You will hear stories that are identical to yours. You will realise the things he says about you aren't true - and everyone else are also told the same things, called the same names, hear the same lines. His behaviours, his excuses, are the same as others, and your reactions and your behaviours are also the same as others in your situation. You will realise you are not on your own.

You can only make the decisions you are ready to make. Al-Anon won't magically fix anything, but it will give you the tools to deal with what's happening. For me it was just remembering things like "one day at a time", "this too shall pass" and to repeat those little mantras when things are difficult. I cried non-stop through my first few meetings. Everyone in the room understood. And most of them told me they were exactly the same when they first started. It can seem like a very lonely place as you hide a lot, make excuses to family and friend, and tend not to talk to others about what's happening. Everyone in Al-Anon understands that. Everyone has been exactly where you are.

http://www.body-dynamics.net/articles/alcoholism.html

manonboard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058310104/separating-from-a-functioning-alcoholic

Im just so damn sorry you are experiencing this. I would really reply to threads in this category but yours really pulled on my heart strings. It is such a unpleasant and damaging place to me. I can see how you fell into it. Especially since you come from a similar dynamic. It really messes us up, gives us huge blind spots and preys on our fears/needs.

Some blind spots i seen from your post is even in the title. A functioning alcoholic is a delusion. They are not functioning. A person who has severe addictions, verbally and emotionally abuses their partner, is unable to build a healthy home, and takes crazy dangerous selfish risks like drink driving is not functioning at all. Im so sorry you have to bear witness to all that and experience it. I think with therapy and womens aid help, and support for spouses of alcoholics.... you'll find that many things you probably believed 'ok' are just unbelievably unacceptable.

I read many books on co-dependency, mostly about the spouses of addicts. It was extremely helpful to me.

Author: Melody Beattie - EG: https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Beyond-Codependency/dp/1567312187

Some of the stuff is a bit outdated, but most of it is very relevant still. It really help me see my generational trauma that guides my fears and needs into bad situations like this. Recognizing my terrible perception problems really helped me choose better healthier standards, which very quickly (though painfully long feeling) helped me want different circumstances.

Something i learned that really helped me too was realizing that i just replicated the mistakes of my parents... just like you did.. and the fear of my children doing the same thing was enough for me to do ANYTHING necessary to stop that cycle from being passed on.

marilynrr

Any advice would be appreciated.

My ex was a problem drinker, I would say that something you should prepare yourself for is that your partners drinking may get worse if you split, he might stop 'functioning' as well. I would consider your partner a problem drinker rather than a functioning alcoholic.

It can be common when people try to split with addicts that if they get worse then the person will take them back out of fear of what they're doing to themselves, or that the kids will end up without a father and so on, and due to feelings of guilt, obligation etc.

When I split with my ex I would say I enabled him to continue to get worse and worse because I listened to all his threats/ramblings etc, helped to find him when he went missing when I thought he was going to take his life etc. There was a huge sense of obligation, the only reason I didn't take him back that time was because he had threatened to kill me and all sorts and I knew if I took him back that time out of obligation that there was no way I'd ever be brave enough to end it again and that I'd be stuck with him for life. All that hell went on for months and months until I eventually shut down and detached.

I didn't choose to shut down and detach, it just happened as a response to the stress but as soon as that happened and he knew he couldn't try to make me feel sorry for him or try to manipulate me it stopped. I would handle it differently if I was ever in that situation again.

So I would say for anyone in your situation, just be prepared that that might happen. And mentally and emotionally you should try to prepare for it. You said you tried to leave many times and he promised to change. There's a good chance he won't take this well if he thinks you mean it this time.

Know your boundaries and stick to them. Know what you want for the future and stick to it. You want a happy, peaceful home for you and your kids. You're not his counsellor. You don't need to listen to hours of him begging you back repeatedly....that's not in line with your goal of having a happy, peaceful home for your kids. Feeling bad for him to the point of considering taking him back isn't in line with that. Looking after yourself and sticking to what YOU want and need is in line with that goal.

Do you have a support system? Do you have access to therapy where you could work on assertiveness and sticking to your boundaries etc?

Also, He might go to AA or therapy or make lots of moves which might make it look like he's serious this time about changing, but many don't stick to AA or therapy etc. So don't fall for taking him back after a brief period of him being off the drink (if there is one).

Bobtheman

Did he ever try AA? I think if he agreed to try that or Rehab would it change your mind?

I would also suggest the sinclair method which works by extinction. The drinker takes a tablet before drinking and gradually over time it reduces the urge. It's naltraxone.

In Finland its what they use to treat alcholocism. It's 78%effective.

Why is it not more widely known? Because nothing in it for the drug industry. It's out of patent

I not a sales rep either. The method is totally free.

AA and Rehab can work but the rates of success are lower.

Everyone is an individual so be wary of taking advice based on others experience.

My aunt drank heavily for five years and gave it up and hasn't drank in 30 years.

I know other people who never succeeded in giving it up.

It varies.