Alcoholic Flatmate

ardatr

Hi all,

Recently I found myself in the middle of a big problem. After two and a half years of house hunting, I managed to find a flat. And I told a very close friend that we could rent it together if she wanted to. I knew she was drinking, but I thought she'd remember some simple courtesies, having shared a house with others over the years. However, things did not go as I thought. She drinks two bottles of wine every night and tries to get my consent to use cocaine with her friends at home. And while doing this, she reacts passive-aggressively and sometime shouts or instulting me. She claims she doesn't remember what she did the next day either.I am really helpless. Every Friday she throws loud parties until morning. I can't stand it, but from what I've researched, no one can legally kick her out of the house. Before I go to Landlord and the realtor, I wanted to write here and get your opinions.

Many thanks

celica1994

all you can do is try tell her it isnt working out and you both need to go your separate ways, if she goes replace her with a flat share person. if you have to go, go into one yourself.

ardatr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120910069#Comment_120910069

Thanks for the advice, but I've been posting from Daft day and night for two years so I can rent a house. I found this house, I came to see it, but unfortunately, both our names are written on the contract...

Get Real

Perhaps your mention of "could rent it together" already covers it

But you did mention you managed to rent your own flat. Are you the sole tenant on the lease?

If you are the sole renter on the lease, your friend may be a licensee. "The relationship of the licensee is with the tenant and not the landlord".

https://ipoa.ie/difference-between-subletting-an-assignment-and-a-licensee/

a licensee requires no notice.

If you're both on the lease, then the above doesn't apply. Just a thought/interpretation on my part.

ardatr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120910096#Comment_120910096

I am sorry for the confusion. Both our names are on the contract.

TheadoreT

I don't really get the consent part, but I guess most things alcoholics do don't make sense. That's an obscene amount of consumption if that's what's she's throwing back daily.

Probably futile but as a very close friend have you tried to get her to seek help or admit she has a problem? Because until she wants to fix herself you are as you say helpless.

What was your living situation before? I think even losing independence is better than that current set up.

ardatr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120910897#Comment_120910897

I tried to talk to her about this situation, and I did it in a very polite way. But this conversation only made things worse. She simply said "why are we talking about this, I don't have alcohol problems."

I was a lodger in the house of a lady who lived alone before. She was a great person but at a certain point I started house hunting because I wanted my own freedom. My main question is: Is there any way I can legally send the person I'm currently sharing the house with? I know it sounds cruel, but living with an alcoholic is the scariest experience I've ever had. 

She puts something in the oven at night and forgets about it. She burned something in the microwave many times, and smoke filled the house, and I woke up with the smell of burning. Loudly washing dishes in the middle of the night, opening and closing doors harshly...I'm going to start therapy next week. Because I feel that my heart rhythm is disturbed due to stress and that I have difficulty in breathing. I wish I wasn't so sensitive... 

Hannibal_Smith

OP as you're asking how to evict someone I'm going to move your thread to the Accommodation and Property forum which might be a better fit for it.

Local charter will apply

HS

ardatr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120910975#Comment_120910975

Thanks!

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120910963#Comment_120910963

Why don't you ask if you can move back in with the lady you were lodging with.

Your friend wont move out so it's pointless worrying about her and trying to change things. Move out yourself for your own sake.

ardatr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911012#Comment_120911012

It took me two years to find a house. I find it very difficult to accept mentally... I feel like I have stolen something that is mine. However, there seems to be no point in dramatizing the situation, for my own sake.

Acosta

You might have to get tough with her tbh and take the kid gloves off. Tell her if she doesn't change her ways, that you will go to the landlord and tell them what's going on under their roof. You can tell the landlord that you don't want to move out and cancel the lease, but you can't live with this person any longer. The landlord will hardly ignore your concerns as there's genuine health and safety issues.

airy fairy

You've 3 choices here I think. Either you move out, get her out or stick with it and try sober her.

Unfortunately, she sounds like she's only at the top of the slippery slope, not alone drink, but coke aswell. She has no intention of even admitting she's doing this stuff, never mind admitting she has a problem, that's a long way off by the sounds of it. She needs to hit rock bottom before that'll change, and you don't want to witness that tbh.

You've made a point in saying you want your own space, you need to be here, not where you were.

So that leave you with getting her out. If the contract is in both your names, but she is basically breaking the contact with what I assume is disturbance, wrecklessness and dangerous acts in the property, then go to the landlord or management. Let them deal with it.

Mrs OBumble

The landlord won't deal with it: it's the OPs word vs the other tenants, they have no proof.

OP is the housemate working? How are they paying the rent?

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911031#Comment_120911031

I dont think its a battle worth fighting - you wont win with this - it will only grind you down. Addicts dont usually realise they have a problem until they are at rock bottom.

Do you know any of her family that you could explain the situation to? They may be able to step in and get help for her.

ardatr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911169#Comment_120911169

She works as Security. I have WhatsApp conversations and she does not deny what she did during these conversations. She claims she just doesn't remember.For the landlord though, I don't think these conversations will have any evidence or effect. Nobody wants to deal with such issues.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911177#Comment_120911177

Yes there is, but I am afraid that it will create a feeling of revenge and have even worse conditions in my living space. In the three months that have passed, I have been experiencing a great deal of stress and psychological collapse. In this process, she said that she wanted to move twice over WhatsApp. But then she says she changed her mind. These changes of decision, insulting and claiming that she forgot the next day... When it all comes together I don't know how to cope anymore and I am lost.

airy fairy

Have to approached the landlord at all or is it your assumption he'd ignore it?

Knowing a coke party is happening in his property weekly mightn't be his desired tenant.

RurtBeynolds

Wait for coke party to commence, go out to get some "food". Call the gardai.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911269#Comment_120911269

The landlord still wont be able to evict her straightaway legally

ardatr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911269#Comment_120911269

This is just my assumption. The landlord doesn't know anything yet.

To be honest, she doesn't use cocain at parties. She says she wants to use it but is afraid of my reaction. And since the day I told her I couldn't welcome it in the area where I live, she complains every day that I've been limiting her, that she has the freedom to do what she wants, that she's paying rent here and why she's renting a house if she's not going to use cocaine with her friends freely. Or she's cooking in the kitchen in the middle of the night, sometimes 3 am sometimes 5... and she's doing it loudly. When I want to talk to her about noise, she says I'm a control freak and claims she doesn't make any noise. However, she is unaware of what she is doing because she is drunk and constantly refuses...  And all these arguments repeat every day without exception. WhatsApp or face to face... I have to deal with her every day.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911280#Comment_120911280

Sadly this may be the best option - it may be the wake up call she needs

ardatr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911295#Comment_120911295

I guess as you say this is not a battle I can win.

spaceHopper

How long are you there, if it's less than 6 months and I was you LL I'd kick you both out because it's their last chance to get rid of a bad tenant, and if you moved out they's be stuck with her.

This is what you need to do and it isn't going to be cheap. Save two months rent. Tell her she has to go and you will give her back her deposit. Then go to your LL and tell them of the problems, tell them you've told her to go. Tell them if they are OK with it you'll find somebody, they will be your licensee and you will be responsible for the place. Her name comes off the lease. Clean the place and find somebody else. You'll end up covering some of her rent for a month. All this assumes she goes with out a fuzz. You may need to tell her family why you are kicking her out but I'm sure they know. It also assumes you LL is happy with the outcome. Basically don't present them with problem, present them with a solution and be resentfully, they are thrusting you with 100's of thousands of euros

When you find somebody, you take a deposit off them and you keep it aside to return it. You pay the LL and you charge them rent, you set the rent. You go 50:50 50 45:55 that way you recover some of your losses and you might gain a small bit for the extra work and to cover yourself is somebody moves or you have to kick them out. Be up front about it and if they have problem then tell them to bad, next tenant. If it becomes a problem down the line or any other trouble, kick them out. They aren't tenants they are your licensee

airy fairy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911293#Comment_120911293

Take it from me, an alcoholic will tell you want you want to hear. They are the best liars ever. So clever and so manipulative. Don't be fooled.

A landlord can't exvict immediately, but can be a catalyst moving forward.

All else fails, the guards as suggested.

ardatr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911313#Comment_120911313

Less than six months. Great idea, but there's only one problem: She doesn't want to move. Sometimes she decides to move and lets me know. The next day, she says she was drunk when she said this and she doesn't remember doing such a thing. Otherwise all the suggestions sound great, thank you very much for that.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911317#Comment_120911317

I guess at the end of the day I'll take her in front of me and say I want to share everything with the landlord. I don't know what effect this will have. And the source of her anger towards me... Sometimes she treats me like I'm her father. God! 🙄

Mrs OBumble

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911280#Comment_120911280

Do you have any idea how many coke parties are happening around the country each day? Do you seriously think the guards have got time for stuff like that?

OP, you clearly do still have some control, if the lack of your permission is stopping her from using cocaine in the house. Someone who didn't care would be doing it anyway, or wouldn't have asked in the first place.

You may find it helpful to contact AlAnon. They are an organisation for families of alcoholics, but they may be willing to assist you as the housemate of one.

Bottom line is that one of you needs to go. Can you afford to cover the rent by yourself for a while? Even if you just leave, you are still jointly-and-severally liable for the whole rent for the period of your initial lease, and if you stay, then you can get a better housemate probably quite quickly.

(TBH, I'm finding it hard to believe that someone who is having two bottles of wine a night is also managing to hold done a Security job and work enough hours to be paying rent unassisted by HAP. So am kinda wondering if the thread is a wind-up.)

You will never get the better of an alcoholic or a drug addict, quite frankly the only people who can tolerate living with them are other addicts. By hook or by crook you have to extricate yourself or you will be under dangerous stress levels. Addicts not in recovery are constantly in denial, and of course everything they do on you is forgotten next day, and they cannot and will not take ownership of their actions.

Alcohol in excess is bad and destroys brain, liver etc, but cocaine added to the mixture can be very quickly lethal as it causes heart arrhythmias with characteristic sudden death. Apart from that it’s illegal, and you could be dragged into a criminal situation. You can always report her to the guards, sometimes even as a friend you have to do that.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911733#Comment_120911733

Yes and then there would be the alcohol withdrawal seizures, DTs, which happen hours after stopping after the alcoholic has spent enough years desensitising their brains to ultimate chemical dependence. People in addiction will eventually lose their ability to work as it progresses.

ardatr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911733#Comment_120911733

Thank you for your support. She cannot benefit from HAP due to her visa situation. (Stamp 2 - Student) I'm not Irish either. I just have a different visa type and teach part-time. So I don't benefit from HAP either. And yes, she drinks two bottles of wine almost every night. Despite getting up at 5am. She is proud of herself and calls herself a "sponge". Do you even know what? Some nights she drinks a beer after two bottles of wine. I can't lift my head when I've had two beers! If this subject was fiction, I would be a great writer. I came here because I really need your support.

In the country I come from (Türkiye), there is a "Misdemeanor Law". This ranges from starting quiet hours after 11 pm to protecting tenants from the situation I'm in right now. However, I am not familiar with Irish law, and sometimes there are community norms or accepted remedies outside the law. In this respect, I value your opinions. 

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911770#Comment_120911770

The only thing that can solve the situation is that she agrees to leave the house. Unfortunately, she is constantly changing her mind. One day she wants to move, the next day she gives up on this decision. Although this is like a little game for her, it is very tiring for me. I don't know what will happen to me in an hour. If I witness her use cocaine, I really have to tell Garda.

airy fairy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120911733#Comment_120911733

A functioning alcoholic can continue life as if there was no alcohol in the system. Vodka is usually a first choice due to %age and lack of smell. Wine would be a soft start tbh. Even adding in a line of coke they can function as if nothing is wrong. Alcoholics can fool even very close families for years.

elperello

Forget about Garda and landlord they will not help you.

Help yourself by getting out as quickly as you can.