Death.

Hotblack Desiato

What to say?

You see it so often online, she/he is in a better place now, reunited with X and Y...

...well nope sorry I don't believe they are and if you did either you wouldn't be crying at funerals, would you?

"I'm sorry for your loss" is suitably non-committal but sounds so American.

Rest in peace? Does any atheist believe anyone is not resting in peace, ceasing to exist causes all pain and suffering to end.

"I'm relieved that your relative is now in oblivion and suffering no more" ??

Recycle (your atoms) in Perpetuity?

Akrasia

Doesn't matter what you say at a funeral. Just being there to pay your respects to the family and loved ones is all you can do.

Anyone bringing in excessive religion into it is a pain in the arse regardless if it's atheist or pro religion

At a Catholic funeral a lot of it is just ritual and tradition. Just go with the flow and don't participate in any prayers that you don't feel comfortable doing

elperello

Sorry for your trouble is an acceptable Irish expression of sympathy.

smacl

Being dead is a rather confusing expression, how can you be something when you aren't? Having lived perhaps says something more about a person.

We live on in the minds of those who love us and are close to us. Dreamt of my Father again a few nights ago and often vividly remember those I've lost. If you made a broader impact on society, such as Sinead did, that remains for some time after you're dead.

Non-religious funerals celebrate this impact and mourn the loss. Religious ones can do too of course, though a good wake often fulfills this role much better. How we choose to express sympathy with others doesn't matter much once it is sincerely felt.

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120901519#Comment_120901519

100% this.

Years back when I was still being brainwashed by Jehovah's Witnesses as a child, my parents (said JW brainwashers!) refused to go into the Catholic church for my Great Granddad's funeral. We all stood at the entrance outside for the mass and then followed the hearse as it left the building.

I remember feeling incredibly guilty as a child, could feel everyone's anger towards us as they shuffled by.

I'll go to any funeral now and take part as much as I can. It's purely a respect thing and the above did stay with me for a long time.

Still won't kneel though... !

Peregrinus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120902101#Comment_120902101

This. This is not about what happens or doesn't happen to people after they die; it's about the grief suffered by those who love them. What you can do to support and care for them doesn't really depend on your beliefs about the afterlife or on theirs, so resist any temptation to make that the issue.

Hotblack Desiato

Weird nonsense on 'new' Boards where you don't automatically subscribe to a thread you started!

I don't think there'll ever be a succinct non-religious alternative to the online / text message 'RIP' though, it's as if it was made for 140/168 character situations... and it's pretty likely these days that the person writing it doesn't actually believe in the concept of souls resting in a less than peaceful fashion.

Peregrinus

Well, there is the customary Jewish expression of condolence — "may her memory be a blessing". Not strictly non-religious, obviously, because it emerges from Judaism (and specifically echoes Proverbs 10:7), but it says nothing one way or other about any afterlife, and makes no supernatural claims. It implies praise for the deceased, suggesting that their life has made the world a better or happier place , for which we can be grateful. And it encourages/supports the bereaved in keeping their goodness alive and carrying on their legacy.

Of course, it might not be entirely suitable if the deceased was an unmitigated ****. But anybody who is mourning the deceased must have felt they had some redeeming qualities, and this phrase points to those.

taxAHcruel

Think it feels ikky to me personally to have some generic thing prepared before even knowing who it is who is meant to have died. For me personally it must be something so basically meaningless and empty if it can apply to anyone at all. I'd personally prefer to say nothing at all than trot out a cookie cutter phrase. And in fact sometimes literally saying nothing is perfectly ok.

So in general I tend to think about the person who's funeral I am actually going to - and or the people who are left behind - and ensure whatever I say is unique or special or meaningful to them.

Failing that though I guess the most generic answer I can give is that I would try to make some comment that is not in the usual categories of placating the feelings of those left behind (the in a better place comment from the OP being a good example) or the sharing the pain stuff (Sorry for your loss example). And after 20 such comments their eyes probably glaze over anyway and they are not hearing it either. Especially the "If there is anything I can do.....?" comment which a lot of people feel they have to make but probably do not mean - and likely will never be followed up on anyway.

In fact funerals like weddings are quite hard and stressful things to arrange and execute. Much of the same issues as a wedding (who to invite, how to feed and treat and accomodate them and their kids and so on) with none of the associated joy. And I don't think many people (in my experience) tend to acknowledge that.

So generically I would always try and acknowledge that in anything I say. Complement some part of the event or the ceremony with a comment of "X would have loved that" or "Well done on doing that part of the ceremony it really fit with my memory of X" or "Thank you so much for doing <insert something here> for today I think it meant a lot to everyone and brought us together on this difficult day" or "Those words you said during the eulogy/speech you just made would have really made X laugh" or "Thanks for everything you did to make today happen, I see Y and Z were here today, I have not seen them in years and X would have loved to have known they were here" and so on. Just acknowledge the moment in a meaningful way. Especially in a way where X (the deceased) and their feelings about that day are in some way validated vicariously. Because a lot of people arranging funerals do worry about what X would have wanted.

But to be honest if any funeral is coming up in my circles or family I tend to try to be one of the first people to call up and try to take on the responsibility of some part of it. Can I usher. Can I take care on the catering. Can I rent a mini bus and sort out people who might not have cars or transport. Can I sort something for some or all of the younger kids who will be there on the day so the adults do not have to deal. Can I contact the people who need to be informed of the details of the event time/place and so on. Something. Having arranged funerals myself there is a surprisingly large amount of stuff to do.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058306633/death

Well, I think people cry because it's their loss, it doesn't matter where they believe their dead person is.

I'm sorry for your loss, is to me, the best thing to say to someone grieving, it doesn't sound American at all, and it isn't in anyway religious.

Funerals are for the living, obviously. They only reason to go is to give support to those left behind.

I can't think of anything better to say, no matter what your personal beliefs.

magicbastarder

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120901577#Comment_120901577

actually, is there a good phrase as gaeilge which isn't 'Ar dheis Dé go raibh a anam'?

i wouldn't use it because of my lack of belief, but it'd be nice to have a way of expressing the sentiment in the mother tongue.

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120907235#Comment_120907235

In a language where 'dia dhuit' is the way of saying hello, I'd say you'd be hard pressed finding a non religious way of expressing condolences without having to make something up yourself.

robindch

actually, is there a good phrase as gaeilge which isn't 'Ar dheis Dé go raibh a anam'?

My grandfather, god bless him, used to say "May every hair on their head be a candle to light their way to paradise" which has always sounded to me like it might have started life in Irish.

We're all getting closer to the top of the que. Do what you want.

magicbastarder

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120910783#Comment_120910783

That's a rather strange one regardless of the origin!

elperello

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120907235#Comment_120907235

I don't know of one but my knowledge of Irish is poor.

I'd never offer an Irish phrase in greeting the bereaved for fear they'd reply in kind and I'd be lost.

taxAHcruel

May his road rise to meet him is probably one of the less religious and most beautiful irish phrases that there is. Which i reckon you could use for people on either side of the veil.

iniscealtra

@magicbastarder Níor mhaith liom do thrioblóid is the most common funeral condolence. @o1s1n No religion mentioned.

Other religious ones I’ve heard are:

Suaimhneas síoraí dá hanam (woman) / dá anam uasail.

Leaba i measc na n-aingeal dó / dí