Opinions on this

jc100179

Hi everyone. I recently started seeing a girl. 8 months in. She seems perfect for me until one night we had a discussion. Basically she thinks it’s perfectly fine to chat to, have craic and banter with men she doesn’t know on nights out. Sees no harm in it.

I think it’s highly disrespectful to your partner to do this. Craic and banter with guys you don’t know whilst out drinking alcohol is a recepie for disaster. I’d never do such a thing if I was in a relationship.

thoughts please. Am I wrong?

magicbastarder

yes. you are.

you are trying to limit innocent talk eight months into a relationship. that's not healthy.

suvigirl

Yes you are wrong.

You're suggesting that girlfriend should not enjoy herself and speak to other people when she is going out with you.

Are you aware how controlling that is?

CreadanLady

Coercive control.

She'd do well to give you the P45 sooner rather than later. Nobody should have to deal with that sort of jealous controlling behaviour. it is disgusting and a sign of a seriously deficient character.

You are not her owner. You do not get to decide who she can or cannot talk to.

------------------------------------------------------

Moderator warning: 2 week ban for attacking the poster. Not the standard of posting expected in this forum.

jc100179

Easy up there people. I’m not forcing anything upon her or telling her this is how it has to be. It was a discussion we had.

Dtp1979

I dunno, if I went home from the pub and told my missus I had the most fun night with a bunch of random girls from a hen night and We all got pissed together I think I’d be sleeping on the couch

suvigirl

You said it is highly disrespectful to you, and something you would never do.

Did you tell her that?

Wezz

What exactly do you mean by "craic and banter"? Talking to people or flirting or what?

I wouldn't have a problem with it drink or no drink. Either you trust someone or you don't.

Tork

You don't trust her, do you?

jc100179

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772251#Comment_120772251

I get your point. Personally I wouldn’t do it as if feel I was disrespectful to my partner. No reason she needs to follow the same morals

jc100179

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772261#Comment_120772261

Craic, banter and alcohol is only a step away from flirting

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772273#Comment_120772273

Why is it disrespectful?

jc100179

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772283#Comment_120772283

Cause chances are someone will get the wrong impression on the other side.

Wezz

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772279#Comment_120772279

No its not. Talking is just that - talking. Flirting is a completely different thing.

Do you trust her?

CreadanLady

People are always getting the wrong impression. Because there are unfortunately plenty socially illadjusted dopes who confuse friendliness with flirtyness or interest. And that is their own problem.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772279#Comment_120772279

And harmless flirting is just that, harmless.

jc100179

I know several men and women that I’ve seen out having so called craic and it nearly always turns flirty, especially when drink is taken. That’s why I don’t take part in such stuff.

Calahonda52

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058302601/opinions-on-this

Number 11: Thou shall not (...)

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772290#Comment_120772290

People will get the wrong impression in many different types of social settings. It would be good to get comfortable with that idea or you'll have yourself driven demented.

What you should be focusing on is your partner's intentions. If you trust them then you shouldn't have an issue with this at all.

Dtp1979

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772302#Comment_120772302

No, flirting with the opposite sex is not right if you’re in a relationship. But that’s another debate

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772273#Comment_120772273

you wouldn't do it because you think it's disrespectful, but you're ok if she does it?

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772315#Comment_120772315

Harmless flirting is just harmless.

There's nothing wrong with it, unless you're planning on taking things further

Bobby_Bolivia

I think a distinction would need to be drawn between "chat to" and "craic and banter".

If you had an objection to your girlfriend chatting to somebody, regardless of whether on a night out or not, regardless of whether there is alcohol involved or not, then absolutely I would consider it controlling behaviour.

But the terms craic and banter to me, have a strong overlap with flirting when it is two members of the opposite sex engaged in it, specifically on a night out with alcohol involved. Which is where I think you were coming from, before the typical anti male shills wandered in to tell you how bad you are or wrong you are, as is the case with every single thread on here where the OP is male.

I would be a fair bit uncomfortable with the notion of my OH going out and having the craic or banter with men on nights out. I expect most women would feel the same if it were the opposite way. If she said she was just happy to chat to men on nights out, then no problem there. And maybe that chatting would be lighthearted and jokey, again, no problem there. But it's just the connotation of those two words for me, which can so easily fall into flirting, and to me could almost mean flirting without using the word, and with alcohol involved - why would you be putting yourself in that situation if you're in a committed relationship.

jc100179

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772324#Comment_120772324

Look, your the kind of person who thinks it’s ok to flirt with people when you’re with someone else so I’ll pass on your opinion if that’s ok.

jc100179

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772338#Comment_120772338

Of course I don’t mind her talking to people, male or female. The rest of your post is a yes from me.

suvigirl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772342#Comment_120772342

There's the attitude.

I went out with a chap for 5 years, one of the nicest fellas you could ever meet. He was a darling and an absolute charmer and everyone loved him!

He was a right old flirt too, everyone got a bit of craic out of him. But not once did I ever have an issue with his charm or flirting, why? Because I trusted him completely, he never overstepped and I never once felt unsure of our relationship.

That's why I believe there is nothing wrong with harmless flirting.

I however, cannot flirt at all! Useless 🤣

CreadanLady

Ok OP so what now? What are you going to do? Are you going to just put up with it and say nothing, and seeth silently? Or are you going to confront her on the issue, and have it out over it? Or are you going to go full on coercive control and make an ultimatum that she cannot talk to roughly half of the people present on a night out?

Either way, I don't think there is going to be a positive outcome here. Ye clearly are two very different personalities with different outlooks.

My advice is to just end it. Ye are so different ye are going to come to an impasse sooner or later anyway. Finish it

magicbastarder

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772248#Comment_120772248

Huh. I came home once with a story not madly unlike this (involved some of us giving piggybacks to some of the women who'd lost shoes) and my wife thought it was funny.

And there's quite a difference between having banter you *choose* not to tell your partner about. The very fact you can tell your partner about it should be an obvious signal it was nothing significant.

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772338#Comment_120772338

What's with all these lads thinking their missus is just a drink and a flirt away from cheating on them? It must be a horrifically paranoid way to live.

Bobby_Bolivia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772368#Comment_120772368

Gaslighting people into thinking that everybody should be ok with their partner relentlessly flirting with the opposite sex, acting like it's normal behaviour and acting like if you're not okay with it then it's either out of insecurity or because you've trust issues. This place is hilarious.

It's perfectly ok and normal to not be comfortable if your OH is constantly or openly flirting with the opposite sex.

Ultimately the OP cannot decide who she talks to or how she behaves on nights out. They had a discussion where his partner presented an opinion that made him uncomfortable, as it probably would me. It might speak to compatibility issues in the future. Nobody is wrong, or insecure, or controlling - or in that vile post above by CreadenLady (as they typically always are when male related) - it isn't a demonstration of somebody having "seriously deficient character".

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772408#Comment_120772408

Now it's 'relentlessly flirting' and 'constantly openly flirting'.

And you're accusing others of gaslighting?

Gusser09

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058302601/opinions-on-this

Sounds like the relationship is starting to go down the coercive controlling route on your end.

Bobby_Bolivia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772407#Comment_120772407

Why would you be openly putting yourself into that position? There is no paranoia, and further gaslighting people into thinking you either have to be extremely paranoid/insecure/have trust issues to not be comfortable with it is absurd.

Bobby_Bolivia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772415#Comment_120772415

It's relentlessly flirting and constantly openly flirting as related to the behaviour described in the post by Suvigirl.

Did you read that? Or were you just frantically searching for the next way you could try to score some internet points.

Big Bag of Chips

CreadanLady has been forum banned for 2 weeks. Please do not reply to their posts as they have no right of reply.

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772426#Comment_120772426

'openly putting yourself in that position'? seriously man, you must be really really paranoid about your missus cheating or something? Either that or really really young?

People go out on nights out and get chatting to folks of the opposite sex. It's completely normal behaviour.

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772431#Comment_120772431

I'm replying to the OP's situation, not sure why you're not and going off on a tangent that doesn't relate to the thread at hand.

Bobby_Bolivia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772442#Comment_120772442

And again, if you read over my posts, which you clearly haven't as you literally keep proving - I've specifically spoken about chatting, even in a jokey context being absolutely fine and expected. And having an objection to that, I've said, would obviously be controlling.

Again, further gaslighting that I must not have experience of life or relationships if I would not be comfortable with my partner flirting with other men on nights out. Is that the only tool you have - because you have tried the gaslighting multiple times now.

Chatting is clearly fine, as I have already stated. It was the use of the terms "craic and banter", which I suggested clarification on from the OP, because they had a strong connotation of flirting which I would not be comfortable with. And again, there is nothing wrong or wierd, or inexperienced, or anything else, with not being comfortable with your partner flirting on a night out. As I've also already stated, which you no doubt didn't read either like everything else, it may speak to compatibility issues down the line.

Because clearly, some people are very comfortable with it. Good for them.

Big Bag of Chips

@o1s1n and @Bobby_Bolivia back to advising the OP please.

Caranica

OP your post makes me deeply uncomfortable and raises major red flags with me as a woman. It sounds like you and your partner are not compatible so for both your sakes please end it.

This is 2023 and I find your attitude dated and definitely verging towards controlling. She sounds like a much freer spirit, please don't try to change her.

Wezz

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772279#Comment_120772279

So to be clear we are not talking about flirting? You just have a fear that alcohol and talking to men will lead to flirting? And that flirting will lead to cheating?

Is this based on anything, does she have a history of cheating, have you been cheated on in the past?

Look, you either trust the woman or you don't. Alcohol doesn't make people cheat. Talking doesn't make people cheat. I think this is a you problem.

jc100179

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772628#Comment_120772628

Alcohol + banter = opportunity

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772676#Comment_120772676

You need to stop being so obtuse and say whether your girlfriend has ever actually done anything to make you think she might avail of that opportunity? Cause if she's just having a friendly laugh with the odd randomer on a night out and you're putting together 2 and 2 and getting 10, then yeah, this is a you problem.

magicbastarder

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772279#Comment_120772279

It's still a step away.

You seem to have trust issues. That's what you need to address, not her having some innocent chat.

Henry Ford III

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772676#Comment_120772676

You forgot inclination.

It sounds to me like you don't trust your partner of 8 months. Has she given you any reason not to? Would you talk to a woman on a night out? You know a chat and a laugh kind of thing?

riclad

You are wrong she can talk to other people she's friendly and fun as long as she doesn't ignore you she should be free to talk to anyone as long as she doesn't flirt with men or she does not spend more time with other people than with you. You sound very controlling but if you can't agree on this find another girlfriend .of course if she spends all night t as talking to another man that's not fair to you .it would be boring going out and just talking to your partner she's being honest with you there's a difference between having the craic and flirting with another man

o1s1n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772676#Comment_120772676

Seriously, this just wreaks of insecurity. Have a bit of faith in yourself and the fact that she's chosen to be with you.

If she does go out, has a drink, 'banter' and an opportunity comes along - which she takes, then you dodged a bullet early in a relationship because she couldn't have thought very much of you to begin with.

witchgirl26

OP my parents were happily married for 33 years & both of them, at varying times, engaged in harmless flirting with members of the opposite sex. In fact one of my mam's best friends (who is a man) is a notorious flirt but is also the most devoted & faithful husband to his wife. Flirting does not always lead to something else unless the people involved want it to.

I chat to guys when I'm out sometimes with my friends. My other half I'm sure chats to girls. At the end of the day though we're coming home to each other and not them. It's chatting. And yes alcohol may be consumed but that does not always lead to anything other than potentially a sore head in the morning.

And as someone above said - inclination is needed for anything to develop. There are always opportunities but it doesn't mean they're always taken. That's the difference.

jc100179

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120772891#Comment_120772891

Would I speak to a woman, sure. If a hen night came in as mentioned earlier, I sure as hell wouldn’t be in having the craic and drinking with them, exchanging banter. I’d find that highly disrespectful

crusd

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120773223#Comment_120773223

It is possible to have the craic with someone of the opposite sex and still be in a committed faithful respectful relationship. On what planet is it disrespectful to enjoy socialising with people?

nachouser

Work nights out in a pub with a bunch of the lads?