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Friend dilemma

  • 10-06-2023 9:55pm
    Registered Users Posts: 3,390 ✭✭✭

    Hey :)

    I have this friend who I love very much, she's such a fun & caring person, we get on great together & when we go for a night out we have loads of fun. I have one issue of concern that I often don't know how to handle or approach.. When we go out to a pub or whatever which is normally only about once or twice a month, there is usually a band playing or some live music, as soon as my friend gets tipsy, without fail she will harass the singer for the entire night begging them to let her sing. Sometimes they will let her sing one song but that just encourages her & she will stand beside them for the night pestering them, if they say no, she will stand or sit close beside them and belt away into the microphone. Plenty of times she's been told to stop, go away or been moved off by a bouncer but it doesn't stop her. She's seen recordings of herself the next day and cringes at them, she knows herself its embarrassing but it makes no difference. Im worried it will effect her as she will get a reputation locally or get us kicked out of somewhere some night. I just dont know what to do when it happens again & wondering how others might handle something like this?

    Post edited by HildaOgdenx on


  • Administrators Posts: 13,849 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    Tell her to sit down, she's embarrassing herself.

    If she doesn't listen, leave.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,390 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12

    Thanks Big bag of chips but im hoping to find a less confrontational way to handle this. I don't think starting a fight with her over it is the best solution.

  • Registered Users Posts: 28,650 ✭✭✭✭AndrewJRenko

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,616 ✭✭✭maninasia

    solution right there

  • Administrators Posts: 13,849 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    If she's a very good friend you should be able to tell her she needs to sit down without it turning into a confrontation. She admits to being embarrassed the next day, so why not tell her she's embarrassing herself and will be mortified the next day? Tell her you've discussed this multiple times already.

    It doesn't have to be a confrontation. Or, as others said stop going out with her to places with singers.

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  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]

    I've a lovely caring beautiful friend. She's loud. She gets noticed when she goes out. She got barred from a pub we go too a while ago partly cause she's noticable and loud lol ..she stops and talks to people too..and it can make for some very interesting fun interactions with people...she makes the most of the night and ye sometimes she wakes up the next day and text me saying **** what was I saying last night.. shes no harm at all just having fun and I have great fun with her when we go out.

    We just won't be going to that pub again 😊

  • Registered Users Posts: 55 ✭✭Nicks delight

    social conditioning....every time she ask the singer, just walk out. eventually she will get it. Option 2... just pubs with no live music.

  • Registered Users Posts: 10 PeterWillis

    go to pubs without live music and then if she really wants you can go to karaoke so she throws her energy there

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,991 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith

    Is she a good singer? If it's an itch she'd like to scratch there are other ways of doing it, if she looked into it.

    Otherwise, like others have said, when she suggests a pub say no live music and when she says why, there's your opportunity to explain. Thats not being confrontational about it at all.

  • Administrators Posts: 13,849 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    She's also tormenting the singers/band and making the night uncomfortable for pretty much everyone else who's there to enjoy the band! It might be a bit of craic at first, bit of a laugh at the drunk wan wanting to sing, but it wears thin with everyone very very quickly.

    You have to say it to her. I'd start with saying it to her when she's sober. Before you go out/when you're arranging what night to go out. You might have thought my earlier post was a bit harsh, but I'm now mid 40s and have probably spent 20 years of my adult life politely appeasing other people, often to the detriment of my own feelings/enjoyment. So now I'm at the stage where I think fk it! I won't be unnecessarily confrontational, but if someone is making an arse of themselves, and by extension me, I will address it now. Where are you while she's sitting on top of the band trying to sing into the microphone? Are you enjoying your night out with your friend?

    I'd tell her once, "Mary, don't. Just leave it for tonight." If she persists tell her you will leave as the night is not enjoyable for you. If she persists, leave.

    She'll soon realise she's not "great craic" for everyone.

    Alternatively - if she loves singing in public so much you could encourage her to start up her own band and then the stage could be hers all night.

    Post edited by Big Bag of Chips on

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  • Registered Users Posts: 2,717 ✭✭✭zoobizoo

    How much is she drinking to get tipsy?

    That sounds like she's drunk.

    Go to a karaoke bar as an alternative perhaps.

  • Registered Users Posts: 925 ✭✭✭TheadoreT

    Man she sounds annoying. That would make precisely everyone uncomfortable and cringe in the bar. Not sure I could be friends with someone with that lack of self awareness. A one off is grand but given its a trend it sounds like she has a bit of a drink problem, so getting her (and possibly you if drinking on same level) to face up to that would be the first step.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,390 ✭✭✭Airyfairy12

    She's not annoying at all, she's great craic otherwise. Ive suggested it to her before about starting up her own band were she can be the lead singer, she knows lots of people who play instruments but she said no, she would be too nervous to get up on stage and sing in front of people. Think the want just comes out in her when she's got drink in her, she gets a bit of dutch courage and it takes over.

    Id love to go to a karaoke night with her but unfortunately we live in such a small town where nothing like that ever happens and the only few pubs that dont do live music are quiet old man pubs that smell like musk.

    As Heather said about her friend, mine is similar, she's fun and always leads into meeting really interesting people, ive made some life long friends out of some of the people she's attracted over to us on nights out, she doesn't drink or go out that often, she's such a fantastic mother, her life pretty much revolves around her beautiful home & children but when she does go out, she's the life and soul of the party.

  • Registered Users Posts: 16,387 ✭✭✭✭Galwayguy35

    I think the bands playing in the pubs she is tormenting all night might have a different opinion on whether she is annoying or not.

    She should be told to cop on and stop harassing people.

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,342 ✭✭✭Augme

    I do really see the big deal or why you feel the did to intervene. In the grand scheme of things it's not that big of a deal at all. Sounds to me like you are more concerned hr behaviour makes you look bad, I don't really believe your excuse that your worried about how it impacts her tbh.

    Changes are she won't change. Probably something she'll eventually grow out of. Its obviously linked to her wanting to see but being too afraid to sober.

    I'd push that aspect more if you want to get her to stop. Encourage just to even form a band purely for practice and without the intention of ever performing.

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,722 ✭✭✭YellowLead

    She probably just needs to cut the drinking down a bit. Usually when somebody does something repeatedly they are aware is embarrassing and are regretful of when sober, it’s a sign they need to cut down. Particularly if it’s out of character.

    I have a friend who always drinks too much, now I only go out with her when there’s a group of us as the line has been crossed between being fun and bothersome.

    I’d say maybe before the next time just say something like - we might not be so welcome if we keep interrupting the band my dear, can you promise to just sit and enjoy this time. No embarrassing regrets the next day that way.

  • Administrators Posts: 13,849 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭Big Bag of Chips

    She's not annoying at all

    If the band are telling her to go away, and bouncers have moved her she's definitely annoying people. "Great craic otherwise" is fine for you. You know her otherwise. Other people don't and she is annoying them.

    What do you want to do with her Airyfairy12? You're her friend, and close to her. We're independent observers! We're not close to her. We're telling you from an outside perspective how her behaviour will be perceived by pretty much everyone else present.

    She's definitely not the life and soul of the party when she goes out. That implies everyone enjoys her company. They don't. You've posted here because they don't. You have zero chance of convincing everyone else that she's "great craic otherwise". So you need to convince her that she's not great craic in these particular situations.

    How much does she drink on these nights out? Does she have a problem handling her drink, do you think? The fact that she repeatedly makes a nuisance of herself and hasn't the self awareness to back off when asked leads me to believe she is drinking too much. She is/is becoming a problem drinker. Her drinking regularly causes problems for those around her (you included). A little bit tipsy is one thing. But usually if you realise you're pissing someone off you have the wherewithal to back off. She doesn't. Regularly.

    Something else for you to consider.

    Post edited by Big Bag of Chips on

  • Registered Users Posts: 925 ✭✭✭TheadoreT

    The disregard for absolutely everyone around her, not least the band who she's harassing is just a horrible trait to have as a person. These sort of god complexes are often heightened with alcohol, but shouldn't be used as an excuse for being a wagon.

    I get her extraversion and lack of care for evading peoples boundaries can lead you to meet people who you otherwise wouldn't, but you're worried she'll get a reputation, she definitely already will have one, the band for one will dread her, and you by association.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,297 ✭✭✭Count Dracula

    >>mod snip<<

    Reply not appropriate in PI

    Post edited by Hannibal_Smith on

  • Registered Users Posts: 16,387 ✭✭✭✭Galwayguy35

    Sounds like a nightmare to be anywhere near a person like that, when someone gets barred from a pub its because they are annoying other customers so maybe its time to stop being "noticable and loud"

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  • Registered Users Posts: 28,650 ✭✭✭✭AndrewJRenko

    So stop going to pubs then. Go out for dinner or coffee or cinema or theatre or a walk or whatever.

  • Registered Users Posts: 159 ✭✭Uncharted2

    Is it the drink she is drinking possibly? Maybe if she changed to something else? If it's vodka for example, I know a few people that can no longer drink it as it makes them fight or argue.