Upset

Marymoore

I am an introvert but when I’m comfortable in peoples company I am fun and chatty. I always had an issue talking in front of a group of people- even if it’s my family, I find it hard to speak out with lots of people listening. I can chat to anyone one on one but find it harder in groups. Anyway I made a few new friends (friends of friends) and was at a gathering they had last night. I felt I was enjoying myself and didn’t feel I spoke too little… One of the girls said to me in front of everyone “Mary you’re too quiet” and “you don’t talk” I didn’t know what To say back I just felt attacked… am I being ridiculous being upset for this.. should I work on improving my talking

YellowLead

She doesn’t sound like a nice person - possibly insecure herself so she picked on you to make herself feel better. Not everybody is comfortable in large groups and that’s okay, I wouldn’t worry about changing yourself to fit in - true friends will accept you the way you are.

zoobizoo

I'd be the same as you. Once the number of people goes above 5 or so, I just eke out a smaller group or talk to one person within a large group.

I have nothing to say to large groups and once it goes above 6, you're not having an actual conversation, you're having a competition for attention. You're competing with loud people to be heard. And the louder people might be dominating the chat which impacts quiter people.

A similar thing happened to me albeit they were my wife's friends and it was one of them who made the comment. Luckily I know myself well enough at this age to not let it bother me mainly of what I've said in paragraph 2. If I'd been my younger self though I'd have been morto.

Some people can feel that if you're not talking that you're either not enjoying yourself or that you're sitting in judgement.

Mary may not understand what you prefer to do. You could explain things to her if you're bothered.

Her doing it in front of everyone seems a bit 'smart' and it's not a nice thing to do.

hoodie6029

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058294518/upset

Hi Mary, 

Sorry that you had this experience and you certainly are not silly for being upset about this. These are your emotions and this is how you feel about the situation.

I have had a similar experience and reaction in the past. It took me time to come to terms with it. 

The person here may not have been targeting you, they may just have been clumsy and unskilled at talking to a quieter person in a group setting and no malice was intended. When the encounter didn’t go well, it just compounded the situation. 

I would have been on high alert in a situation like this and my reactions would naturally be flight/fight/freeze because of this. 

Unfortunately, we live in a world where extroversion is prized and introverts are not valued. Quiet by Susan Cain is a great book on the subject if you haven’t read it. I think it would be good to read in light of your recent experience.

JoChervil

OP, I am also one to one person. I like meaningful conversations and in a big group you can only do a small talk. So I am very often very quiet in a bigger group, but I like just being among people, not necessary conversing with them. Very often while being in a big group I just talk with a person standing next to me.

This girl very likely just wanted to involve you in a conversation, but did it in a very rough manner. I would just answer, that you are enjoying their company and their conversations and didn't feel the need to talk. You already know, what you could say, while you prefer to learn new things from others, but if she is interested, she is welcome to ask you questions.

It might have felt like an attack and even it might have been the one. So in this case my answer would be different. "Oh, you seem to have so much to say, so I was just giving you a space".

You don't need to change. You only need to learn to stand up for yourself and for your way of being among people. Your way is as good as anyone's else. And it's not a shame to be quiet. BTW I hate chatterboxes and learning a small talk is a waste of time.

No-one likes to be criticised in public, so this girls has a lot to learn, not you.

Dial Hard

One thing to consider is that shyness/social anxiety can come across as rudeness/aloofness to people who don't know you. It's still *extremely* rude to call that out in a group situation, obviously, but maybe that's what happened here.

I would try not to dwell on it, although I know that's easier said than done. As the saying goes, those who matter don't care and those who care don't matter.

Citizen2011

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058294518/upset

I’ve had that said to me twice at the same dinner. Didn’t appreciate it at all. But we have to stand by ourselves. Our personality are as unique as our eye colour so it’s just one of our traits.