Don’t know where I stand or am I overthinking everything?

BuCkoTroN

Well the background is that I’ve been casually dating this girl for about a year and a half.

Things have been great, we both communicate fairly well, the sex is great.

We don’t see each other as much as I like, I have severe social anxiety and depression which is totally something I’m continuing to work on.

She did have one rule to let each other if either of us started dating someone else I agreed totally and asked the same for which she agreed.

And I haven’t dated slept with anyone since her, It doesn’t feel right and I know given the arrangement that sounds crazy, she said it makes her feel special.

I visited her last week as she was not well and just to take care of her, so I bought some treats and drinks for her and went to her place about 20 minutes into talking and a bit cuddling and catching up.

 

She tells me that she’s gotten into an open relationship with someone else.

I won’t lie that I was shocked and disappointed, I shouldn’t be, but I do care for her. So she said am I okay with it, I said yeah, she and asked if I had any questions and I sad not really, more out of fear that I’d say something stupid what would result in an argument. I knew that she could tell that I wasn’t right in the head after hearing that.

So we continue hang out watch movies and drink.

She jumps on top of me kissing, grinding on me and have sex there and then.

So I stay over and have sex several times, the next afternoon I get ready to leave kiss and hug her then go.

I don’t hear from her, usually she sends me a text to see if got home okay and that she misses me so I don’t hear back for a few days.

I don’t text her myself I’m feeling confused and letting my self esteem/anxiety issues the better of me.

So fast forward she texts me something about her day and I respond back in kind and after a bit of banter she’s very affectionate in that still calling me the pet name she has for me. 

Then she asks if I’m feeling okay about her getting into an an open relationship, I tell her honestly I’m confused and having some of anxiety/self esteem issues thinking about it.

I fall asleep.

But she replies back saying I want to help with that, telling me all the qualities she loves about me.

And says she hates that this has upset me.

Wishing that she should have pushed me more to talk about it after telling me, thinking I needed some space to process it.

Iterating that I never asked for a relationship (for context she never did either and the reason I never did out of fears that I’m not good enough, rejection and that if we did that she would grow to hate me because I’m broken.)

Calls me her pet name and tells me I’m wonderful.

I respond back the next morning, appreciative of her affection reiterating that I’m still feeling the same lot of thoughts, confusion and racing through me.

She tells me that she is busy with a work thing which I knew was happening.

She says that I’m wonderful and focus on that.

But says that we could talk later on the phone about it and she promised that she would respond properly when she is free.

I couldn’t respond myself due a work emergency and didn’t get home till midnight I fell asleep on my chair while getting ready for bed so I responded the following morning and apologised for the late response and I’ll hang on till you are ready.

That was on Friday morning.

She read it but I haven’t still haven’t heard back.

The following morning (yesterday).

I sent her a message to wish her a good morning I hope that the work event went well.

I asked if she was free to talk.

Didn’t hear back and it was left unread and still is.

I gather that she’s busy with something so I go on with my plans. I noticed her car was not there when I went to visit my brother for his birthday to drop a present off (she lives near him) so she’s definitely busy so I’ll leave it alone till she is free.

What I’m feeling now is a lot of anxiety and confusion.

I’m wondering is it over now and I am letting my mind run rampant.

I really don’t know where I stand.

I’m fearing that I’ll never see her again.

I’m very introverted and have not got really any friends so I feel alone with no one to talk to.

Am being crazy and just over thinking everything?

Any thoughts would be welcome.

Princess Calla

She's not a mind reader you need to tell her how you feel!

When she told you about the other open relationship that was the time to say ..."well actually, I do care if you're shagging someone else, I'd rather us be exclusive"

Take it from there where the chips fall.

Right now she's probably thinking you're not overly arsed.

I don't think an open relationship would be good for you when you already have anxiety and social issues. (I honestly don't think they work for many people tbh)

I generally think it needs to be all or nothing, otherwise you're on the road to an absolutely brain melt of a situation.

BuCkoTroN

I know it’s totally my fault I’m hoping to remedy that as soon as she’s free.

I’ll give that a try, it’s likely that it’s too late, but I’ll at least know.

I hope not, she’s very much aware I’m stressed out over it.

It probably isn’t, I honestly don’t understand them either

I agree, I’m already my brain is currently melting, not understanding the situation.

xyz13

If she really cared about you she wouldn't be looking around.

*You can't make a wife out of a hoe*.

Onwards and upwards! Seek professional help and start working on your self-esteem asap.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Warning Applied:

Personal Issues/Relationship Issues is a heavily moderated forum. We expect replies to be civil and well-phrased. We do not accept name calling and ridicule. Please read The Forum Charter before posting in this forum again

BuCkoTroN

Yeah that thought has been in my head quite a bit since I found out.

I understand that when you are in a casual thing you aren’t tied down and can look if you want and pursue something else I’m not really sure if I can give out.

But after seeing her for so long, I would have thought she knew me well enough that it would hurt my feelings.

Yeah tomorrow I’m gonna go back to counselling, I need to find out why I date people who constantly let me down.

Dial Hard

Honestly, OP, if I was "dating" a guy for a year and a half and he'd showed no inclination to make it official, I'd be examining my options too. Where she went "wrong" is in not just having the "Where do we stand?" conversation months and months ago, or not just ending it and pursuing this other relationship as a single woman.

Keeping things casual for a year and a half suggests to me that neither of you were that pushed in the first place, or you're both either very immature and/or poor communicators.

Either way, I think this particular ship has sailed.

Next time, be open and honest from the get-go about what you want. This she-never-said-anything-so-neither-did-I nonsense is downright juvenile and this is exactly where it gets you - nowhere.

mingkim

Run. .and I mean fast ..next you will be marrying her....she is not marrying material. . she's just into the sex...get checked for sti if unprotected sex....delete her number and count your lucky stars you didn't get her pregnant.....there's no future ..you just feel rejected...but there was nothing there to begin with .

BuCkoTroN

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120510921#Comment_120510921

Been thinking a lot about going nuclear a few times and just cutting her off completely.

It doesn’t make sense is she trying to keep me around as a safety net?

I know, I have to accept that I’m not perfect and just hope someone accepts me for me rather that using it as an excuse.

Oh I believe you, I’m not fooling myself there.

I hope so, onwards and upwards as they say.

BuCkoTroN

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120510937#Comment_120510937

I can’t disagree and I should have had that talk.

Honestly I wanted to, I kept putting it off, I had a lot of issues during the past few months medical, family and was just scared of the outcome. Definitely poor communication on my side I’ll own that one.

I think so, I’m crazy if I think otherwise.

I will.

Yeah I agree, it’s very easy to get caught up in and you don’t think you did anything wrong I get it.

Big Bag of Chips

Keeping things casual for a year and a half suggests to me that neither of you were that pushed in the first place, or you're both either very immature and/or poor communicators.

I can't agree more with this, OP. "Casually dating" for a year and a half is madness. It indicates neither of you are that interested in the other. She's keeping her options open, and why shouldn't she? You've never committed to each other. She probably should have finished with you before she started with someone else, but as far as she was aware there wasn't anything to "finish". She made it clear at the start that this wasn't an exclusive thing and said if either of you started seeing someone else to just let the other one know. She let you know.

It looks like you had a fwb situation for a year and a half, that's possibly going to come to an end now. You invested more in this than she did, possibly due to your anxiety, possibly due to the fact that in these situations one will nearly always come away hurt from it.

She hasn't really done anything too wrong. The only thing either of you did wrong was let this "casual" arrangement go on for much longer than it should have. Learns from this and don't let yourself get into a similar situation again. If someone mentions "casual" you need to put a limit on it for yourself when you want it to move from casual to more serious. You might get your heartbroken a few times, but you'll also be more aware of what you want from a relationship.

YellowLead

It’s a big mistake to keep something casual going for so long when you clearly had feelings and wanted to be exclusive. This was only ever going to end in heartache.

If you want an exclusive relationship don’t say yes to casual ones. The damage is done here - clearly you were more into her than she was you and you were conveniently there for her while she looked elsewhere. If I were you I’d tell her that you have realised you don’t want to be in an open relationship and either she commits to you or you break it off and cut contact. I don’t recommend option one though even if she did go for it because you can’t really go back.

SEPT 23 1989

Nothing is casual for either parties when they meet the one

walk away now you are wasting your time

Tork

My take on this is that you were afraid to have "the talk" with her because deep down you knew what would happen. Throwing in those other reasons just reinforced your decision but they're not important. As a rule of thumb, most people find themselves unsure where they stand because they're involved with someone who isn't into them. They might not be able to identify this so clearly when they're in the thick of it but that's what it boils down to. It's also telling that she didn't raise the conversation either. It suggests that either she wasn't all that invested in this relationship or that she's a poor communicator too. You know her -we don't.

At this stage I think she has more or less drawn your relationship/arrangement to a close. That open relationship talk is a red herring here. If that was her thing, why didn't she discuss it with you before she did anything? I've seen a few threads here about open relationships and have seen the hurt and confusion they can cause. They suit some people but they're not who I'm talking about in this instance. For many others, they're a sign that their relationship is on the way out. Their partner has already set their eyes on somebody else and wants to put their toe into the water without ending their existing relationship. It's easier to go along with the arrangement than to lose their partner.

There's every chance she'll come back in the short term and try to act as if everything is normal. But it is a bell that can't be un-rung, isn't it? I think you need to cut the cord and move on. You're wasting your time here because you both want different things.

marilynrr

I’m wondering is it over now and I am letting my mind run rampant.

I really don’t know where I stand.

Is she in one of those open relationships where they have a 'primary' relationship and then the others (like you) are 'secondary'?.

She did have one rule to let each other if either of us started dating someone else I agreed totally and asked the same for which she agreed.

I'd be hurt that she didn't stick to this and only told you after she got into a relationship.

I think you'd be better off ending it entirely with her, sounds like it would all be a huge headwreck if not.

cj maxx

There's a bit of couda wouda shouda

But since you didn't say you wanted to be exclusive ar the start , now is the time to tell her your feelings and then she has to decide . Personally I've never got the idea of an open 'relationship '. That's not a relationship imo . If its bothering you so much you're just have to tell her you'd rather be exclusive. Imo of course

zoobizoo

"I’m fearing that I’ll never see her again.

I’m very introverted and have not got really any friends so I feel alone with no one to talk to."

This type of 'relationship' isn't good for someone with low self esteem, depression and anxiety issues......  and, most people would not get involved with someone like her because they value themselves and aren't worried about someone like her leaving because there are loads of nice women put there who are caring, considerate, loving, committed.

You're afraid she'll leave because you think that you have done something wrong. 

Wouldn't you rather someone "caring, considerate, loving, committed" who is mindful of your anxiety and esteem issues and helps you with them rather than someone who doesn't?

In brief: she doesn't care about you, the pet name is a way of keeping you dangling and you should take control and end it. 

Tork

It's also worth considering this from her point of view. Being with somebody with anxiety and depression issues is not for everyone and can be a very big ask. Also, because you're introverted and don't appear to have anybody else to confide in, you've become very dependent on her. Again, that's very draining and a lot to ask of anybody. Especially when they're not actually in a relationship with you. My feeling is that she has had enough and that's why she's dipping her toe into the dating world again. If she hasn't checked out of your arrangement already, she has one foot out the door.

Ann84

If you love her, tell her or you’ll regret it. You need to get out of your head now on this one.

There is nothing wrong with what this girl is doing but it’s seriously time for you to come clean, tell her how you feel and see what she says….

I hope it works out for the way you want!

irelandrover

You have two options here because clearly being in an open relationship isn't for you.

1. You just end it with her because of this and you anyways wonder what if.

2. You tell her you aren't happy with her dating someone else, you really like her and you want to be exclusive. Either she says no and ye break up, or she says yes and you have an exclusive relationship with someone you really like.

Mongfinder General

Cut her off. Once the attention and validation you’ve been providing isn’t there for her anymore, she’ll be in touch looking for answers.

I’ve no clue what you bring to the table but if she thinks that she’s better off on her own or with somebody else - you’re wasting your time, casual dating or otherwise.

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note - Some posts deleted.

As per the charter, please bear in mind;

• Personal Issues is an advice forum. Posters are required to offer advice or opinion to the OP in their replies.
• Replies are expected to be mature, civil and well phrased.
• Remember you are speaking to a real person who has posted a problem that is impacting them.

Purple Mountain

OP, it seems that you have an idea that because of your mental health issues, you are not worthy of a girlfriend or are afraid a girlfriend can't handle it.

If this is the case, then you need to be very honest and tell her you would like to be with her exclusively but have these fears.

Let her make the decision then.

You're keeping her at arm's length so you're neither this nor that, which obviously doesn't sit with her anymore otherwise she wouldn't be looking elsewhere.

Time to lay your cards on the table and be prepared for the outcome.

TheadoreT

"I never did out of fears that I’m not good enough, rejection and that if we did that she would grow to hate me because I’m broken".

This sort of self talk is so pessimistic OP. You really need to get therepy to reframe your mindset. We invariably act the way we see ourselves. If this is what you're putting out to the world it's no wonder she never saw you as more than casual and would eventually move on, if you don't think you're good enough, how could she possibly?

If you had a more positive outlook I'd imagine she'd have been looking for a relationship after a few months. Get some help and don't self sabotage the next one who likes you.