On the verge

jimjamjoneyjones

N/a

growleaves

Don't do it. You'll wreck your marriage.

Sometimes its better to let things pass by.

Ask this other guy to stop contacting you, delete his number and learn to realise that you do indeed deserve your husband.

The last part may be easier said than done, but a therapist would be able to help.

Good luck!

Pawwed Rig

It is a simple infatuation. We all get them but generally don't pursue them. You are pursuing it for some reason. This is a road that has 0% chance of leading anywhere good.

iniscealtra

This is a very bad idea.Think of the consequences. Delete the number. Go away for a few days with your husband. Take a break from the nights out. Focus on something else. Get a hobby. Have a good word with yourself.

skallywag

This will most likely come across as quite harsh, but having a couple of reads of your post PO, and the expressions you are using, it would seem to me that you are 15 and 40 ('im afraid to meet this guy. I’m afraid not to', 'I want to be good but i so badly want to be bad too!'....). 

I think you have let this progress far too far already, and the train has very nearly already left the station. It seems to me that you want this to happen, and are trying to validate the whole process of letting it happen. I am not trying to judge you in any way, and genuinely wish you all the best. I would question your opening statement that you are 'happily married' though.

Big Bag of Chips

You will destroy your husband if he ever finds out. Even as it is, without actually physically doing anything, you are betraying your husband. If he was behaving like this with a woman he met on a night out with his friends how would that make you feel? It is a betrayal of both him and your son.

Put a stop to it now. Because the longer it goes on, the weaker your resolve becomes.

jimjamjoneyjones

Thanks all. Appreciate the comments and know I need to pull my head in and stop contact outright.

@skallywag -you are right. I’ve allowed it to progress and allowing that in any way is wrong. There’s been a breach already and I can’t let it continue.

Honestly, flattery has been an ego boost and I’ve fallen for it.

my future is them, as is my past and i don’t want it any other way. I guess I got an ego boost and enjoyed the attention.

thanks

Princess Calla

Absolutely no good is going to come of this.

It's a flirtation, an ego boost nothing more. He could easily be feeding you lines. Sorry for being blunt but for all you know to him you're a "no strings f*ck"

You stand to lose so much.

If your marriage isn't working, finish it cleanly and walk away with your dignity and integrity intact. If you then want to enter another relationship off you go.

jimjamjoneyjones

Yes, I have thought the same. At the end of the day my husband would never, ever disrespect me like this. I have no intention of meeting him-but the thought was exciting.

realistically, a guy that pursues someone like me is a guy I couldn’t trust and a woman like me who allows it and engages in it doesn’t deserve what she has.

Big Bag of Chips

You might think there's great chemistry, and maybe there is. Being married doesn't stop you feeling attracted to others. But it's supposed to stop you acting on it. But also maybe this is just how he operates. And he's good at it. Has the charm and charisma to make you feel special. And he also makes others feel special too.

Think about what you have, and is it worth damaging it all for something that unlikely to last a lifetime.

FishOnABike

" I am so lucky I got this man, had his baby. Get to live my life with him-but I’m so confused. That spark I feel with him I felt with this guy! Why! Isn’t that only supposed to happen once?"

Isn't that only supposed to happen once? No - If it was and you met a new person every day of your life you'd only have about 1 in 150,000 chance of meeting 'the one' in your whole lifetime. You have met one and made a commitment to one and your son already.

You already have a husband and family that most people would consider themselves very lucky to have. Do you want to throw that away for a temporary thrill?

You are risking destroying everything you have and possibly permanently alienating both your husband and son for a temporary thrill.

If the other man thought anything of you he wouldn't threaten your happiness for the sake of his temporary thrill either.

Unless you want to wreck your marriage and walk away from your husband and son you need to stop before this goes any further. Cancel the arranged meeting (or date because that is what it is), do not text him again and block his number.

TheadoreT

There's something a little off about your posting here. If you still have that passion you say you do with your husband I don't think your head would be turned so easily. Its clearly not going to be absolute fireworks every time after 15 years, and obviously we can all get flattered or an ego boost by outside attention but this is different. It's an emotional affair. You gave this guy your number I assume, you welcomed the attention and agreed to meet.

Happy or content people don't entertain cheating like you have here so I'd try exploring deeper what's at the route and being more honest with yourself about those answers. Loyalty and having each others backs is great, but I feel theres a conflict here of you embodying those qualities and not admitting your loss of attraction for your husband. You say you don't communicate well with your husband. What things would you like him to do better or say to him if you felt you could ask without inhibition?

Dial Hard

Out of interest, how did this guy get your number to text you in the first place?

Goodigal

Delete his number, block him and don't engage with him. You have a very good life that you're about to wreck. Think of your trusting husband and forget about destroying him by doing this.

Cheating is about choice. From what you've described, you're about to make a very bad one IMO.

Oscar_Madison

you will feel like sh1te the second after you have sex with him- at that point it will be too late- you will be on a different path for the rest of your life regardless of whether you take the relationship any further or not- there’s plenty of time to back out now whilst you still can- but if you engage in an affair, that’s it, there’s no going back.

YellowLead

You made the wrong decision as soon as you gave him your number. As somebody else said, we all experience attraction for other people despite being coupled up - we are humans not machines - but if you are happily coupled up you won’t think about acting on it. You have gone much further down the road - giving him your number, texting away, and agreeing to meet. Life isn’t a tv show and in real life actions have consequences. There no magic formula we can tell you to stop feeling the desire - but we can tell you if you don’t want to act on it then just remember you are not an animal and are perfectly capable of controlling yourself. Tell him you made a mistake then delete and block.

Unless you subconsciously want out of the marriage - but cheating is not the best way to test this.

Large bottle small glass

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058292806/on-the-verge

Go into the local court when their is a family law list, and imagine your future. Try and spot a happy face

Imagine what life would be like if your son hated you from breaking up his home.

Girl Geraldine

What do you expect people here to do? Tell you, "yeah you should go ahead with the fling and it'll all be fine"?

You should tell him to stop contact and ye can't be in touch and block and delete him everywhere.

Seriously, if you do any of these things your marriage is finished. In my opinion you have already been emotionally unfaithful, you have been texting and flirting with this guy. That too is cheating. I think damage has been done. I think you should come clean with your husband. Confess what you have done so far. It will then be up to him whether or not to continue the marriage.

Personally, I think the marriage is already over. I think you should just end it. If you bother were truly 100% happy, this wouldn't be happening. Finish it and both of you can move on with life and find someone where faithfullness and respect is mutual.

lbunnae

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120491461#Comment_120491461

I'd echo that last paragraph.

Fred Astaire

If I was the husband in this situation and found out about how far you had let this progress, even without the physical affair actually happening yet, I'd be thinking divorce. This is already an emotional affair at the very least.

• You've met him twice.
• Gave him your number
• Engaged in weeks worth of flirtatious texting or sexting with him.
• Arranged to meet him to have sex with him.

You've betrayed him on a daily basis for weeks, actively progressing the situation to the point where sex is mere days away.

I find it absolutely incredible how little respect you have for someone you say has been so good to you.

Girl Geraldine

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120491538#Comment_120491538

I agree. It's caput.

The marriage is already over. You both just don't know it yet. The kindest thing now is just to finish things so ye both can move on.

TheadoreT

Imagine if one of his mates or family saw you flirting or getting this guys number in the pub. Its such a low respect thing for you to do. The risk alone shows what you think of your husband despite what you claim in your first few paragraphs. Actions speak much louder than words. And I'm not having this "he's too good for me" excuse. If you thought that you'd be doing the exact opposite, your actions show you actually think he's not good enough(for whatever reason you haven't talked about)

What did your own friends you were out with think? Do they not respect your husband either? Were they egging you on? Or did someone try to talk sense into you? If not you should probably get better friends.

Hooked

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120491538#Comment_120491538

SPOT ON!

Best thing that can happen here is that yer man gets his hole... then moves onto his next 'notch' and you then realise just how much you've hurt your husband - all for the ride. And you're left wondering how you could have been so stupid. Christ - the neck on some people.

Just for clarity - if you were my wife - we'd be done. The emotional act of cheating is every bit as bad as lying down and opening your legs...

Have you ANY idea of how rare what you have is. Or what you had... wept!

YellowLead

If I was your partner I’d be way more upset at how you have behaved to date than if you just banged him on the night and left it at that (clearly cheating and bad but not as bad in my opinion as setting it all up and deceiving your husband for weeks - like murder, it’s worse when there is intent). Not giving out to you for what you did, but your attitude about this is all very flippant and almost underplaying your role in all of this.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120491461#Comment_120491461

"Personally, I think the marriage is already over. I think you should just end it."

Ah would you get outa that! The woman has enjoyed meeting this chap, thinking about going further, but hasn't done anything.

Lots of people in relationships 'look' - as long as you don't touch that's normal human behaviour. Watch any woman below 50 out in public and men's eyes will be wandering over her. Are they all to end their marriages/ relationships just for doing what is natural? Rubbish.

Fred Astaire

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120491641#Comment_120491641

I'd be almost of the same opinion that she may as well continue on and learn the lesson fully, because the damage has already been done.

She will have to keep all of this from the husband regardless of what happens from here because if he knew the sheer extent of this betrayal there's a strong chance he would be gone. I would be, and you would be too.

Every day will be a lie from now on.

And all for some guy that will probably ghost her in 2 weeks time, leaving the lives of 3 people, including a child, in absolute tatters because she couldn't understand how good she had it. I find it disgusting to be honest.

OP - My advice, tell the husband, and show him some sliver of respect for the 15 years of respect he has shown you, so that he can make his decision - and then go and "be bad" with your Christian Grey fantasy.

So many of the comments acting like the affair would be the point of no return. No, we've already passed that.

Fred Astaire

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120491770#Comment_120491770

She has sexted with him for weeks, betraying her husband on a daily basis. Openly flirted with him on two nights out. Arranged to have sex with him.

This has gone far beyond looking.

This is a premeditated, calculated attempt at indulging in a fantasy and taking conscious steps over a period of many weeks to make it happen - behind the back of someone she claims she loves.

If it was a one night thing then I'd almost feel better about it too, as mentioned above. At least that would be more justifiable as a mistake.

This is like a daily, conscious mistake for weeks on end - taking very deliberate steps, engineering a scenario where she can have sex with this guy. This is full blown emotional cheating and a complete betrayal of trust.

shesty

It's what I call the "in a parallel universe, this could have been an amazing relationship" situation.

It could have.If you had met this guy first, in another timeline somewhere.But in this universe, you are happily married with a son.So I suggest this has gone far enough now and you need to text this guy, cancel next week, and block his number.

Pick up any "chick lit" book in a bookshop and you can see all the options of how this ends. You get together a few times, it fades away for him, he goes and you are left debating whether to tell your husband or not - and likely ending your marriage or living with the guilt.Or else you end up with this guy - and end your marriage.There is no way this ends well.

The ability to stop this is in your hands OP, there isn't much else to be said.

89897

You have a choice to make, you've already made some pretty bad ones but you have the choice to keep this going and wreck this great marriage you have or the choice to cut this guy off and salvage things.

If you want to salvage things, block this guy, dont meet him again, avoid him like the plague and the infatuation will wear off. Once he realises hes not gonna get what he wants he'll be over it too.

If you want to wreck it, at least have the respect to call it quits with your husband before you cheat on him.

You have a choice.

Block and delete this number or destroy your marriage.

Your call

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120491816#Comment_120491816

Of course, she's best advised to put it behind her. That's read. But telling her that the marriage is over is dangerous rubbish - who knows, this advice maybe others projecting their angst onto her.

fminus

Agree with most of the comments above.

I am the same age as OP’s husband. Both myself and my wife take good care of our physical appearance. I have no doubt that other men hit on her. I expect it. In isolation, it’s harmless and basically unavoidable as you meet new people throughout life.

BUT…

You leave it there. No swapping numbers. No follow up meets. Just take it as a compliment that you are still attractive to others and move on. Anything more is emotional infidelity and betrayal of trust.

After all, it goes both ways. Over the years I’ve had many women make it abundantly clear that the option was there, if I wanted to pursue it. But out of respect to my wife, I shut that **** down immediately. If OP’ husband is half as great as she claims he is, I’ve no doubt he has been presented with similar opportunity. I wonder how she’d feel if her he was secretly lusting after a younger women, messaging her daily and arranging to sleep with her.

Also - a final note of judgment on her friends. If she has been cozying up to another man twice on nights out in their presence, and nobody has said a word to her (or the husband), then clearly they are just as morally bankrupt as she is.

Maybe a lesson to everyone reading - if your husband or wife is good friends with people of questionable character, it stands to reason that they themselves might not be much better.

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Mod Warning: offer constructive civil advice without the personal insults.

Fred Astaire

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120491872#Comment_120491872

She could always tell him everything, in full detail, and let him decide for himself.

I seriously doubt that will happen because there's a good chance he walks.

This was far more calculated and deceptive than just a one night mistake. And some of the language being used in the OP, is like something out of a 50 shades novel. "I want to be good but want so badly to be bad too". Give me a break.

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Mod Warning: Please offer constructive civil advice to the OP, or don't post.

questioner22

like something out of a 50 shades novel. "I want to be good but want so badly to be bad too". Give me a break.

Yeah when I read that, I had doubts that the post was genuine. People are hardly that cringey or are they.

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Mod Warning: This is an advice forum. If you have no advice to offer, don't post.

TheadoreT

Yeah tbh I assumed it was fake too, mainly as the behaviour is very unusual if taking her words about her ideal marriage at face value. But we're meant to give benefit of the doubt here so the only rational is some serious emotional detachment issues that probably need therapy.

Snugbugrug28

People saying the damage is done and the marriage is over are WAY off.

The person who said once you have sex with them you can't take it back are way right.

We will all go through some sort of internal questioning throughout a marriage.

Flings are 10/10 in the short term. 1/10 in the long term. A respected marriage between 2 people who love each other is 8/10 long term.

For it to work you both need to make 2 deals, 1 with your partner to agree not to betray each other and another with yourself not to betray your partner.

Only the OP knows what's right but on the face of it staying faithful seems the right thing to do.

jimjamjoneyjones

Jesus there are people here who have axes to grind.

I wanted to say out loud what was going on. I didn’t want or expect anyone to say-sure,go ahead!

I just wanted an outside voice of reason to slap me on the face and I’ve certainly got that.

I never gave my number-it hasn’t been weeks and I didn’t agree to meet, but didn’t disagree either.

I am guilty of a lot and ungrateful for a lot.

I’ve seen in the comments someone say if he wants that of me he’s not a good guy. I know that. I couldn’t have gone through with it but that’s not just the betrayal-everything is.

I thank you for your comments and advice.

For those who have said it’s fake and cringe-who has time to draft fake requests for advice and if it’s cringe-then so be it.

the internal monologue was getting too much so I had to unload.

I didn’t expect cruelty though!

Thanks

Big Bag of Chips

A number of posts have been warned for falling short of the standard of reply expected in this forum.

All posters should familiarise themselves with the very specific forum charter here.