Met a great girl recently, like her a lot but her weight is off putting, feel shallow.

zzyxxrd

As above met a girl off an app a couple weeks ago. Have been on two dates, great chemistry nice person and she's quite attractive and we've kissed a lot even but I'm struggling with her weight; simply put, she is quite overweight and while I knew she was going to be curvy going by her pics (which I've no problem with) she is much bigger in person.

That's it really, I feel a bit shallow as a result but as I'm a fairly fit active individual and therefore lifestyles may not match up, I have my concerns. She recently had weight loss surgery and seems to be taking steps towards a healthier lifestyle but in the now it's an issue for me going forward. Very conflicted here.

I don't want to lead this woman on so have to decide over the weekend and what to say to her if I don't want to pursue further, any advice appreciated, TIA.

StevenToast

Ya...dont be beating yourself up...if you dont fancy her now, you sure as shìt wont in a years time either.......let her down easy, just say now isnt the right time for you to be starting something serious....

Knock it on the head....

What would you say to any other woman if you didn't want to continue seeing them after two dates?

Say that.

dartboardio

It's not the end of the world, you're not shallow for having preferences...

You obviously don't need to point out anything.

I don't like thin guys for example. so everyone has their preferences.

dartboardio

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120482625#Comment_120482625

what i do want to know is why you kissed her if you say she's too overweight for you? which is it, you either fancy and want to kiss her or you don't

is it a thing where you might feel embarassed to be dating the 'fat girl'? I know some irish guys have a thing about that.

zzyxxrd

Because I find her attractive (she is very cute) but not her body type? Also her personality. I don't care what other people think tbh.

Like I said, conflicted!

walshb

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058292550/met-a-great-girl-recently-like-her-a-lot-but-her-weight-is-off-putting-feel-shallow

Nothing at all to do with being shallow. Your take here comes across as a really decent and caring person. Best to nip it in the bud if you’re really not feeling it

89897

Is it that you dont fancy her because shes overweight or you think your lifestyles may clash? Either are valid but 2 dates in is way too soon to know what someones lifestyle is like.

walshb

Meant to add: is she someone who you think could lose weight, as in, it’s more weight due to lifestyle as opposed to “genetics?” If the former, maybe work on it

thegame983

Is she pressuring you into further dates? If so, then you might want to let her go, but if she is being chill there is no need to break it off. She obviously has enough going for her that her weight isn't a complete turn off. A casual affair with anyone, fat or otherwise, ain't that big a deal.

We've all hooked up with fat chicks dude. It's our bread & butter.

newmember2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120482642#Comment_120482642

I'm not getting it, you find her attractive, like her personality, and want to kiss her, where's the conflict?

unkel

@zzyxxrd - "She recently had weight loss surgery and seems to be taking steps towards a healthier lifestyle"

I presume gastric band? It will take a while for that and the healthier lifestyle before serious weight loss will happen. You like her, you find her attractive, you have chemistry. Why don't you give it a bit of time? You'd be doing it for all the right reasons. Be supportive of her in her decision to lose weight.

Dial Hard

You either fancy her or you don't. And if you don't, that's fine; we like what we like. But it sounds like you kind of might, but are second-guessing yourself because she's not your usual type or maybe even you feel like you're not "supposed" to be attracted to a bigger woman.

I say give it another date, go into it with your eyes, heart and mind open - without sleeping with her - and then have an honest check-in with yourself about how you really feel.

YellowLead

I don’t get that you ‘find her attractive but not her body type’ - then you don’t find her attractive. Either you fancy somebody or you don’t - I don’t get the conflict.

You gave it a shot and had a second date despite seeing her weight in person, I’m guessing you wanted to try because you got along and everything else was good. But you like what you like physically and there’s no getting away from that, that’s not going to magically disappear.

Im sure you won’t, but don’t mention the weight just say to her I’m sorry, you are a nice person but I don’t think we are compatible and leave it at that

dartboardio

It's kind of an Irish or European thing with some guys that they feel they shouldn't date the bigger girl, only applicable to some guys of course.

I find it a total different attitude living in some asian and middle eastern countries, as a size 16 woman I've never felt as attractive as the men here make me feel. They literally worship women that are on the slightly bigger/more curvy side. It's just interesting to see the different sides of the coin, where as most European or Irish men I've dated would definitely prefer a slimmer girl, here it's the complete opposite.

zzyxxrd

I'd say lifestyle tbh, it's obvious she's not happy with her current weight and from pics she showed me from before, it seems like an issue in the last 7 or so years.

zzyxxrd

The weight is the only issue tbh, as regards lifestyle I haven't brought that up yet because we've only been on the two dates and I felt asking what her "what's your weight/fitness goals" when she mentioned the surgery would be too on the nose and maybe even rude.

I really don't want to be insensitive here tbh.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120482801#Comment_120482801

What if she doesn’t lose it, what if she gets bigger, etc. You should only date people when you are happy with them as you are - it’s a dangerous game to date somebody while waiting for them to change, they will sense that.

zzyxxrd

I agree, that's my concern.

StupidLikeAFox

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120482816#Comment_120482816

If she got a gastric band then the weight is going to fall off fairly quickly.

xyz13

If she got a gastric band then she was *obese* in the first place, not just fat, never mind "curvy".

Get out and happy fishing!

screamer

Best to let her go and find someone who likes her, weight and all. Relationships are so much more than skin deep. She will lose the weight with weight loss surgery, but as I said, she deserves to find someone who will accept her as she is now, not when she looks good enough to be with them, there has to be more than what someone looks like to it.

pauly58

If she had weight loss surgery then you won't recognise her in a few months, the weight will fall off. My son's fiancee went from a size 20 to an 8, incredible.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120483279#Comment_120483279

The general expectation is that people will lose 50 per cent of the excess weight over the period of 2 years post surgery - a good bit is lost initially due to the liquid diet in the immediate aftermath.

30% of people end up having it removed due to not being able to stick to the diet and eating goals.

This example of size 20 to 8 is great, but that’s not going to be everybody who has that surgery. OP you’d need to be happy with her at a bigger weight because you don’t know where her journey will take her or how long it will take.

LilacNails

Op how would u feel if she did lose the weight, looked amazing and fabulous, but after time the weight creeps up again and ends up back to square one ? happens in a lot of cases and tbh it wouldnt be fair for her.

I think the right and best choice for u both is to move on.

TheadoreT

Big people generally stay big long term despite a lifetime of weight loss efforts. You're uncomfortable with this for one reason or the other so it's best you move on a let her find someone who accepts her the way she is.

raclle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120482801#Comment_120482801

She sounds determined and ambitious to me. Not content with the way she looks and wants to lose more. Its about how strong-willed you are.

BoxcarWilliam99

Chances are she will only get heavier as time goes on. We almost all slowly do.

Don't be stringing her along. Pull the pin but don't be mean about it

covidcustomer

You haven't said what age you are, but if you're a young person in your 20's then what you're doing now is dating, that's it, if you like her and enjoy her company then take it for what it is, I think that by looking way ahead as to potential pitfalls (lifestyle etc), you're missing out on the here and now.

Park the weight issue, go on a few more dates and have fun.

Who knows, she may decide after a few dates that you're not her type.

Tork

Even if she manages to lose the weight after this drastic solution, how compatible would you be? There are reasons why she ended up obese in the first place and it's too simple to just say she was lazy, sat on the sofa all day and lived on cakes and Big Macs. Some of that will have contributed to her weight gain but there's often a lot more going on too. Emotional eating, a troublesome relationship with food, possibly no interest in exercise, psychological issues etc. Maybe she would benefit from being with a guy who lives a healthier lifestyle and it'd work out for you both. Or it could drive you apart. Who knows?

It's up to you whether you decide to end it or not. But if you do, for god's sake don't mention her weight as a reason for it.

zzyxxrd

Yeah, like she doesn't have to end up being a supermodel here or anything, she's most likely always going to have curves which doesn't bother me in the slightest, but it's the excess weight that's a concern as shallow as that may sound.

It's probably unreasonable and unrealistic to just assume she'll shed the weight now she's got surgery, as another poster pointed out, theres almost certainly emotional reasons for it too. I'll have to take stock and see over the weekend I suppose.

raclle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120483997#Comment_120483997

But you said yourself she still seems unhappy with how she looks so how do you know she won't put in the effort to lose those extra pounds? It's going to take time as others have mentioned and she's taking steps to get there. Sounds like you don't want to wait?

zzyxxrd

Waiting to see if someone who may lose weight seems disingenuous and arguably isn't fair on that person either.

Caranica

Shallow doesn't come close. You are leading this girl on, if her weight is an issue it would have been an issue from the start so going on a second date was just cruel. Don't lead this girl on. She's working on herself and doesn't need your judgement.

Btw weight gain can be a medical condition or medication-induced. It's not always about over eating.

Some of the replies from posters on this thread are just cruel, I hope she never finds it.

At first I didn't think this was so shallow. Now I definitely think it is.

Someone could meet and marry a wonderful woman, and a couple of babies later she may no longer have the perfect body or be able to keep up with a particular lifestyle while also looking after a couple of kids.

Bottom line, if I thought a potential partner was measuring up the pros and cons of dating me like this on an internet forum, he would be dumped so fast his head would spin.

Let her go find someone who does not look at her and measure her up in terms of "pros" and "cons".

BoxcarWilliam99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120484093#Comment_120484093

Yeah but they aren't married or have had a few kids.

He's talking about her weight now . It will always be in the background. Best to go now and don't be stringing her along waiting for a change that might not come. In fact it's far more likely to go the other way.

Dont be mean just pull the pin now before anyone becomes attached.

He'll regret it otherwise

zzyxxrd

OK mods can close this now, I've been pretty fair with this but usual boards troll nonsense is kicking in now.

Thanks for the objective advice from objective posters.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120482815#Comment_120482815

"what's your weight/fitness goals" This question is not about lifestyle, only getting fit and slim. If you really want to discuss lifestyle, you can share what food you like and ask her, what she likes, the same is about finding out if she is an outdoor or indoor person. You can tell her what sports you like and if she likes exercising and general level of activity etc. You can do cycling or running or even extensive walking dates. If you will be too active for her, she might lose interest herself or she can take it easier later that you are not compatible. But it might happen that you help her getting slim...

But don't sleep with her till you know for sure because it might mislead you. Actually maybe you getting cold feet happened because it already happened?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120484105#Comment_120484105

I don't disagree with ending it now. I said the same.

But discussing her in terms of will she lose the weight and keep it off, or will it creep back on in the future - I think its degrading to talk about someone that way.

God help her if she doesn't attain the required standards and then maintain them.

I personally don't think that's very nice. If I thought someone was thinking about me, or discussing me in those terms, I wouldn't want to date them either.

Next.

BoxcarWilliam99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120484205#Comment_120484205

He met a girl and likes her but her weight is putting him off.

No amount of moralising and finger wagging is going to change the situation nor is landing home in lycra saying "I think we should go for a cycle". It's condescending and unfair on her. She has done nothing wrong.

Pull pin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120484229#Comment_120484229

Again, I don't disagree.

If her weight and lifestyle is of such cause for concern there shouldn't be a third date.

I would consider that unfairly leading her on.

raclle

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120484076#Comment_120484076

You know what to do so.

HildaOgdenx

Mod - Closed at request of OP.

Hilda