Life blown up

raze_them_all_

My ex broke up with me 7 weeks ago. 9 weeks ago I signed the contract to close on a house for us. 9 weeks and two days ago I caught her flirting with a work colleague and secretly planning to meet up.

I now live with my parents while she lives in a house that's soley in my name. How can that be? If I didn't move out she would move to the other side of the country with our child until she got social housing.

The last year she has struggled with her mental health and has refused to go back into therapy.

In the past year she has s/h'd told me how she would end it repeatidly, suicidal ideation for a lot of it. Was worried we would break up cos she wasn't sure if she was bi or gay. Has repeatidly broken up with me only for the next day to beg me to take her back and not to let her head win.

Hasn't really done much with our child on days off as she would be too tired or just couldn't face the world. So I had been taking our daughter to do things (swimming, play centers etc)

Gone from being physically intimate and affectionate to someone who doesn't want to be touched. She would wake up in a panic if I walked into a room while she was asleep.

Not going to lie I found this extremely tough the last 6 months or so, grew tired of not being able to move while she was asleep as everytime it'd result in a freak out. Got tired of my loving partner not wanting to even cuddle. Got tired of asking her to do stuff with me and also with our child just to be told no.

One of her issues with me is I used to just push everything to do with her mental health that effected me down until it blew my lid... So when I started communicating it like she had asked she used it against me.

I. E. Me telling her I found it hard not being affectionate or wanting me to be, finding it hard she doesn't want to do things with us, that I couldn't do another year of her not trying to help herself in anyway, trying to break up with me every few months cos of her mental health.

One of my biggest things that used to piss me off was she would just leave me sitting on her for an hour outside pubs.

Before Xmas we went out with some friends, her sister came to collect us, I went to get food, text her saying we were in the car, 60 mins she left us waiting, went to my sisters for a board games and few drinks, told her I wouldn't be staying passed half 12 but would go as she wanted to, 12:30 comes and I said hey i'mma go home you stay and have fun, no no I'm coming let me finish the drink, at half 2 she says she's actually going to say.

We went out to celebrate with friends the second day we moved into the house, they left for the pub around 6 ish while I was installing shower doors, I land in the pub for 7:10ish....they show up to the pub at half 9 as I was drunk going home pissed off being left sitting around with no updates and over her texting the other guy two weeks earlier.

The worst part is she confided in a friend that once probation in work was over she would be willing to go on medication or to a facility to sort herself out, so she knew how bad she was but wasn't willing to sort it out for months.

She then asked 3 days after we moved into the house if I'd do couples therapy with her and I said yeah actually I would, come back from work the next day and she has decided we need a break.

Absolutely shook I had questions, what do you mean a break? How long? Can we do a month in the house together and if it isn't getting better I'll move and give you the space needed.

A break I can't be with you right now, I don't want to live with you, I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't know, no more than a year i think. No I don't have the energy for you, for us and I don't believe you will move out in a month.

I kept asking questions and looking for her to compromise on anything but was shot down each time and apparently my reaction and questions turned a break into a break up.

3 days after our break up when she was supposed to have our daughter as I was working she shows up at 6:45 after being out all night session in another guys hoodie to look after our daughter... I've to call in sick as she isn't in shape to, she now claims she was but she wasn't sober enough to drive home.

Obvs this is biased from my side and perspective and I'm not looking for advice. I think I'm just looking to have it down somewhere, the insanity.

In the last 7 weeks I've been through all the emotions but have come to terms that my life has taken a complete change of direction. I'm not looking for advice or pity. I dunno why I'm even posting tbh

...Ghost...

Move back into the house or lose it. Start recording details and inform the Gardai that you're concerned about her behaviour and that she is unstable etc. She could get nasty and play the dirty tricks to basically own the house you are paying for under the threat of losing your daughter. The relationship sounds like its over tbh. She tapped out months ago.

Larbre34

Put the house on the market, flip it for +5%, clear the mortgage and walk away.

Then speak to a solicitor about securing custody of your child.

Be swift, be ruthless, be comprehensive. By the time she understands what the hell is going on, it'll be all over.

You owe her no part of yourself, least of all your own mental wellbeing.

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058290207/life-blown-up

 I'm not looking for advice or pity. I dunno why I'm even posting tbh

My understanding is this forum is specifically for people looking for advice. Maybe you could move your post to the Gentleman's Club if you want to talk generally about the issues facing men in relationships with...'troubled' women. Not sure it's helpful for you to be posting such painful personal stuff anywhere on boards tbh...

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Warned: It's up to each poster to decide what is helpful for them to post. Personal Issues is heavily moderated because of the personal and often painful nature of posts here.

Tork

This is a mess but you owe it to yourself you get the best help you can. For starters, you need to get legal advice as soon as possible about what your rights are. Not just about the house but what your rights as an unmarried father (I assume) are. If you let this current situation go on for to long, you're going to find out harder to resolve.

Also you would benefit from talking to a therapist and getting things straight in your mind. You've got an awful lot going on in there and for your own sake you need to tidy that up.

ChickenDish

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120413843#Comment_120413843

This ^

Record all instances or erratic behaviour & keep your cards close to your chest, its important to migate your ex's chances to weaponise your child as a bargaining chip - unfortunately this happens too often when relationships go south.

There are only two things you need out of this, sale of the house and unrestricted access to your child.

Duvet Day

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120413843#Comment_120413843

This is exactly what you need to do, she will threaten to move with your child, if you don't react she will then definitely pretend to have a change of heart and want to get back together, don't fall for it,it will only be a ploy,stick to your guns and don't fall any threats or promises because you will find yourself back in the same situation down the road. Talk to someone that you really trust and can rely on, it's really an awful position to be in so you need someone that has your back, make a plan and stick to it, good luck.

slay55

First thing is to seek legal advice on both issues

if you are not married, go for joint guardianship.

Airyfairy12

This is a really toxic relationship & it sounds like its been toxic for a really long time, long before buying a house. My question is, if things were so rocky why jump in head first & buy a house then tell her youd move out to give her space? I accept that she is has allot of issues here but I think its always a good thing to own your part in situations. This girl has expressed to you in her actions throughout your relationship, going by your post, that she's always had one foot out of the relationship. Sometimes a hot & cold distant partner that never lets you know where you fully stand with them can be intense & the push pull nature of the relationship can cause lots of confusion, ups & downs, this can be confused for love but in reality its just triggering something in you & thats whats making you stay in this chaos. Either way, regardless of the reasons it sounds like youre not compatible & reading your post that was evident long before you caught her flirting or bought a house & it sounds like being locked down by the purchasing of a house is what made her realise this isnt what she wants. You need to take control of yourself here & walk away, you left her in the house & told her you would do that so I dont think its fair to act like she's stealing the house off you. As others said, sell the house, cover the mortgage & move on. Theres no reason why you wouldnt get shared custody of your child.

ILoveYourVibes

OP I can't give legal advice etc.

But the kid shouldn't be around someone who was having suicide ideation I'm sorry that seems incredibly dangerous..

I hear a lot of thoughts about you etc your feelings. How is your kid?

I don't think you are being biased. But I do think you seem from the outside very self focused. Is your kid safe?

I would never consider a child to be safe with anyone who as having suicidal ideations and is too drunk after a 'session ' to be a parent.

This shouldn't be about you or her or you vrs her its got to be about what is best of for the poor kid.

Why did you rush in buying a house if you obviously knew things were rocky?

Honestly I think social workers need to review the situation with the kid. Yeah it seems that bad. What kind of start is that for a kid?

Regarding this woman 'troubled' ok one way to put it. I think you need to ask yourself why you are attracted to troubled women then?

I don't think you should go for joint custody. I think you should go for sole custody for you. At least in the short term. If she gets well and stops drinking you can then give her joint custody again.

Also I think you are beating around the bush in not saying that this woman clearly has an alcohol abuse issue.

Having been the daughter of a dad with alcohol issues I can tell you. ITS HELL. What is worse both parents tend to think in terms of the crazy paradigm that is there relationship instead of how do i make this healthy for the kid? But maybe Im projecting.

Don't think for a moment the kid doesn't know what is up.

Sunny Disposition

It does sound like you should be looking for sole custody. If what you're saying is true, that woman isn't in a position to take care of a child. Things are likely to get worse if she has to do everything for the child on her own.

JupiterKid

OP, It is clear to me that your soon to be ex-wife or ex-partner is a chronic alcoholic from the pattern of heavy, consistent drinking you describe and her mental health is very badly affected by the alcoholism.

I know this as I am a recovering alcoholic myself, now over 4 years sober.

She is simply unfit to be in any position of care over a child - you need to gain full custody your little girl - the welfare and safety of your child is paramount in this case. Given your ex-partner’s alcoholism, suicide ideation (or talking about it to gain sympathy and manipulate you), mood swings and constant lying you should be able to build up a case against her in the family courts if needs be.

As for the house, sell it as quickly as you can and split the proceeds to cover the mortgage obligations.

I’m sorry to hear of your problems but your estranged partner seems like a manipulative, self-serving, self-pitying alcoholic who has taken you for a fool and a doormat. Only she can change herself if she badly wants to. But right now she is dragging you and especially your child down. Get out ASAP and please put your daughter’s welfare and safety foremost.

Are you married? Assuming not. On that assumption....

If the house is solely in your name and you're not married there's nothing stopping you from going down and changing the locks. She is not renting from you, she is not a tenant and has no claim on your house after nine weeks solely on the basis that she is the mother of your child. If you're not married the Family Home Act does not apply.

Go pack up her stuff, change the locks and move back into the house yourself. The longer you leave her there, the harder it will be to get her out, and she might try to claim a tenancy. Honestly your ex sounds like a master manipulator and you've been taken for a ride.

Then make an application for a joint guardianship / full custody for your child based on your ex's threats and mental state.

You may already be a joint guardian. An unmarried father who lives with the child’s mother for at least 12 consecutive months including not less than 3 months after the child’s birth, will automatically be the guardian of his child. The three months period does not have to take place directly after the birth of the child. It can be fulfilled any time before the child turns 18 provided that it is part of the 12 consecutive months during which the parents have lived together.

You're going to have to come out strongly on this one.

Eircom_Sucks

My ex broke up with me 7 weeks ago. 9 weeks ago I signed the contract to close on a house for us. 9 weeks and two days ago I caught her flirting with a work colleague and secretly planning to meet up.

why go ahead with the house buy if this happened 2 days before it ?