Husband doesnt "Do" Valentines Day, Birthdays etc..

bitofabind

You knew 17 years ago that this man was not right for you. You literally jumped into the marriage knowing that, it started on a bedrock of "settling" so all of these issues and this misery are the result of that.

You're an adult OP, and you have autonomy and choice. You seem to have a track record of choosing misery and unhappiness, why? Why couldn't you approach the men you were interested in all those years ago? Why couldn't you make new friends when all your old ones got married and moved on? Why couldn't you say no when this fella that you barely knew and definitely didn't love asked you to marry him? You're an adult with influence over your own life.

It sounds like you feel like a powerless child with none of that influence though. Like you just plod along accepting the crumbs that come your way and feeling like you're trapped and can't live any other way. You can, but it requires the courage and honesty to look at your own role in all of this. For that I'd strongly advise committing to counselling for at least a year, since these types of patterns tend to be deep rooted and go back to childhood most of the time.

To a large extent you made your own bed here. And whether you stay with this man and die miserable and unfulfilled or do something different is entirely up to you.

AyeGer

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120233084#Comment_120233084

Marriage counselling sounds like a good idea.

Midlands Minnie

I am all over the place because I am unhappy and severely depressed and am trying to find it in my head to see what the best options are. I also have no confidence due to past family trauma. I know I made a mistake and I take some of the blame but not bloody all of it. I came on here looking for help, not to be told off like a bold child. I would love to be confident and to be able to do the things you mention above. You make it sound so easy. Have you any friends that are quiet or shy? They have their reasons to be that way. Think about them when you put words down on paper., Mind what you say to people who are hurting because I will dwell on this tonight and blame the whole thing on myself while my husband will sleep like a baby. Shame on me looking for happiness 17 years ago. Dont attack me please for looking for help.

Midlands Minnie

To be honest folks I think I will leave it here. Ive got enough out of the post, good and bad and I really dont want any more negativity, I really shouldnt have posted in the first place but I am naive and thought it would help. Thank you for the helpful suggestions though.

AyeGer

I feel for you both Midlands Minne being in a marriage that is struggling. The best thing to do as you mentioned yourself above is to go for counselling. Perhaps by yourself initially and then maybe couples counselling. Its far to difficult for people here to judge your situation from afar. Bes of luck and sorry if i came across harsh. That's probably coming from my own personal experiences.

And don't blame yourself its a very difficult place you are in.

Midlands Minnie

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120234125#Comment_120234125

Nothing to do with your posts AyeGer honestly, you didn't come across as harsh at all. Feedback is great when its constructive but I got pissed off at the previous post being all high and mighty. I dont need it. Everyone has things going on behind closed doors and if you have gone through similar then my heart goes out to you and hope you are in a happier place.

beeker1

The opening line of your post says it all , move on girl , we get one life , do what makes YOU happy , give your love ❤️ to someone who'll reciprocate! **** him !

HildaOgdenx

Mod Note - OP, as you have said that you have got enough from the thread, I will close it off at this point.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to offer advice.

All the best.

Hilda