What to do with a narcisstic mother in law??

December2013

It's hard to call her a mother inlaw but she is the least mother like person I have ever met in my life.

Years of abuse towards me. Passive aggressive. Indirect and when I'm on my own direct abuse. Of everything. Nipping and nipping at me waiting to me to explode. Waits for my partner to leave the room to have a go at me. Constantly putting me down. She comments on my hair, my house, my job, my kids my appearance . Copy's me with stuff. Starts making appointments where I make appointments. To now getting a job in the same place as me. I think she is upsessed. She copies things I say. She would ask me for advice and repeat it back to me as if it was her own and It didn't come from me. She would come come to my house and take things when I wasn't there. Use my WiFi. Take my food. Take household items.

She tells me she was the best mother ever. However she would send her kids off to her sisters an hour away every weekend school holiday and summer holidays. She only has a handful of stories on repeat to boast about her mothering. She likes to boast about herself and her belongings. However she spent most of her working life waiting for claims on unemployed and left her family in poverty. As I said she is now back at work.

When we would have family occasions - it would be ruined where for weeks beforehand she would cause trouble about everything that when it came to the day of events we would be in bad form because of her.

I have had enough. Im fighting with my partner over it. I have asked that she stops coming to my house. She is bully and I don't need be abused in my own home. She is grandmother to our 3 kids but she doesn't interact with them. She speaks to them when she walks in to the house and when she is leaving. She is no loss or benefit to have her in our lives. I told my other half she was not to come near us since September. She shows up at the house and let's herself in anyways. Uninvited and unwanted.

I am mithered. My head is going around in circles. She has some cheek and nerve. How can I stop this. I feel suffercated.

brokenbad

Next time she's having a go at you in private - secretly record everything and play it back to your missus. That will focus her mind

Big Bag of Chips

Why do you spend so much time with her? Why does she have access to your house?

Take steps to change both of the above and you will find your life changes significantly.

December2013

Sorry

The above is over a 12 year period. So I have taken a step back. Stopped access and she still walks in any time she likes

December2013

Good idea

Shauna677

move as far away as possible becuase otherwise you will never have peace.

December2013

Very true. I am almost an hour away as it is

Caranica

Lock the door would be a good start. If she has a key, change the locks. Or lock a gate. Block her on social media and anywhere else she can see what you're up to.

Big Bag of Chips

How can she just walk in? Why does she have a key?

I'd take it as a positive that she doesn't interact with your children. Would you really want her too? Bearing in mind she is who she is. She's not going to be any different with your children.

Change your locks. She'll get the message.

December2013

She had a key in the past. Not anymore. But she just lands to the house and lets herself in. Before Xmas I was home alone and didn't allow her in. She knocked on doors and windows. She shined lights in the letter box. She sat outside the house for an hour watching windows etc.

And no you are right I wouldn't want her to have any interaction with them. It's just her attitude making out she is the best grandmother ever.

I have her blocked on every social media platform and from ringing. If I didn't answer a call she would ring me on Instagram. Facebook messenger. WhatsApp. Mental

Caranica

That's bordering on restraining order territory!

Kalimah

I think the recording idea is a good one, particularly if she’s directly abusing you when you’re on your own with her. Time to play hard ball.

mykrodot

she sounds like she has some mental health issue going on, that's obsessive, compulsive territory! If that was a neighbour or a stranger you would be involving the police. Don't accept this behaviour just because she is your mother in law. She is a stalker.

Idle Passerby

What's your wife's stance on it? It's all well and good saying ignore your MIL but if your wife wants her mother to visit you can't tell her she can't see her own mother.

If your wife is on the same page as you, fine, your a united front. Work together to make sure the relationship is at a level your comfortable with.

NSAman

Stand up to her. Call her out. Hate to say it, she thrives on winding you up.

once called out she will be even worse. Be prepared. Throw the best mother stories back at her all in one go. Then she has no where else to go with these stories.

do NOT loose your cool. That is normally what they (narcissists) want. It’s a form of jealousy.

with the locked door thing, I would have opened the door after the hour and said ” oh I didn’t hear your. What did you want?”

you have to break the “control” she thinks she has. No phone, no WhatsApp, no messenger….block her on all platforms. One and only one method of contact.

your partner will have to back you or this is all a waste.

Calahonda52

Barring order for coercive bullying

Dial Hard

I'm pretty sure the OP *is* the missus in this equation.

OP, where is your partner in all of this??? I find it hard to believe your MiL has successfully kept the level of interference you've described under the radar for 12 years. You need to have a serious sit-down with your partner and agree a plan - together - for dealing with their mother. It's going to be next to impossible for you to set boundaries by yourself after this amount of time.

As a matter of interest, is your Father in Law on the scene?

December2013

Yes ik the missus.

Father in law has to be careful what he says around her. She's a bully to everyone but has **** all people involved with her. He stammers when speaking when she is there and doesn't when she isn't there .

Partner has told her to stay away but he borrows money from her so he keeps her around for that. She doesn't listen to anyone but I have witnessed their neighbours and friends barring her from their homes. She doesn't get on with her husbands family either. The stories told she is always the victim.

Don't know how it lasted. Covid was a great escape. Not much you can do when they keep showing up to the house and letting themselves in.

Dial Hard

But you said she doesn't have a key anymore, so how is she still letting herself in???

Count Dracula

Have you tried some mild flirting or maybe the odd compliment? It puts the focus of attention back onto to her.

Most narcissists can only tolerate what they feel or want, but they want you, more than anything else , to be in awe of them in whatever shape or form their delusion is evolving.

Putting pressure on you partner is a bit weak don't you think? I would try to keep your partner out of it. Are you a same sex couple by any chance? By hiding behind the wing of your partner she may sense that you are uncomfortable with her?

Make her feel welcome and comfortable and afford her the respect she is seeking from you. Most in-laws are generally a pain in the bolleex, it is up to you, to manage how they impact on your life? Trust me, a bit of charm will go a lot further than making her feel unwanted or unwelcome.

Also, narcissists only exist in their own world, where they cognitively believe everyone is watching them. Be careful when turning that switch on or off. If it is that the conflict is her orchestration, you won't be able to fight fire with fire, narcissists are only capable of dealing with themselves, no one else matters, not even their children's lives, all they are is an extension of their own and they firmly believe it.

If she is not a narcissist you are in deep do do I am afraid, as reading between the lines, it appears that she deliberately disrupts your life and is progressive about getting in your face, like daily? There is every chance that she is not suffering from what you are implicating her with? If that is the case she really does not like you, worries for her child's future and is doing her best to keep you in toe?

Start buying her things she likes every now and then. If she can't stand you that will really irritate her, double down on that passive reaction by showering her with compliments, it will benefit your relationship if she is one, they adore compliments. A Narcissist has two main traits that really stand out, the first you should have noticed by now is a complete overreaction to any form of criticism, they cannot deal with it, expect the reaction of a 2 year old not getting their sweets and directly in your face too, the second trait is zero empathy, she either hates you or doesn't even think about you, which one would you prefer?

December2013

Door is open. With the kids coming and going. Door gets locked at night thats how everyone lives here.

Dial Hard

Start locking it. Doesn't matter what everyone else does.

And ignore everything Count Dracula advised above. You can't deal with this without your partner's buy-in.

December2013

No we aren't a same set couple.

My partner tells me she is jealous of me. She idols my partner who is her only son. She treats him like her partner confiding in him about her husband nd her problems etc. It's weird. I don't feel they are as close as she likes to think they are.

That is very good advice. I don't know if I can fake it anymore. It's gone too far. All I have is hatred towards her. Getting a job in the same place as me was the final straw. I feel suffercated and pestered. She is everywhere like a bad smell.

For ages after being in her company I could never understand why I felt so emotionally drained and exhausted for days

I am mithered. My head is going around in circles. She has some cheek and nerve. How can I stop this. I feel suffercated.

You can't stop this.

That's the bottom line. She is a narcissist and that is never going to change. The only thing you have the power to change is you and how you react to her.

My advice would be to change the locks, minimise any contact from this point on.

Your husband's lack of support? Deal with that as a separate issue.

Big Bag of Chips

Why not have a stand up row with her where you tell her to fk off and never darken your door again? What's the worst that will happen? She'll go off crying to someone that you're mean? Who do you think is likely to take any notice. As you say, you're not the only one she has run ins with.

Your partner doesn't want to rock the boat because he needs her. The fact he borrows money from her means they are both getting what they want from their relationship. He gets a dig out when he needs it and she gets the power of knowing you (both) need her.

Why is he borrowing from her? Are you struggling financially? Is he living beyond his means? You have two very separate issues there. Both of them need to be dealt with.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120198545#Comment_120198545

Before Xmas I was home alone and didn't allow her in. She knocked on doors and windows. She shined lights in the letter box. She sat outside the house for an hour watching windows etc.

I have to admit, this would have been the breaking point for me. I would not accept being subjected to this in my own home, and would have come out, guns blazing.

Like BBOC says above, maybe you need to have a confrontation, once and for all, where boundaries are put in place and she is told very plainly to stay away from you and your home. (Doesn't have to be aggressive, just firm).

Sorry to be blunt, but your husband needs to pick a side and if its not yours, than you have much bigger issues, as everything else will be pointless if he does not back you up.

I'm not saying he has to cut off his mother completely too, he is entitled to have a relationship with her if he wants one, go visit her, etc, but he should not be enabling her in her abuse of you, which is what he is doing if he is not supporting you.

Count Dracula

Narcissists can be managed. Plenty of compliments and mild engagement, you can push the boat out. Tell them everything is a great idea and you would never have etc etc. Doing otherwise will just make them pull hissie's and that will spoil whatever is happening. don't ever attempt to directly influence one, total waste of time.

She is picking on you to get your attention. it will never stop unless you find a way to manage it. Start by practicing terms of endearment and generate a unique fake laugh that she believes is genuine. It is called plamausing and it has been practiced by earnest in laws for 1000's of years, give it a go as an alternative to locking doors to your own living space? Take control of something that you are not in control of. She may even admire your initiative?

Sunrise_Sunset

I feel for you. I've dealt with a narcissistic parent in the past, but it was my own. He got worse and worse as the years went on. As it was my own parent, I was able to go no contact and not have any backlash from my partner. But you are in a very difficult situation here with it being your partner's parent. He might not understand or believe the magnitude of the abuse you are suffering, seeing as she waits until you are alone to really unleash. In that case you should definitely record her and prove this to your partner. He may think you are being overly sensitive right now.

I understand the toll this is clearly having you. I think you will have to get your partner on board though, to some degree anyway, or else it will lead to a very unhappy relationship.

saabsaab

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120201361#Comment_120201361

Yes lock your doors then she can't get in easily. If others in the family need access give them a key. Get a dog too?

herbalplants

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058282772/what-to-do-with-a-narcisstic-mother-in-law

God next time she is at your home, call me. 🤣 Would love to take her apart.

Honestly you need to grow balls, big balls and just tower above her and look menacingly at her, just smirk in her face and state her and don't respond to her, make her doubt herself, make her wish she never lay eyes on you ever before.

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058282772/what-to-do-with-a-narcisstic-mother-in-law

Does you’re husband stick up for you?, my mother had the same experience but her husband never stood up for her