Is this a normal way to feel about your child?

SleepdeprivedSheila

I have a 19 month old boy, he's healthy, happy, super funny and there is nothing about him I don't adore.

However, I turned 40 just before I had him and OMG he has so much energy I feel like I'm just too old (and I am fairly active and fit). He is a bad sleeper, like, he wakes 3 - 4 times per night - just for cuddles and bottles (which he just can't seem to give up). He's in creche full time and seems to go down for his nap very handily for them at the same time each day but we could be 3 hours trying to get him to sleep - and I would find it hard to believe we haven't tried absolutely everything at this stage to help with this.

Myself and my husband have no support - both our parents are either too old or unwell to help us in any meaningful way. I have one sibling who hates kids and lives abroad and my husband just doesn't have that kind of relationship with his siblings. So, it's just the two of us, my husband has a demanding job and isn't really very good at the domestic stuff so I feel like my whole life is spent either working, chasing our toddler, doing house work or domestic chores, or not having a very good nights sleep because he wakes up so often.

I'm just completely burnt out and I'm starting to notice that like, when he's asleep in my arms and won't let me put him in the cot - i'm like, super agitated and want him to just sleep so I can have a break. Surely I should be able to just enjoy this moment with him, I'm so afraid he is picking up on my energy and will feel rejected by me trying to make him sleep in his cot. I also noticed that I felt really overwhelmed that the creche was closed for so long over Christmas, the 11 days of us spending up to 3 hours daily trying to get him to sleep was just so much - but now I feel so guilty when I think about this, like, wanting a break from him so much. Is that a normal way to feel? Or just desperately needing the break from him as it's so hard to get anything done when he's here as he is usually trying to climb out a window or hack the stair gate.

Thanks for reading if you made it this far

L

HerrKuehn

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058279915/is-this-a-normal-way-to-feel-about-your-child

Well, it seems totally normal to me. Being a parent is really hard work. The good news is that is starts to get a lot easier once they get a little bit older.

kilsmum

Would you consider a sleep therapist? My grandson who is much younger wouldn't sleep unless he was in his parents arms.

My son and his partner did the consultation online because of covid and their lives were literally transformed. He still isn't great to sleep through the night, but he goes down now with no trouble and the same with his naps during the day. It made a huge difference to them.

Kilsmum

Apiarist

It's normal. Try to maintain a routine, make the kid eat/play/sleep at the same time of the day every day. Make him sleep in his cot, no feeding at night, he is not a baby anymore.

the_amazing_raisin

Yeah this sounds pretty normal, parenting is hard work and toddlers need a lot of attention

Try not to be so hard on yourself, if you're overworked and sleep deprived and someone is constantly looking for your attention then you're going to be a bit cranky, there's nothing wrong with you, you're just human like the rest of us

If there's any way to reduce your workload then I'd seriously consider it. Maybe getting a cleaner in for a couple of hours every two weeks would reduce the burden on you. And I'm sure your OH could handle loading the washing machine in the evenings (as a man I can confirm that we are capable of leaning such things)

I think your main focus should be the sleeping, if you can get your son down to even one waking time at night then it'll help a lot. If you do try changing his sleeping habits then do it at the weekend when you don't have any work commitments

Don't worry, it will get easier in time

Photobox

Totally normal. Babies and toddlers are exhausting. It will get easier.

notAMember

Yes, the baby is normal. Although, if it's taking 3 hours to put the baby down for sleep, try starting an hour or so later, or shortening the daytime nap. Not all babies need the same sleep.

What's definitely not normal is your husband. Tell him to get up off his arse and get good at the domestic stuff, asap. What century does he think this is? You're working too, you're not his domestic skivvy. He can do the night time bottles for a start.

Squatman

completely normal, que the feminazis

get your husband to put the baby to sleep. Have him place the baby in his/her cot, and let nature take its course. drop in/ out intermittently, and let them know youl be back in a minute., and keep popping back. when they realise theyre not getting out, theyll go to sleep. I can get my kid to sleep in minutes, where as wifey takes up to 3 hours. part of it is becuase she enjoys it, part of it is because she feels guilty. While hubby is putting baby to sleep, you hit off for a walk for yourself, and be back an hour or so later. and dont ask how it happened.

Squatman

Rest assured, i do not at all suggest that theyll go down quietly.

Squatman

oh, and dont forget, this is whats ahppening at the creche, but also, the creche wont give a fiddlers dam what time your kid goes to sleep at. so if that routine changes, and it will, those evenings will always be harder to get them to sleep

Xidu

very normal

i can’t cope when I was in early 30s I had 2 kids and they exhausted me!

now I am in 40s kids are easier but I have 2 dogs now they are worse than kids 😂

mumo3

All perfectly normal…. Like any parent we love our kids but Jesus we could strangle them at times!! Unfortunately a study carried out said a parent doesn’t get a full nights sleep for the first 7 years of their Child’s life 😂 but we survive it.

My advice is if you’re struggling for that long to put him down leave him too it…. It’s not worth the heartache, let him fall asleep on the sofa if you must, once he’s not running a muck!! My eldest would only settle in her buggy every night until she was about 3, and after the struggle I went through I couldn’t have cared where she fell asleep, because it was an improvement from having to put her in the car and drive her around.

Don't put yourself under massive pressure for bedtime, take a break from it and try again in a couple of weeks. Not all kids are the same, with bedtime routines and you’ll come to find his….. just relax take a breather, and remind yourself “you’ve got this” enjoy him, I know your tired in the evenings but enjoy him while he’s still little enough to pick up and cuddle, because they become long, gangly, irritating teenagers before you know it

Cunning Stunt

Completely normal if you ask me. My husband and I also didn't have anyone to fall back on to look after our kids and it was a hard slog when they were both small. Some people don't know how good they have it, with aunties /uncles and grandparents all willing & ready to take some of the burden off them. But I echo what another poster said - it does get easier as they get bigger - hang in there, you are doing a great job!

Goldengirl

Normal baby , normal mammy . Just worn out as itis a busy time fir you .

Could be he wants to reduce his nap , some children don't need to nap as long as others . Talk with the creche about this . They should adjust to your routine not the other way round.

I had one who dropped his nap between 12 and 18 months and we could never get him down if he then fell asleep in the car or the buggy on the way home 😁 It was a shock as my others were all great nappers. .

Agree with the other comments about getting your oh to do the nighttime routine . Your toddler will sense if you are stressed/ tired and will play on this.

It's just what they do . Gas to look back on but not funny to go through.

Take care of yourself and make extra sure you are getting enough rest and excercise and eating well .

It is so important that you talk to your husband and try to get through this stage together . Both of ye need to be on the same page from now on. Maybe you could have an evening every week where you both take turns cooking a nice meal or going out for a drink . Do a blitz together on the housework for a couple of hours at the weekend , shouldn't all be one person .

This is a high pressure time for your relationship and there will be other differing pressures so how you deal with this together is a template for future difficult scenarios .

Enjoy your little boy , they are grown up so fast .

shesty

All very normal.Toddlers are exhausting.I had my 3 in my 30s, and when I look back at what I had the energy for on my first, vs my second and third......I turned 40 last year and without doubt have felt on and off in the last year or so that I just can't keep up with them at weekends.

The caveat to my statement is that I am not a good parent without sleep - I know that and I had to work to get mine into good sleep patterns.19 months it is normal for him to wake at night.For yourself - and I am saying that because people have very strong opinions on sleep, and what works for one person does not always work for another - but for yourself, because what is going on now is obviously not working for you as a parent....I would look at cutting out the nightime bottles and reducing the length of time taken for him to go to sleep, to start.He can give up the bottles but you have to guide him through that.Put it this way, he has been having nightime bottles his whole life.All 19 months of it.He doesn't know night is for sleeping the whole way through, his body is in the habit of waking and getting a bottle.You have to lead on that, it is very unlikely he will suddenly do it himself probably until he is a good bit older.

I think a sleep consultant or similar would be a good investment for you for assistance.I could get into the different ways to assist him in changing some habits but being honest, everyone differs on that and I don't want to go down a rabbit hole here of who is right or wrong.He will wake at night for a while yet but you can get him slowly in the habit of dropping back off to sleep again.All very normal though and it does take time.

Husband needs jobs..A list is easily done.Habits need changing - harder for a grown up than a toddler, I might point out - he can empty dishwasher, clear the table, wash pots, load a washing machine or dryer, take out bins for starters.He'll have to be told though unfortunately and you'll have to drop your standards - what does "not very good" mean??Not the way you want it or that he just doesn't notice stuff to be done?That too is normal....but sit down, lay it out for him, and give him his jobs.Has to be done.

Humria

It's completely normal to feel the way you do. Especially if you have no help! You cannot enjoy your child when you're exhausted and burnt out. Our now 2 year old was a terrible sleeper (and still is not great). I went back to work after a year and although we had to adjust to the creche I can tell you my quality of life got so much better. The main reason for that is that my husband had to start doing some of the night shifts with our toddler. I actually got to sleep every second night.

A couple of things from experience I'd suggest.

Firstly, your husband needs to help at night. I don't care how demanding his job is, you still need help. He can also help at home as others have said. I think when you are working you can underestimate how difficult it is to look after a toddler all day long.

Get a cleaner. It's worth the money.

Start to wean the night bottles. Do it one bottle at a time and put 30ml less in it every 3 days. Sucking is a very soothing experience for a toddler so even if he has a empty bottle he can reach for at night so be it.

This is not a suggestion but just what we did. We put a double bed in his room and put one side against the wall and put a bed rail on the other. It meant we could sit beside him until he fell asleep at nap time and then leave once he was asleep. One of can end up lying beside him until he falls asleep again in the middle of the night before going back to our own room. It's not ideal but it's what worked for us.

Akrasia

Your husband needs to step up here IMO. The 'I have a demanding job' doesn't cut it as an excuse to leave you doing all of the childcare, especially if both of you are working

When we had our kids, my wife took time off work but even though I was working, I still got up in the middle of the night when the kid woke up and I still helped put the kids to bed (some of my happiest memories actually, were singing my daughter to sleep)

There are two parents and one child. If the burden was shared all 3 of you would benefit

But like all the other comments on here, being exhausted is normal for parents of kids this age. They are hard wired by evolution to suck up every last ounce of energy from their parents to give themselves the best chance to thrive.

It does get easier, but again, part of that is parents weaning the kids as much as the kids maturing on their own.

Akrasia

https://youtu.be/kgo38DIVfMY

This is a little video of me getting up at the crack of dawn with my daughter, she was 19 months at the time.

It was tiring, but looking back 10 years later, I wouldn't trade these moments for the world

Scotty #

All perfectly normal but if it's taking him 3 hours to fall asleep at night then he's not tired enough. Ask the crèche to reduce or eliminate his day time nap and see if that helps.

sanbenito

My daughter is now 23 months and when she was 16 months I felt exactly the same as you do now. We had got stuck in a habit of rocking her to sleep at night from approx 9 months. Nights involved holding her for 30-40 minutes at bedtime to get her to sleep, followed by 2-3 wakings during the night where we would need to hold her and rock her back to sleep again for anything up to an hour.

We just needed to break the habit of rocking her to sleep and once we did she started sleeping through the night pretty much straight away. We tried a few times ourselves but in the end we got a sleep consultant, who came and stayed 2 nights in our house to help us. It basically involved putting her to bed awake and gently stroking her back to keep her calm until she fell asleep, and then slowly phasing that out over a few nights until we could just leave her in the cot to fall asleep alone.

The sleep consultant cost approx 800 euro, definitely the best 800 quid I have ever spent, can send on her details if you would like to contact her.

Wezz

You feel burnt out because you are burnt out. Parenting young children is exhausting and you are taking on the lions share without much help. I agree your husband is taking the easy way out here which is just adding to your tiredness. Demanding job or not he is just as responsible for that child and him getting a full nights sleep while you are walking through life like a zombie is unacceptable. This may indicate a pattern of behaviour that will continue so nip it in the bud.

Neyite

Himself needs to step up, demanding job or not. On both sides of the family every single dad (and mother, bar one!) has a demanding job, and it's not used as an excuse. Even the stay at home mother had a big workload due to additional needs of the child so the dad had to do a chunk of the housework. And if he's not good at it, sorry, tough sh!t, he needs to figure out how to get good at it.

You'll still be knackered and stressed but at least you'll feel like you are both in this together. And see if you can sort out the sleeping, you'll feel like a new woman when you do!

The other thing we did was just...lower our standards a bit. The house got messy with toys and piles of clean laundry, but as long as I had a clean bathroom and a clean kitchen the rest got it's Saturday morning clean and that was it for a year or two.

It gets easier, you are just in the eye of the storm right now.

Kerry25x

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/120120403#Comment_120120403

Hi, could you please send me the details for that sleep consultant? I'd really appreciate it! I have a 20 month old poor sleeper and another baby on the way.