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Finding it hard to function Heart broken

  • 03-01-2023 3:37pm
    Registered Users Posts: 26

    Hi Everyone,

    Thanks for taking the time to read.

    My ex finished with me 6 months ago and as time has gone on i have slowly got worse, I am mid 30s and she was mid 20s,it was a 10 month relationship.

    It's my fault it ended to give a bit of background, at the beginning of the relationship (when we were first seeing each other) she got a message one night at 2.30 from a married guy from her job (she told me they kissed in work before),she also had a pic up on her Instagram in her stories with a guy she knew, she said he never stops txting her and i asked was she with him before,she said " yeah i slept with him a few times". One time we had a row and didn't talk for a day and when we got back talking she told me she had downloaded tinder because she thought we were finished but said she didn't txt anyone on it.

    There was a few other things too at the start but i should have never brought any of it back up, which i did during the relationship, not all the time but i did at times, it was insecure on my part.In the end it i pushed it too much and she walked away, i was devastated i have to say .A week before we broke up she told me she couldn't wait to we have kids together etc and that i was the best boyfriend in the world etc. She was back on dating app 5 weeks after we broke up.

    The guilt knowing how childish i was bringing stuff back up and that i lost a great girl is killing me. I have my own business, my own place and people tell me i'm a good looking guy.My confidence is on the floor,i feel like i messed up the best thing that happened to me.i have been going to therapy every week but the last 4 weeks i have really gone into a tough place mentally.

    Any advice would be hugely appreciated.




  • Registered Users Posts: 1,786 ✭✭✭DownByTheGarden

    When you put pre3ssure on people by reacting when you get answers you dont want to hear to questions they dont want you to ask, dont be surprised when they start just telling you what you want to hear all the time.

    The reality is that she probably told you she wanted to have kids because she thought it was easier than telling you she didnt. Thats no basis for a relationship and you were clearly not suited to each other. Learn and move on is all you can do.

  • Registered Users Posts: 26 heartbreak

    Thanks for the Advice,they're good points you made.

  • Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind

    Listen, it's a break up so it's going to suck. Life ebbs and flows, great things, **** things and then the in-between mundanities. This is in the "**** things" column and you just have to ride it out. Let the feelings flow through you and you'll be left with a big dose of perspective and clarity as to what you need in a partner by the end of it. Stick with the therapy, it really is IME the best investment a person can make into their mental health and long term happiness.

    Explore the relationship issues with your therapist. They might teach you a few things about yourself. From an outsider's perspective, this doesn't sound like it was a healthy relationship. Your ex was entertaining attention from other men and not putting your mind at ease about that; you in turn couldn't trust her at all and get passed the problems you were having. That sounds like a turtourous place to be tbh, not knowing where you stand with someone you love and waiting for her head to turn. I'd never tolerate that in a relationship, yet you did and you gave her the power to hurt you instead of walking away. Teasing that out with a professional might lead to some revelations about your own patterns in relationships so you can be a healthier version of yourself as you begin to start dating again.

  • Registered Users Posts: 22,994 ✭✭✭✭recode the site

    There is somebody out there who will love you and whom you will love in return without having to be looking insecurely over your shoulder all the time.

    Nothing Known Talent Management Ltd

  • Registered Users Posts: 443 ✭✭Kurooi

    Sounds like you dodged a bullet there. She is very loose with her loyalty. 10 month relationship and you had multiple counts of having to talk through her sex affairs, work and tinder adventures? You're having rows? Ridiculous. And after that you're talking about having kids? You were both deluded. This is a terrible rocky start, this was not a good relationship. Try not to grieve it.

    Enjoy time alone, do something for yourself, nothing brings your image and confidence up like knowing your self worth. If and when you find someone better it will put this all in perspective. PS she will likely call around again within the next 5 years. Don't.

    As for the mental low, focus on other relationships. Friends, family, work. Just be with people, positive people you want to be close to.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 18,007 ✭✭✭✭bucketybuck

    Sounds like you just need some perspective. Was she really the best thing that ever happened to you? Really? Or have you just given her that label because she was your most recent relationship?

    Because from what you write it sounds like a short fling with an immature girl in her twenties who brought all of that nonsense drama that such people bring. It sounds like you were insecure because you knew you were at different stages of your life, so just how is that the best thing that ever happened to you?

    Going on Tinder because you didn't speak for a day? Kids one week and break up the next? Sleeping with guys at work and getting late night messages from them all? Thats just young girl drama that no sane man actually wants or needs.

    Stop eulogising her, recognise that your regret comes from the fact that you were never comfortable in the relationship and didn't even have control about when it ended, so what you really want is some alternate world where you try again and every single thing goes differently. It isn't going to happen.

  • Registered Users Posts: 423 ✭✭Goodigal

    Don't want to sound rude but I don't think you lost a 'great girl' there. She downloaded Tinder and told you so when you had an argument for a day. That should have been the point to end it.

    Sorry you're not feeling great right now, but it sounds like you have a lot of positives in your life. Acknowledge them and move forward - as others have said, spend time with family and friends to surround you with people who love you. And don't be afraid to admit you're struggling a bit to a close friend.

    You might have thought she was the one but that's more drama in 10 months than anyone needs. You need someone better than her to make you feel secure in the relationship. Go back on the apps and have some fun. There is someone out there for you. You deserve so much better than that messing.

  • Registered Users Posts: 500 ✭✭✭PaulJoseph22

    Sometimes in life the worst things can turn out to be the best thing that happened, you will meet someone who is more suited to you and more deserving of you.

  • Registered Users Posts: 129 ✭✭redmenace1

    Having been heartbroken too, the only advice I have is to try and be positive, take the experience on board and move on.

    Look seriously at therapy if it still causing you this much pain after six months. Or even discuss with your GP if its getting your mood down.

    You have a lot of living still to do and you owe it to yourself to start doing it.

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,314 ✭✭✭YellowLead

    OP I really don’t think you lost a great girl. You were wildly incompatible and probably at different stages in life.

    What you are likely mourning is the loss of a relationship, rather than her specifically. You only dated for 10 months and 6 months later you are not over it, you can bet she is. Don’t get so invested so soon next time, and don’t put anyone on a pedestal just because they are willing to date you, look at their behaviours and let them go sooner if it’s not working - rather than saying ‘red flags, yes please!’

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  • Registered Users Posts: 26 heartbreak

    Thanks for the responses much appreciated, Some great Advice here. I think i have her on a pedestal because she was such a good looking girl (i know it's not all about looks) and we did have great craic most of the time.

    i agree with every thing said on here, during the dating stage when she said she kissed a married man in work (before we met) in my head i was saying don't get into this relationship. I waited a few months before i committed because a few things she said was putting me off.

    i just have to learn from it and work on my own self confidence.

    i was told at the end by her i was controlling, a gas lighter etc,i definitely have stuff to work on but i really don't think i'm like that.

  • Registered Users Posts: 939 ✭✭✭bitofabind

    Don't wait next time someone mentions a bunch of icky things like that. Run.

    With respect OP, you can't build a relationship with someone solely on thinking they're a ride. Well you can, but it's going to end up like this every time. **** / immature / flaky people can be rides. Run a **** person filter from now on. What's a dealbreaker? Someone who loves attention and values that over commitment and integrity? Someone whose words don't match their actions? Write it all down and get clear on it before you start dating again.

  • Registered Users Posts: 9,450 ✭✭✭Furze99

    Look if you're still yearning for her after six months, maybe there was more to this than the other posters above give credit for. Weigh it up and figure if there is/was a deeper connection. If so, faint heart never won fair lady - swallow the old pride, drop her a card and explain/ apologise for your own perceived insecurities and ask her if she wants to give it another go - that you're open to it. And that if she doesn't, then no hard feelings etc etc Nothing to lose by doing this.

  • Registered Users Posts: 26 heartbreak

    Cheers for the reply,i reached out after a bit of time and was told the relationship was toxic,i replied i really didn't agree or see it that way and put my point across explained my own insecurities etc but she didn't want to try again.i left it at that.

    *my own insecurities caused the break up that's what I meant,when I txt her,meaning it was stuff I had to work on.

    Post edited by heartbreak on

  • Registered Users Posts: 9,450 ✭✭✭Furze99

    Well then, accept that - forgive, forget and move on. Good luck.

  • Registered Users Posts: 26 heartbreak

    Thanks for the reply appreciate it. yeah it has to be done other wise i will drive my self insane.

  • Registered Users Posts: 631 ✭✭✭LilacNails

    Op do u really think she is so great even tho she kissed a married guy? That she works with? Open ur eyes.

    She sounds v immature. I wouldn't look too far into the claims ur controlling and gas light, shes not a victim but sounds like shes acting like one.

    Walk away, before she melts ur head more.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,991 ✭✭✭JoChervil

    Reading this thread I agreed with others that you dodged a bullet. She needs a few years to grow up. You were insecure but she just flared them up.

    But this your answer gives me some insight into the dynamic of your relationship. You don't listen. And you come across as a controlling person.

    You weren't interested in her point of view and into getting to the bottom of your failure to at least learn from it. I think you need therapy to understand yourself first.

    If you are mourning for so long, it means you got too dependent on her. She filled too much void in you. You need to do it yourself to get grounded in yourself.

  • Registered Users Posts: 26 heartbreak

    i hear you and i was at times i would admit,i said that in the reply to her and apologized for my behaviour,that it's something that i need to work on and i have went every week since the break up to therapy,going again this week.

    thanks for the feedback

  • Registered Users Posts: 26 heartbreak

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  • Registered Users Posts: 18,701 ✭✭✭✭Donald Trump

    Walk away and be grateful you had the experience and are getting out of it now.

    You can come back in 5 years and she'll be posting on on why she can't find a "decent fella" that is up to her standards. Let her at it.

  • Registered Users Posts: 443 ✭✭Kurooi

    Of course she thinks you're controlling, she's out to have fun and you're being a prude getting angry at her trying to get some action on Tinder.

    She won't be chill with her man being on Tinder when she starts pushing mid 30s.

    Relationships for men are physical, it's OK to admit to yourself you enjoyed that too. Hitting up attractive 25yos in your 30s is pretty cool you obviously have things going for you. You had some fun and that's ok too. Going forward try to separate character if for a moment , don't be talking children with a missus you aren't getting on with even in what should be your honeymoon period.

  • Registered Users Posts: 19,250 ✭✭✭✭road_high

    Fcuk me- an absolute bullet dodged here. I know it doesn’t seem that way yet but you should be counting your blessings daily you got away from this “one” when you did. There are so many obvious red flags and serious character flaws it’s almost too obvious and too many to mention. You’ll see that all with time though

  • Registered Users Posts: 23,605 ✭✭✭✭Larbre34

    Yeah, that breakup was the best thing that could have happened to you.

    At the same time, I know thats not how you feel in your heart right now. From experience I know that Counselling does involve knocking down a few walls before building them up stronger again, so please, stick with it if you can and make yourself your number one priority.

    Better days are ahead, look after yourself.

  • Registered Users Posts: 984 ✭✭✭Still stihl waters 3

    She sounds like a scumbag tbh,you're better off without her

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,848 ✭✭✭dogbert27

    "i was told at the end by her i was controlling, a gas lighter etc"

    Ever hear the saying, accuse others of that which you are guilty of?

    You had an argument and she joins tinder?!

    You, probably wanting more commitment from her was her accusing you of being controlling.

    She knew that you were probably more in to her than she was in to you had you wrapped around her finger.

    Reading your posts this girl was obviously really physically attractive and that is probably what you are missing the most. It's just the thought of it that is making you miss her.

    If you guys were back together tomorrow then within a week you'd be going through the same drama sxxt as before.

    Get back out there and look for someone who is more mature than this girl.

  • Registered Users Posts: 930 ✭✭✭TheadoreT

    People always blame the other person in their advise in these scenarios but you've done so much wrong here than most women with choices would have lost attraction for you. Having someone on a pedestal is about the worst thing you can do from a dynamic point of view in a relationship. If you don't think you're worthy of someone it always manifests in all the ways you've shown here.

    And good looking women will always attract outside attention, you need to rise above it with the knowledge she's coming home to you at night, not them. The more you show insecurity the more they'll test you to see if you're strong enough. At a primitive level they want to pass on the best characteristics to their children so won't settle for a man who isn't strong enough to stayed centred.

  • Registered Users Posts: 338 ✭✭iniscealtra

    Just accept that you weren’t right for each other. She wasn’t ready for a relationship and to commit. You will have good memories but it just wasn’t right. Learn from it - you want more than good looks next time.

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,799 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith

    You were on your guard from the beginning. Despite that you convinced yourself all was great and you were being insecure. Sometimes we hold on tighter to the things we've more chance of losing regardless of whether that thing is actually good for us or not.

    It wasn't your insecurities or you who ruined it. You were 10 months into a relationship with someone you weren't compatible with. That happens. It was always eventually going to end.

    Instead of looking back with rose-tinted glasses and regretting what you've lost. Take from it to move forward. You've learned that a red flag can't be ignored, so if your gut is telling you something don't disregard it and convince yourself it doesn't matter.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 7,314 ✭✭✭YellowLead

    OP - fair play for getting therapy to help. You’ll get over this - as horrible as heartbreak is and as hard it can be to see past it, we all get over it and we move on, humans are strong. You’ll be grand after more time, but you can’t move on until you accept it wasn’t right so do that and your part of the way there.

    Its easy to be swayed by a pretty face, but make sure a kind heart is also present in future.