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How many chances for a flaky guy?

  • 19-12-2022 1:22pm
    Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭eaglach

    I've been chatting to a guy regularly for the past maybe 4 weeks. In that time we've only been on one date. I've been eager to meet more often, but he seems to be unavailable or just flakes at the last minute.

    For instance, for our planned first date we were due to meet for a coffee but the morning of, I get a message saying that he got called into work last minute. I chalk this up to "**** happens" and rearrange for another date. I try to suggest the next day, but he says he's going to the gym and meeting his friend for dinner. I was a little surprised by this as it sounded like the rest of his day was free. But whatever, I didn't push it. 

    Our first date happens the following week and it seemed to go really well. As it was a work night, I had to leave at a reasonable hour but he wanted to stay on longer. I figure that's a good sign that he was enjoying himself, plus he actually said he did have a great time afterwards!

    The next day I suggest meeting maybe 3-4 days later and he thought it might be a bit soon after the first one. Maybe I was too eager? But in the end he does agree. Then the day before the date he cancels saying that he's come down with some kind of flu and that we should arrange for the following week. I thought this was pretty unlucky that 2 out 3 dates had to be cancelled, but what could I say. If you're sick, you're sick.

    Then comes the day before our planned date, I asked him if he was still okay for tomorrow as he never mentioned it all week. Then he tells me that he completely forgot and had agreed to work that day! At this point I was feeling a bit foolish and I basically said that we should leave things for now and that he should get back to me when he's les busy and can commit to dates. I also said I was disappointed that he forgot when it was something I was looking forward to all week. I guess one thing in his defence that we didn't pick an exact time or venue, but still thought he might have been thinking about meeting at some point over the weekend.

    Was I too harsh in my response? I felt I was getting the run-around and being cancelled on 3 times was a bit too much in such a short period of time. I can understand things can come up but it just felt very strange as it's never happened to me before. I know we've only been on one date, but I'd like to think that someone is interested enough in me not to forget or postpone dates regularly.

    What bothers me is that he seems very interested otherwise as he messages me very regularly, randomly checking in on me and wishing me a good day. He's also explicitly expressed his strong interest as well. Have I thrown away something with potential just out of principle? He did offer to rearrange the last cancelled date, but it would have meant that I would had to change my other plans. I said to him to get in contact with me after Christmas when he's less busy, but I might never hear from him again if he thought I was overreacting, not that I got any way aggressive, just disappointed.

    Just to mention that I am also a man in case that changes your views on this!



  • Registered Users Posts: 3,868 ✭✭✭spaceHopper

    Read the text messages like they were cut and pasted and sent to several people, does the context make sense. Techman could be onto something, he's married, not single or not out. I think you should leave it for now and if he comes back after christmas good but don't put all you hopes in one basket.

  • Registered Users Posts: 19,775 ✭✭✭✭recode the site

    Yes there is genuinely a lot of sickness out there atm, but there are so many red flags here. He’s, one of the time-wasters and likely married and using decent people like you as a between meals snack when it suits him. Block/delete. - serving exiled talent

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  • Registered Users Posts: 9,880 ✭✭✭Caranica

    This guy, 0 chances. Don't waste your time.

  • Posts: 0 ✭✭✭ Tucker Rapid Dachshund

    Zero patience for flakes. Get rid.

  • Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭eaglach

    Maybe I wasn't very clear. The last time he cancelled he tried to rearrange straight away and was very apologetic. He was working but even suggested meeting after he finished his shift the same day. I'm just wondering if he maybe genuinely forgot because we just said a day and not a time or place and it was only mentioned once?

    No, they're very much for me. We have long back and forths over WhatsApp and are in contact for most of the week.

    I thought that as well. I know he's out of a long-term relationship, but that might have been a year ago now. Might not be ready to start dating again?

  • Registered Users Posts: 13,041 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard

    Nobody is *that* busy, OP, especially early doors and if they're as into you as he claimed to be. My boyfriend is a separated dad of 3 under the age of 7 and he has always made time to see me. Not as much as we both might have liked at times, but he always, always made the effort and I appreciate how hard he worked to make me a priority.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,422 ✭✭✭YellowLead

    100% you made the right call.

    Its likely he has a few people on the go and you are not his first choice. I mean going to the gym instead of a date with you, he doesn’t seem too interested.

    Regular texting is not an indicator - he could just be a serial texter looking for entertainment when he is bored.

    He clearly didn’t try and fight for you when you said you were going to leave things, so that’s an even further indicator he just wasn’t that into you I’m afraid.

    Forget him and move on!

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  • Registered Users Posts: 4,046 ✭✭✭Augme

    OP, what do you want to do? You're an adult (I assume). At this stage of your life you need to figure out what you find acceptable/not acceptable, not some relying on randomness on the internet.

    Personally for me, I'd find your eagerness quite off putting. It's been one date. I just can never understand how someone can develop such strong feelings after one date that they'd be genuinely feel disappointed that the follow date has been cancelled. Its one date, you know absolutely nothing about this person.

    But I'm the big outlier in allow of this but in the early stages of dating I don't really think much of it. I've always been the sort of person who met partners through social circles, work etc and its taken a while for any type of strong feelings to grow for them. This whole launch yourself into one person immediately just strikes me as not the most healthy approach in the world.

    Also, I'd be amazed if he is married. His behaviour doesn't say that at all to me.

  • Registered Users Posts: 20,234 ✭✭✭✭yourdeadwright

    From a blokes point of view sounds like he's going on other dates,

    He likes you but is looking to see what else is out there,

    Back in the day its exactly what i used to do myself, he'll look back an regret acting like that but its what happens,

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,034 ✭✭✭Swaine

    No one is ever so busy with work etc that they can't meet some they like. He has others on the go and you're a back up.

    Do not make anymore effort with this guy.

  • Registered Users Posts: 23,219 ✭✭✭✭Larbre34

    If thats the amount of piss he is taking after 4 weeks, imagine the level of respect and commitment after 4 months, or a year.

    Walk away.

  • Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭eaglach

    I know what you're saying, that my eagerness might be off putting, but then other people say that the person you're dating should be eager to meet you.

    It's not that I've developed strong feelings, but I just saw potential in him which is very rare for me. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt as things can crop up at work, and people can get sick. When he forgot the date the last time I just thought it was the straw that broke the camels back.

    Maybe I read into texting a bit much. I certainly wouldn't bother messaging someone if I wasn't interested, even if I was bored. But maybe I'm the odd one out.

    Just to clarify, he did kind of "fight" as he sincerely apologised (I do genuinely think he forgot) and he tried to arrange the date for that evening. He also suggested this week as an alternative saying that he wanted to make it up to me. I was the one who suggested meeting after Christmas when he wasn't busy which he said he would.

    He may well be dating others (and that could be why he used the gym as an excuse), but so be it. That's pretty normal in the dating scene from what I can tell, although I don't do it myself. I'd just rather not know!

    I know people say someone behaving like this is not interested, but what should you expect in the early stages? Surely you don't think they should be somewhat infatuated with you from the start? I know I've dated people in the past where attraction grew over time. I also figure everyone has a different personality and they approach dating differently.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,046 ✭✭✭Augme

    But other people are also saying that if you go on one date then you should not be allowed see anyone else or talk to anyone else either. Which again, I find absolutely bizarre. But people are also perfectly entitled to take that approach if they want. It's not about what other people feel is appropriate. It's about what you feel is appropriate.

    As for giving him the benefit of the doubt, it really sounds like you didn't given the effort you made to avoid him after he cancelled the third time.

  • Registered Users Posts: 636 ✭✭✭techman1

    It's not that I've developed strong feelings, but I just saw potential in him which is very rare for me. I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt as things can crop up at work

    Why is that rare for you, was it his looks that attracted you, what is so special about him compared to other guys you have dated?

  • Registered Users Posts: 31,250 ✭✭✭✭gmisk

    Take the hint I would say.

  • Registered Users Posts: 13,041 ✭✭✭✭Dial Hard

    Look, OP, while I do think this guy is a flake and you made the right call, I recall a number of your other threads and I do think it's likely that you overthink and overinvest too soon.

    Next time I think you should really just try to relax and take things as they come.

  • Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭eaglach

    I mean I gave the benefit of the doubt twice. Some would say that was too much, no?

    Can't explain it. Conversation just flowed I guess. I know that with a lot of people I date I end up having to take a little bit of time to think of what to say. I don't really get that with this guy. I'm sure there are other things that attracted me, but that's the first thing that comes to mind.

    I'm surprised you recognise some of my past posts. I don't create topics here very often!

    I totally get where you're coming from, but when you haven't really been in a serious relationship for a long time, it's hard not to get at least a bit invested. If you're talking to someone regularly for around 4 weeks, I figure there's something more there than just talking to a random stranger. But maybe I'm a bit of an old romantic.

    It's interesting that you say to relax and take things as they come. Do you think I should have just been more casual and not let the cancelled dates get to me? If I'm honest, if something doesn't go according to what I think is the "plan" I tend to look elsewhere for advice. Maybe that's my problem as the general advice seems to be that what ever X guy did was wrong and you should end it!

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  • Registered Users Posts: 888 ✭✭✭TheadoreT

    There's plenty to pick through there that you could have done better.

    Firstly setting the initial first date as a morning coffee wasn't the greatest idea imo. I don't think morning(or lunch) dates exactly lend themselves to building romance so I'd keep early dates to evenings. It's kinda sending out a friends vibe asking to meet early imo.

    I think you were a little eager yes after the first date. Let someone miss you and attraction build a little. Being too full on too early will only ever make someone feel there's no jeopardy involved. Early dating needs a bit of "will they, won't they" for sparks to build. You're probably feeling plenty due to his behaviour but likely he's feeling none due to yours.

    I think your instincts about him messing you about are right but you still can't display you're annoyed by that. Showing him you're uncentered by his flakiness will only make him more flaky or ghost you eventually. Whatever you do don't message him again before he does. At this point if this is going to have any hope he'll need to be doing 100% of the persuing and date setting for the next while and you need to resist the urge to chase at all.

  • Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭eaglach

    The first date wasn't for coffee actually. We went for drinks.

    Is suggesting to meet again after a first date considered eager? I don't like to play games so I figure that if I'm interested in a second date I'd just say it, but maybe that's the wrong approach?

    I'm thinking he might just have a very casual approach to dating and plays it by ear the whole time. Planning ahead may not be his thing. Possibly why he changed his plans so much.

    I wasn't planning on messaging him unless he messaged me first. I figure if he's actually interested, he'll reach out again, unless I've come across as OTT by saying that I was disappointed by being cancelled on three times!

  • Registered Users Posts: 17,801 ✭✭✭✭Donald Trump

    Have I thrown away something with potential just out of principle?

    Potential for what? You to be chasing him around for years while he goes off and does other things? All the while he'd have you there as the handy go-to for other reasons whenever suits him

  • Registered Users Posts: 888 ✭✭✭TheadoreT

    Suggesting to meet again isn't eager. Suggesting the very next day after the date is. Especially when he wasn't exactly matching your levels of keenesss initially by cancelling the coffee last minute.

    People generally react to someone they like being flaky completely wrong, by over persuing themselves and getting annoyed like you have here. That'll only ever end badly for you.

    You either decide you're not into that sort behaviour and find someone as keen as yourself. But in the real world it's fairly common for someone with lots of options to behave that way initially so if you want to actually be successful you need to learn to chill out and let them come to you more. They'll gradually make you more of a priority when they realise you're different from all the others who chase them.

  • Registered Users Posts: 7,261 ✭✭✭Deeper Blue

    OP he's obviously a complete timewaster

    If you arrange another date I guarantee you the same thing will happen

    Forgetting that ye'd arranged a date after he'd cancelled a couple already is the biggest red flag of all to me

    Bin him ASAP

  • Registered Users Posts: 219 ✭✭eaglach

    It's interesting that you have this viewpoint. It seems like you're the only one who holds this opinion here!

    From what I gather, people seem to expect someone you've started dating to make you a priority from day one and if not, you give them the heave ho. Do you think this is too idealistic?

    Also, is it a bit like playing a game if you're pretending not to be interested even though you actually are?

    I understand that viewpoint, but it's assuming that everyone who has cancelled dates will behave that way. No way of knowing that without being inside his head. Maybe I give people the benefit of the doubt too often.

  • Registered Users Posts: 226 ✭✭89897

    Its not idealistic but Its not about making someone priority, is about making your intent clear. Most of my really good first dates ended with a plan of a second date, be it a few days, week etc ahead but the intent was known.

    And you're right its playing games if you not being honest and putting fake tests out there.

    You can know without being in his head, hes shown you a pattern. People will show patterns and who they are very soon. He should have been making an even greater effort at this stage if he was interested.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 888 ✭✭✭TheadoreT

    It's idealistic and intense. Peoples lives don't start the day you matched with them or met them for the first time. It's likely he'll have other people on the go at the same time if he's good at dating. People with lots of options will generally go for the most mysterious or unobtainable. Call it playing games, but you're just giving yourself the best chance of success.

    Have you ever dated someone where everything has run perfectly smoothly and it all seems a bit flat? No spark? Don't underestimate what this guys sort of behaviour does for your attraction. He's taking it to the extreme or really just not that into it but in general being busy and having a full life with limited free time is always more attractive than someone who's freely available.

    You need to get out of this perfect Hollywood romance mindset in early dating. Something may develop into that eventually, but expecting relationshipy commitment from someone you barely know will always end badly.