Mind the gap

ladygrace9

Evening all, I have a question and I’m hoping to get a good bit of advice as this is a new one for me. So, I met a lovely guy last week and we got talking. We seemed to get on really well and exchanged numbers. Kissed a bit too. I’m just out of a 2 year relationship and I was in pieces about it. Tbh, this guy made me feel wanted and sexy again and that felt good so I went with the flow. Anyway, we realised during the week I’m older than him- 9 years to be exact. I feel ashamed and awful. I had no idea and didn’t think to ask at the time. Now it looks like a dealbreaker for me. he’s all for us to continue but for me, I feel it reflects badly on me as the older party. I don’t want anything serious with him. Just to smile and feel good again. A few dates and that. It kills me cause we had good chemistry but I feel like I would be judged.

advice?

rolling boh

Maybe if you gave what age bracket involved you might get some personal expierence from posters personally nine years is not that much if you are both mature enough.

ladygrace9

33 and 24

ladygrace9

I’m at a stage in my life where I left go of my ex because I realised he was leading me on amongst other issues. I know this would have no future. I realise it may be fun in the short term and I’d feel good but what if it got messy…and damaged my outlook for the future as well as being judged by people

Dial Hard

Honestly (and I realise many may not agree), I do feel like that is significant at your ages. It's more about life stages than the gap itself, tbh. Can you imagine meeting his parents? His friends? Introducing him to yours? Some people will say you're not dating them, just him, and that may work for them but I like to integrate my relationships with my life as a whole and I can see how this gap, at this point, would be an issue in that regard. People will look at you askance. There's no denying that. Whether or not you care about that is entirely up to you, but I'm guessing by the fact that you're even posting here in the first place that it will be an issue for you.

Finty Lemon

Been here before.

When it gets serious, it will come down to the issue of kids, ultimately. Sooner for you than him probably. Get on the same page on this, and it will settle down.

Good luck with it and enjoy for now!

rolling boh

No harm in giving it a go you are not old you will soon find out if he is on the same page as you .

YellowLead

I don’t think there is any harm in living in the moment and just enjoying it for what it is. Especially since you are just out of something serious.

I can’t really see it being long term unless you are both are and will always be on the same page about kids - but there is no need to only enter into relationships if they are going to be serious, unless you are a serious or nothing type person.

TheadoreT

Think you're overthinking it. Be honest with him that you're only looking for something casual enough. At 24 he'll probably be all for it.

And since you didn't know his age I'm guessing you met in a non online setting, which is probably rare these days so just appreciate a genuine connection and have some fun

I think you should enjoy it as long as it lasts.

Which being realistic, probably won't be very long - but once you both go into it with eyes wide open, why not? Unless you are the type who gets emotionally invested very quickly or jealous - then probably best not to take it any further.

Younger men love older women ;)

ladygrace9

Hi guys. Yeah thanks. It’s ironic how I ended it with my ex for leading me on but ready to try a casual relationship now. I just don’t wanna be viewed as a joke by people or seen as unattractive by men my own age for carrying on with a young fella. Unfortunately alot of people I know are very narrow minded (friend and work groups) and would judge me alot. My own family included so I’ll be keeping this to myself.

I thought it would be good for me to be flattered and get a confidence boost since break up. My ex and all that business destroyed my confidence and I’m trying to rebuild myself.

ladygrace9

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119928356#Comment_119928356

Hey. I just want to say I won’t be going down the meeting anyone’s anything unless it’s for keeps the next time. Been there, was treated horribly, got the T shirt. It’s really not worth it unless they are a keeper.

rolling boh

Have you any plan in the future for kids etc if that is the case can you handle a casual situation with this guy you didn't say what his circumstances are whether he works or not .As another posted mentioned if you get very emotionally invested that could be a problem .Still think it's no problem to give it a go as you seem keen in him . Good luck whatever you decide.

Quazzie

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119928315#Comment_119928315

Half your age plus seven.

So ye both (just about) fit within the rules.

In my experience lot of guys love women to be older, can be very attracted by the sexual & general confidence, but for fun rather than making long term plans. If you don’t get too invested it can be be fun, but when you might be wanting a child sooner rather than later, and he maybe wanting children maybe down the road, that could throw a spanner in the works. If neither of you really want children (and some of the happiest & most enduring couples I know are without children) then all would be cool. Women live longer on average, so no harm having the man that bit younger. In my own extended family there have been several instances of wide age gaps where the man was younger by 20 or more years, all childless but very happy marriages where both were still in love into the late years.

Bowlardo

You had a decent ride. I'm happy for you. Continue to ride but you are robbing yourself of time (which you don't have!!) To find a long time partner. You needed someone to get o get over the ex. You're feeling good about yourself back and your mojo go forth and concur but don't be under any illusions that this has any !longevity.

you're the adult here. This ain't no Disney movie . Grow uo. Cop on and get really

when he is 30 you'll be 39

P.s I would continue to ride if I was you but only for a few weeks

ladygrace9

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119929012#Comment_119929012

Here’s the thing. I can’t seem to meet a man who is single and my age or older. Everyone around me is in a relationship or getting married. I’ve asked friends to set me up. They couldn’t be bothered to help me. I don’t want to go back online due to previous experiences.

I’m definitely not looking at this as forever. Just something to get me over this break up. I need a little validation. My ex really knocked my confidence and I want to feel good again but even thinking of his age I feel paranoid that I’ll be judged if people find out.

At the risk of sounding melodramatic- I don’t want to ruin my life lol

YellowLead

Do you both live in the same small town? Otherwise it should be easy to keep it private- only way anybody will find out is if you tell them. Or course if you live in a small town it’s different. But anybody worth having as a friend will understand - older family members might judge a little but they’ll forget about it as it’s only a short term thing anyway.

As per your comment - men your age won’t judge you for being with somebody younger. if anything they will see it as a plus - that you are open minded and live your own life.

Bowlardo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119929074#Comment_119929074

100% continue this arrangement with this young stud. You're both getting something out of it. Just don't think it is a forever thing. One of both of you will proper fall for each other if goes on a few weeks. It always happens.that just the reality of thing. The. It hi d of ruins it but your confidence will be back . Then maybe chance the online stuff again

Hannibal_Smith

If your self confidence is an issue and you say you need validation then I'd say being involved in a situation that has you (using your words) feeling paranoid, ashamed and awful isn't the way to help build self confidence. It's grand to have a bit of craic, but if you feel lousy over it it's only been a week, leave it where it is.

The Mighty Quinn

Agree with Dial Hard. 33 & 24 is generally going to be an incompatible mix because of life stages. I know we're dealing in generalisations here, but the average 20-something is more interested in exploring their life, 'finding themselves', enjoying their freedoms (many aren't long out of education, living out of home, started earning some money etc) and generally up for having a good time more than thinking about a long term goal.

By 30s most have eased off on that, taken a step back and now have more life goals, less interested in party lifestyle, more interested in sorting out somewhere to live for themselves, long term relationships, generally being more responsible with their lives etc.

Water and oil. Apply heat and it'll mix well, but when it cools down, they'll separate out.

TheadoreT

Would agree with the above but she's not looking to settle down with this guy, just to have some fun and feel good about herself.

A lot of rich/successful women would opt for younger casual partners. They may be career orientated and independent enough to have all other needs met themselves and just need regular sex. An average 24 year old is more attractive/verile/doesnt have their life blood sucked from them than an average person her age.

ladygrace9

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119928667#Comment_119928667

I do very much want children and to get married in the next 2-4 years but after breaking up with my BF, that is looking bleak but that could be the negativity post BU. There was no fun or much sex (not my choice) in the last few months of my last relationship so I thought it might be a bit of fun but again, not sure on if it’s acceptable or appropriate in society.

YellowLead

OP the sooner you realise it only matters what you want (as long as you aren’t harming anyone) the sooner you start enjoying life more!

If you’re friends are the type to judge maybe it’s time to get new friends…

If you full of wanting to marry him etc etc I’d tell you to cop on, but you see it as a bit of fun in the short term so just go for it and and enjoy (making sure it’s clear to both parties what’s what)

rolling boh

There is nothing wrong in you having a relationship with a younger guy so forget about others thinking its not appropriate or acceptable or what they think of you .While it more than likely will not last it not as if he is a teenager and you were his teacher or something so I see no harm at all if you both know what the situation is .

Airyfairy12

24 and 33 isnt a big deal if you really like one another. I know loads of women in their 30's and 40's who actually settled with much younger men. My ex at 26 met a new woman in her 40's and theyve been together about 8 years with a house together now and everything. I honestly wouldnt let the age put you off.

Goodigal

Have fun with each other. Let him help you get over your ex. And see how you both feel after the initial first few weeks. As long as both of you don't take it too seriously, I truly don't see any harm in it! Enjoy it and only share what you want to with your friends. It's your life OP. Live it!

Jafin

There's no "yes or no" answer to whether the age gap is an impediment or not. I'm 33, my boyfriend is 27. I honestly thought that 27 would be a bit too young for me when we first started going out, but we're on quite similar maturity levels so it's working fine for us.

I think the most important thing here is actually outlining what you want. If you JUST want something casual and don't intend on taking it any further then please, please, PLEASE make sure he is fully aware of this. It's very important that you're both on the same page when it comes to stuff like that.

ladygrace9

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119934609#Comment_119934609

Ok. I suppose hearing there are women out there with younger guys helps a little. And if I can ask, what backlash have you received?

one of my exes was 3 years younger than me and his mother must of asked me what age I was about 10times while I was in the relationship (She was bitchy so making a point as she always did). I did feel judged even though it didn’t bother me and my ex at the time but she was driving a point home to me and that was only a 3 year gap.

I would like to think i don’t care what people think but I do but where has that ever gotten me? I just don’t want to be judged and talked about. I just feel men get away with so much. It’s almost a given majority of men will date younger women. No one blinks an eye but a womans rep can be torn apart in under a minute for it.

Again, as stated previously, I just want something casual at the moment.

Buddy Bubs

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119935128#Comment_119935128

You are far too worried what people think. Its not that men get away with so much, its possibly that they don't care what people say. Your new flame will get the same comments that you get but in reverse about the older woman on his arm.

Will he care? Who knows?

I had a dig at me about punching above my weight with my fiance by a guy in the pub that wanted to have a go at me and I was pleasantly surprised that I thought it was the biggest compliment I had ever received and thanked the person that said it!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119928315#Comment_119928315

Won't lie to you, I (M) have been in relationships with women twice my age before and while they lasted, they were great. The 9 year difference between this dude and yourself doesn't set off alarm bells in my head. Have always considered myself an old soul. What split the majority of those relationships was kid talk. Ironically, with I being the one to have my mind made up. *Insert Dick Byrne NOOOOOOOOO*

Sleepy

I had a fling with a fairly similar age gap a long time ago and I believe we both still look on the experience fondly... We live in different countries now but are still connected on social media, were invited to each others weddings etc...

The key to the success of the fling was, imho, that it only involved us. We never presented ourselves as a couple, just met up and enjoyed ourselves. We only met each other's friends very infrequently and even then, we were just introduced as "my friend".

The inital fling only lasted a couple of weeks before we established we didn't suit each other as long-term partners but the sexual side of things was absolute dynamite and led to a further two years or so of infrequent meet ups and weekend breaks together when neither of us were seeing anyone else.

So my advise would be to go for it, but go for it as friends with benefits rather than a relationship (assuming he's amenable to that). Don't ignore the "friends" part of that though, people always seem to forget that part in these situatins.

Jafin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119935128#Comment_119935128

Well we're both men, I'm gay, but I would think that hopefully the gender shouldn't really matter in these things (but maybe I'm being naive). There hasn't been any backlash from anyone. We've only been going out about 2.5 months so haven't met each others' parents yet, but I have told my mother about him and his age, I know he's told his mother about me but I don't know if he told her my age. There was no negative backlash from my mam due to the 6 year age gap. I doubt there'd be any from his parents either as I know there is a 6 year gap between them (his father is 6 years older than his mother).

If all you're looking for is something casual then none of that stuff should even matter since there's a very small chance you'd ever even have to interact with any of his family members. You're both consenting adults. As long as you're both aware of what you're getting into then the age gap shouldn't matter. Hell, I had a casual friends with benefits thing for a little while with a guy 15 years older than me and it didn't really matter.

JoChervil

OP, each situation is unique. Each connection between two people is unique. He might be mature enough to create a happy relationship. I wouldn't write it off and consider this only as a casual thing.

I couldn't care less what people think about me and about my choices. Please change this attitude. You won't achieve anything significant if you only stay in a comfort zone limited by acceptance of majority around. I definitely always wanted more and my own way. No wise person will judge you and I don't have time for silly people.

I think you need to be honest with yourself first. Do you really want only a casual thing from this situation? Sometimes people want more and kid themselves that they wanted less in case they fail. It let them save face in front of themselves. So you need to do some soul searching... But in the meantime enjoy! If putting a tag on it as "casual" feels safer for you, so keep it.

People only need statistics, if they want to feel more secure about their choices. But nothing in life is guaranteed. And as someone wise said: "love is an act of courage". We will never be sure about outcome. But it is always better to regret things we've done.

Yet only you know, if you are strong enough to risk.

ManOfMystery

There's no hard and fast rules here. He could be an incredibly mature guy for his age, or just prefer an older woman, and you might be very youthful at heart so (numbers aside) you kinda meet in the middle.

I didn't actively seek out older women, but was always very mature for my age so it kinda happened naturally - I found them easier to get on with and less drama than girls my own age. When I was 25 I was going out with a woman who was 38; although that relationship did end, it wasn't for any reasons to do with our ages.

My now-wife is 6 years older than me, never been a problem.

The only possible issue I see here is if it gets more serious and the biological clock is discussed, he may not be at the same life stage as you and not ready for it. But then again, he might be. Only one way to find out, when and if the time comes - discuss it.

If you enjoy being with him, and you're having fun, just continue. Who cares what people think? They're not the ones living your life. I know it's easy for us to say ignore the judgements, but unless you're doing something really toxic with your life, then no-one has to right to pass any kind of 'judgement' anyway - particularly not friends and family who should be happy that you're happy. We all make our own decisions and live our own lives as we see fit, so I would really urge you to think about your self-assertion and not being decisions based on the thoughts and whims of other people in your circle. They don't have to like it, doesn't mean they get a say in it.

PoisonIvyBelle

I had the same situation and went with it (25 and 34 at the time). It lasted nearly 2 years and was probably the healthiest relationship I've ever had. Before him, I'd never have considered dating anyone younger, let alone 9 years! got on well with friends/fam on both sides and no Qs asked.

The only thing that may come up is the kid issue as mentioned above. In our case, I had to bring it up because he kept talking about having a family (plural) casually in conversation like it was a definite thing, whereas at almost 36 (at that point), I A. didn't think we were in a position yet to have kids, nor were we ready, and B. by the time we were in a position and both ready then having more than one was unlikely. Plus, I wasn't too fussed either way on kids so really didn't want more than one if I did go down that road. I was really saying that he couldn't turn around in 5 years saying he wanted to start a fam. So we had the convo, he said he didn't mind if it never happened, but then he actually thought about it and we talked again a few days later and decided it was best to end it. One thing to be aware of on that is make sure that YOU bring it up, because I don't think he'd have ever even thought about there being an issue with his timeline if I hadn't explained it.

But, that aside, I would do it again in a heartbeat and I think you absolutely give it a try. I've dated men up to 15 years older than me and I swear he was the most mature man I've dated.

Hannibal_Smith

As the OP hasn't been back since November I'll close this one off.

OP if you would like it reopened for further advice you can PM one of the mod team and we can reopen it for you.