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To have another baby or not

  • 02-11-2022 2:29pm
    Registered Users Posts: 601 ✭✭✭Magicmatilda

    My husband and I just had our first baby who is 6 mths old now. He is a dote and we adore him. I am 42 and my husband 51 and we are trying to decide whether to have another, Obviously if we were to have another we would need to do it quickly due to our age.

    The pros are that our little lad would have a sibling. However on the other side we are both tired and wonder would 2 under 2 just be way to hard for us? we wonder would we cope with another one? Would it put too much strain on our relationship? But then would we be depriving our son if he was to be an only child?

    I would like to hear from only children particularly, did you miss a sibling? We are especially concerned that he would feel alone when we are no longer around. Now hopefully that will be 30/40 years but just wondering if anyone has experience of this.

    He has no cousins his own age, they are all older. But he does seem to be a social little fella.

    Also I am fully aware that the decision may be taken out of our hands because we may be unable to concieve at our ages but as we have a 6mth old there is a good chance we could.


  • Registered Users Posts: 19,054 ✭✭✭✭Cyrus

    2 small kids is a big commitment, and they may or may not get on. Also given your ages the risks of complications are hugely increased. In these circumstances id probably be thankful for the healthy happy baby you have rather than be thinking about having any more.

  • Registered Users Posts: 818 ✭✭✭radiotrickster

    I’m an only child and always wanted a sibling but I only wanted it because my parents weren’t attentive. I saw on tv shows lots of stories where siblings got along great, looked out for each other and protected each other.

    I’m old enough now to realise a sibling could have made everything worse and my parents limited attention would have been even more divided.

    Focus your attention on the child you do have. Maybe consider leaving it up to fate. Don’t use protection and don’t put pressure on yourselves to conceive so if it happens, it happens but if it doesn’t, be grateful for the child you do have and give them everything you can.

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  • Posts: 5,121 Mya Clever Swan

    What does your husband think OP?

    Going for a second child would mean you could have two college age children when one or both of you would be retired - would that be an issue for you?

    I can't imagine you will find extra energy in the next few years.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,868 ✭✭✭spaceHopper

    If you live somewhere where this is a good green and lots of other kids around then I think they will be fine. I've two kids close in age, they are best friends and mortal enemies. However our doorbell is worn out with kids calling for them, particularly for my son. My sister has one daughter and it more down to how they raise her and living in a gated house but the poor child has no real friends and is feeling it.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 5,475 ✭✭✭Wheety

    Hi OP

    We're in a similar situation. We currently have an almost 3 year old. We'd like one more but if we were to get pregnant, by the time the baby is born we would both be 42.

    The baby has 4 uncles but no aunts or cousins so there's a bit of a thought that we'd like them to have a sibling. We're trying but there's no guarantee. We've already had a miscarriage, but we'll see what happens.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,822 ✭✭✭Theboinkmaster

    This is such a personal decision - there is no right answer.

    sit with your husband and do up a pros and cons list and make a decision together as a couple.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,342 ✭✭✭ChippingSodbury

    I can beat that: my kids have 7 aunties (5 + 2) and no uncle!

    OP, friends are great but that old expression "blood is thicker than water" always holds true. Having said that, as a previous poster said, there is no right answer. If your kid gets a sibling, he'll grow up as having a sibling and know no different: the opposite is also true.

  • Registered Users Posts: 8,093 ✭✭✭Furze99

    You might have come across the old family film 'Cheaper By The Dozen'!! Twelve kids is a bit extreme nowadays but you get the idea.

    A first child requires quite a deal of change to how lives run, so an extra one is not really going to add much, particularly if they are close enough in age.

  • Registered Users Posts: 5,741 ✭✭✭daheff

    Go for it. At least have a lot of fun trying to make another.

    Good for kids to have brothers & sisters. Good for the kids to learn to share at home. single kids seem to be spoilt a bit more than kids in bigger families.

    Especially as you get older.

    Think of it that by the time your youngest is 18, you husband is going to be almost 70.

    (Sorry this is a little bit morbid) In the situation where maybe one or both of you die a little early then your kids will need each other to lean on to get by.

    Even as parents age they need a bit more help. Better to share that between kids than load it all on one child.

    On the plus side, 2 kids mean higher possibility of grandkids (or more of them).

    Anyways, for the second child you know a lot more of what's going on and can handle it better. And sure the 3rd child just rears itself

  • Registered Users Posts: 53,761 ✭✭✭✭walshb

    I’m not at all understanding the “they may not get along.” Why bother having children at all if that is the case. You’re 42. You still have few years. Plenty women have baby 1,2,3…aged 43 and older. I say go for it. I’d really doubt you’d regret it, but you might regret not trying.

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,651 ✭✭✭sporina

    go with your gut.. xxx

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,510 ✭✭✭maninasia

    Either way OP it will work out.

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  • We had two under two for a while. Initially the plan was to have just one child but we enjoyed him so much that we quickly realized we wanted two. They are now aged 4 and 6 and yes, it was tough at times, absolutely delightful at others, but on the whole I have no doubt that I will look back on the past 6 years as among the best of my life, halcyon days.

    We tried to have a third (wife is 40) but there was a chromosomal disorder and it didn't work out. We will give ourselves 4 months to try again and see what happens.

    You cannot think only of the difficulties when they're young. You have to imagine what it will be like when they're 10, 20, 30, and 40 years old. Who wouldn't wish to have their adult kids, partners and grandkids with them for Christmas dinner, for example?

    You also have to consider the impact on your finances, dynamic with spouse, etc.

  • Registered Users Posts: 140 ✭✭The Real President Trump

    Yes do, go for it

    If you didn't want to you wouldn't even need to ask, you ask because the opinion of others matters some to you, others are not you, grow your family and enjoy

  • I think deep down you likely know the answer, either way. Go with that.

  • Registered Users Posts: 74 ✭✭suilegorma

    I think if you decide for whatever reason you want another to go for it straight away. 2 under 2 is hard. But also so is 2 under 3 and so on. I wouldn't let being very busy for a few years decide. It will be busy no matter what the age gap.

  • Registered Users Posts: 12,148 ✭✭✭✭cj maxx

    As someone who had “irish twins” ( I hate that term) in my mid 40’s my advice is fire away. Apart from little things in their terrible threes the are the best of friends. 1 boy and his younger sister. Its hard work but soo rewarding.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,472 ✭✭✭victor8600

    I would say go for it. Sure, having two children under 5 is stressful, but it gets better when they are both in school and have friends and hobbies.

  • Registered Users Posts: 494 ✭✭anndub

    My husband is an only child. In his view it made little difference to him as a child but he did have lots of kids in neighbouring houses to play with and holidayed with his cousins.

    As his parents have aged and his mother died suddenly a couple of years ago he has really started to feel the burden of going it alone. There are no shared memories and the absence of sharing the experience if losing his mother with anyone was felt acutely. He is also hyper aware that when his father dies his "history" also goes as it is all very personal to him. I think this is probably especially relevant as your child is likely to be on the younger side when he loses his parents

  • Registered Users Posts: 36 Modulok

    My former manager was an older gentleman who had only one child. After my wife and I had our first, he called me into the office one day and said he'd like to offer some advice, if I was interested. He said don't have just one child. He said he and his wife, as they get older, worry about their child being all alone after they pass. I was really affected by the way he expressed it, considered it deeply, and it was a factor in our eventual decision to have another child. We are delighted with both of them (age 6 and 4) and want to have a third.

    In my opinion you should not consider the difficulties of having two young children at the same time, because this is a short period. They grow up fast. You have to imagine who you would like sitting around your Christmas dinner table thirty years in the future. Consider the big picture.

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