To have another baby or not

Magicmatilda

My husband and I just had our first baby who is 6 mths old now. He is a dote and we adore him. I am 42 and my husband 51 and we are trying to decide whether to have another, Obviously if we were to have another we would need to do it quickly due to our age.

The pros are that our little lad would have a sibling. However on the other side we are both tired and wonder would 2 under 2 just be way to hard for us? we wonder would we cope with another one? Would it put too much strain on our relationship? But then would we be depriving our son if he was to be an only child?

I would like to hear from only children particularly, did you miss a sibling? We are especially concerned that he would feel alone when we are no longer around. Now hopefully that will be 30/40 years but just wondering if anyone has experience of this.

He has no cousins his own age, they are all older. But he does seem to be a social little fella.

Also I am fully aware that the decision may be taken out of our hands because we may be unable to concieve at our ages but as we have a 6mth old there is a good chance we could.

Xterminator

As a parent myself, i would like to say sibling do not always get along.

As older parents who have their hands full, might you be stretching yourselves by having two younger children at the same? And that for the sole purposes of having a sibling they may or may not get along with.

it seems to me your might be better served devoting 100% of your time & attention to this child and at least reach preschool before even considering a sibling. live in the now enjoy your time to the very best you can. When the child is in preschool/school you may find the time for having a child has passed. if so - then thats karma.

Cyrus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058270092/to-have-another-baby-or-not

2 small kids is a big commitment, and they may or may not get on. Also given your ages the risks of complications are hugely increased. In these circumstances id probably be thankful for the healthy happy baby you have rather than be thinking about having any more.

gladerunner

I had a second child later in life, and like that was anxious about age and whether or not it was a good idea.

Let me tell you, watching them bond has been the most amazing life changing experience. I was so glad over covid that they had each other and its been nothing but joy. The newborn years are the hardest or the 0-4 year to be more precise. After that, its just so lovely. Life goes by very fast.

Honesty, go for it... and best of luck

radiotrickster

I’m an only child and always wanted a sibling but I only wanted it because my parents weren’t attentive. I saw on tv shows lots of stories where siblings got along great, looked out for each other and protected each other.

I’m old enough now to realise a sibling could have made everything worse and my parents limited attention would have been even more divided.

Focus your attention on the child you do have. Maybe consider leaving it up to fate. Don’t use protection and don’t put pressure on yourselves to conceive so if it happens, it happens but if it doesn’t, be grateful for the child you do have and give them everything you can.

YellowLead

It’s totally up to you guys OP - but I don’t think wanting your current child not to miss out by not having a sibling is a reason.

I only had one child, he’s 18 now - he has told me numerous times throughout the years he was very happy as an only child - he got the full attention of both parents, grandparents etc. There was a special kind of bond being the three of us in it together.

We we’re in a housing estate and he went to crèche etc so he always had plenty of other kids around, he was always outgoing and had a tonne of friends. Developed intellectually very quickly too from all the adult time with his parents.

Also, on a more humorous note - he said he was always glad he didn’t have to share PlayStations, x boxes etc like his friends did!

As somebody who doesn’t get on with her siblings, I quite happily would have been an only child!

So it comes down to what you feel you are physically and financially able for, and want.

Faith

I also don't get along with my sibling and now that we're adults, I have essentially no relationship with him, so I agree that there's no guarantees.

That goes further though. My sibling and I haven't lived in the same country since I was 18. He's on the opposite side of the world, and I spent most of my 20s and early 30s abroad. We barely know each other. Siblings won't necessarily stay in regular contact or live near each other in adulthood.

Beyond that, there are no guarantees of having healthy children, particularly with older pregnancies. How would your husband and you cope if you had a child with a serious physical disability, requiring regular lifting, handling and moving? What about a cognitive disability where they may never be able to live independently? Would you be happy for your current child to be a young carer, and possibly resenting a sibling for their extra needs? I've worked with parents of children with disabilities and the biggest concern is nearly always "Who will take care of them when we die".

I can't possibly answer your question of should you have another child, but I would say, if your reasoning is just that your current child might be lonely when you die, that's a very flimsy reason. I agree with the previous posters who have suggested making sure your current child is getting all of the love, attention and support that he possibly can from you. Once his needs are met, then he'll be happy.

Neyite

I've an only child who's ten now. We did try for a sibling and it didn't happen for us. I felt quite guilty about that until I saw the turnout for his grandad's funeral who was also an only child. The amount of friends that man had who were as close to him as a sibling was really surprising.

Anyway, my son did ask about why he's an only child, and we had a nice chat about it, it doesn't seem to affect him as he's got a lot of friends, has neighbourhood kids to play with and he's got cousins locally as well that he's close to - we moved to be closer to family and happily that's worked out wonderfully. I am confident that when we are six foot under that he won't be lonely. Occasionally he wishes that he had a brother but then he spends some time with his cousins and sees them squabbling and falling out on a daily basis and he sees the reality of siblings and likes the fact that he he's got our full attention, his toys stay put and all that.

I do make much more of an effort to hold sleepovers and play dates and I don't care if the other parents aren't in a position to reciprocate. He's got a bunk bed with a pull out extra bed so his room can sleep 3, and at this age there's not much minding.

I think it does depend on the child though.

Either choice you make I think could be ok. You could have another and they could be chalk and cheese (like me and my sister) or they could be as thick as thieves, or he could be absolutely grand as an only with heaps of friends, or he might not have a whole heap of friends and be absolutely content at that too.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058270092/to-have-another-baby-or-not

I was born when my mum was 42 - she had my brother a year later and Im very glad to have him. It was good to have a sibling to play with as we grew up. More and more people are having kids later in life now. The people that I know that are only children - all would have loved a sibling.

Now my parents are in their 80's and I have kids of my own. I am so glad to have my brother around to share the load of caring for my elderly parents.

Yeah you'll be busy for a few years but its worth it. I have 3 kids and its great watching them play and laugh together. In my experience the 2nd child is less work than the first - they entertain each other.

Go for it straight away OP.

What does your husband think OP?

Going for a second child would mean you could have two college age children when one or both of you would be retired - would that be an issue for you?

I can't imagine you will find extra energy in the next few years.

spaceHopper

If you live somewhere where this is a good green and lots of other kids around then I think they will be fine. I've two kids close in age, they are best friends and mortal enemies. However our doorbell is worn out with kids calling for them, particularly for my son. My sister has one daughter and it more down to how they raise her and living in a gated house but the poor child has no real friends and is feeling it.

Wheety

Hi OP

We're in a similar situation. We currently have an almost 3 year old. We'd like one more but if we were to get pregnant, by the time the baby is born we would both be 42.

The baby has 4 uncles but no aunts or cousins so there's a bit of a thought that we'd like them to have a sibling. We're trying but there's no guarantee. We've already had a miscarriage, but we'll see what happens.

Theboinkmaster

This is such a personal decision - there is no right answer.

sit with your husband and do up a pros and cons list and make a decision together as a couple.

ChippingSodbury

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119829014#Comment_119829014

I can beat that: my kids have 7 aunties (5 + 2) and no uncle!

OP, friends are great but that old expression "blood is thicker than water" always holds true. Having said that, as a previous poster said, there is no right answer. If your kid gets a sibling, he'll grow up as having a sibling and know no different: the opposite is also true.

Furze99

You might have come across the old family film 'Cheaper By The Dozen'!! Twelve kids is a bit extreme nowadays but you get the idea.

A first child requires quite a deal of change to how lives run, so an extra one is not really going to add much, particularly if they are close enough in age.

Paddy1234

I don’t think you’ll ever regret having a second child but you may regret not having a second. That’s my twopence worth.

daheff

Go for it. At least have a lot of fun trying to make another.

Good for kids to have brothers & sisters. Good for the kids to learn to share at home. single kids seem to be spoilt a bit more than kids in bigger families.

Especially as you get older.

Think of it that by the time your youngest is 18, you husband is going to be almost 70.

(Sorry this is a little bit morbid) In the situation where maybe one or both of you die a little early then your kids will need each other to lean on to get by.

Even as parents age they need a bit more help. Better to share that between kids than load it all on one child.

On the plus side, 2 kids mean higher possibility of grandkids (or more of them).

Anyways, for the second child you know a lot more of what's going on and can handle it better. And sure the 3rd child just rears itself

walshb

I’m not at all understanding the “they may not get along.” Why bother having children at all if that is the case. You’re 42. You still have few years. Plenty women have baby 1,2,3…aged 43 and older. I say go for it. I’d really doubt you’d regret it, but you might regret not trying.

sporina

go with your gut.. xxx

wildwillow

My son became an only child at age 3 when his older brother died. He is a well adjusted adult with a wide circle of friends, a lovely wife and children. What I’m saying is that there is no way to guarantee any family set up.

Don't make the decision based solely on providing a sibling.

maninasia

Either way OP it will work out.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058270092/to-have-another-baby-or-not

We had two under two for a while. Initially the plan was to have just one child but we enjoyed him so much that we quickly realized we wanted two. They are now aged 4 and 6 and yes, it was tough at times, absolutely delightful at others, but on the whole I have no doubt that I will look back on the past 6 years as among the best of my life, halcyon days.

We tried to have a third (wife is 40) but there was a chromosomal disorder and it didn't work out. We will give ourselves 4 months to try again and see what happens.

You cannot think only of the difficulties when they're young. You have to imagine what it will be like when they're 10, 20, 30, and 40 years old. Who wouldn't wish to have their adult kids, partners and grandkids with them for Christmas dinner, for example?

You also have to consider the impact on your finances, dynamic with spouse, etc.

The Real President Trump

Yes do, go for it

If you didn't want to you wouldn't even need to ask, you ask because the opinion of others matters some to you, others are not you, grow your family and enjoy

I think deep down you likely know the answer, either way. Go with that.

suilegorma

I think if you decide for whatever reason you want another to go for it straight away. 2 under 2 is hard. But also so is 2 under 3 and so on. I wouldn't let being very busy for a few years decide. It will be busy no matter what the age gap.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058270092/to-have-another-baby-or-not

As someone who had “irish twins” ( I hate that term) in my mid 40’s my advice is fire away. Apart from little things in their terrible threes the are the best of friends. 1 boy and his younger sister. Its hard work but soo rewarding.

notAMember

As others said, make sure you are prepared for a potential birth defect.

Your current child is 6 months old. I know that in some cases, parental age related health issues are not diagnosed until much later, maybe when the child is in school and is missing developmental milestones that the teacher notices. Or even into adulthood.

Your husbands age is relevant here as he is almost a decade older than you. Old fathers (40+) increase the risk of cardiovascular disorders , chromosome disorders , facial deformities etc. Fathers (50+) raises the risk higher again: 200% increased risk of chromosomal abnormalities. 1000% increased risk of disease due to single gene mutations. 500% increased risk of childhood and adult diseases (autism, schizophrenia, bipolar, epilepsy etc).

To people who say they've never heard of people who regretted having a second child, I have certainly heard it from parents trying to look after a violent teenager, with a severe mental illness, having been thrown down the stairs by them. Your husband would be almost 70 by the time your child is in late teens and potentially uncontrollable.

I'm not saying don't do it, but take ownership of your choices and make sure you have supports in place in case something happens and you end up managing a severe disability.

victor8600

I would say go for it. Sure, having two children under 5 is stressful, but it gets better when they are both in school and have friends and hobbies.

anndub

My husband is an only child. In his view it made little difference to him as a child but he did have lots of kids in neighbouring houses to play with and holidayed with his cousins.

As his parents have aged and his mother died suddenly a couple of years ago he has really started to feel the burden of going it alone. There are no shared memories and the absence of sharing the experience if losing his mother with anyone was felt acutely. He is also hyper aware that when his father dies his "history" also goes as it is all very personal to him. I think this is probably especially relevant as your child is likely to be on the younger side when he loses his parents

Modulok

My former manager was an older gentleman who had only one child. After my wife and I had our first, he called me into the office one day and said he'd like to offer some advice, if I was interested. He said don't have just one child. He said he and his wife, as they get older, worry about their child being all alone after they pass. I was really affected by the way he expressed it, considered it deeply, and it was a factor in our eventual decision to have another child. We are delighted with both of them (age 6 and 4) and want to have a third.

In my opinion you should not consider the difficulties of having two young children at the same time, because this is a short period. They grow up fast. You have to imagine who you would like sitting around your Christmas dinner table thirty years in the future. Consider the big picture.