He is an alcoholic and I’m pregnant again. What to do ?

madonna123

I need some advise fast … I don’t mind if you have experience in this situation or not , I just need to see things from the outside looking in 

I am in my late 30’s and I am 8 weeks pregnant. The father is a chronic and abusive alcoholic. We have a 16 month old child already. 

Things started out ok, he drank socially and sometimes things got overboard. I found out a year into the relationship he had issues with alcoholism in the past and he had been to rehab twice before. 

When we got pregnant his drinking escalated and continued that way until he went back into rehab again 6 months ago. 

He stayed sober for 10 weeks and things are right back to the same now. 

He disappears for days on end, never shows up to take child when I have appointments or if I have to work while she’s sick and can’t go to childcare. 

When he does show up he is abusive, blaming me, then picks her up so he can shout at me and I can’t shout back. 

He rarely contributes financially to the home or our daughter. 

It all seems clean cut .. leave him BUT This is where I’m so caught up.. I’m 8 weeks pregnant and I so badly would like to have another child. 

I work full time and am trying to build up my career , climb the ladder a little , I am studying for a professional qualification. 

My mother had an illness several years, she now has an acquired brain injury, no short term or long term memory , I have to help out a little with her care and In turn I don’t have her to help me out with anything anymore. 

I have some family that live not too far away but none are really in a position to help out with my daughter. 

I am trying to buy my home I share with daughters father, owned by his sister but it’s proving almost impossible trying to save and get approval while I am the sole income in the home and paying for everything. 

My life has literally become working full time Monday to Friday, crèche pick up / drop off , home dinner , bath , bed. The all weekend it’s just me and my daughter. 

I rarely see anyone or do anything 

Between trying to save for mortgage and not having anyone around. 

Somedays it would be amazing if he just showed up and looked after her for an hour so I could go do something or just sit on my own in silence. 

I have had to cancel so many plans from him not showing up my friends are starting to drift. 

People say , join a class , go to a group to help but who minds the child ? I can’t afford a babysitter and family are sometimes available but not regularly or at weekends. 

So my question is .. do I have the second child ? Would my life become even worse? Would we end up in basic poverty? 

Is it fair to bring another child into the world that will grow up with a father that’s an alcoholic? 

I am very much aware of issues around the effects of alcoholic parents on children , and this is something that really worries me. 

It’s very hard to see anything from the outside right now , I’m so stuck inside the dark hole I’m lost

sniperman

i lived with an abusive alcoholic for 34 years,i never drank,she was barred from the house after a knife attack on me,anyway i wont go into details,im now on my own for 3 years,as for your post,ill just say these 2 things,first,no child should have to go through life living with an alcoholic or drug addict,2,better living alone than with the wrong person..you come across as as good person,dont throw your life away on a drunk

Jequ0n

I think you need to accept that you will be a single parent to either one or two children in the long run. By the sounds of it you are already living like a single parent anyway.

While I understand the career aspirations and wanting to buy a place you have to be realistic and accept that this will likely not be possible in the near future.

Don’t buy property with your partner, especially not from family relations.

Princess Calla

I think you need to make a clean break from him ,draw a line in the sand and say it's finished I'm on my own.

Once you make peace that you are on your own you can manage your time better.

At this age children really are a slog. I found once they hit around 3 they became more independent and your lil buddy.

I think if you have the second child you will survive,it will be tough but you will get there.

Once he's gone from the house 100% could you maybe change your childcare option? An au pair or live in nanny might work out better for you as no creche runs etc. It will give you more working flexibility.

Regarding children of alcoholics, I think the main issue is when they are forced to grow up in the chaotic environment of an alcoholic. Then the constant let downs and lack of being able to depend on the parent. So again once he's removed from the children's life they should be fine. While every situation is different many children of alcoholics blame the other parent more or are more resentful of the parent for keeping them in an unsafe chaotic environment, especially where violence and aggression are involved so do bare that in mind too.

You can do it. It will be hard work but parenting is hard work.

I also think when people realise that you are a single parent they will be more understanding to your situation.

When you cancel plans were you honest and say "I'm living with an alcoholic and he has let me down again" or did you cover for him and say "something has come up and I can't make it" ?

The second excuse makes you flakey and to your friends you don't value them, which is far from the truth, but if they don't know your situation how can they make allowances for you. Instead of heading out with friends you could do a wine /take away night in yours etc

Best of luck you can do it....you already have your shoes on you just need to take the first step

madonna123

I have spent the past year and a half trying to find somewhere within my budget to rent near her childcare but it’s so off limits that I’m starting to feel like this house is the only alternative to homelessness.

I applied for all the help from local authorities but they see the house I am in as suitable accommodation , I can be declared homeless but because I ‘choose’ to leave a perfectly good home I will not have any accommodation given , not even hotel room or B&B until they reach me on a list.

it’s actually really isolating and controlling being in these situations because as much as everyone says their help .. there’s phone lines to call , and food hampers but what use is a tin of beans or a kind ear when you’re living in your car with a one year old and still need to show up to work everyday !

madonna123

your words are making me cry

thank you

I know everything you are saying is so right and true I just need to get out of this hole.

Somedays are really hard , I work from home 4 days per week , this means atleast 4/5 days a week I see nobody except for crèche drop off and pick up.

I know all the practical things can be tackled, I think it’s just the psychological hurdles , the loneliness .

I feel like constantly burdening my friendship with this stuff is driving a wedge between our friends and I don’t want to be that person who is constantly in a bad place

sniperman

i now live in a 3 bedroom council house on my own,and i know of a few more doing the same,with the housing situation the way it is now,i think thats appalling,i have for the past 2 years asked the council to downsize me and give this house to a family,but theres nothing according to them available to put me in,i have even advertised for a swap to a smaller place,but nothing yet,....to the op,i deeply sympathize with your situation,its hard,i know,but to you and anyone male or female,if you are being abused,controlled,if your kids are living in fear,get a safety or barring order,then you wont have to leave the home,look at all the information online concerning such,all the best

Dial Hard

I think having another baby in your current situation would a) be incredibly unfair on the child and b) make an already almost untenable situation for you even worse. I know that's very easy for me to say from the other side of a computer screen but if I had a friend or family member in this situation, I would be counselling them to think long and hard about whether continuing this pregnancy is in anyone's best interests. You're already struggling both financially and mentally, how will that look with another child to pay for childcare for, to watch your husband either ignore or weaponise depending on his humour that day or hour?

I think you need help to leave this relationship. I know you've listed all the reasons why that looks impossible from your current viewpoint, but what does the future look like if you stay? For you and for your daughter? I would start speaking to a couple of professionals - counselling and legal - and get proper support for your own mental health and real-world advice on what your options are.

Also, I'd advise engaging with AlAnon if you haven't already.

And I know this is going to sound very cold, but I genuinely don't mean it that way - but if you choose to end this pregnancy, make sure things are taken care of contraception-wise in future.

Beat of luck. I can't imagine how impossible your situation must feel.

walterking

I'd certainly agree with above posts and I suspect you know in your head that you need to separate yourself from him.

I would suggest looking at online/ hybrid groups. There are many about and one option for you might be Toastmasters which is a public speaking and leadership club with over 100 in Ireland and very much a social format and several online and hybrid clubs.

SuperBowserWorld

Alcohol is really and truly the curse that keeps on giving in Ireland. We will never be whole if we continue to let this destroy lives and support the industry in the way we currently do.

I hope things work out for you OP and you get peace and quiet in your life.

handlemaster

I think the OP is already a single parent just needs to courage to cut this guy loose. And she has courage in bucket lots.. life would only be better without this current partner. If having a child hasn't woken him up to his issue hard to see what will. Anyhow bigger picture the two babys need looking after and with a sick mother also this guy needs to be cut loose.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119807820#Comment_119807820

Sorry, but what is joining Toastmasters supposed to do for a pregnant woman in a very vulnerable position? She needs professional advice and support, not help with public speaking.

walterking

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119807874#Comment_119807874

If you read the full post she finds going to classes / groups difficult due to lack of child minding options.

She is also trying to get further in her job.

Public speaking is any form of speaking including if a team leader or manager in a workplace. Toastmasters is also about building confidence and leadership.

It is an ideal option for the poster as there are several hybrid clubs including two in Kildare according to Google. It will give her both a social outlet and most likely assist in her in her aim of furthering her career and that takes away some of the worry she has.

EOQRTL

Clean break OP. In the short term it will be very hard on you but in a few years time it will make perfect sense. My dad was a mean alcoholic and it destroyed everything and everyone in his life until the day he died.

You can do it but more importantly you must do it for the sake of the kids and their future.

Wanderer78

a truly dreadful situation, im terrible sorry op, but unfortunately your partner will probably never change, its time to move on from this 'relationship', this maybe a very controversial opinion but here goes, you may need to consider termination, you require professional counselling, to help you deal with the level of abuse you have been experiencing during this relationship, and possible some other emotional issues that have lead you into it in the first place, and that have kept you in it, including making decisions to have a family with such a dysfunctional person. im not trying to blame you here, these type of situations occur, but its extremely important to try stop dysfunction from escalating, which is very likely to occur, unless such professionals are introduced.

such a therapist can guide you through this extremely difficult situation, so that better decisions can be made, that benefits all, without which, its very likely poor decisions will be made, escalating the dysfunctions. its extremely important you are in a better place before more kids are considered, and choosing the right partner is critical, such a therapist would help you greatly in this, this person is absolutely not the right person for you and your kids. if you decide to proceed with this pregnancy, a therapist can also help you with this decision

i wish you and your family the very best in this extremely difficult situation, your gp is probably the best first call, good luck

Tork

OP, I strongly advise you to seek some counselling about this. The HSE runs a crisis pregnancy service (link here) but perhaps you need a counsellor who specialises in relationship problems? Like most people here I'm only a lay person. I think the advice to talk to your GP first is good advice and he/she can point you in the right direction. While your current pregnancy is what I'd consider to be a crisis pregnancy, it's just another addition to an already difficult situation.

To me, you need to let go of two significant things in your current life. The first is your relationship. It sounds absolutely awful and I worry about what damage it will do to your daughter. She might be only 16 months old but already she will be picking up on the toxic vibes at home. That's only going to get worse as she gets older. She needs to grow up in a safe environment away from an abusive parent who also happens to be an alcoholic.

The second thing is your plan to buy a home. I understand why you want security for you and your family but what a terrible option your current one is. Your partner is the worst person you could possibly buy a home with, and buying from his sister is just bringing a whole load of extra woe onto your floor. You might end up with a roof over your head for now but it will inevitably turn into a self-imposed prison cell. Don't do it.

madonna123

Every single piece of advice everyone has given is both valid , correct and what I know deep down in my heart

In response to a couple of things

firstly , I started counselling but I had to stop , I couldn’t afford the sessions and I couldn’t afford to pay for extra child care to go to the sessions.

I was stuck between paying a household bill or food each week and the counselling session.

Secondly , my GP gave me medication to terminate pregnancy but I haven’t got anyone to take my daughter long enough so I can take it , I know it’s sounds like a joke but I genuinely have not got 24 hours where she is taken care of to take it.

This is exactly what it’s like as a single parent in this isolation situation, and it’s so heartbreaking because I was an old child until 12 and I hated it , I swore I never wanted that for my family , and also at my age I think this will be my last opportunity to have a child.

I feel a mixture of anger and sadness all at the same time.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119808625#Comment_119808625

im extremely outraged with the way our society is completely failing you, you re currently in a crisis situation, please contact crisis pregnancy services immediately, counselling will probably be provided to you via such services

madonna123

What I don’t understand is … how do single lone parent women or men do this ?

It’s so hard , a baby screaming and crying , managing on 2/3 hours sleep working full time and it’s just relentless, there’s no break , there’s no help.

so many hours of the day feel hopeless, I just cry and cry

I just don’t know how people do this and strive .

I read stores about people who juggle this , exercise everyday , study , excel in a career and have perfect high achieving children !

I am coming apart at the seams

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119808649#Comment_119808649

encase you missed the link above for crisis pregancy

https://www2.hse.ie/services/unplanned-pregnancy-support-services/my-options-freephone-line.html?gclid=Cj0KCQjwnvOaBhDTARIsAJf8eVMxn7ojNMfZ869hCXpl2ws_GG8RfJUoT9qLTAHHngXMjzfTdrw3eiYaAp23EALw_wcB&gclsrc=aw.ds

Freephone: 1800 828 010

Furze99

That's a difficult place to be in at the moment. I do see above you say "I have some family that live not too far away but none are really in a position to help out with my daughter."

I think you do need to reach out to those family members and get whatever short term help is needed to get past your current problems.

I rarely agree offhand with posters who advise - get rid of him/ her etc. But in this case, it does read very much like you have to cut ties with this man. As soon as possible & practical. Otherwise he's likely to be a source of misery and hardship for years to come.

Best of luck.

NiceFella

Hey OP, very sorry to hear of your troubles.

I know you mentioned your Mam needs care etc. Would it be impractical to move in with her in the short to mid-term? I know this is prob not ideal at all. Have you spoke with your family? Speak to them if not, you should not be going through this alone. They could perhaps offer some temp solutions. I would agree another baby is the last you need in this situation tbh. Call that crisis preg helpline and get the couselling of course and then focus your energy's on getting away from this chap, they won't change ever, he'll just wear you down.

Big Bag of Chips

I have some family that live not too far away but none are really in a position to help out with my daughter. 

Have you asked? And I don't mean ask for just help to take your daughter, but help to get you out of the situation you're in. I have 4 children in 2 schools, various activities, work fulltime. I am not really in a position to help out any of my siblings with their childcare or even babysitting too much. I have so much going on every evening. But if my sister rang me with even a quarter of your story I'd be shifting people around to move her in with me and away from the situation she found herself trapped in. I'm guessing you hide a lot of what's actually happening from your family and friends. I'm guessing they don't know just how bad his drinking is, and how bad life is for you. As the partner of an alcoholic I can only imagine how much you hide, minimise, lie, deny. You need to stop hiding and pretending. You need to tell people and you need to ask for help.

2 years ago I texted my sister and asked her how many she'd have room for. She said "as many as you need". I walked out of my house with 4 children after my husband's drinking and behaviour had become unbearable. She wouldn't often have been in a position to come over and babysit, or to take my children for a night etc. But when she knew I needed actual proper help, there was no question. I had never spoken to my family about his drinking. They knew a lot, but not how bad it was to live with. Yet when I asked for help they were all there.

You live your life to keep his life easy. You consider him and what he'll think before you consider what's best for you. What will he say if you do x, what will he think if you do y. You have to get to the point where you don't care. Talk to someone. Tell them. It will help.

Mad_maxx

This guy is toxic and it’s not you’re job to fix or carry him , end it for you and you’re kids future

madonna123

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119809357#Comment_119809357

Sometimes it just feels like they will see me as this nuisance , interfering with their lives.

I am the oldest and I suppose I feel like I should have everything together and the one who helps everyone else.

When my mum got sick I gave up my job , moved home for a year and stepped in so everyone else could get on with jobs and lives.

Now I feel like to return home or ask for help would be like letting them down , or subconsciously telling them I’m weak and I can’t help them if they need me.

Then the practicalities, I work from home several days per week so that’s setting up an office in the house , a small baby in a house where it’s only adults , (my parents and sisters in their 20’s)

I guess I just feel like not being able to stand on my own two feet I’ll create an even bigger problem.

I think my confidence is just shattered ,

I would always jump at a promotion or try move up the ladder in my career and now I feel like if I did , my superiors would just end up being let down with my life the way it is .

Hannibal_Smith

Madonna124, don't be so hard on yourself. You can stand on your own two feet, it sounds like you've been doing it for quite some time. But no one could face down the barrel of the possibility of 2 small children with a partner who sounds as if hes fairly absent and an alcoholic and not need to ask for help from family and friends. You've given up things so other family members could have their time. Now it's time for the family to rally around you. Your confidence is broken and who wouldn't have confidence issues given the relationship issues you're going through. But to hold down a job, raise a small child and look after your sick mother takes a cracking amount of resilience.

You've been kind and generous to others, there is absolutely no weakness in asking for help. Its the sensible step to take.

Tork

I was going to say you sound like the stereotypical "eldest daughter" but you've now said that's where you fall in the family. You've shouldered a disproportionate amount of family burden and because of that, everyone else has stepped back. We've all seen it happen in families and it's a tale as old as time. You've been doing it since you were a kid. Even now you're talking about how you feel you should have your life together just because you're the eldest. That sort of talk doesn't make any rational sense whatsoever. Your younger siblings are all adults too and they're just as capable of living in the adult world as you are. I also think you're underestimating the help you might get from your family. Do you really think that none of them have the generosity you have?

I think your embarrassment at your choice of life partner is feeding into this too. It isn't easy to admit to your nearest and dearest that you've hitched yourself to somebody as awful as your partner. Now you're trapped in a mess that you'll say is of your own making. I really hope that you can find it within yourself to swallow your pride and talk to at least one of your siblings. I think you'll find that they've noticed far more than you think and are perhaps waiting for you to reach out. They might have already figured out that you're in trouble but have been afraid to say anything in case it drives you away. All that seems to be driving you away at the moment is you. You've got a long list of problems which you've decided you can't overcome, before even talking to somebody. Is there any sibling at all you could ring up and talk to? You don't have to tell them everything. But I think spilling all of this out to somebody will help put your thoughts in order. You're bouncing all over the place at the moment.

Big Bag of Chips

You're not giving your family the chance. You're coming up with all sorts of reasons and excuses why you can't change your situation. That's ok. You're not ready yet. It took me many many many years to be ready. The sister I texted was my younger sister. I would have always been the "in charge" one. But when you're adults older or younger siblings doesn't come into it. You're all adults.

You will make the decisions and choices that are right for you at the time. Looking back you might say you could have/should have made different choices, but that will be irrelevant. The decisions you make at various times are the decisions you are able for at those times. So don't be too hard on yourself. You will come to your decisions when you ready. But you need to recognise that you are the one that needs to make changes. Because he won't. Not while everything stays the same. Why would he?

Find one person you trust. Just one person who you can talk to. They will be invaluable for you.

Read this. It's a good place to start

Sigyn

Been there, done that. I walked away after one child. Do yourself a favour and build yourself a life in which you are not dependent on an alcoholic. It never ends well. My son is now 18, we have a good life. He is now the total town drunk.

dbas

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119809357#Comment_119809357

Great advice and great strength. Well done

dbas

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058269554/he-is-an-alcoholic-and-i-m-pregnant-again-what-to-do

Make a plan and grab the child and run. Reach out to your network and find the strength to do it.

Ten weeks sober in all that time says everything. Bloody child he is. You've enough on your plate and an alcoholic parent is a horrible thing. Memories still stuck with me and I'm nearly 40. So you reared a child until one, with an alcoholic partner (you're practically rearing him and all)

I have to admire your strength. My wife and I have 3 kids under 6. I can't imagine how she'd cope if I didn't muck in. The workload is immense in the early years. Minding an older child around a new born, while a dipso is asleep at your feet is going to be impossible.

Sounds like you know what to do but are doubting your strength.

You've got it.

Do it.

Ps. Having the second child is a choice only you can make. You can't rear a family around him, one child or two.