It's over, isn't it?

kylith

Feel a bit sick writing this, like it's admitting it out loud to someone.

OH and I are both 40. We have been together 6 years and have 2 kids, 4 and 2. And I think our relationship is not going to last much longer. He is autistic.

We both work part time, I work 1 day a week from home and the rest of the time I am a SAHM, he works 3 days out of the house. We make ok money since we own our house outright. He does practically nothing around the house. Barely any cleaning, almost zero laundry, cooks maybe once a week. He spends all his time, including time he's looking after the kids while I work, on his phone; either on twitter or playing whatever game he's gotten into recently. He stays up late at night and doesn't get up in the morning, so I do all the morning stuff and it's not unusual for me to have to yell at him to get up and mind 2yo while I take 4yo to ECCE. I get up at weekends to take the eldest to sport, often having to yell at him to get up and mind the younger one. I can't remember the last time I slept past 7:30. He fights with our 4yo, and seems to play favourites. I could go on, but I don't want this to be a diatribe about his faults, I'm not perfect myself but I try to be better. Suffice to say that if it needs to be done, I do it, or I remind him to do it 400 times. Yes, I have spoken to him about this, many times.

We were both unemployed when we got together so we never went out much but we used to have fun hanging out. Recently when I suggested going to dinner and a movie he said no, he'd torrent it in a few weeks. Our love life is nil since our youngest was born, I tell him it's hormones but it's not just that; when I used to want to he'd do or say something that would completely turn me off (not even something he'd do sexually, but having to nag someone to put stuff in the dishwasher or clean up after themselves is not very sexy) and eventually any feeling just went away.

Like, I find myself thinking that if he moved out my life wouldn't be substantially different. I'd have to give up one of my hobbies but that would be it. I wouldn't really have any more work to do and would probably be less stressed because I wouldn't be expecting help that wasn't going to come. I find myself looking at houses near my parents, and looking at schools in their area. I know they'd take me and the kids in while we got settled because they 100% hate my OH, seeing him as a lazy ass. My best friend keeps telling me to kick him out. Reading this, and logically I'd tell myself the same thing, but what do you tell a toddler? How do you tell them that they won't be living with their daddy any more? We don't fight; he'll start getting worked up about something and I'll walk away because I don't want the kids to see us shouting at each other, but I know that kids pick up on when their parents aren't happy and it's not good for them in the long run. Why am I with him in the first place? He's cute and funny, I was in my late 30s and wanted kids, and I didn't realise even though I should have that he wasn't going to start putting effort in even after the kids were born.

I don't know what I want from this forum. Validation maybe? Ideas on how to move forward. Stories form people in the same situation. Maybe to just have said it...

Dial Hard

The children aren't a reason to stay. I know it seems like an insurmountable problem but the reality is that couples with children break up every day of the week. Kids adapt, they're more resilient than we generally give them credit for. Any child is better off with separated, happy parents than a miserable unit.

Have you considered counselling? I say that because I don't think anyone should walk away from a marriage/relationship with children without at least giving it a go, but honestly, it sounds like you've known since you got together that this man had issues that weren't necessarily reconcilable and you accepted that in order to have children. That doesn't mean you have to continue to accept them, though.

*Your* happiness is also worth something.

kylith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119696182#Comment_119696182

Yeah, like I knew he was messy but, like so many before me, I thought that over time 'don't leave rubbish on the counter' would become just something you do. Jesus, I'd be happy leaving my dishes on the sink all day too, but my children deserve to live in a nice house. What's really hacking me off though is the phone. Like, 'pay attention to your children when you are minding them' should not have to be a special request. I live in fear that something will happen them and he won't know because Clash of Clans or whatever was more interesting. More than once I've had to raise my voice to tell him that his child, standing mere inches from his face, would like his attention.

kylith

I've thought about counselling, but I don't know if that would be prolonging the inevitable. I've talked to him. I've told him exactly what the issue is in plain language with no dancing around. I don't know what else counselling could do.

Faith

It sounds like, for one reason or another, he's a very egocentric person in the sense that he will only do something if it directly benefits him. He has been getting away with not doing anything he doesn't want to because you do it for him. It doesn't sound like he'll change while there's an easier path.

On the other hand, being a single parent could spur him on to be a better father. If you're not there to do everything for him, maybe he'll finally do it himself because he has to, including paying attention to the kids. You worry leaving could put the kids at risk, but there's a chance it'll improve things instead.

I'm sorry, kylith, it does sound to me like it's over. It doesn't sound like there was ever an amazing foundation for your relationship, and it doesn't sound like either of you have the interest or motivation to build one at this point. It's important to allow yourself time to process and grieve, though.

It sounds like, for one reason or another, he's a very egocentric person in the sense that he will only do something if it directly benefits him.

That would be pretty standard autistic spectrum behaviour. It's because they don't see anything beyond their own needs and if no one is spelling it out what they are doing wrong or what help they need from them they don't see it at all. Often they are quite willing to help, but need a set of clear instructions.

YellowLead

I think you are brave etc say it out loud and be ready to take those steps. Far too many people stay in crappy relationships because the effort of splitting seems like too much.

There is no joint effort and no real care, why should you spend the rest of your days accepting that. And let this be a lesson to anyone else reading - being in your late thirties and wanting kids is not a reason to marry somebody, people do this all the time then resent the partner they married because they didn’t magically change.

OP you will have less house work to do without him and you will be happier. However - you might need to increase the working hours - one day a week isn’t usually feasible for people in split households (unless one or both are loaded). It’s great your parents will take you and the kids in if needed, but you don’t want to be a burden on them forever. If you both own the house you are in that is positive at least - you have equity.

kylith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119696417#Comment_119696417

Which is why I have been very clear with what is bugging me. I have even left him a clear list of stuff that needs to be done on his day with the kids. But nothing lasts longer than I'm standing there. The fact that he's autistic is, tbh, why I'm questioning myself so much; I don't want to overreact because of NT expectations. But I can't put up with this for the rest of my life. I can't keep doing everything and keeping track of everything while he plays on his phone.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119696453#Comment_119696453

100% - I wasn't for a second suggesting you have to put up with it. Your happiness and sanity is important too.

It looks like you got what you wanted from him and now want to leave. No judgement, it is what it is.

You have a paid off house which you have equity in. What's the plan on disposing of that or are you okay with him living there (while you move into your parents) while he shares the parenting duties.

kylith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119696552#Comment_119696552

While I disagree, I can see how it would look that way. I did, and do, enjoy spending time with him; we have interests in common and he has a great sense of humour. But it takes more than that to run a household.

No, I have no plan in how we would dispose of assets. That is something that I would have to discuss with him, and possibly a solicitor if need be.

Furze99

In truth, only hearing one side of the story here. Sometimes people have quite different expectations of what constitutes a 'clean' house. Hard to know, but could well that'd he'd prefer to do household chores etc when it suits in his own good time. Do you ever give enough slack for that to happen or perhaps just get on and do it yourself and deny the opportunity?

Like above, some counselling could well help and get you to see each others perspectives and expectations. You seem to have stuff in common as well and all is not bad. No mention of violence or anything like that.

jackboy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119696592#Comment_119696592

Make him get rid of the phone and replace with a non internet one. Make it clear that ye are done if he disagrees.

...Ghost...

Do you understand autism and how his reality and routine is very different from your own? If not, it may help you to do some research to give you better insight. It sounds like you've done a little, but don't really get it.

Speaking as someone with that mindset I can tell you that he really needs to replace the gaming with something more constructive. Shouting at him will do nothing but frustrate you both. I agree with an above poster who spoke about cleanliness and chores. Maybe it's just men (mostly) but I don't see dirt and untidiness the same as my Wife does. It drives her nuts, but I just don't see it most of the time and won't clean something I don't see as dirty. This can mean missing a few dishes in the sink....for me, it needs to be out of place, like on the counter and to be there for a while....like a couple of hours.

You're not being honest with your partner, or are telling half truths, so maybe start there and in a non-confrontational way. You need to distance yourself from your parents negativity as this is definitely having a detrimental effect on how you view your relationship with your partner. Also I disagree with another poster about broken families. Kids statistically do far better when parents stay together, but that shouldn't be the reason for staying together. I hope this helps a little.

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119697161#Comment_119697161

"At least there's no violence" is not a commendable baseline for any relationship. Jesus christ.

triddles

Sorry what is this -" My best friend keeps telling me to kick him out" . What has he done to warrant being kicked out of his home? Your best friend sounds lovely.

bad2thebone

As a guy I can see how some of our habits are self destructive in a relationship. I'm one of those guys who needs a kick in the behind now and again. It's not that we're lazy it's just because we're just not as aware of untidiness and boundaries. I'm talking about guy's similar to me.

Not every guys like me.

I have a partner for 4 year's but we're not living together, I respect her homestead. But if I was living with her full time I'd drive her cracked. I binge tidy and clean and I could have a cup sitting in the one spot for a week in my own house then there's a few lying around. I'm sure that's enough for anyone to get peaved off.

Or unopened mail throw on the step of the stairs 4 empty shampoo bottles in the shower stand.

I clean the house a few times a week and very hygienic as in there's always clean sheets, floor's, worktops, toilet's etc but certain things are like a mental block. It's not intentional. My mum or sister would remember stuff lying in the same place for a month or two if they called over.

I'm not cut out for it, buying books and never reading them. Waiting for the apocalypse to read in candle light or some excuse in my head. CDs still in their wrapping. Big sould system that gets loads of attention. Streaming albums and have the CDs wrapped in their plastic covers on them. High end fishing gear lying against the wall in the hallway.

As for furnishings I'm totally gothic and my sitting room has pagan tapestries and animal furs covering a beautiful leather couch. As for my partner in her house she's minimalist and I'm like walking into a cross between a Celtic temple and gothic cathedral. Lot's of ornate wood and fur and tapestries.

Total opposite but we both have a good time for each other. I think some couples work better apart. I'm not suggesting that's going to help your situation. As you did ask people to post if they were in a similar situation.

Well I'm pretty hard work when it comes to domestic living and sharing spaces. She has a 5 year old son who I see when I spend time with her. I take him fishing and on small hikes around old buildings, castles and ringforts. He loves all that stuff. I tell him the history, and have a son myself he's 21 and his room is like a shop floor. Everything is cataloged, tidy and all where it would be if it was for sale. He works in retail.

I'd say your partner isn't a bad guy, just a man, maybe has that sigma type personality. Does his own thing, knows he loves you. But his expression of love isn't very domestic. Probably emotionally, supportive and understanding, funny and just lazy around the house.

As I said it doesn't sound like it's intentional.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119697455#Comment_119697455

Excuse me - but I did not write "At least there's no violence".

I wrote 'No mention of violence' in the OP's post. As in her spouse seems to be otherwise respectful of her....

Quite a different thing, read more carefully!

WertdeerSC

F**k being a doormat to a lazy partner quite frankly. You are right to be at your wit's end.

You should also make it extremely clear that he's to focus on the children when he is with them. I've played Xbox for years, and do you know the only time I play it? When the 2 and 6 year olds are asleep! Like tonight, I may consider a game for an hour.... after I've just prepped the slow cooker which does two nights of dinner for the two days I work away in the office. After I've already cooked dinner for us earlier on, filled the dishwasher, emptied the bins, got the 6yo to bed beforehand. All this BS about 'it's just men' from some men, no, he's a father, has a home, is meant to be a role model, he has responsibilities, he's not a 20 year old with only himself to mind, living like a batcheor. I'd be kicked to the kerb and rightly so. My wife is a SAHM but we both work equally hard in the home but in different ways, you have to, it's not easy with young children.

Ubbquittious

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119697161#Comment_119697161

This is true. If one person has even slightly higher expectations of cleanliness then that person will end up doing nearly all the work

Count Dracula

Op it is obvious that you are not happy with your married life and it reads like you don't fancy your husband either?

What a nightmare.

In what way does your child's autism manifest itself as a detriment to loving or caring for your husband? I respect that raising an autistic child will be challenging for your family, but it should not affect how you are attracted to your husband and how you should be caring for him, surely? If anything, this particular challenge should offer your family a chance to develop in a more loving way, it should be bringing you closer to your husband?

The tone of your description of your working life did not endow much enthusiasm, are you happy with your work life balance? On that point, why is your husband and/or you opting to work part time?

You need to try harder with your family as a whole , that includes your kids, your job and your husband. You cannot blame your unhappiness on everything around you. As the matriarch of your family you have a responsibility to nurture and care for it. That task does not stop after the household chores are finished either.

I find it compelling that you are associating your lack of libido on your husbands neglect of his share of the household cleaning, I think an unpacked dishwasher was mentioned? I never have, or will, let a messy kitchen get in the way of my love making? It is not a good enough excuse for you turning off the taps on your sex life. Never ever let a dirty kitchen get in the way of your sex life. Ever. Orgasms and other positive physical emotions are important things and were specifically designed to incentivize your love life, dishwashers should not come into consideration here, empty or full. Dishwashers clean dishes, they should not be influencing your sex life?

sprucemoose

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119697637#Comment_119697637

i think the male thing is a bollox excuse tbh im afraid. im a guy and i can tolerate some level of untidiness but i cant stand people who dont clean up after themselves in a shared space

kylith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119697881#Comment_119697881

My partner is autistic, not my child.

I do not have an issue with my work.

How exactly can I 'try harder' when I'm doing virtually everything 6 days a week?

Maybe it's just me, but I find it very difficult to want ta have sex with someone that I'm angry at.

Drog79

I think you're at the point where anger has so overtaken that there is no empathy.You said it's 'very difficult to want ta have sex with someone that I'm angry at.' I understand that, and in my case empathy helps me see people as more human, fallible and deserving of forgiveness. The rest can come a bit later.

All the man/ autism stuff aside, you should be able to ask for a week off. That's a clear enough instruction. I expect all the dish washing handled, kids played with (phone addiction...can you move that to Lego with kids?), Tidying done. I need that if you want me to be okay.

Hope some of that rings true.

osarusan

It doesn't sounds like there is much left in the relationship, and I wonder if he wasn't autistic (but everything else was the same) whether you would have left already.

Another thing to bear in mind is that I wouldn't expect to get every second weekend off, as this guy may not show any interest in/capability of parenting.

When you talk to him about this, does he realise that he spends too much time on his phone and that he needs to do more around the house? Or does he not even recognise that?

Faith

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119696453#Comment_119696453

Autistic people can and will change when motivated to. That motivation may be "If I do more cleaning, my partner will nag me less and I'll get to play my games uninterrupted", for example. Neurotypical people can be assholes, autistic people can be assholes, some people are just assholes. If someone can change, but refuses to, then that's a them problem, not a neurodivergence issue. Plenty of neurodiverse people successfully run households and raise kids without their partner nagging them every step of the way.

Kylith, you've addressed the autism facet and also clearly stated that you have explained what he needs to do multiple times. This tells us that he's just not listening to you. To think that will suddenly change is only fooling yourself tbh. You've pretty much hinted that your desire to settle and have kids meant that you ignored major red flags early on ("Why am I with him in the first place? He's cute and funny, I was in my late 30s and wanted kids, and I didn't realise even though I should have that he wasn't going to start putting effort in even after the kids were born."). You're coming to accepting that this is just him now, and it doesn't sound that he's actually what you want in a partner now that the goals of your future have changed.

I think @osarusan also makes an interesting point - could you be using the autism as an excuse to stay with him? If he wasn't autistic, would you stay?

bad2thebone

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119697887#Comment_119697887

I said not all guys are like me, so take your bollox somewhere else.

Note the line where I say not every guys like me.

So you have to tidy up your observation there buddy.

Count Dracula

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119698062#Comment_119698062

Sorry op, i completely got my generations mixed up here. I have misinterpretated your post.

How severe is his condition?

BruteStock

Here's the problem....... "We don't fight"

https://www.verywellmind.com/the-benefits-of-fighting-in-a-relationship-5191161

https://www.oprahdaily.com/life/relationships-love/a28124713/relationship-fights/

bucketybuck

The OP isn't looking after 2 children, she's looking after 3.

Life is short OP, don't waste yours babysitting a 40 year old.

Don't let others guilt trip you with guff about autism, it isn't a get out of jail free card for responsibility.

Furze99

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119698062#Comment_119698062

You really should separate out the intimacy bit from your general frustration at help with household tasks. Most relationships function better with an understanding about how often you have sex. If you're denying this on the basis of being pissed off, that will further eat away at him. Not a good strategy on your part. You haven't answered though, if you are giving the chap sufficient time & space to do these things. Don't demand that things be done, that puts the other persons back up. Say it would be helpful if they did so & so, get to point where they agree to do it and leave it up to them to do it in their own time. Don't step in and do it yourself, just because they haven't don't whatever the moment you wanted it done. That's controlling behaviour.

shesty

Phones, phones, phones.

I'm going to be honest here and say that I would cheerfully fling my OH's phone over a cliff at the first opportunity. He drives me demented with it. I have regularly told him put the **** phone away and actually pay attention when doing bedtime, getting the kids out the door to school, trying to move them along getting dressed - spending 20 mins browsing utter rubbish on the phone then arriving down and shouting at the kids because they aren't ready to get out the door and he is, it's his fault. Not the kids.

Some men seem to need that spelled out to them (some women too).

This is tricky Kylith. Because while I agree that the phone is a problem, the autism contributes to that. What I mean is that if he is playing a game on a phone, the rest of the world basically won't exist. He does not hear his child standing in front of him looking for attention. It's a hallmark of ASD.

I truly apologise for sweeping generalisations here, because I know there are plenty of great partners out there, but from my own experience and from listening to the experience of many friends, initiative is often lacking in many relationships when it comes to housework, cleaning and lifting the mental load - planning ahead to realise one child needs minding while the other is taken to ECCE. Again with autism, it's magnified (look up "executive functioning"). There is a debate really, about whether women make this worse by just getting on with doing all of the lifting - I think we do it for the kids mainly.

So I guess the question for you is is it worth while getting help for yourself to figure out way to help him get into the habit of managing day to day life with children? I would suggest, if you don't already, have a weekly planner and spell.it.out. day by day. Monday, 9am - you are childminding, I am doing the school run. Monday afternoon - I am working, you are doing the school run. Put the times beside it. And so on.Every week it goes up on the wall, you look through it with him Sunday nights. The sleeping thing - start saying you are doing breakfast on alternate days, and poke him awake on his days. Pointing out that an earlier bedtime will help him get up on those mornings might be useful....

But underneath all of this is do you want to? Do you want to go to the effort of getting him more involved in parenting his own children? Do you want to stay in a relationship with him? There are things and processes you can both use to help him be more involved, but do you want to?

Senature

I think the key here is in whether you can work together to resolve the major issues and develop a better partnership going forward. It will take work from both of you, and is more likely to succeed with the help of a therapist who understands the impact of autism on an intimate relationship.

Op look up Melissa Orlov, she provides some good insights for circumstances like yours.

Finally, don't be tempted to think you can just kick your partner out, and live happily ever after having removed that particular problem from your life. He is your children's father, and he has as much right to live in the house as you. I'm not saying you shouldn't break up if that's what needs to happen, just that it won't be a quick, easy or straightforward process, its good to be aware of that.

shesty

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119698685#Comment_119698685

The problem is saying it would be helpful is not going to mean anything to someone who is autistic. You have to say "can you do this please now". Doesn't mean you have to be rude or shout it, but hints and suggestions do not work.

I am not making autism the excuse for everything here, but there are subtle things like that which make it a little harder.

Senature

Also to add, what treatment or therapy does he receive for his autism? There would be help available from Occupational Therapists for example. He may find other types of therapy or certain activities therapeutic which would help him to be in a better headspace at home.

Not saying it's your job to "save" him, just that if he is not receiving adequate professional or other help he may struggle to have the capacity to change his behaviour to the extent you might be looking for.

You say he works, so he can obviously manage tasks and interactions with people well enough in that environment. That shows you that it is also possible for him to manage that at home also if he gets the right supports in place.

Jequ0n

This relationship is entirely unbalanced and you aren’t on equal footing at all. The way you describe your partner almost sounds like you are describing a child or teenager.

While he sounds frustrating you probably have to ask yourself how you contributed to this role division. Btw, I would refuse to do anything if someone, particularly my partner told me to do something.

Neyite

Counselling can help a couple separate more amicably, and figure out how to focus on how to parent effectively as separated parents - it's not just a tool to help couples stay together.

You sound like you've three kids, not 2. I remember hearing "you can't be a lover and a mother to a bloke" from a friend when I was with a boyfriend who seemed to expect me to sort out his life admin for him, and I think that's often true.

You aren't the first to have brushed aside the red flags - or thought that a committed relationship and kids would change a person. Don't beat yourself up about it - it's expected that when your partner becomes a parent something changes in terms of their priorities. It's healthier for the kids though that if you want to separate, that you do that while the kids are younger rather than older.

I wish you luck in the next stage, I'm sure you'll have ups and downs but you sound like you've got a good support group around you. Seek legal advice as well.

the_pen_turner

he sounds depressed to me

you dont mention anything about what either of you do to cope with his autism. is it managed and monitered

no mention of how either of ye change yourselves to cope with the autism.

no mention of what you are doing to help him

seem like a clasic case of i will change him later . people generally dont change that much and very rarely by being forced. a lot of people go into a marrage thinking that the other person will stop being themselves and do what the other person wants. people often marry a gamer messy person , overly tidy, likes going out to the pub with mates etc and then are shocked when the other person wants to stay doing what they always did

sounds like you settled for him so you could have kids not because you love him

CreadanLady

>>Mod snip<<

Post deleted and warning applied for being in breach of charter

irishliamo

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058265847/its-over-isnt-it

Hi Kylith, I felt compelled to respond to you. I am in my 40's, ASD and married with children (happily). I have scrolled boards.ie for years but today was the first time I wanted to write something I felt was possibly worthwhile to someone online; I don't interact on-line much, that's just my preference.

There is a lot of empathy coming from your OP which tears at my heartstrings. Living with ASD is no excuse for ignorant behaviour, we can all rewire our brains and thoughts but it takes time. You have clearly gone above and beyond and my simple honest advise is to take a trial seperation pending some counselling. It may make him realise what he is missing in case he is taking things for granted and may help restore your self-worth in whatever shape your future holds. Be kind to yourself and I wish you all the best

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119698062#Comment_119698062

That's why you need counselling.

You say, you don't need one because you tell him, what needs to be done. But are you able to get through to him? Does he hear you? It all might fall on deaf ear because of the way you both communicate.

You don't fight, because you leave, when he tries to tell somethings, on the other hand you yell at him. It is not healthy way of communication from both sides.

Counselling would help even for break up. It can teach him to be more responsible person, so you won't be afraid to leave kids with him.

How exactly can I 'try harder' when I'm doing virtually everything 6 days a week?

Maybe that's what is wrong? You are doing too much, so he doesn't have to. Counselling would help with it as well.

sprucemoose

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119698572#Comment_119698572

but that just proves that the excuse of 'oh well men are untidy' is bollox.......

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119699463#Comment_119699463

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119698592#Comment_119698592

level 1

top post is probably the best advice here, in regards asd, im autistic myself, but the disorder is absolutely no excuse for disrespectful behavior, yes we are developmentally delayed, but there truly is a time to step up to the mark, and when someone commits to spending their life with you, and when kids are involved, that time is now!

i suspect both of you need counselling at this stage, and possible some couples therapy also, if you can get things to that stage, but this behavior cannot go on, everyone will eventually become deeply unhappy. to a degree i can understand where the op's partner is coming from, but his behavior is still wrong, its not easy being neurodivergent in an nt world, its frankly overwhelming most of the time, the crippling depression and anxiety probably being the worst, but again, its not an excuse.

definitely trial separation, you both need space to figure things out, it would be truly devastating to see the end of the relationship, breakups are beyond dreadful for me, generally leading to more severe depression, its a very painful disorder....

just beware op, the chances of your kids developing the disorder are high, so.....

he needs to start creating far more productive and healthier routines, including regular exercise, and with the kids also, naturally this will help with bonding, but also any anxiety issues hes dealing with. excessive phone use can sometimes be related to 'thought-blocking' behaviors, its done to reduce anxiety issues, but can of course become 'maladaptive', which i think is the case here, its not good for anyone, disconnection is required from time to time, but when its excessive, its excessive! i have to disconnect in the evenings, be completely alone, this helps with reducing anxiety and stress, and helps greatly with sleep, but i have no kids, so, its a completely different story.... he still needs some alone time though, but he also needs to do his fair share...

currently cant think of anything else, but i ll link these autism channels, there might be some better advice on them

best of luck

https://www.youtube.com/user/autismhangout/videos

https://www.youtube.com/c/TheAspieWorld/videos

bad2thebone

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119700464#Comment_119700464

I think we're going off topic here. It's not a generalization.

kylith

Hi All, I'd like to thank everyone who has taken the time to reply, especially the ND folks who have given me a window into how OH may be processing everything.

I'd also like to thank the person who suggested Melissa Orlov, I'm going to get some of those books. I'm also going to talk to him about going to counselling so that we can hopefully figure each other out.

Someone asked if I give him time to complete tasks: yes I do. For example: hoovering was on the list for yesterday, and he started hoovering at 11pm

KrustyUCC

Yes it's over and in truth has been for quite a while

This part stands out for me

[Quote=kylith] Our love life is nil since our youngest was born, I tell him it's hormones but it's not just that; when I used to want to he'd do or say something that would completely turn me off (not even something he'd do sexually, but having to nag someone to put stuff in the dishwasher or clean up after themselves is not very sexy) and eventually any feeling just went away.[/quote]

That's two years of lack of intimacy and rejection. You are lying to him and there is no feeling towards him. That's the relationship over

The fact that he is autistic will make it harder for to change and yes his cleaning habits etc are not ideal in any relationship

It's good that you can move back with your parents but things may not be easier when you're separated

CreadanLady

What will he do once you move away? Has he got family that he can return to?

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119702714#Comment_119702714

id also recommend tony Attwood's work, he does a regular questions and answers on the autism hangout channel, linked above, he mentions marriage and parenting issues from time to time also during those conversations.

his routines are all over the place, this is very unhealthy for him, and the entire household, he should be well settled by 11pm, and trying to sleep, as sleep is generally a major problem for us with the disorder, and a solid healthy routine is critical in trying to achieve this.

you re a saint in trying to understand the disorder, many simply wouldnt go to the trouble, it shows your character and love for him, but he must learn how to appropriately respond to your efforts, or else.....

just be aware, pure autism is rare, so more than likely hes also dealing with other 'co-morbid' disorders, disorders such as ad(h)d, learning disabilities such as dyslexia are very common, as is the case with myself, has he been diagnosed, and received supports and help for such?

here is psychiatrist tracy marks explaining add

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/qnYk8ZC0-Fs

...and her main channel

https://www.youtube.com/c/DrTraceyMarks/videos

purple ella is a mother with autism, and sometimes explains the issues with parenting and the disorder

https://www.youtube.com/c/PurpleElla/videos

theres probably tons of other related channels on youtube

...Ghost...

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119698663#Comment_119698663

What a load of ignorant nonsense. If the OP didn't know that Autism was a factor, she wouldn't have mentioned it in the OP. She obviously does realise it can be an issue in relationships. But sure, lets follow your train of thought(lessness) and the next time a wheelchair user is blocked by a car parked on the pavement, tell them to stop whining and to get up off their hole and walk around the car like everyone else!

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119704975#Comment_119704975

Get over yourself, and your wheelchair analogy is incoherent drivel.

The OP is getting lots of replies and advice about how to deal with autism, and they all involve her doing more, her making more effort, her adapting to the condition. A lot of people starting from the position of, "he has autism, you need to accept that but here are ways you can look after him better".

It's perfectly valid to point out that she has value too, she has a life and it is ok if she decides that she deserves more than just being an unpaid carer.

If the husband posted looking for advice then my reply would be different for him, but he didn't, the op did, so my reply was to her.