Thinking of ex

gronsor

I bumped into an ex recently and I can't stop thinking about her. I'm married with 2 kids. In my mid forties. My relationship with my wife would be more around the kids than us. This ex was the love of my life (including my wife) but she ended it to move to a different country. This was all 17 years ago. Seems she moved back about 10 years ago or so. Has kids, not sure about partner.

I never really got over her, even though I had subsequent relationships and married. I know the issue is probably my own relationship. I'm thinking of my past with her (3 years) and comparing it to my relationship now which I know is not fair.

How do I just stop thinking about her? I have some letters and such from that relationship. I never wanted to throw them out as I think that would be a shame, but should I burn them? I think in some part of my mind I never let go.

I know that some people will think this is unfair on my wife but I have never cheated or had arguments with her. I think I am a good husband and father. I don't think I could leave her even though another part of me thinks that the ex thing is really my mind letting me know that it misses intimacy. My wife has in the last few years had early menopause which has put her sex desire at zero which I understand but it's not helping things. 

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058264602/thinking-of-ex

Have you openly talked to your wife about your feelings on lack of intimacy?

YellowLead

If you consider this woman the ‘love of your life’ over your wife, then marrying and having kids with your wife was an unfair step to take - deceitful even. She probably would not have wanted to marry you knowing you loved somebody else more.

Clearly the reaction you felt when seeing this ex indicates, along with you saying the relationship is more about the kids, that you’re not madly in love with your wife.

Have you considered talking to her, maybe she’s unhappy too? I don’t think it’s fair on either party when one or both in a marriage isn’t fully into it. I understand divorce is expensive and difficult, so trying your best to give it the best shot you can is in both of your interests.

First step - talk to your wife. Don’t mention the ex, keep the conversation about the two of you.

Thelonious Monk

bigger issue is lack of intimacy with your wife. I'd say most people daydream about what could have been with someone in the past from time to time, but you're just romanticising a situation, it's just a form of escapism for you, it's not like you're ever going to get back with her. If you think intimacy, sex, and being in love are never coming back with your wife, maybe consider your options? can you leave? do you want to?

Goodigal

I feel sorry for your wife that she is, nor never was, the love of your life. I would hate to know my husband said that about an ex. But I also feel sorry for you being in a marriage with no intimacy. A conversation about this needs to take place. It sounds like you're both existing but not living a loving life.

Don't mention the ex being the instigator for stirring up feelings of what might have been though. She's part of your past. Your current relationship has faults that need to be talked about, no matter how difficult the conversations will prove. Could mean make or break, but best to find out now than spend another 30 years feeling neglected or unloved.

Breezy_

https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-d&q=my+ex+broke+up+with+me+10+years+ago+but+i+still+think+about+him+every+day

<mod snip>

https://www.irishtimes.com/life-and-style/health-family/my-ex-broke-up-with-me-10-years-ago-but-i-still-think-about-him-every-day-1.4886939

"Getting a therapist who uses psychotherapy or analysis as well as cognitive behavioural therapy would be ideal, as they could guide you on what treatment they think is most suitable for you."

Mod Note

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Thank you

Hilda

JoChervil

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gronsor

Thanks for the comments. Just a few points on some of them.

@PissyMissy we have had some talks about it but it has been a year or so since. She gets very upset when I bring it up and I stop as I don't want to see her like that

@YellowLead & @googigal I was with the ex for a chunk of my 20s and was devestated when it ended. What was I supposed to do, just not try and meet other people? I did love my wife at the time of meeting her and marrying, it has just changed over time. If I am completely honest the love was not as intense as I had felt before but it was there.

@Thelonious Monk I don't see that side of the relationship coming back. Last time I tried to initiate things I just go shutdown. It was not a nice experience and has probably changed my view of wife. Not sure I want to leave her though because of the kids. We don't argue in front of them and they seem happy. It's just me that is not happy. I dont know if I can 30 years like this.

@breezy I will try read that article. Have no login.

NiceFella

If this ex was really the love of your life, why did you let her go? Did she break it off just because she was leaving the country? If so, you really need to put it out of your head. Maybe she didn't feel as strongly in this instance. Keeping letters and the like from her also when you're no longer in contact and moving on romantically is not on either. Yes you should burn those letters in my opinion. You are idolizing this woman, but in truth if you were with her as long as your wife would your mind wander similarly?

As for the relationship with your wife, you need to be able to have an honest discussion with her. Don't buckle because she gets upset, hard discussions come with the territory. You both have needs and you need to be able to understand each other. And as others have said, do not mention this ex. You do sound to me like you love your wife, but as you say things have become more obligatory. What did you guys do for a laugh before?

The Mighty Quinn

I went out with a woman for 3 years, we split in 2012. I've spent the last 8 years with my wife, married the last 4. I haven't seen my ex since 2015, when an amicable coffee was had (my wife was aware at the time, nothing behind backs). I reckon I dream about my ex 4/5 times a year still. In the dreams we're either a couple who never had issues, we're a couple after getting back together after a split, or she rejects my advances to try again. I wake up all flustered and lost in time, every time. Sometimes we can't shake an ex.

Seve OB

https://youtu.be/K2Lm7sEuQ3s

quite on topic

jj880

Burn the letters. Dont act on your thoughts. If you cheat on your wife you are also cheating on your children. You need to tell your wife how the lack of intimacy is taking you to breaking point even if it upsets her. At least give you both an honest chance to save the situation. You owe her that. Obviously mention nothing about thinking about your ex. That will only hurt her needlessly.

After that re-evaluate things.

TooTired123

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119675947#Comment_119675947

My ex died nearly 3 years ago suddenly. I grieved him silently and secretly. I still grieve him. Id thought about him every day for the 35 years since I last saw him. I’m happily married 26 years, with an adult daughter. Relationships and love and stuff is complicated and you don’t want to overthink it. Just go with the flow.

gronsor

Thanks again for the advice. I have been thinking about it and perhaps there has been an element of me that never let go of her. Ending the manner it did it left me thinking that we could get back together if she moved back, and maybe because of that I never fully let go.

I think I will destroy the letters. Not allow myself to day dream about going back to the past. Also I need to make an effort on my current relationship. I probably have given up on elements of it, As a number of people have said, my wife and I need to confront a few things.

@TooTired123 Thanks for sharing your story.

Explosive_Cornflake

I don't ever chime in here, but there's two things stand out:

Seems she moved back about 10 years ago or so.

Ending the manner it did it left me thinking that we could get back together if she moved back,

Would it help you to think/know, the ex has had no interest in getting back together with you?

CreadanLady

Don't be bringing up intimacy and sex with your wife. I think she has already made it clear that she is not interested in it and it is her choice and hers alone. There is no obligation on her to do it with you. You'd only be upsetting her if you keep bringing it up.

Breezy_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119683971#Comment_119683971

Wah?

89897

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119683971#Comment_119683971

You dont think that is something is lacking in a relationship that its should be discussed?? Hes as much within his rights to speak about it as she is to not want it. How they deal with that as a couple is what makes or breaks the relationship.

To the OP it sounds like you're looking at the past with alot of nostalgia. If she truly was the love of your life and if you really were meant to be together, you would be. Seems like you didnt get closure and possibly didnt allow yourself space and time to get over her. Theres still time now.

jj880

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119683971#Comment_119683971

Ok. What should he do?

Seve OB

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119683971#Comment_119683971

So should he go and bang someone else then?

gronsor

@CreadanLady I am very respectful of my wifes (lack of) desire for sex. I think almost too much in that I haven't even spoken about it in over a year. I don't know if we will ever have a sexual relationship again. It's not looking like it to be honest.

just_a_gurl

Gronsor - maybe instead suggest "couples" counselling - like, it is an issue for you & you guys are supposed to be a partnership not a dictatorship so a compromise must be reached. For her own sake it would be healthy for her to explore why she has lost her desire for intimacy. I don't think an ultimatum would help at all here, but maybe a gentle..."I'm struggling with our lack of intimacy & I think we could talk to a counsellor about it together 'cos I'm afraid that if we don't try to see why things are now like this, that I will really find it hard to reconcile myself to this lifestyle."

I dunno - there's prob no "good" way to have this discussion with someone, but if one person wants a sex life & the other person doesn't then...I dunno how that stays a healthy monogamous relationship

laoisgem

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119685347#Comment_119685347

Don't feel like you have to justify yourself to other posters, you feel the way you feel and that is valid. Take on board other helpful comments here re:counselling, If not together even separately will make a big change.

Jequ0n

Why don’t you just reach out to her and see what her life is like? If she isn’t interested then you at least know that you didn’t waste the opportunity.

Nobody should be confined to a sexless relationship btw.

jj880

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119685347#Comment_119685347

I agree with a previous poster. Dont explain yourself to terrible advice. This poster is trying to imply you are harassing your wife for a physical relationship. Thats a shameful implication and completely uncalled for. Attempt to resolve this and if it doesn't happen then choose your future life. If it has to be with someone else then so be it. You cant be expected to live a life of misery for fear of having an upsetting conversation.

Edit: your ex's relationship status is irrelevant at the moment. Contacting her right now is more terrible advice. Only consider contacting her IF you reach the point where your marriage is definitely over.

gronsor

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119686832#Comment_119686832

She isn't, but in thinking about it the last week or so, I have realised that there was a part of me that never let go. That is not healthy. The issue with my wife needs resolving too. I think I will need to build some courage for that conversation because I am not sure where the conversation will end.