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Oz here I come..

  • 14-09-2022 10:11pm
    Registered Users Posts: 945 ✭✭✭WhiteWalls

    My girlfriend is slightly younger than me. She's just out of college but in a very well paying job. I'm that few years older and in a secure well paying job that I don't particularly like. I'm at the stage of talking about buying a house.

    We're going out a year. She's mentioned she has wanted to go to Oz a few times and live there for a year. I would go travelling for a few months but living in oz doesn't appeal to me. She is mad about me and I know she won't break up with me. I'm mad about her too.

    Would i be cruel to force a break up if I think it's for her good? Chances of us getting back together if she did head off for a year? I don't want her to have regrets.. I don't want to lose her but I don't want to head off to Oz either and I don't blame her for wanting to go.


    Post edited by Hannibal_Smith on


  • Registered Users Posts: 17,915 ✭✭✭✭Donald Trump

    Pick somewhere you do want to go with and maybe she'd be interested in that

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,860 ✭✭✭Pissy Missy

    So you're okay going for a few months but she wants to go for 12 months. You're both mad about each other and I think that's a rare find. Yeah I think how about compromise here and go for say 10 months instead, if not oz, suggest somewhere else, the time will fly by

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,968 ✭✭✭KilOit

    Try to convince her to travel instead. I did the Oz thing but we traveled SE Asia extensively along with NZ, only boring part was staying months at a time in OZ. Just felt pointless renting to work in a cookie-cutter city.

    If you really want an adventure, travel S.America. did it with my now wife and it was unbelievable, Oz was a snoozefest compared to it

  • Registered Users Posts: 6,525 ✭✭✭YellowLead

    It’s a tough one OP. I think it’s up to your girlfriend to decide what she wants - you or OZ, taking the decision out of her hands by forcing a break up doesn’t make sense, she’s an adult.

    If you’re totally crazy about each other and meant to be then you might survive a year long -distance of she chooses to go. And if you don’t, that’s the natural order of things and you can still look back on the relationship with fondness.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 888 ✭✭✭TheadoreT

    If you're only slightly older and she's just out of college I'm assuming you're mid twenties at most. I'm not sure a year or two is going to make a big difference in the grand scheme of things when looking to buy. That may seem really silly if you're looking back in 20 years, that you let someone go you were mad about to buy a house at peak prices.

    But agree with an above poster if doing a year, to compromise and add multiple locations as Aus is inferior to most countries around that region imo.

  • Moderators, Category Moderators, Arts Moderators, Entertainment Moderators Posts: 20,601 CMod ✭✭✭✭amdublin

    Is it just me, or is it bothering anyone else seeing "oz" said a million of times in this thread?? Funny how the brain works sometimes


    You're mad about her. She is mad about you. She wants to go to travelling to Australia for a year. You don't. You are at the point where you are thinking of buying a house.

    Two options really as far as I see it. They both involve you accepting she wants to go travelling. You either stay together while she is gone. Or you break up now.

    What is she saying??

    For what it is worth I don't think you should ask her not to go travelling...

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,909 ✭✭✭Andrea B.

    A year or two, tolerated so a potential lifelong partner gets to achieve a reasonable aim, which you could partake in, and already dislike your existing job?

    Answers itself.

  • Registered Users Posts: 20,236 ✭✭✭✭yourdeadwright


    Even if you break up with her you won't regret going,

    Life is for the living & for the now , enjoy remember tomorrow is never promised to us ,

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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,242 ✭✭✭thefallingman

    I lived in oz for a year and it's a serious commitment, if your not 100% invested in going, i wouldn't as it's very isolating if your heart is still in ireland.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,296 ✭✭✭CPTM

    Why not go there with her? Maybe it's not what you think - it's worth keeping in mind that very very few people in their 20s who go to Australia regret it. What if this is one of those chapters in life that takes you by surprise. Only saying this because you sound like you're mad about each other. If you can't go to Australia with her, I would end it because life gets a hell of a lot harder than a year in Australia together!

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭yagan

    You've hinted that you're meh about your job so maybe just make australia a stopover on a backpacker trip.

    If your job can offer a career break even better.

  • Registered Users Posts: 126 ✭✭Teapot30

    Why not just make a sacrifice for the sake of a year and go with her?

  • ask if she has any intentions of staying there permanently, if she does and you do not then walk away.

    I think you are likely a bit off on the fact that she isnt looking for settle down just yet but you are. Maybe broach the subject - when does she see herself getting a house etc. Life is too short and if she isnt interested in going down that path for a long time that may cause an issue. Bear in mind if she is a recent graduate then she is likely early 20s and who is looking to settle down then? Not many. Most are not buying a house and settling down for another 10 years.

    I went to Australia years ago and the girlfriend at the time didnt really want to go but she did. A break up in a foreign country when there is nowhere to go is messy. No one to turn to and stuck in the same accommodation until someone flys home. I stayed on and she left. Would you be going in a group or as a couple?

    Alternative...if you would seriously consider going some serious research with her on where you would go and how much things would cost. How much you could earn. Would you buy a car to get around (the place is HUGE). There is a serious accommodation crisis in Australia atm just like Ireland. It may result in a modified trip, a shorter trip. This may work out best for you!

    There is a mindset difference between wanting to go to Australia for a holiday for say a few weeks or a month versus someone who wants to go on a working holiday. The former is about a holiday in a far flung cool place. The latter can often be about freedom prior to committing to a life of work, youth, experiences, almost a coming of age type thing. Her reasons for going are important to know.....i.e does she just really want a care free no ties year away in Australia with the comfort of having a fall back guy when she gets home. And to be would be out of sight out of mind. Forget about keeping in touch the timezone difference is absolutely nutty.

  • Registered Users Posts: 945 ✭✭✭WhiteWalls

    Girlfriend of one year. Got on great and I'm punching for what it's worth.. She has mentioned before that she wants to go travelling and I can't really do it with job and mortgage.

    Anyway, she's 6 years younger than me. Last week we had a minor enough argument when she got a bit cranky and said that she was definitely going travelling next year. Didn't see it coming, ended up breaking up on the spot.

    I was floored. No contact from her in a week. I was upset and couldn't believe she would do this so out of the blue. There wasn't even a discussion.

    Fast forward a week and she's begging me to get back with her. Says she's made a huge mistake. I've mentally broken up with her in my head. My gut is telling me to just tell her to head off and travel and get it out of her system. I do love her but I have lost respect and trust in her for calling it off.


  • Registered Users Posts: 483 ✭✭marilynrr

    "Last week we had a minor enough argument when she got a bit cranky and said that she was definitely going travelling next year. Didn't see it coming, ended up breaking up on the spot"

    This is a bit confusing, How did the argument go down exactly?

    Did she say she was going travelling and that caused an argument? or did you have an argument about something else and then she said she was going travelling?

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,116 ✭✭✭Idle Passerby

    If she's intent on travelling for an extended period and you are intent on not going, breaking up seems inevitable anyway. What's the context of her wanting to get back together? Is she saying she won't travel after all? In that case it's just the sadness talking. If your refusal to travel was enough for her to end it, it seems the problem still exists so she'd be compromising her wishes to get back together.

  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,612 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith

    Mod note

    OP I've reopened your older thread and merged it with your latest one so posters can get a better picture.


  • Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 6,612 Mod ✭✭✭✭Hannibal_Smith

    I'd say this was coming a long time to be fair. You even toyed with the idea of breaking up with her yourself because of the Australia idea.

    I'd stay broken up, let her follow her idea of going to Australia. If she doesn't go she'll regret it and it has already shown itself as a massive potential to drive a wedge between you both.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 888 ✭✭✭TheadoreT

    Saying you're "punching" is a bad mindset to have in a relationship. If you put someone on a pedestal like that it makes it difficult for them to truly respect you, as displayed by her treatment of you here. You need to believe you're worthy and an equal for the dynamic to be successful . You say she's mad about you but i feel you're projecting your own feelings onto her, she's clearly not in love to have done this so flippantly. She'll do it again if you let her and you don't change your ways.

    Hard to advise what you should do now. I'd probably move on. But if you want her back and for her not to treat you like this again you've a lot of work to do. I'd tell her you're now unsure of your feelings (which is true) and you're only interested in a no strings thing for the time being. Let her do all the chasing. If she gets in contact just ask her over to your place and have fun. Don't do relationship type things until she's coming over and shagging you regularly and actually falling for you.

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,078 ✭✭✭yagan

    From what you've written it does seem it is something she feels more strongly about than you. At best is there a compromise where she could go backpacking and you meet her for a few weeks along the way?

    Post edited by yagan on

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,030 ✭✭✭Tork

    OP, I came across another post of yours in a different forum a while back. I recognized the username and remembered this thread. After reading that, I got the impression that you weren't as committed to the relationship as you'd led us to believe here. I haven't seen you say anywhere that you love her. Instead, it's all about you punching above your weight and how you get on fine. It all sounds very lukewarm to be honest. And that's before we get to your rather cold attitude towards her plans to go to Australia. You were prepared to break up with her "for her own good" back in September. Those aren't the words of a loving boyfriend who doesn't want to lose the woman he loves. I thought it sounded a bit controlling then and nothing has changed my mind. You sound pissed off that she was the one who broke up. Also, saying that you've lost respect for her and trust in her are very strong words. I don't think there is any way back from that.

    It's likely that there have been things festering in the background and that this minor argument was the straw that broke the camel's back. Even if you get back together again, is there much future for you? You don't sound 100% happy with this particular girlfriend. It doesn't matter what she thinks about this. What do you think?

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,576 ✭✭✭notAMember

    Not really out of the blue, she was talking about it for months and you let it sit without any decision. It eventually blew up.

    She sounds like she knows what she wants, is driven and ambitious. You are in a job here you don't like, without a mortgage tying you down. You don't respect her thought process or frustration with trying to talk to you about it, and you brick-walling her. And she woke you up from your lazy assumption that she wouldn't break up with you.

    So if you're not up for ditching the job you don't like, to go on an adventure with her, then stay on your separate tracks. If you do want to take that risk and give it a go (not necessarily australia, it doesn't appeal to me either honestly, but maybe somewhere else)

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,260 ✭✭✭Hamachi

    The girlfriend is ‘driven and ambitious’ because she wants to spend a year in Australia? He’s unadventurous because he doesn’t want to go? You’ve never spent a year down under, have you? I can assure you, it’s not the place where our brightest and best go.

    OP, I would hold firm and remain broken up. Kicking off at you like that is unacceptable. If she wants to head off, let her go. If it’s meant to be, you’ll cross paths again in the future. I also agree with another poster who mentioned the ‘punching’ comment. Never think like that in a relationship of equals. Frankly, somebody stamping their feet because you’re not prepared to follow them to the other side of the world, doesn’t sound like a particularly enticing prospect.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,576 ✭✭✭notAMember

    I have, and it's not my cup of tea either, but her being driven and ambitious was more about her being several years younger and being in a better paid job than the OP. This was said in the OP.

    Taking several months to talk through an idea, and eventually make a tough decision doesn't sound like stamping feet me me either.

    But either way, hope she went. :)

  • Registered Users Posts: 2,197 ✭✭✭RoTelly

    I'd take a career break if available to you, find a job in Australia and save as you would here. A year or 2 in oz isn't going to break you. If you can get a mortgage before you go and rent the house I'd consider that also.


    Just one more thing .... when did they return that car


  • Registered Users Posts: 700 ✭✭✭dontmindme

    Never think like that in a relationship of equals.

    This is a feeling, not a thought. The OP for whatever reason has low self-esteem, and comes from a place where there are other people better than he is. He doesn't want to go to Australia but doesn't want to stop his girlfriend going so considers breaking up with her to allow her off...this is seen as controlling??

    Like said previously OP, you're more than likely deluded and projecting your own pleasant feelings onto her. This is why you were floored and of the opinion that "She is mad about me and I know she won't break up with me." You wrote this in the OP as either part of this fantasy or else from your own ego - try and identify which. Regardless, neither are based in reality.

  • Registered Users Posts: 827 ✭✭✭farmingquestion

    OP was talking about a mortgage in September and within 3 months has a mortgage? That's quick.

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