Went cyberstalking, he had a fianceé until recently.

The Young Wan

Ok I know this will make me look more unhinged than a broken door but we're here now so I really would appreciate some advice.

Matched on Tinder last week. Spent the whole weekend messaging back and forth. Quiet during the work day, messaging again at night after work. Even messaged me while in the middle of a brothers catch up call. Busy schedules so first date set for Wednesday next week. So far, on board. All good right?

So. I found him on Facebook. He had previously mentioned an ex. Didn't mention how long he's been single, I didn't press on it. Turns out it's at least since after March because his EX FIANCEÉ tagged him in a sweet birthday message.

Of course, he doesn't know I know he was once engaged, likely until very recently. What would you do when going into this? How would you tread?

All thoughts, positive or not, welcome.

Buddy Bubs

Go on the date and ask him. He has done nothing wrong with you so far. Ask him about how long he's out of relationship, ever married or engaged etc...those are normal enough things to ask. If you're 100% sure he was engaged and he lies, it's a different story then. He could be single near 6 months now which is fair enough.

After that, you just have to ensure he's not still engaged! But that will come with time if you get together.

For now it's only a date....and I wouldn't worry about the cyberstalking everybody does that these days

dobman88

What difference does it make that he was engaged as long as he's single now?

Kurooi

Has he lied to you? If you asked whether he was ever engaged and he said no - that's a bad lie and you should walk, quick.

If you didn't ask, he didn't do anything wrong. It's hardly a good pickup line 'Hi, my engagement just broke down, wanna hook up?' he might have received advice not to mention it, maybe he's waiting for you to ask about the ex or for a good moment to tell.

If it were me:

1. I'd come up with an explanation of how I know he's engaged, in case I need to explain it and not seem like a crazy mofo. Maybe a friend (unnamed) pointed it out to me, I'm not crazy she is. No you can't know who it is.
2. Skirt around the topic so you don't have to use the story in 1. above, that's the last resort if pressed back only.
3. And poke, you're curious about his past relationships, as any couple is. Talk about it, maybe offer your own talk a bit about it, get him to open up. Ask him if he was ever serious about any of them. If he says no, I think that's a lie already!

Witcher

Is the man barred from future relationships because he was once engaged?

The Young Wan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119589798#Comment_119589798

That's in no way what I'm insinuating.

SteM

Don't mention it on your date. It'll come up in due course if he wants to tell you.

bitofabind

He could be single six months now for all you know. You've not met the guy and are already freaking out about something you have very little information about and that's fairly standard. We all have relationship baggage. Why the freakout?

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119589811#Comment_119589811

So what exactly is the issue then? You haven't even met the guy yet, why do you think this should have come up already?

Jaysis, you haven't even had a date with the guy yet and you're already creeping on his social media and over thinking it.

You'd be too intense for me.

sprucemoose

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058262496/went-cyberstalking-he-had-a-fiancee-until-recently

OP im sorry to say that isnt a good look for you at all.

id have been more surprised if it had come up already, you havent even met in person yet. its obviously a big thing for him so its not something youd casually slip into conversation

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119589673#Comment_119589673

I have to echo what Buddy says here - just talk to him. that's the whole point of first dates, to get to know each other and learn each others stories. Don't over think things just yet.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119589730#Comment_119589730

Similarly, I strongly urge you not to go down this road. Any advice that condemns him if he lies yet also suggests you prepare your lies to tell him is not healthy. Game playing does not lead to happy relationships, lying, emotional dishonesty and suspicion are terrible basis to start out on. Why would you not just say "I looked at your Facebook" if asked? In case you seem too interested? In case you seem insecure? That is what you did, and it is who you are, which he will discover eventually. At this point pretending to be something you're not is just cheating yourself of a viable relationship.

Hannibal_Smith

Matched on Tinder last week. 

You've only been in contact a week. She's an ex, which he told you about. If you gel its likely he'll give more information as time passes.

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119589811#Comment_119589811

What are you insinuating then?

Because it certainly sounds to me like you have a problem with the fact that he once was engaged.

The Mighty Quinn

What?

I don't get it. What's the issue? That he hasn't told you he was engaged up until this year? And you've only been talking to him a few days, and you haven't met him yet. What the hell.

You're too much weirdo here for most men. If you do meet him, for the love of jaysus don't tell him what you've just told boards.

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058262496/went-cyberstalking-he-had-a-fiancee-until-recently

some blokes don't like going on about themselves, if he's single now there's not issue and if it the relationship blossoms then he'll tell you .....f** exes

Big Bag of Chips

The Young Wan, what's your issue with the fact he was engaged? You've have plenty relationships yourself. And lots of threads here about them. I believe you felt that last one was "the one".

You haven't even met him and you're freaking out about stuff he hasn't told you yet. He doesn't know you. He knows very little about you. You are someone he matched with on Tinder last week. Maybe one of 3 or 4 he matched with. He has no obligation to go telling you anything about his past, yet.

Calm down. Meet him. See if you like him. See if he likes you. And let things develop at a normal pace. You're prone to going 0-100 very quickly. Time to step back and realise you are not in a relationship with this fella. You are getting to know him. And you're not going to get to know everything in the first few days and without even meeting him.

And please do not go down the convoluted route of making up a "friend" who knows him/looked him up. It'll just make you crazy looking.

The Young Wan

My issue isn't that he was engaged. It's that he may not be in a position where he's looking for the same level of commitment I am.

Having had previous relationships, as BBOC has pointed out I'm equally guilty of doing, is not the issue here.

amdublin

So what if he was engaged? (No judgement on the cyber looking btw). But jesus, so what if he was engaged or married. As long as he is single now then what's the problem?

Big Bag of Chips

You haven't even met him and you're talking about commitment.

You might meet him and feel absolutely nothing for him.

Either go into this relaxed without expectation. Or call off the date now. You're going to be on edge the whole time wondering what it means, is he looking for a relationship, will he mention the ex fiancée, will you?

Unless you are ready to date without expecting every "match" to lead to longterm, it might be better to step back for a while.

deirdremf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119591081#Comment_119591081

You haven't met yet, isn't it a bit early for you to be looking for commitment?

On the other hand, someone who has been engaged looks to me to be open to the idea of commitment. I'd go on the date with an open mind if I were you. When you get around to discussing both your pasts, you'll be able to ask about his engagement. Assuming you get that far!

Jequ0n

You have an interesting way of looking at things OP. Other people would probably really like the idea of meeting someone who had been in a longer term and committed relationship, rather than seeing endless party photos on the timeline.

Every time you open a new thread the same pattern emerges.

Donald Trump

His fiance might not know he is single.

He might announce a sudden reconciliation with her after a while. A handy get-out clause. Even though he loves you and you've had great fun but he just can't get over his ex and they're gonna give it another try and he'd be grateful if you don't tell anyone about what ye were up to over the past few weeks.

The Young Wan

Sort of getting Ghost vibes from this guy. He hasn't really seemed to message as much this weekend, and not at all today.

Should I message tomorrow and ask are we still good for Wednesday?

Buddy Bubs

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119609186#Comment_119609186

Yes, send a text. Send it this evening. Don't overthink

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119591081#Comment_119591081

Delete.

Galwayguy35

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119592193#Comment_119592193

Wow you are doing a real hatchet job on a guy you know absolutely nothing about.

lawred2

The poor fella. He hasn't a clue what he's getting involved in.

Big Bag of Chips

@Dav010 and @lawred2 you have both been around PI long enough to know those sort of comments are not appropriate here.

Constructive, civil advice or don't post.

Jafin

Don't think it matters if he was engaged or not. People can get engaged after being together six months, some people aren't engaged after being together for ten years. You haven't even met him yet, there's nothing to stress about.

Housefree

I think you need to be more laid back/less needy at the start of a relationship. Your giving off bunny boiler vibes. I wouldn't talk about past relationships on a first date, I'd try to keep the chat casual enough.

bb1234567

You know him a week OP! That is nothing, nothing at all. I don't think he owes it to you to have told you anything huge or personal yet, he may not yet trust you at all to tell deep things. It may be an emotionally charged topic for him that he is waiting to discuss eventually.He may want to keep It casual and upbeat for now, as that topic could potentially be heavy and may feel like it'll be less about you getting to know him and more about his ex.

Anyway, hold yer horses OP and play it cool. Personally I would have mentioned the fact I recently had a fiancee from the get go when dating somebody new, but I completely understand wanting to hold off a while too so imo it's no red flag at all yet.

YellowLead

Definitely too soon to be expecting somebody to divulge their previous relationship history - you haven’t met the guy!

If you’ve agreed to meet Wednesday and heard nothing from him, why not reach out and with a casual text about it to confirm the time still suits or whatever.

He could be somebody who prefers not too text too much before meeting (I’m in this camp) or he could have lost interest. Either way - it’s always best not to get remotely invested in anybody when all you’ve done is exchange messages on a dating app.

Good luck with it though- just be more easy going about dating and it will feel like more fun / less stress.

The Young Wan

Haven't heard from him since 9pm Sunday, so pretty much two full days ago.

Messaged at about half seven to see was tomorrow still a go. No reply.

This is what modern dating is. They just. . . Disappear. And I'm tired of it. I'm done. I've thought for a while, back when my ex and I separated, "there isn't someone there for you" and this has kind of just confirmed it.

You will think I'm being dramatic. But this is it. I can't do this anymore, getting excited to meet someone and getting the shít kicked out of me every time.

Jequ0n

I hope you don’t take this personally but I wouldn’t want to date you either because you are so highly strung.

I am sure there are plenty of assholes like myself out there, but you will scare away even the “nice”ones by being overly suspicious and challenging.

YellowLead

OP, take some time for sure, but don’t give up. Yes you’ll get plenty who will drift or ghost - but if you don’t cling on to every little bite so tightly, you won’t be hurt so much. Seriously, don’t get invested and overthink. Chatting on apps is very throwaway. If you keep at it, you’ll meet cool people you like and click with, it’s just not going to be every time. Don’t let it bother you when somebody fecks off, have others you are chatting to and don’t be putting all your eggs in the one basket.

You do have to be in the mood for it though, and there’s no harm in having a bit of a break when you are frustrated. Just try and get into a casual frame of mind about it all when you do get back to it.

OP, I don't mean to kick you when you're down, or mean this in any way unkindly, but if the vibe you give off while chatting or on dating sites is anything like the vibe you give off here - well, it's a little intense.

Maybe take a break from it for a while, because I have a feeling you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to "meet someone" also.

Seve OB

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119614719#Comment_119614719

Thing is, he is probably on boards…… saw this thread, realised it was about him then said to himself, Dodged a bullet here!!!!!

may as well have stuck up a thread saying I was going to meet this lad for a date, but I’ve found out that he slept with someone before. And then duly ask the internet if you are mad to consider meeting this sex crazed fiend!!!!

Subzero3

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058262496/went-cyberstalking-he-had-a-fiancee-until-recently

You only know/met him a week and it feels like your going all in already. He will dump you early if you bring it to strong and seem needy. Remember he's just out of an engagement. He won't want to be tied down so play it cool.

Danzy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119589730#Comment_119589730

That's a lot of over thinking.

amdublin

I think taking a break is a good idea

OR even better, don't take a break but don't approach each one as THE ONE. Decide that you are going to date and break with 3 different fellas over the next 4 weeks. I think your brain needs to learn that each one is not The One....and that is okay. There is a lot of fish in the sea. Throw this one back. Throw the next one back too

Hannibal_Smith

I'm sorry it didn't work out and that it ended the way it did.

I do agree with amdublin, if you go in everytime with the expectation or hope that this time it'll be long term, you're setting yourself up for a lot of hurt. It's almost like buying shoes, you don't buy straight off the shelf, you try them on see how they fit and see how you feel in them. If they're a bad fit, you put them back on the shelf no harm done and get on with your life until you see another pair that might interest you.

Stay single for a while take your mind off dating, do what you enjoy and when you're in a better place see about heading back into it. But dont invest too much too soon or go in thinking about commitment too early. Find someone you like, see how well you get on and take it handy.

cuttingtimber22

We have all been there (well many of us). We have over thought dates and potential dates - starting thinking ahead and forget that it needs baby steps. I would suggest relax a little, go with the flow, and if it is meant to work out it will. Plus there is more to life than Tinder and dating apps.

HildaOgdenx

@Pissy Missy

I have deleted your post as it contained no advice for the OP and falls below the standard expected in this forum.

Hilda

The Young Wan

So, with this guy here, he's had to go back to his home country for a family thing so we haven't been able to meet. He has said he's interested to do that when he gets back.

But he also messaged "regardless of what happens it's always nice to see a friendly face"

So what am I meant to think now? Is this a friend zone indication? Is he taking the possibility of a romance off the table?

If so, why still message for so long? An ego boost? Loneliness?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119641924#Comment_119641924

Has he indicated how long he's going to be back home?

The Young Wan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119642006#Comment_119642006

Around a week.

amdublin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119641924#Comment_119641924

This is him saying he is not interested in you romantically, a goodbye if you will.

If he didn't send you a message, chances are you would be here saying "why did he ghost me".

I think you need to focus on yourself. Either stop dating completely. Or deliberately date multiple guys at the same time with the intention of moving on from them after one or two dates. Every single fella you meet you move too quickly to assuming he is the one

YellowLead

Why not just wait and see? If he gets in touch when he gets back then you might as well meet him in person and see what the story is. If he doesn’t, he doesn’t. But don’t hold out for him - keep swiping and dating if you’re in the mood to meet somebody.

Don’t get invested in this guy because all you’ve done so far is matched and exchange messages on a dating app, which means nothing whatsoever.

Dial Hard

This is going to sound a bit weird, but is his home country culturally similar to ours, or would it be of a more... Eastern bent?

The Young Wan

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119642345#Comment_119642345

No, similar to us