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Afters of a funeral

  • 08-09-2022 9:25am
    Registered Users Posts: 1,112 ✭✭✭ Sunrise_Sunset

    Not sure if this is the right category to post but it is bereavement related. Never had to organise a funeral for a family member before (thankfully). Think I'm doing ok so far. Can I just ask, is it customary to buy everyone a drink that comes to the afters? It'll be held in a local pub. People will arrive at different times as not everyone will go to the cemetery.


  • Registered Users Posts: 1,169 ✭✭✭ Stanford

    Agreed, a few sandwiches or snacks will be enough

  • Registered Users Posts: 11,371 ✭✭✭✭ Danzy

    Never heard of the round, tea, coffee, samwidches.

    A release of the tension.

  • Registered Users Posts: 271 ✭✭ norabattie

    My hubby had to organize his dad's funeral last week. Pub put on finger food and OH put €500 behind the bar for drinks . Not sure it's a normal thing to do tbh but it was his dads money so I left him at it

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,884 ✭✭✭ witchgirl26

    I'd tend to agree with the others on this. The only funeral I've been to where a drink was given was because of the person whose funeral it was, was the type to buy a round for everyone so the family had put some money behind the bar for a drink for everyone.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,112 ✭✭✭ Sunrise_Sunset

    Really appreciate the responses. Food is arranged. And as an afterthought I wondered do the organisers buy a round for everyone, but that's my question answered. I might just buy a drink for a few extended family members if I catch them while they arrive.

  • Registered Users Posts: 22,048 ✭✭✭✭ ted1

    any I’ve been to it was money behind the bar. Once that’s gone people buy their own. Your head would be wrecked trying to remember who you bought one for and who you didn’t. As people will arrive at different times

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,112 ✭✭✭ Sunrise_Sunset

    Yeah I don't think I could afford anything like 500 behind the bar though. And there's no one else I could ask to help contribute. The pub are doing a carvery so I might just leave it at that.

  • Registered Users Posts: 4,314 ✭✭✭ Princess Calla

    We've done food in local hotel the person whose funeral it was liked. It was a proper meal with dessert and tea/coffee often have packages as numbers can be tricky I think there was about 70 at it. I've attended a few funerals where this was the norm.

    I've also been to funerals where it was back to a pub and nothing was provided or maybe the tab had run out by the time I ordered.

    It really comes down to personal choice, your personal finances, what the person whose funeral it is was like etc.

    I've heard close relatives (sons/daughters) say "that was a great send off, mam/dad would have loved that" I think that's what you are trying to aim for.

  • Registered Users Posts: 22,042 ✭✭✭✭ mickdw

    It has gotten out of hand where I live.

    Site down meals for many of the local funerals.

    Could be up to 100 people.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 1,112 ✭✭✭ Sunrise_Sunset

    Yeah we're doing a sit down carvery cos we were advised that soup and sandwiches would cost almost as much anyway. I'll see about buying a round of drinks if I can but I couldn't afford anything like a 500 tab behind the bar. It'd be my own money, not the deceased or spouse.

  • Registered Users Posts: 18,794 ✭✭✭✭ El_Duderino 09

    Yeah keeping the head wreck to a minimum is Important. The afters is part of the grieving process. Let people express their sorrow and and let them recount stories about your family member. If you're trying to stage manage an event then you'll miss out on all that.

    The afters sounds like a ballache, but it's s healthy part of the process.

    Sorry for your loss, OP.

  • Registered Users Posts: 432 ✭✭ Pistachio19

    Definitely leave it at that. We had the carvery - around 100 people for each of our parents funerals over the years. The funeral director owns the pub so its easier to let him organise the lot. We didn't offer alcohol at my parents funerals - water/miwadi at the tables and tea/coffee after the dinner. If people want alcohol let them buy it themselves. Sorry you are going through this - its not easy trying to navigate it all.

  • Administrators Posts: 12,216 Admin ✭✭✭✭✭ Big Bag of Chips

    Absolutely no need for to buy a round of drinks, or leave money behind the bar. It is really not expected. Tea and sandwiches and a few cakes are all you need to provide.

    Buy a drink for the select people you would like to buy a drink for. If you buy someone a drink, you know they get it. Leave money behind the bar and everyone/anyone can order whatever they want and the family who might arrive late because of speaking to people at the graveside don't even get a 7up out of it.

  • Registered Users Posts: 173 ✭✭ Iguarantee

    There's no obligation to do anything.

    Don't draw expense on yourself if you don't want to or can't afford it.

    Soup & sandwiches is a good will gesture but you owe nobody a pint of Guinness just because it's a funeral.

  • Registered Users Posts: 11,938 ✭✭✭✭ Gael23

    Was at one yesterday, it was a full 4 course meal with flowing wine

  • Registered Users Posts: 47,929 ✭✭✭✭ tayto lover

    Tea/coffee and a few sandwiches is enough. Anything more only draws the hangers-on.

  • Moderators, Business & Finance Moderators, Motoring & Transport Moderators, Society & Culture Moderators Posts: 62,640 Mod ✭✭✭✭ L1011

    Its not uncommon, but absolutely not expected either - anyone going expecting it shouldn't be let know about funerals in future.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 38 SpudsandGuinness

    For all my relatives who had passed it was the thing to do buy a round for all but I've been to many funeral's that this don't happen it's just a matter of if you feel you want to or not no one will judge

  • Registered Users Posts: 20,487 ✭✭✭✭ Akrasia

    Glad it worked out for you

    Funerals are expensive and stressful for all kinds of reasons

    From my experience, a free bar at a funeral is a bad idea. The people who care the most about the deceased will feel guilty taking the free drink, while the hangers on will exploit it.

    What you did seems to be the best solution, Talk to the people one on one and buy them a drink if they want one.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,112 ✭✭✭ Sunrise_Sunset

    Yes you're right. Expensive and stressful overall.

    It might sound minor and irrelevant given the circumstances but I just didn't want my mother worrying about these little details at a time like this. She has other big worries and stresses right now.

    I keep saying the hard part is over for her now. But is it? Maybe the hardest part is yet to come.

  • Registered Users Posts: 699 ✭✭✭ thefa

    That’s not true at all with regards to alcohol. Typical to see alcohol available at wakes in people’s home where I come from. After all, it is one of the biggest condolence gifts given. Can also end up with close family and friends having a session after the funeral too as unfortunately it’s an occasion when people get to catch up. Very much depends on the crowd I guess.

  • Registered Users Posts: 3,161 ✭✭✭ Deeec

    Im in the East of the country and there is no drink offered at wakes anymore - always tea offered though. The drink would only come out for very close family after everyone else is gone. In the 90's and earlier I always remember drink at wakes but not anymore - I think its too expensive nowadays and drink always attracts the wrong kind to hang around longer than they should.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,384 ✭✭✭ Jizique

    Have heard the same about Donegal and Sligo recently - hosted a wake in Dublin recently and not having any alcohol at it was fantastic

  • Registered Users Posts: 13,138 ✭✭✭✭ recode the site

    I can only speak for myself, about my parents’ funerals. They were both people to offer hospitality, my mother always said she wanted the relatives well fed and watered having made the effort to Co e to the funeral and as an opportunity for further family bonding. So I made sure to provide a full meal with plenty of wine when my Mum had died as she had done when my Dad died. Everybody remembers both funerals as being sociable occasions. My parents were elderly and their deaths not very unexpected. But each to their own, there are no rules.

    Do one thing every day that scares you

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