Messy Sister in Law

rosietee

Im looking for advice on how to handle a family situation. I get on well with my sister in law, shes a great person. There is one problem though - her house is gone out of control. Its messy, dirty, cluttered and uncared for. She lives with her husband and 4 kids.

She was always been a bit messy but its got really bad over the last year or so. When we visit now we cant even sit down because every chair ( and shes got lots of chairs) is covered in clothes papers etc. We dont use her bathroom - its disgusting, dirty and full of dirty laundry. Both her and her family dont seem to realise how bad their living situation is. She was raised in a clean tidy home and all her siblings have well kept houses. None of her siblings visit her at home anymore, my husband is the only one but now we are at the stage where we no longer want to take our kids there. Something else is that she has gained alot of weight and is now morbidly obese. It would appear she no longer cooks because the kitchen is a mess and the family just eats takeaways. The fatter she gets the messier the house gets and the messier the house gets the fatter she becomes it seems. Possibly she could be depressed.

He parents have tried to raise these issues with her but it hasnt gone down well as you can imagine. They are disgusted and embarrassed by her. Her husbands family live close to where she lives and they no longer speak to them because of the situation. We are so worried about her and want to help get their life sorted

Has anyone else ever been in this situation and how did you handle it?

Jequ0n

How is this entirely her fault? Surely the husband could do some cleaning and tidying too? Has he been spoken to?

Sounds like the whole family needs help, not just your sister in law.

Dial Hard

Not your circus, not your monkeys, OP, sorry. She (and her husband, who you seem to have given a complete free pass on this) both have family a lot closer to them than you are who can deal with this. Stop visiting and leave it to their actual blood family to deal with. If they've tried and failed, what makes you think you'd succeed? I guarantee you won't be thanked for sticking your beak in here.

SouthWesterly

Had a sister who was morbidly obese. My mother was tired saying it to her over the years.

We got a call from her son one morning that he found her dead in bed after a heart attack.

Have you tried talking to her husband. Maybe he's just given up at this stage.

RojaStar

Not sure why you would assume there is a husband in the picture, and if there is he's clearly useless! EDIT sorry just re-read the OP and see there is a husband! Comment below still stands though as it sounds like she's the OP's husbands sister...?

That's a tough situation OP, do you have a good relationship with her that you could take her out of the home and have a one-to-one chat with her? Perhaps when her parents tried to approach it with her they were a bit insensitive and came off critical (even if unintentional). Might be good to take a more subtle approach and ask probing questions about how she is doing/feeling and get her talking that way. I'd say it's almost certain she's depressed and it's having a knock on effect. She might not even know where to start to turn it around.

rosietee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119506153#Comment_119506153

No I havent given him a free pass at all. I agree that it is the whole familys fault. Her husband is a farmer so works long hours and also is carer for his mother so he does have a lot on his plate. My Sister in Law doesnt work so does have the time to do more around the house than the husband and kids. The husband knows there is a problem and seems powerless to deal with it. The kids worry alot about her weight and her health. Its like watching a family self destruct - its very frustrating. We would be willing to spend a week getting the house into order as a starting point to help them get on track as I dont think they can do it themselves. I think kids and husband would be open to this but SIL will not.

Still stihl waters 3

She has mental health issues enabled or ignored by her husband

Sardonicat

Have you asked her how she is, as in, really sat down and had a heart to heart with her about how she's feeling, her energy levels, her motivation? Do you think you could do that and maybe steer the conversation round to offering to help her get organised,?Does her husband live with her? If so, why are you putting all the blame for the state of her house onto her? I'd keep your opinions about her weight to yourself. If you really want to help, be prepared to pull your sleeves up and offer something practical. Finger wagging and admonishment achieve nothing except to put you in a high horse. She could be completely overwhelmed, she could have an underlying mental health issue, she may have some form if substance abuse going on. Maybe none of those things. Talk to her, be open, be kind try not to be judgemental. Maybe a chat with social services if you are concerned about the welfare of the kids?

rosietee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119506154#Comment_119506154

We are really fear that this could happen. Husband knows its a bad situation but she wont listen to him.

rosietee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119506214#Comment_119506214

No I havent sat down with her so yes that is worth a try. We are willing to do whatever it takes to help - both myself and my husband are willing to take a week off to get the house sorted as a starting point if she would be agreeable to this. We are worried though that the suggestion wont be received well but thats a risk we are going to have to take.

She is an excellent mother so I have no concerns about the kids. They are well looked after, dont miss school and have everything they need. She does look after their needs but neglects herself and the house.

Sardonicat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119506257#Comment_119506257

What about her husband? Is he not neglecting the house too?! Why can't he pull his finger out? Why are putting all of the onus on your SIL?

rosietee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119506292#Comment_119506292

He used to be able to do alot more around the house to help out. His father died 3 years ago and he took over the farm. Is mother has dementia and he also cares for her a few hours per day. Im not defending him but he does have alot on his plate - would frequently work 15 hour days.

Its not as simple as just blaming him either. He needs to work hard to support the family and his mother.

Sardonicat

OK, very overwhelming situation so. I suppose the key is to be non judgemental while emphasising that the way the house is currently is not the right environment for the kids to be living in. A very difficult balance, I know. Are the kids clean?Are their clothes clean? If they are old enough to do their own little bits round the place are they allowed do it? The reason I ask that is, if a parent is deliberately putting obstacles in the way of the children keeping themselves and their environment clean, this is a form of abuse, whether it's a result of an underlying health issue or not and is often missed as such.

Its great you're willing to help out practically. Gently does it with the suggestions and gauge your response from her reactions. You could invent a friend who got into a similar state and found she had depression after a visit to the doctor. You could try something like that? If I were you, I'd assume the root of this problem lies in her being completely overwhelmed for whatever reason, but keep a keen, subtle eye out for the kids, just in case.

Pissy Missy

To be fair she's essentially minding a family, and 4 kids by herself. I'm not too surprised she's let herself go and the house is a pigsty. I'd say both parents could do with the support when they're both as busy as they are.

rosietee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119506426#Comment_119506426

The kids are clean and always are presented well. The only concern I have for the kids is that they can never have their friends over which is a shame. They are of an age where they should be helping her out with bits around the house but they have never being shown how to do these jobs so their clueless - kids do as they see. If its not sorted it could affect their future life and relationships. If my SIL is agreeable to a big clean up and clear out I think I will get the kids involved aswell and show them how to do the basics. I agree with you in that a gentle approach is the way to go. If she rejects the help than we just have to wait until she is ready herself to change - nothing else we can do.

I truly believe that if we get the house sorted she will have more headspace to get herself help. I think that she is overwhelmed and has just let the situation go to far and now she doesnt know where to start. I think small changes in steps could make the world of difference for the family.

I care for all of them and would like to see them function as a normal family once again.

marilynrr

"He parents have tried to raise these issues with her but it hasnt gone down well as you can imagine. They are disgusted and embarrassed by her."

Of course it hasn't gone down well. If she was motivated or able to bring herself to do it then she would have. Being disgusted and embarrassed by her says more about them than it does about her. She sounds very depressed.

It's great that you are willing to offer a week of your time to try to get things back on track at home, hopefully she will be open to that idea.

Furze99

Who buys all the takeaways? Someone must be organising that, putting in orders, collecting or arranging delivery etc. Can't be a great diet for the husband and kids either. Maybe that's an angle to come from too, talk to the husband - your husband's brother I think from description. Or ask your husband to suggest that it'd be good to have more fresh fruit and veg etc.

Sardonicat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119506592#Comment_119506592

If the house is so bad the kids can't bring friends round then, if all else fails, tusla is the way to go. Not in the sense that she's a bad mother and you're reporting her, but in the sense that she and her partner are overwhelmed, she's possibly struggling with her mental health and needs some support. Might be the motivation she needs to go and see a GP. Only as a last resort. You sound like a very caring person and I apologise for my initial, harsh reply to you.

Do not get Tusla involved.......not unless you want to ruin relationships within your family and that of your husband's (his brother) forever. It would never be forgiven. It is always on record that Tusla got involved. She obviously cares for her children but sounds deeply depressed to me. I can only imagine what the last 2 years were like for her during Covid lockdowns, 4 kids at home and her husband minding his mother with dementia. God help her, no wonder she has lost interest in her appearance and her house. I hope you can help in some way OP.

Sardonicat

I did say as a LAST RESORT. Simply put, the kids cannot be left to live like that, whatever the reason for it. . I grew up in a house like that and it's no fun, believe me. Tusla aren't going to go in all guns blazing and take the kids away. Nothing like that will happen. It's about support, not blame and shame.

rosietee

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119507164#Comment_119507164

No way would I ever report her to Tusla . Both her and her husband are excellent parents to their kids and love them so much. Shes lost her way in taking care of the house and herself and just needs help getting back on track.

Still stihl waters 3

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119507164#Comment_119507164

If there was ever a way to fcuk things up its to get a state body involved

Sardonicat

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119507403#Comment_119507403

I don't doubt they are excellent parents and love their children. But at the moment, they aren't coping. You wouldn't be "reporting" anyone. She hasn't done anything wrong. It's not a crime to become overwhelmed and unable to cope. Tusla offer supports for families in sumilar situations.

You wrote that the kids can't bring friends back, that the bathroom is so unhygienic that you won't use it . Is it fair on those kids to be living like that? Again, I meant it as a LAST resort.

Your tone has changed somewhat from your original post which was very much down on your sister-in-law.

Maybe change your judgemental thread title from "messy sister in law" to "overwhelmed sister in law" or more accurately, "overwhelmed family" as the situation in the house is not just her problem to deal with.

Having a full time job does not exempt her husband from doing his share when he is at home. Even if he only cleaned the bathroom.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119507628#Comment_119507628

`to be fair her husband is a farmer. Farmers do not work 9-5, they can be gone from 5am to 11pm depending on what time of the year it is, calving, milking, spraying, harvesting etc. All the income for the house is on his shoulders as he is the sole earner. He also is caring for his mother with dementia outside of his work. So I doubt he has time to clean the toilet. They both need support and maybe counselling but that could be hard to arrange and they would have to agree to it.

marilynrr

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119507463#Comment_119507463

Tusla don't have the resources for things like that. There was a report the other day about with one child waiting for 11 months for an initial assessment after child sexual abuse. Even when kids or families get an initial assessment they can be waiting a LONG time for support or help, that's if they ever get any at all. I know a couple of families who had to rely on charities for support with therapists etc for their kids because Tusla didn't have any to offer, and they were for far more serious things. This family would be at the very bottom of the list I would imagine, and no doubt it would cause issues between the family so they would probably end up in a far worse position with even less chance of getting out of the hole that they're in.

SouthWesterly

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119506239#Comment_119506239

He needs to get a handle on the house and rope in the kids to tidy up.

My brother in law was in the same boat and gave up trying with her. Sometimes people just won't listen and there's not much can be done

Nothing surprises me now

Perhaps I've read it wrong but I assumed when you said SIL, it was your husband's sister, but a couple of posters have said her husband is your husband's brother so if that is the case would your husband not be helping out also with his/ their mother? Apologies if I've read this wrong.

Deeec

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119508145#Comment_119508145

I thought the same - it's the husband's sister.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119507683#Comment_119507683

If he can make time to look after his mother, he can make time to look after his own family.

Maybe his siblings could take on more of their mother's care instead, and take some of the pressure of him so he could then pay more attention to the problems within his own home.

airy fairy

Someone needs to have a chat with her, not about her house or her weight but about her mental health. She's sounds like she's suffering from depression.

Weight gain, loss of interest in home life, lack of motivation to cook or interest in children are classic signs.

Someone needs to open up the conversation. Her husband friend, parent etc.

You could also call the pu publix health nurse and ask for a visit. Explain the situation,the nurse can say she's looking at developmental checks to use as a cover story. Most can be quite helpful for this kind of situation.