Dad not enjoying my job since having children

alannoone

Im a dad in my early 40's with a 1 year old and a 4 year old.

Since having children my mental health has waivered.

I had a very difficult time when we sent our first to creche, with a big flare up in anxiety and was diagnosed with general anxiety disorder.

A few years on, and we are extremely happy with the creche, its almost a Montessori, and the little one comes home knowing songs, how to paint and be creative, learns about nature, how to count and has become a more rounded person.

On having our second I had another large flare up of my anxiety. A therapist described it partially as post partum depression.

I used to enjoy work to a degree, but now I actively dislike it. Its time when i could be with my kids. I have to work however and kids everywhere go to creche and eventually school so its a fact of life i have to get over.

Searching online I can see lots of discussion in this area for moms, but little for Dads.

I do not think I am the only dad to face this, have any dads here and does it get easier?

SuperBowserWorld

Job, house, kids, finances, 40+.

Of course it's going to be very stressful and anxious time. And don't beat yourself up more about it. Be kind to yourself.

I can't say it gets easier. There are ups and downs at different stages. Everyone is different and has different circumstances.

Look after your kids, be patient, slow down and appreciate every moment.

And ignore all the shite the consumer economy throws at you to make you run faster and harder. Don't burn out.

Supercell

It gets easier, trust me when they get older you look forward to the quiet time! We have three aged 6,8 and 10 and there is a thing as too much family time..its called summer holidays and I for one cannot wait until they are over!

I found with the first we were trying too hard to be the perfect parents. With the second you just cannot give each the same degree of attention and by the third you let them get on with things and to honest i think they are better in the long run not being smothered by their parents and given some space to figure things out themselves a bit.

Esho

Yes, it is a very testing time - massive changes to schedule, sleep, more demands for money. My own childhood and parenting coming up.I had a rough number of years after the kids were born. Tbh.

My values changed as well also - i begrudged the time I spent at work. Does it get better? Yes, hang in there mate

shesty

@alannoone , there is a Dad support thread in the Newborn and Toddlers forum, if you want to post there also - if you feel you need to talk a bit more about it. I think it's good for these conversations to be had.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058214257/dad-support

afkasurfjunkie

Do you have the option of a career break or parental leave in your job?

my husband recently left his job to retrain in another area. Manageable for us as I am the main earner but he has enjoyed the summer so much as he got to spend time with our kids. His mood has improved, he can fit a run or cycle into his day easier. He enjoys being at home with the kids. If he minded them full time we would be no worse off financially.

Sunny Dayz

A mother here. I'm afraid life doesn't get any easier as they get older, you get a handle on things and then they change, they grow, they evolve - but you learn to manage things as best you can. It's completely understandable that your priorities and outlook change when you have kids. From your post you desire to spend more time with your family. You don't mention what line of work you are in - is there a way that you could reduce your hours or go part time (could you afford to), do some work from home so that you haven't a commute.

fits

I was roaring crying on a Sunday night before starting a full time job on Monday. I’d been doing two days a week over the summer and my son with special needs is going through a lot of changes at the moment. I felt so guilty

it’s a mean to an end and we need to be financially secure too though

the increase in blended working has definitely helped. I’d hope to reduce hours in time but we will see.

Neyite

Lockdown and working from home for our family was an utter gift in that regard. Like yours, our son was in full time child care and so being able to do the school run, chat about their day, help with homework was an absolute treat for me. I went back to the office last Autumn but OH stayed at home and I've the option for a hybrid working week in the future that I'll keep in the bag in case OH's role changes.

Would your employer consider hybrid /work from home options? I know that with ours, the reason it was retained was probably down to the main demographic of staff being mostly married professionals with small kids (and big creche bills!) - and they are happy to structure their day in a way that both suited their family and didn't impact (or even positively increased) work productivity in exchange for the flexibility.

alannoone

Thank you for the supportive and helpful responses.

Like many of you, we enjoyed the lockdowns, despite them being a miserable time for many. We gained so much family time and are better for it. It was difficult to get back to "normal", and see how many were in a rush to get back to the office, commuting and being away from their families all day.

My employer is relatively flexible which helps a lot, but even with the flexibility, we still must send the children to creche, otherwise we would not get work done and I still find this difficult. We are much better off than many however with flexibility of employers and the quality of the educators in the creche, the children genuinely enjoy it.

It helps simply to know It's not just me who finds it difficult, that its part of the process and it gets easier in some ways while more difficult in others.

Neyite

For sure, the age of the child is the clincher - if our lad was under 5 there's no way we could have WFH, but at age 8-9 he was fine with us tag-teaming in lockdown and he was old enough to understand dad was on a call and not to interrupt and also old enough to do some things for himself, like put on a movie or grab a snack.

When he was little, he was in full time childcare and that was difficult for us all - but OH was lucky that he could work late a couple of nights then do a half day every other week or so and they'd bunk off for ice cream. But it'll be different again when they get to school age, and older as the childminding needs change with it.

awec

I sense that you feel a bit guilty about sending them to creche?

Look at it this way, your kids enjoy going to creche and they get to play with other children the same age in a structured and supportive setting. While family time is very important, this sort of thing is also really good for them.