Advice - To ask out or not.

dubh laoch

Hi guys,

Looking for some advice as I'm finding myself a bit conflicted. A woman I work with left the job recently. I've always fancied her but consider myself shy so have always got tongue tied around her. Exchanged the odd few conversations with her. None of the conversations would suggest interest on either our parts as we're both fairly friendly people. She's 10 years my junior (mid 30s - mid 20s). My gut has been telling me to contact her to ask her to meet up for a coffee. However my head is telling me that this would be very out of the blue and to just move on and forget about it. I wouldn't be the most confident person so would be embarrassed if I got knocked back (been knocked back a couple of times over recent years). She's also friends with women I still work with so it would be a doubly embarrassing situation as word would travel. Also more importantly, I wouldn't want to make her feel uncomfortable. I felt like this about a different woman around 5 years ago and didn't do anything about it so maybe it's best I do the same again now.

Thanks,

Dubh

Henry Ford III

There's only one way to find out if she's interested.

If you can't handle a possible rejection however.....

spurious

Why do you think word would travel?

If she's the type that would go to her friends and say 'dubh asked me out and I knocked him back har de har', she is a right piece and you will have dodged a bullet.

You ask, she says yes, hope it goes well.

You ask, she says no, you say, well it was great to chat with you anyway, we all miss you at work, all the best.

Other people really are more interested in themselves than they are in you and your love life or whatever.

Sono

Life is too short, go for it, worst can happen is she says no, nothing ventured nothing gained and all that!

Princess Calla

100% what spurious has said.

Just go for it.

Best of luck.

Muppet Man

Nothing to lose here. Who cares what people in work think. Do it.

rolling boh

Are you sure she is single and are you likely to meet her out and about ? . Sometimes when a guy is a bit shy and slow to ask anyone out they can easily mistake someone just being friendly and read more into something .There is always a risk in asking anybody out but it's true if you never ask you will end up alone .Does her friend at work say anything about her to give you an idea what her life is like .

RojaStar

Agree with previous comments! Ask her out and if it doesn't work out who cares.

Do a "fake it til you make it". Would an absolute "hottie" or a "player" care if she said no, or care about what other female colleagues think? Or if they went for a coffee/drink and nothing came of it? NO. They would probably blame her for being blind to their amazingness 😂 - or just say, nice girl but we weren't a match. As an aside, please find ways to work on your confidence. Fake it til you make it is actually useful. Imagine what persona or version of yourself you want to put out there and just play the part. Seriously! Test it in one area of your life first and see how it goes.

Not sure what means of contact would make most sense given your relationship so far, but could be a text/whatsapp/FBMessenger to say - sorry to see you leave! Would be lovely to keep in touch, fancy meeting for a coffee soon? I'd love to see you again. In the meantime, all the best in your new job.

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058254653/advice-to-ask-out-or-not

Do it, honestly this is the most ideal situation to ask her out, yes it will hurt the ego if she says no but on the plus side you don't have to have an awkward interaction at work, go for it 💪

I'm going to go against the grain here and be a spoil sport to say to leave it be. Women will pick up that you had feelings if you were getting tongue tied in front of them.

The lack of signs of interest, even before she was about to leave, would suggest to me she wasn't interested.

NiceFella

Nah, go for it,

You can't live your life in fear of rejection. It's a character builder at the very least.

Asking her nucely out for coffee is pretty low commitment and isn't too pushy. If she says no, she says no. You'll find it easier the next time.

zoobizoo

Would you be confident enough to ask her out in person?

I'd leave it. The situation is loaded:

You fancy her.

She has never shown any interest.

You're mid 30s.. she's mid 20s. Not a deal breaker but significant enough for her to think "he's old"....

You're not particularly confident and you're worried about news getting back to your co-worker.

So you're starting off nervous..... on the back foot.

I've asked out an ex co-worker - we were both 23/24 ... I was too nervous on the date for it to be fun. Disaster. And we had got along great in work. Chats, lunches with colleagues, nights out in groups. It was the first time I'd asked someone out like that. I'd have been like you back then, not too confident.... anxious about info getting back to the office.

That's not to say never ask someone out. Maybe just ask someone when there's less pressure.

I'd try to work on my confidence if I was you. I would have had no confidence back then. Social anxiety held me back in so many similar situations. A combination of CBT, travelling on my own and taking up a few hobbies helped greatly.

tawnyowl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058254653/advice-to-ask-out-or-not

You work with her. She's never shown any sign of being interested in you that way. I'd say don't ask - if you asking her out doesn't work out it could be very awkward working with her in future.

Princess Calla

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119350890#Comment_119350890

He doesn't work with her, she left the job recently.

He works with a mutual friend.

TheW1zard

Ask her!

tawnyowl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119350942#Comment_119350942

My mistake!

Pythagorean

An indirect approach might work best here, for example you could ask her "have you ever been to (some place or other, say the zoo) . That gives her a chance to say "no but I'd like to visit there" You can then say something like "me too...." ----- then take it from there.....

Nothing ventured, nothing gained. There is really nothing to lose by asking her out. The worst thing that can happen is she says no. That's ok and you will get over it. The best thing that can happen is she says yes and ye live happily ever after. Or something in between happens and there's lots of learning to be had.

So ask her.

But do work on your confidence too. Develop your interests. Try new things. Take a few risks. And be kind to yourself, you are only human and you deserve your place in the world.

dubh laoch

Hi guys,

Thanks for all the replies. Ultimately decided against texting due to a couple of factors not mentioned in the OP. The woman I mentioned is moving to the far end of the country at the end of August. So even if I managed to get a yes for a coffee, I don't know, realistically where I'm expecting things to go. So best to leave things where they are for now.

I also think one of the other posters might have hit the nail on the head in that I was mistaking friendliness for more than what it was. Basically wanting something then looking for something that wasn't there as a result.

Will be taking on board the recommendations on working on the confidence too.

Thanks again (can I ask a mod to lock the thread please?)

Dubh

Hannibal_Smith

No problem, closed as per your request Dubh.

Thanks folks

HS