Not coping well after breakup

anxiousandsad

Hi,

My ex girlfriend broke up with me almost a month ago and I havn't been coping well at all. I've been crying almost every day, I'm a guy btw, 34...

We were together for 7 months and things were definitely fantastic for 5 months. Even a month before the breakup she had texted me something sexual and had booked a restaurant for us for a month later. It seems even then though she was having some doubts, from what she told me when she ended it. She didn't say there was anything specific, just that she didn't feel right about the relationship and realised she wasn't as excited as she should have been about the thought of moving in together.

Her previous relationship turned sour but she stayed in it for almost 2 years too long, so she said she wants to trust her gut more now.

I just can't believe that it was so amazing for 5 months and then ended. And I can't help blaming myself. I'm generally a low confidence person, and I had a bad breakup a couple of years before which I ended because of my exes eating disorder and other issues. Contact after that breakup dragged out for longer than it should have (almost 2 years) as I couldn't bring myself to block her. It was getting progressively worse, calling to my door unannounced, walking by my parents, sending me 100's of messages per week at times, calling me a coward etc, then sending solicitors letters to get me to do family mediation and give her a load of money.

That breakup really effected me, as I think the guilt tripping got into my bones, effected my work, and my body hasn't actually felt relaxed for about 3 years at this point. I was put on a personal development plan in work which just brought me down even more and I ended up being prescribed SSRI's.

So back to blaming myself for the recent breakup, I feel like my anxiety started to show a little bit at times. After 3 months of being together I also told her that I started taking SSRI's recently. There were a couple of times when I forgot items I should have brought somewhere with me and 1 time that I acted a bit juvenile after drinking too much. I can't help thinking that if only I didn't tell her about my anxiety and taking the drugs, if I didn't look incompetent (forgetting things) etc. that we would still be together. That I came across as a more confident, put together person for the first few months and then because of my actions I changed her perception of me to someone who is not as interesting as she thought, and a bit of a loser. I wish I had been more of a man, more confident, more assertive.

I feel like I won't get someone like her again, I'm an average looking guy and I found her so attractive, she was funny, has a great family and lots of friends. Was more on my level sexually as well, something which I never had with my previous ex, and just generally deadly and chilled.

I'm also so confused because she was definitely very attracted to me, she brought up putting her on my car insurance, she was booking things for us to do months out, she initially seemed really into moving in together before the end of the summer, we had met each others family and friends and gone on holiday. How did it all fade away?

Anyway, what can I do to stop thinking about her? I want the rejection and loss to stop hurting. I want to stop thinking about it all the time. I'm constantly flipping between being angry at her and being incredibly sad and crying. And sometimes I fantasize that maybe she'll change her mind, considering it was so good for a number of months, and even at that I'm kicking myself because when she broke up with me I cried a bit and so I'm thinking that maybe should would have changed her mind at some point but definitely not now because I cried.

FYI, I've also been in therapy for over 3 years. Which first started to deal with my exes eating disorder and working towards helping me break up with her, then on how to deal with all the contact and getting me to block her and trying to get me to let go of the guilt. Now I'm working with a new therapist, who's more focused on my low confidence and family background. Had an alcoholic mother who would have been not available at times. Bullied in primary school a little as well.

I joined dating apps almost immediately, which I think was part distraction but also maybe to try to get that feeling of someone wanting me, which again I guess goes back to the low self esteem and feeling of rejection?

Thanks for reading.

**** man.

Sounds like you are really having a rough time.

No real advice to give you but only a little reassurance that time does heal. I know that sounds trite at the moment and no real help to you, but after a while, it will get easier.

Best of luck and always come back here for a vent if you feel it helps.

My advice is to make yourself as busy as possible. Try to meet friends and family often, sign up for social groups like hiking, cinema clubs, etc.

Meetup.com is great for the latter. Just get out as much as possible.

bitofabind

Hi OP. Sorry for what you're going through. I have so much I want to say, so I'm going to organise my thoughts in paragraphs here.

First of all, get off the dating apps. Putting a plaster over a deep wound is not going to help here, nor is jumping into another relationship as an avoidance of dealing with your painful emotions and hurting someone else in the process of that. That's not fair on anyone and a surefire way of not healing or changing patterns that you have. You need time and space to process the breakup, and your earlier traumas in life. Decide, today, that focusing on yourself and your own healing is going to be your number one priority for now. Dating apps can come later.

Secondly, someone said this to me lately and I think it's relevant here: "the thing is not about the thing." I'm sorry for all the hardship you've had in life, with your mother's alcoholism, the bullying at school, the previous relationship trauma with your ex. Those are deeply painful and difficult things for anyone to deal with. You were a child with unmet needs, then trauma at school where you're supposed to be safe, then a mentally unwell and emotionally abusive ex partner. That's a lot. Those things needs to be re-visited so that you can go through the painful emotions of them and heal, and learn how to feel safe in the world again. That's therapy and that's time and that's developing compassion for your younger self so you can build your self-esteem and not repeat unhealthy patterns in life that just double down on the pain that you've already had. I know you liked this recent woman, maybe loved her, but I also know that this breakup is not just about losing her, but it's about the other things you've lost, your mother, all that previous rejection and abuse, it's another person walking away when you feel like you need her to survive (you don't.) It's another person not available to you, making you feel like you're not good enough to be loved well. I know this because it was a deeply painful breakup that led me to my own therapy and my own reckoning with previous trauma that I had buried and that was coming out in the way I was living my life 20 years later. Please commit to dealing with these things and not jumping into another relationship until your confidence is better and you feel safer in the world.

Next: if expressing emotion, being forgetful, drinking too much a few times and taking medication to support your mental health were crimes we'd all locked up for life. You couldn't control the eventuality of your girlfriend breaking up with you. She just wasn't feeling it anymore, which is her right. YOUR absolute right and responsibility to yourself is to hold out on relationships until you find a partner that accepts you fully for who you are. You can't be in a relationship where you have to walk on egg shells and worry that something you do or say will change her mind about you. You deserve someone that sees you completely and wants to build a life with you and sit in the trenches with you when things are hard. This recent ex is not that woman.

And finally: what I've read from your OP is not someone that got broken up with by the best person in the world because he was a fcuk up. What I've read is that you're a person that has been through a lot and has adapted a bunch of coping mechanisms in order to survive. What's next for you is to build up that inner resource so that you can learn how to self-soothe, how to feel safe in the world, how to deeply appreciate and love who you are so you don't need external things to tell you who you are anymore. That's therapy and that's a bunch of daily habits you can do to take care of yourself (fitness, eating well, hobbies that you love, boundaries with people, maintaining good friendships) and that's in the long term, making different decisions in life because they're coming from a place of self respect and self love rather than survival.

LilacNails

Bitofbind...That's one of the best replies iv ever read on hear.

Op screen shot and print off the above reply. I can relate to the pain u are going through and it's shite. I'm going through therapy myself for some similar experiences to yours and what bitofbind has written makes so much sense and is what I think would be the best option for u.

It's ok to feel these horrible painful emotions, but it is important to feel them. You eventually come out the other side of them, it's like walking through a dark, long cold tunnel, but the more u continue to walk through it the closer u become to light and freedom.

And it all takes time and effort. It so hard. Many a time I thought I was coming to the end of my dark tunnel, but still have a bit to go, and hopefully won't give up.

Ur not alone, so many of us have gone through and going through the same pain. Please start by being kind and caring to urself. Ur most important relationship is the one u have with urself and unless it's strong and healthy, u ain't gonna have one with a partner.

I wish u all the best, mind urself.

ted1

Dude I think you have underline issues, the relationship was 7 months and only good for 5 months. I’m not going to knock it because things affect us all differently. I would guess that you are suffering more than the other person in the relationship, but I’m an engineer not a head specialist. It’s good to talk >mod snip <

bur defo talk to someone, you are a good person, this happens lots of people,

Big Bag of Chips

@ted1, I know the sentiment is genuine but please do not ask posters to PM you in Personal Issues.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2057282511/requesting-offering-pms-please-read

Neyite

@bitofabind - what an excellent, thoughtful and insightful post. I wish all posts in PI like this, it would be so helpful to the OPs.

I'm long past my break up that prompted me to delve into my past too and it's put perfectly into words what I needed to do at the time - OP, I can't improve on the advice this poster has given you, but I can tell you that while therapy was difficult at first, it got a lot easier when things started slotting into order in my head. I focused on me and didn't look for any relationships for a while. And my next dates when I was ready were totally different - because I was different. I was confident, happy in myself, I wasn't afraid of being alone and I knew what I wanted in a relationship and what I didn't want.

The best explanation I have is that for previous relationships my thought process would be "this person is amazing. How can I be their perfect partner, what do I need to change in me to make this work?" and that was never sustainable in the long run, because I was never me, not really. So I'd feel unfulfilled, feel like I wasn't getting my needs met and if one person is not fully happy, it'll never be a happy relationship.

Afterwards, my thought process of potential partners was "This person seems nice. How would they fit in with the life that I see myself having? How are they matching up with the traits and values that I'd like in a long term partner? How do they enhance my life?"

anxiousandsad

Thanks everyone for your insight and advice.

@Neyite Your previous thought process is how I was thinking in this recent relationship. I was also over analyzing her behaviours afterwards and constantly expecting her to end things.

Even today I've been thinking about what things I could change so that if I met her in the future she would want me again.

I was going to meet up with someone from a dating app. I guess I should tell them that I've realised I'm not in the right place to be dating yet?

anxiousandsad

Spent a good hour this afternoon crying over my ex, wondering how I messed up, why doesn't she like me, why aren't I good enough for her.

Tried to keep busy earlier in the day, went for a long cycle but was thinking about her constantly, mostly angrily, which turned to sadness when I got home.

I deleted the dating apps there and messaged those I was chatting to that I'm taking a step back from dating.

I think I've also been solely focusing on the positives of my ex, there were some small things that weren't perfect so I'm going to write those out and focus on them a bit more to try and bring her down off the pedestal I have her on in my mind.

Trying ACT to stop myself from latching onto and obsessing over all my negative thoughts.

greasepalm

Not sure if your break up was as friends and are you able to chat or well off the cards and no.

Spn744

Just reading this post shows your level of stress so if your ex picked up on this in your daily life maybe it was an influence on ending the relationship. I’m only trying to give you genuine feedback but 7 months isn’t a long time in a relationship and maybe the fast commitment scared her away. My advice would be to not contact her despite how hard that is, show her you have a life after her with dates etc. In my opinion it will give you the most chance of her getting back in touch with you in the future. If you’re just sat there waiting for her she’ll know that and I don’t think she will want you back.

Dial Hard

I don't think the OP should be doing anything with one eye on potentially getting her back. He needs to let go of this relationship completely and focus on doing the work on himself advised by BitofaBind.

anxiousandsad

I know that's objectively the correct thing to do, but all I want is for her to come back and feel wanted and loved.

bitofabind

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119316891#Comment_119316891

Of course you feel that way, you've just broken up with someone you care about. It doesn't mean those feelings should dictate what you do next though, or that they make it sensible to try to get her back when what you actually need to do is get to the depth of that abandonment wound, start healing and make sure you can choose relationships from a position of strength and self-respect in the future.

This is what healing and self-soothing is all about OP. Observing your feelings, letting them exist and making the adult decision for yourself so you can live a healthy, peaceful life. It's uncomfortable at first. The child in you wants to react to the feelings with reckless abandon. And the key thing here is, no-one can take responsibility for this stuff except for you. By all means you can chase your ex, go wild on the dating apps and jump from relationships to situationships and continue to act out on these patterns that you've built with the exact same results. You have free will, no-one can or will stop that. But it's time to ask yourself now if that is what you really want, and if not, what does change look like to you right now in your life?

Cheerful S

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119314675#Comment_119314675

When you're with someone, you think they're the best thing since sliced bread, but they let you down because they' can be selfish. She was never for you if she couldn't handle you and work with you. Unfortunately, life is like that, you run into different men and women and date them some of them work and some don't. There are a lot of people in your position. It's lonely because your reality is your own and your feelings for your ex come from within. Not lost but you could meet someone and your life changes and your ex is a distant memory. Getting out and dating is healthier than thinking and obsessing about your ex. I fell into that trap, like you, long time ago but meeting new woman and finally meeting the right one my partner i have a good life. You're trying to get someone back who let you down, if she has gone this long, and hasn't reconsidered, she wrong lady for you. You can show them the door if they don't value you.  

Neyite

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119316891#Comment_119316891

Maybe it's easier to adapt that feeling into a way that works for you rather than fighting it?

So I'm not saying that you continue to make changes to you that would fit in with what your ex wanted, as I agree with Dial Hard but take a bigger-picture view that the changes that you need to do for you. So you wish that you could be more confident, maybe drinking less, being healthier, happier, on track in general and you think that would make her reconsider - so do that. If getting her back is your initial motivation to kick off your goals, do it - but don't let it be anything other than the initial motivation. When you feel ready, take the wider view that you are doing it for you and you alone.

Airyfairy12

Oh wow OP I feel your pain, I went through something similar last year, got broken up with from a relatively short relationship, he was fine and I was a complete mess, it hit me like a ton of bricks, I cried constantly!

All I can say to you is time does heal but you do have to make a conscious effort to allow yourself to heal, that means catch yourself when you're thinking about her and think about something else, keep off her social media, don't be watching who she's following or trying to see if she's seeing someone else and most importantly do what ever you can to keep the stress levels down and cliche as it sounds, there's allot to be said for focusing on the positive and practicing gratefulness.

Sometimes breakups can be a shakeup that you need, I think people are often times more adventurous and outgoing when they go through something like this, id suggest you try bring in lots of positive changes into your life right now to give you something to focus on.