Crush Dilemma

Birdy

There's a woman I really like and I want to know what others think would be the best way to ask her out.

She works in the establishment next to mine but we don't interact much. I get the feeling that she really likes me too but is shy or not ready for a relationship. I fear rejection or messing it up when I ask her.

I have tried to find her on dating apps but she doesn't use them. I added her on social media but she doesn't use the messenger app. I was hoping to ask her out for a coffee face to face but our paths don't seem to cross when I want them to.

I can't see anyone else as a potential partner while she is on my mind. She's perfect in every way but I just feel like the opportunity will never arise. At this stage it feels like it's just not meant to be.

What would be the best way to do it? How can I make myself desirable to her?

Bob Harris

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058252423/crush-dilemma

If this is not a wind up I will say the following:

You don't interact much but you get the feeling she really likes you too? Ok, she probably doesn't but who knows? Not you anyway.

She's perfect in every way...she's not and if and when you get to know her assuming she is single that'll become apparent.

"At this stage it feels like it's just not meant to be" you've done nothing but try to find her on apps. She works right beside you. Go talk to her and give it a chance to be something.

"What would be the best way to do it?" As above..talk to her...crazy I know.

Still think this is a wind up.

HazeDoll

You're creating a fantasy and no matter how this plays out you'll be disappointed. She might be wonderful but if you are expecting a total stranger to be 'perfect in every way' you are going to be let down.

You fancy a woman you have seen a few times. Everything else (she's perfect, she likes you, she's not ready for a relationship) is in your imagination.

Either ask her out face to face like a grown-up or forget about her.

Have you by any chance only interacted with her while she's at work? Is her job customer-facing? If so, she was smiling and being polite because that's her job. It's possible she likes you, of course, but consider whether the terms of her employment require her to be pleasant to people. And then consider whether adding her on social media might have made her uncomfortable.

Birdy

Bob, I wish it was a wind-up. We work different hours and we tend to see each other in passing. She's very shy too and I don't want to come across as a creep by doing or saying the wrong thing. I know I'm overthinking it. :(

Jim_Hodge

I'm finding it hard to take this seriously. On one hand it reads like you hardly even speak to her but on the other you know her enough to get a vibe that she likes you.

You hardly know her but know she's perfect and that's she's not ready for a relationship.

Then all you've done is looked for her on dating apps.

It's all a bit incredulous.

If she's nearby then just go and talk to her.

Fearing rejection is a cop out. Everybody has to take a chance at some point if a relationship is to happen. If an approach fails, so what? You're no worse off and know where you stand.

Bob Harris

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119269293#Comment_119269293

Saying the wrong thing would be telling her you think she's perfect in every way and that you have trawled every dating app you could think of to find her online. Saying the right thing would be having a casual chat in passing and asking her if she'd like to meet you for coffee or whatever.

Birdy

The fear of rejection is major because I know it will be the talk of both establishments and it will be really awkward if she says no.

cj maxx

You'll just have to bite the bullet and the next time you meet her ask to go for a coffee/drink. No other advice, if you have to change your schedule to suit hers do it. Just ask her out. No ,yes are the only 2 options available

Big Bag of Chips

@Bob Harris if you think a thread is a windup you have the option of not replying. Calling a thread a windup on thread is off-topic.

Please reread The Form Charter to refresh yourself of the standard of posting expected here.

Bob Harris

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119269341#Comment_119269341

Hmmm...you are unlikely to shout from the rooftops that she turned you down and if she is as shy as you say then she is unlikely to join you on the rooftops either so I'd say you're probably ok in that regard. It sounds like you're going to go down on one knee and propose straight off in front of everyone. Can you not just have a discreet chat?

Furthermore, if she does say no and is as perfect as you make out then I'm sure she'll be very considerate and mindful of your feelings.

HazeDoll

Does she work in a customer-facing role?

Any woman who has ever had to smile and chat across a counter to customers has had the experience of a regular customer mistaking her polite smiles for something else.

She might be aware of your attentions and this might be why she is coming across as shy. Do her a favour, ask her out in a direct manner. "Do you fancy getting a coffee, maybe after work?" If she says yes, you're onto something. If she says no, even if she says "No, sorry, I have to do an important thing," then that's it. Leave it unless she suggests another day that suits her.

At least you'll have no problem avoiding her if she says no, you never see her.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119269373#Comment_119269373

Reminds me of that yucky James blunt song......" you're beautiful "

Foggy Jew

Put on your big-boy pants. Ask the girl to join you for lunch/coffee. If there’s no chemistry - no harm done. If there are sparks - enjoy! I can’t understand where the dilemma is.

Dial Hard

But for the love of god, don't ask her out *while* she's at work. That's both horrifically inappropriate and horrendously unfair on her.

Girl Geraldine

How do you even know she is shy? Maybe she just has zero interest in you and sees no reason to talk to you.

She is at work. Leave her alone. It is already creepy that you are obsessing over her and stalking dating apps and social media to find her.

Just leave the poor girl alone.

If you ask her out on work time then it could come back to your employer who will be cross about it because they won't want word going out that one of the employees is creeping out women and obsessing over them. It would be bad for business.

Pissy Missy

Okay so you fancy this girl, if you're finding it difficult to say it face to face, is there anyone in work that you trust that could subtly find out if she might be interested in you? If that's not an option, then in order to make the possible happen, sometimes we need to throw caution to the wind and take risks. Or you can avoid it and never know what could have been. Yes if she does turn you down, it can hurt the ego, but with the fact ye barely see each other, you'll get over it eventually and probably meet someone else.

Big Bag of Chips

If you ask her out on work time then it could come back to your employer who will be cross about it because they won't want word going out that one of the employees is creeping out women and obsessing over them. It would be bad for business.

This is absolute nonsense. With everything online these days it doesn't take a whole lot of "stalking" or "obsessing" to find out about someone. And no employer is going to care that a fella that works for them asked out a woman that works near them.

OP, try strike up conversation. Somehow. Smile when you see her. Make small talk, about the weather, about the weekend, about "another day in the office" whatever, just take the opportunity to somehow make a connection with her. She could be already going out with someone. She could be single and wondering how to get chatting to this nice fella she keeps seeing.

I wouldn't ask her out straight off. But I would try build up some sort of relationship/communication between you.

YellowLead

What is it that makes you think she likes you OP? This is key.

Birdy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119273093#Comment_119273093

Numerous things. This has been building up over the last few years. Covid meant that our offices were closed and we didn't see each other. She hasn't had a partner in that time. The flirtation is still there and I have heard her work colleagues insinuate that she's interested and saying that she should ask me out. I think someone just needs to bang our heads together. :D

I have really overthought this and I am at the stage now where I need to ask her, it's just finding the right time as we only see each other while at work.

Thanks to those who have shared their opinions. I haven't opened up to anybody over this and it has helped to share it.

JoChervil

Few years? So you are both so shy. It's very sweet, I will root for you both. I think you have a big chance to succeed.

Yes, it is good to talk. It empties our mind for further thoughts. When we don't share, we are just stuck.

riclad

Ask her would you like to go for a coffee,? No one is perfect, yes you like her and find her attractive, you are over thinking it. Not everyone uses social dating apps.

The longer you leave it the more chance she, ll meet someone else, you don't know that much about her, not everyone is online. Or they use a false name on dating apps, your employer is not responsible if you ask someone out for a coffee, during a break, lunchtime. It's well known alot of couples met while at work.

If you can't even ask someone for a coffee , well. There's not much hope of going on a date with anyone