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Coming to terms with no kids turning 40 and relationship ending

  • 28-06-2022 4:09pm
    Registered Users Posts: 1 GeeMale

    Hi all,

    I've been in a LTR with my other half for three years. Most of this was during covid times. While it started really well on paper we were beset with communication problems and the relationship bringing up all sorts of childhood wounds and old hurts we pushed down. I worked really hard during lockdowns with an online therapist and have become much more secure about myself and less emotionally 'needy'(hate that word). I was feeling very optimistic about our future together. Unfort he is stuck with many blocks that he cannot see past. He knows I want to get married and try to have a child as I will be 40 early next year.

    We are now on a break and this is really useful for me imaging a life without him. However, I am struggling to come to terms with my chances for having a child naturally are filtering away in front of my eyes. It makes me distressed, anxious and panickey. Any chance of our break helping us resolve things is scuppered by my sheer panic. I know if I had some chill and we had a few really good stable months we would be in a better position to seriously talk about things.

    I always gain solace from women who have been in the same situation as me and that calms me down so much. All my friends are in one of the following camps (1) married with kids but understand my struggles; (2) eternally single and still searching; (3) single at 40+ and have cultivated really nice lives for themselves but the hurt of not having a partner and family prevents them from really opening up to me. So I have no one to draw inspiration or comfort from at the moment.

    So my questions is can anyone empathise with my situation and feelings? Or maybe you read a book that deals with this issue?

    Thanks x


  • Registered Users Posts: 2,874 ✭✭✭ purplecow1977

    There is a Facebook page for women who are mothers but single by choice, or something along those lines. I can find out the exact name if you would like.

    In this day and age, having a partner isn't a prerequisite for having a baby, although in my opinion certainly makes it easier to share the workload.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,496 ✭✭✭ JDD

    I agree with the above poster. I always thought that if I was single by 35 I would go down the Single Mother by Choice route. I am 45 now and two acquaintances have done it - a solicitor and an IT engineer - and they haven't looked back.

    I would say, that after I had my first baby, I thought "jesus, how did I ever think I would do this on my own, it is so much harder than I thought it would be, and that is with a partner". So I would say if you do go down that route then you'd need to have some very solid support - even a mate/sister/mother who could move in for the first six weeks.

    I realise this will add complexity to your current relationship. You could sit down with him and say that (as he's aware) this is a red line issue for you, and you have decided it is time to take it into your own hands. You still really want to work on the relationship, and for it to work out, but he will have to accept that in the meantime you may look to a fertility clinic.

    Should that be the deathknell to the relationship then so be it. Funnily enough, I would say that once you have a child, that pressure to find a partner might fall away somewhat. You might find that you not compromising to be with someone just because you need to be in a relationship, any relationship, to have children. You might find that you'll attract someone who is actually more stable, and if you don't - well you're still in a better position, having started your family, then you would be had you not gone down that road at all.

  • Registered Users Posts: 666 ✭✭✭ CreadanLady

    If you really want to have a baby then don't let his indecisiveness prevent you from doing it. If you decide you want one, have one, and go about having it by yourself. Tell him what you are doing, and that it is your choice and that he can take it or leave it.

    I might take it, he might leave it. Or it might motivate him to make his mind up.

    The MFV Creadan Lady is a mussel dredger from Dunmore East.

  • Registered Users Posts: 32,636 ✭✭✭✭ Graces7

    " Let time pass"

    As our bodies pass child-bearing ability our minds also change and adjust to that condition. We are " wonderfully made."

    At nearly 80 now all ideas and thoughts re children and career have gentled and adjusted. Without my needing to do anything. Except trust that this will come about.

  • Registered Users Posts: 1,343 ✭✭✭ mrslancaster

    Agree with others, if you really want to have a child you can do it alone. Its hard work even with two sharing the workload but maybe we were just unlucky with our lot - it does get easier. Many solo parents manage very successfully on their own either by choice or through life circumstances. One of my cousins is the very happy solo mum of two through donor. A few raised eyebrows in her circles at the start but she wanted children and wasnt in a relationship. She had family support so that helped. Theres also the option to freeze eggs if you're concerned about time moving on but imo you have loads of time. Best of luck OP.

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  • Registered Users Posts: 666 ✭✭✭ CreadanLady

    You could even argue that going down the parenting alone route as an unmarried mother has its plusses too. Sure, the workload would be all on you but at least you would have the certainty and can plan around that. You'd not have to deal with the uncertainty and moods of a partner, worrying will he turn up when he is supposed to rather than appear 5 days later drunk and penniless, whether he will collect the kids from school on payday rather than disappear to the pub until the paycheck is fully spent, or whether he will do the shopping rather than drink the grocery money leaving the family at home starving in a freezing damp house, whether he will take care of the kids while you are at work or abscond to the bookies and leaving small children wandering the streets outside, filthy and with their bellies stuck to their backbones with the hunger. When there is a knock on the door will you worry whether it's a charitable neighbour coming over with a few bits of food for the children, or if it's the landlord coming in to put your family out walking the road because you husband promised to pay the rent but drank the rent money instead.

    This was and is still the reality for many partnered and married mothers - their husband unpredictable loose cannons who can't be depended upon for anything other than disappearing for days or weeks on end, drinking or gambling every penny and possession they own before eventually reappearing drunk or with horrific DTs, ragged and starving, utterly penniless and, of course, jobless.

    My grandfather would have been such a character - on a good day an eloquent charmer who could promise and convince you of nearly anything, but ultimately a complete spoofer and an utterly uncontrollable and hopeless alcoholic gambling addict. My grandmother had a nervous breakdown with the stress of it all and ended up in the district asylum. My mother and her siblings were in the orphanage for a couple of years.

    The MFV Creadan Lady is a mussel dredger from Dunmore East.