Should I cut my losses ?

powerpuffgal

Hi all. I need advice. I feel as if I have no other choice but to break up with my OH. There have been several issues over the course of our relationship, mainly coming from him. It would be emotionally exhausting for me to sit here and type the reasons and issues here. I feel I’ve been pushed beyond my limit by him and his immaturity lately. I’ve tried to communicate when issues arise and talk them through in a honest adult manner but he can’t do it. He either laughs me off and says I’m being silly and plays stupid or gets upset and I let it go. No accountability. Nothing improves and everything I have said or have concerns about is forgotten and he ploughs on. Trouble is, the issues weigh on my mind daily and I’ve been so tearful the last few weeks as they are unresolved and he carries on happy as Larry. I’m having trouble accepting how I feel. I feel as if I should keep trying with him to make it work but I’m exhausted and frustrated. He says he loves me but I don’t feel loved.

Any advice?

Loafing Oaf

I'd be astonished if anyone recommended any other step than breaking it off. Seems like the bulk of threads in this forum are started by women in relationships with, shall we say, unsatisfactory men, and the advice is almost always the same. Even by the standards of RI though, walking away from this guy seems a no brainer. Is there an upside to this relationship you didn't really explore in your OP?

amdublin

You don't sound very happy?

Princess Calla

I really hate that alot of advice is simply "break up" as if people are just commodities that can be replaced. Happy times and shared memories just thrown in the bin.

That said, what exactly are you getting from this relationship? Sounds like he likes the idea/perks of having a girlfriend with none of the emotional investment needed to sustain a healthy relationship.

I'd cut my loses now as it's not going to get better. A relationship takes two people to contribute to make it work, not one person dragging the other along.

powerpuffgal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119232036#Comment_119232036

hi Oaf. I feel like we should be working.

we had good chemistry, memories. Although some memories tainted with issues he created. I just wish I knew how he actually felt about me and why he acts the way he does. He can keep me at arms length and to this day, I don’t feel I know him truly.

I don’t trust him and I have tried. He knows I don’t because of a valid reason yet he inflames my insecurities.

powerpuffgal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119232094#Comment_119232094

Hi Princess.

yes he definitely enjoys the idea of having a girlfriend. He cleans up. He has yet to turn around and surprise me or be spontaneous. Or do something caring “just because”. It’s all a routine.

i don’t get anything out of it anymore. It’s not as if I feel looked after or loved. I seem to be pursuing him the last few months.

powerpuffgal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119232043#Comment_119232043

im not

Princess Calla

I think you know the answer....deep down we always do!

Now you need to find the courage to go.

powerpuffgal

How can someone say they love you and not treat you as such. I’m heartbroken…

amdublin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119232173#Comment_119232173

I think you know what you need to do...

Jequ0n

Sounds like you know what you want to do but can’t do for whatever reason.

What’s holding you back?

bottlebrush

"He cleans up. He has yet to turn around and surprise me or be spontaneous. Or do something caring “just because”. It’s all a routine"

OP - just wondering is the above what it boils down to I.e. the relationship has settled into a routine and needs spicing up - by him? Or is there much more to it?

powerpuffgal

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119232360#Comment_119232360

No that’s just tip of the iceberg.

Mongfinder General

How old are you?

bottlebrush

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119232405#Comment_119232405

OK. Unless there is something else you can think of that you haven't done already to resolve this, then there is only one option left and that is to break up and look for somebody more compatible. If he didn't listen to you up to now, he's not going to now. Might change for a while if he thinks you will leave, but unlikely to sustain a personality change for the long term.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119232211#Comment_119232211

Very easily. You obviously put a lot of weight on these three little words but does he? Some people are happy to rattle off the words for self serving purposes. It's hard to advise because you've kept the details very general. That's your prerogative but it's hard to get a picture of what he's doing wrong. Still, if you're miserable and he's not willing to work with you to get the relationship back on track (assuming it ever was?), then it's time to think about where you see this going. It takes two people to make a relationship work. If you don't feel loved or secure, what's the point? Also you've said you don't trust him. One the trust goes, there's nothing left.

Printer25

You need to discuss your issues with him. He doesn't sound emotionally supportive to you by dismissing your concerns or issues. You need to say that this attitude isn't helpful when you are trying to make the relationship stronger. He owes you explanations and you need to state clearly that this is what you need. His behaviour doesn't feel to you like you're loved. Words but no actions. Men can be this way and this needs to be spoken to him about. There are aspects of him that you love and it isn't always easy to walk away when a proper firm discussion is needed and it gives him a chance to change or amend his behaviour. You say you have trust issues and possibly insecurities frok that, so not feeling loved by him will validate all these negative connations you have. He needs to realise how he is affecting you and see how he reacts to seeing you upset. It sounds like you're stressed and frustrated with the relationship. I don't know your partner but he may change if he feels losing you will be the only outcome if he doesn't

Reesy

OP, do you think he's capable of change? If you think he is, then I suggest you sit him down & give him an ultimatum. Be really clear what you need him to change, and by when. Hold him to it. And if you don't see real change, walk.

Girl Geraldine

Dump him. Finish it.

dontmindme

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/119232211#Comment_119232211

You deserve better. If there's no talking to him then what else can you do but leave.

Pissy Missy

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058251193/should-i-cut-my-losses

I feel this is a tricky one to give input without more context or examples.

However, there def seems to be communication problems where he's fobbing you off and invalidating your feelings which is rly shi. The fact you "let it go" I think reinforces him to treat you this way as he 'gets away with it' and I think this may only lead you to doubt yourself.

I'm really sorry you're feeling this way and experiencing this pain. You feel you should keep trying with him to make it work but how long have you been trying? Unfortunately it takes two to tango and if he's not listening, it sounds like it will have to be a serious heart to heart and if he's not open to it, sounds like you'll have to reevaluate things as you have been. Lifes too short to waste further time on a relationship that's not working n not being happy.

Cheerful S

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058251193/should-i-cut-my-losses

So that's your answer, he laughs at you and says you're silly. This isn't someone who understands what you want. It's your future and they won't help you fix it. I'd even show him this post and tell him what's up. By this point, you're really in need of help, posting here. Maybe this post will wake him up!!!! doesnt see it maybe words will help. Maybe even write him an e-mail?  

Neyite

To be happy in a relationship we each have to have our needs met. Yours are not being met. And when you've tried to explain that, you've been fobbed off, dismissed, and called silly.

It sounds like he's broken your trust in the past and isn't doing a hell of a lot to show you that he deserves the work that's involved on your part to rebuild that trust in him.

"He says he loves me but I don’t feel loved."

This is the crux of it really. Words are easy. We can say whatever stuff we want. My partner might not say it for weeks that he loves me or that he's thinking about me, but he shows that he does daily, even if it's just bringing me in a surprise cup of tea.

Actions are the only thing that mean anything. I'm a big believer to watch the actions and disregard the flowery words and promises. An exercise for you, maybe: List the things he says and compare that with the actions that he does.

JoChervil

OP, if you were happier without him, than you are with him, you know your answer.